Same, Beaker. Same.

On Thursday, the Prophet Obama (peace be upon him) won a great victory over the infidels. Or at least a framework for the final agreement of a great victory of the infidels. And the infidels were not pleased! Of course we’re talking about conservatives and the greater wingnuttgentsia, which took