SHARE

No, they haven't actually done this yet, but THEY WILL SOON.

Late Thursday, Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson was FIRST! to call a press conference so he could sign the “fixed” Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA) into law, following a weeklong national outcry. Before any journalist could even open a new browser tab to type words about it, there went Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, doing the same damn thing. Did the governors time it that way, so the media wouldn’t know what to cover? Maybe! Or maybe it just happened that way because everybody was ready to go the fuck home for the long holiday weekend. Proponents claimed the original laws did nothing more than protect religious freedom from some unspecified threat, but in reality, the bills were thinly veiled licenses to hate on and discriminate against gays and lesbians, so they had to be amended to ensure that no, this does not give you permission to refuse to do flowers for Dale and Kevin’s wedding, and no, also, please do not take your businesses out of our states!

The Indiana “fix” very specifically states that the RFRA does not “authorize a provider to refuse to offer or provide services, facilities, use of public accommodations, goods, employment or housing” based on sexual orientation or gender identity, whereas Arkansas’s changes more broadly state that the law is to be interpreted as a mirror of the federal RFRA, signed by gay-loving Democrat President Bill Clinton. The federal RFRA “does not affix personhood status to corporations, organizations, or businesses, and does not directly support anti-LGBT discrimination,” but if wingnuts are willing to apply themselves, they might be able to find ways for it to indirectly support it!

Hutchinson, who somehow emerged from this week as less of a douchebag than Pence, acknowledged in his press conference that ain’t nobody happy with the result, saying that “the fact that it might not solve every problem for everyone probably means it’s a good bill.” What that means, we do not know. But we do know that the wingnuts are pissed! Spinning our Twitter Wheel Of Bigots at random, we find the American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer, in full meltdown mode:

fischer

Is that like a demolition derby? Sounds serious! Spinning the wheel one more time, we have landed on whining Fox News moron Todd Starnes, who seems very upset:

starnes

In case you do not get it, that is a timely reference to Judas, who reportedly betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. In this analogy, Jesus is apparently a person holding a “God Hates Fags” sign, and Judas is, of course, the governor of Indiana. They are not acting quite so hysterical toward the governor of Arkansas, we guess because Hutchinson got shit done much quicker and quieter-like. Also, Hutchinson just did what Walmart told him to do, who can complain?

Some LGBT advocates and allies are not happy with the fixes either, as they hoped this controversy would be an opportunity to advance civil rights protections for gays and lesbians. They sought to repeal the bills entirely and specifically write into law that gays and lesbians are entitled to protection from discrimination. Nice sounding as that is, it was not going to happen, at least not this week.

But they still won the week, along with their new best friends in big business. The newly amended RFRAs address exactly none of the religious right’s desires to preserve their fag-hatin’ rights, and gays and lesbians in Indiana and Arkansas are in no more danger than they were before all of this happened.

Now, with all of this over, at least for now, journalists around America reportedly are relieved and hoping that they never fucking have to type “RFRA” into their computers again.

[Huffington Post]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Is it a good bill if it doesn’t actually solve any problem?

    • FlownOver

      With reality in retrograde, any bill that doesn’t cause a problem is good.

      • weejee
        • Lizzietish81
          • Rabbit_Rebozo

            Ptolemy about it!

          • glasspusher

            These things go in epicycles

        • glasspusher

          Whoa, please- only comments we can understand.

          Edit- also- how come there’s a mountain range and horizon out beyond Mars’ orbit, Mr Science?

          • bobbert

            Hollow earth.

          • glasspusher

            But I am constant as the northern star,
            Of whose true-fix’d and resting quality
            There is no fellow in the firmament.

            -Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

    • Bill Slider

      If no problem existed in the first instance, and the bill does not solve this problem that does not exist, then the state legislatures have more work to do. The Republican party will demand it.

      • FauxAntocles

        Congress has it easy – all they have to do is repeal ObummerCare. Much simpler.

      • bobbert

        If it ain’t broke, keep fixing it until it is.

    • Lizzietish81

      well it fixes the problem it itself caused.

      That’s some inception shit right there.

    • Oblios_Cap

      This country has problems? I couldn’t tell from watching Congress.

      • This country has a Congress? I couldn’t tell from watching our problems.

    • Ricky Gay

      Schrödinger’s Bill

  • Tallmutha

    That sound you hear is the collective sigh of Christian business owners thinking “Where’s the fun in that?

  • memzilla

    I’m so old, I remember when LBJ shamed Congress into passing the Civil Rights Act by saying that hatin’ on people gave our enemies the ammunition to use against us in the Cold War. What happened that hatin’ on people is now good for America’s image?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      It’s good for America’s image in Uganda, Russia, and of course with Republicans’ new pen pals, the Iranian mullahs.

      • Lizzietish81

        China thinks it’s hilarious.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      You’re not old. You’re just ripe.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    “whereas Arkansas’s changes more broadly state that the law is to be interpreted as a mirror of the federal RFRA, signed by gay-loving Democrat President Bill Clinton.”

    Well Bill was known as America’s first gay black President.

    “Some LGBT advocates and allies are not happy with the fixes either, as they hoped this controversy would be an opportunity to advance civil rights protections for gays and lesbians.”

    So no gay-in at the cake store? I was really looking forward to attending my first pizza wedding.

  • fawkedifiknow

    This could only be more of a bitch slap to Jesus if it had happened the week before his birthday.

    • Tallmutha

      Jesus was born in December, to white parents, you heathen.

      • bobbert

        He just was.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Black Friday, indeed.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    “We must choose between homosexuality and religious liberty because we can’t have both.”

    Oh Bryan Fisher, you hate-filled drama queen, this is what is known as a logical fallacy.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      We must choose between apples and oranges because we can’t have both.

      It works just as well with:

      We must choose between snoods and transaxial cables because we can’t have both.

      Ain’t logic grand?

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        We must choose between duck and goose otherwise there’s just no rules and it’s anarchy.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          We must choose between sauce for the goose and sauce for the gander because we can’t have both.

    • Can we have both pizza and homosexuality? Because I would hate to have to choose.

      • Blank Ron

        One is fun and delicious, the other one is… umm, hang on…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He’s got a good ‘net connection in that closet of his, doesn’t he?

    • artem1s

      Dear Bryan,
      You must choose between laws allowing businesses to deny services to slutty sluts and those that deny services to teh ebil gheys, blahs, messicans, etc., because you can’t have all the hating laws ever.

      signed
      we know what you really meant by that, shithead

  • Lizzietish81

    I choose homosexuality. Now get that goat ready for sacrifice. Hail Satan!

    • Tony Alexander

      sorry! couldn’t resist:

      A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

      “Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

      “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.

      “That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.

      “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student way in the back raises his hand.

      The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

      The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

      The student replies,” Ghost? Shiiiiiit….. From way back there I thought you said ‘goats.'”

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I wish they would stop ramming The Geh Agenda down his goats.

      • Lizzietish81

        Reminds me of when my sister was in Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat, during the opening number when they got to “Spent all their days in the fields with sheep” they’d all burst out laughing.

        The director was not amused.

        • Tony Alexander

          i was 13 when i first heard the soundtrack. that line made me chuckle also.

          ;-)

        • Me not sure

          Neither were the sheep!

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Jealousy much?

      • Rabbit_Rebozo

        A fire and brimstone preacher is really getting into, when he thunders out at the congregation:

        “Who here LIKES sin?”

        Silence. Then, near the back, a little old lady totters to her feet. Everybody looks at her in surprise. The preacher is shocked but finally manages to stammer:

        “Sister Jenkins, you mean to tell me that YOU like sin?”

        The old lady looks momentarily confused, then says:

        “Sin? Oh, hell no! I thought you said gin.”

  • Lizzietish81

    It’s a good thing Indiana and Arkansas has so much time to waste on shit like this.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      It’s not like they have people living in poverty in their states, or anything.

      • glasspusher

        How could the state where Wal-Mart is headquartered have poverty? Think before you comment, please.

        • MsAnthropesMr

          Had an interview with U of Oregon last night. Went well. Wore my big boy suit and everything. Even wore pants at the suggestion of MsAnthrope.

          • glasspusher

            Some of the more conservative places prefer people to wear pants. Often not required on Casual Sex Fridays.

            Good luck! You’d be near some telescope making friends of mine.

  • weejee

    Obvs, the two goobernors are pulling the olde “wide stance” gambit on the press, who could not possibly cover two news events occurring at the same time.

    • Me not sure

      Shouldn’t there be a flaccid penis visible between the senator’s legs.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        There is one, but it’s too small for you to see.

        • Me not sure

          This looks like a job for Sherlock Holmes.

          • Blank Ron

            ‘Look, just because I turned down Irene Adler does not mean I prefer men!’

            – Holmes on Holmes

          • Me not sure

            “…now come sit beside me Watson, while I do a little blow. No silly, not you.”

    • Biff52

      Reminds me, where did “Wide Stance Romance Husband go in the flight to Disqust?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Well that was a waste of time.
    Great job assholes.

    • Logic of Color

      Fucking awesome. Clear, concise, snarky and sarcastic. The perfect response to all this “hate the fags” legislation.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    On an average day, the percentage of that day I spend thinking about The Gehs and whether they can or cannot buy a cake is approximately 0.000%. What with being an Old and having the Type 2 diabetes thing going on, I spend approximately the same amount of time thinking about baked goods.

    Thanks to the teabaggers and the likes of Bryan Fisher, I spend a substantial amount of every day worrying about that very cake/The Gehs issue even though it is basically none of my business, except to the extent that I figure “live and let buy a cake, if that’s what you want, I don’t give a flying fuck.”

    I wish the teabaggers and the likes of Bryan Fisher would stop ramming their Geh Agenda down my throat.

    • Lizzietish81

      I keep telling them that if they’re sick of hearing about it then they should stop fighting it and relax the throat.

      • FauxAntocles

        If they’re sick of hearing about it, they should shut up.

        • Tallmutha

          Hear hear, plus if they’re not sick of hearing about it they should shut up.

      • david green

        Understand you can buy a spray that helps the throat relax. Maybe a case or two for the Bryan Fishers of the country?

  • blaid droog

    40 years ago, who would have ever thought that us fags would someday destroy kristianity, marriage and the nuclear family. we need to step up our game and go after wall street and the banksters next.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Sounds like a plan. Get sashaying!

    • janecita

      You are taking your sweet time destroying Christianity. You need to give it the coup de grâce, and put it out of its misery already!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I sincerely, no snark about it, thank you for your correct usage of “coup de grâce.”

        • janecita

          Thanks, my French mémé taught me well:-)

    • milwaukeegregg

      Maybe recruit those 2 beauties that made a wrong turn to the NSA. Pathetic!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Oh, please. You guys are as on your thin asses as Bamz is on his in regards to the FEMA camps.

    • Rabbit_Rebozo

      Don’t forget boy bands and the Kardashians.

    • cleos_mom

      And don’t forget your ability to control the weather!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Gov. Pence can forget all about 2016.”

    So they accomplished something positive after all.

  • JohnBull

    Forty percent of Arkansas residents aren’t literate enough to read a job application. Now that important things like sticking it to gays is out of the way, they’ll focus on this. I’m just sure of it.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I know, let’s have more charter schools!

      • JohnBull

        As long as they allow guns and Bibles on the premises.

        • Rabbit_Rebozo

          Gun-bibles! Or Bible-guns!

  • OooShiny

    Bryan Fischer warned us that the Gay Industrial Complex would Destroy America, yet we refused to listen. And now The Gayz can buy cake and Jesus-flavored pizza and lord knows what else!

    Just like Fischer predicted, America is Destroyed! LOOK AT IT. Totally destroyed!!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      You noticed that, too?

      To be fair, everything within a 100 mile radius of Bryan Fisher is completely fucked, no matter what.

      • Me not sure

        I lost 30 IQ points just reading about him.

        • BackDoorMan

          Wonkette giveth and it taketh away. You can’t explain it.

    • Blank Ron

      No, no, it’s okay, you’re just looking at Erie PA.

  • Ruhe

    “In this analogy, Jesus is apparently a person holding a “God Hates Fags” sign, and Judas is, of course, the governor of Indiana.” And yet when you go back to the original text for the obverse of this analogy you find that Jesus isn’t holding a sign. Rather, he’s holding his lover close to him at the last supper. Someone call Allanis because that may be ironic.

    Oh, and if you didn’t see it, here is a fascinating article on this sort of thing from the Side-Boob Gazette (seriously, it is fascinating): http://www.huffingtonpost.com/g-roger-denson/same-sex-marriage-christian-history_b_6990864.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay%20Voices

  • Ruhe

    So apparently the hot counter-meme right now is the comparison of a christian baker who is forced to cater a gay wedding to a black baker who is forced to cater a KKK wedding. Does that comparison really work? Please discuss.

    • Lizzietish81

      Why would the KKK go to a black baker?

      • Me not sure

        Once you’ve had dark chocolate you can never go back.

        • generalleeme

          christ on a cracker…that is so rich!!!

          • Me not sure

            And loaded with antioxidants!

    • doubtthat

      “Forced.” When will the tyranny of paying people for goods and services end?

    • FauxyVixen

      No.

      If the baker bakes wedding cakes, he has to bake wedding cakes for everyone, no matter their sexual orientation. Does he have to put two men on top of the cake? No. The baker can let the couple put whatever toppers they want on the cake.

      if the baker bakes cakes, he has to bake cakes for everyone, no matter their sexual orientation. Does he have to put the KKK on top of the cake? No. The baker can let the purchaser put whatever topper they want on the cake.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I bet Chris Rock would jump at the chance to be official photographer at the next KKK wedding.

  • docterry6973

    Are the gays closing all the chuches? Or is that just people fleeing brain-dead christianity?

    • Lizzietish81

      Ironically the catholic church is closing churches.

      • Me not sure

        I hear they’ve caused a lot of asses to snap shut too.

  • Mavenmaven

    So now what is the point of this “legislation”?

    • doubtthat

      It establishes a no fly zone along the 32nd parallel in the War on Christmas.

      • Me not sure

        All red commie gay libruls must move to the north side of the line. No… wait… they’re already there.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The point of the original federal RFRA was to protect religious practices from government interference, because Fat Tony doesn’t think that Native American religion is a real religion, so it’s OK to punish those who use peyote in religious rites as druggies.

    • say wha

      GoFundMe accounts for everyone!!!!

  • m3bosha

    Aw, the poor religious right. They seem to have come down with a case of “I would have gotten away with it too if is wasn’t for you meddling kids” syndrome.

    • Me not sure

      Ruh- Roh!

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    The Clown Wars are going full force. Pence has disqualified himself from higher office with no action from the Dems. All of the GOP semi-candidates backed Pence initially except Rand Paul. Rand though is one of the #47Traitors. The GOP candidates keep conking each other on he head with bags of manure.

  • Joshua Norton

    What she said….

  • Guest

    “I absolutely will not marry you, I don’t care if you love me, Hank!” Todd, 2014. See that’s what will happen If we aren’t forced to marry Gays. It was better when there was universal conscription.

  • Callyson

    the wingnuts are pissed!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Patty cake, patty cake, baker’s man.
    Bake me a cake as gay as you can
    Pat it and derp it and mark it with a “Dubya”,
    And bake it in the oven for Wonkette, ya dumb shrub ya.

  • malsperanza

    “We must choose between homosexuality and religious liberty because we can’t have both.”

    Bryan, hon, if you want both, no one’s stopping you.

    • CriticalDragon1177

      Off course you can have both. Allowing gay people to be themselves in no way impinges on Bryan Fischer’s right to be a bigot in the name of Jesus. There are also plenty of Christians who support things like gay rights, and by his illogical way of thinking, we’re violating their religious freedom by not tolerating gay people’s rights.

  • Baby_Raptor

    Having to respect basic human rights is the same as betraying god?

    Fucking seriously?

    God’s followers convince me daily that he doesn’t exist.

    • Rabbit_Rebozo

      What followers? I just hear a lot of people projecting.

    • CriticalDragon1177

      All religious extremists feel the same way, unfortunately. They’re claims that its “God’s will” are often little more than an excuse to justify their own irrational fear and hatred of the other.

    • blaid droog

      couldn’t decide between giving you a hallelujah amen, or hallelujah ahh-men. maybe he just has the dumbest fucking groupies evah.

  • JRC

    I’ve said this for over 30 years “If it pisses off the republicans then it must be a good thing” For me, it’s that easy, it’s really that simple. Republicans hate having to redo these bills, there ya have it.

  • Blank Ron

    What is it with the way Bryan ‘I’m still relevant!’ Fischer writes? You can actually HEAR the squeaking of chalk on the chalkboard, as you read him.

    • CriticalDragon1177

      Unfortunately on this issue he does still represent a significant portion of the American population, otherwise we wouldn’t have to worry about fighting these ridiculous pro discrimination “religious freedom” laws.

      • Blank Ron

        Does he really? Or just the bits of it that can actually be mobilised to donate and/or vote for the turdblossoms who promulgate said ‘laws’?

        • CriticalDragon1177

          They’d never pass in any state if a significant portion of population didn’t support them, unfortunately. Even if such people could be mobilized to vote or donate money, it won’t matter if the overwhelming majority of people oppose them. Plus all but the most fanatical anti gay business owners realize that they’re not hurt by laws forbidding discrimination against gay people. In fact such laws it could be argued, actually benefit big and small business alike. After all the homophobic anti gay right, would have no excuse to boycott a business for not being anti gay, if the company would get in trouble with the law for doing so.

          • Blank Ron

            And yet, in the case of Indiana, we are seeing that they AREN’T supported by a significant portion of the population after all. Is it possible that there’s been a genuine ‘silent majority’ all along that’s just needed to be mobilised after all?
            Yeah, I know, I’m trying to spin a li’l hope out of this muck. I am sick to DEATH of being teh oldz and seeing the same political shit going on that was around 30 and 40 and 50 years ago…

  • CriticalDragon1177

    Big gay is going to destroy “freedom” in America in the twenty first century, just as big black destroyed “freedom” in America in the fifties and sixties.

    People like Bryan Fischer don’t even realize what an incredible joke they are.

    • … just as big black cock destroyed Bryan Fischer’s tender man-bud that one night at the Spanner in ’87.

      /fixed

  • AlanInSF

    Wait, does this mean Bryan Fischer is gay now?

Previous articleWingnuts Thrilled With Iran Nuclear Deal, Have Nothing But Kind Words For Obama
Next articleWonkette Fires Gay For Freedom, Make Us GoFundMe Now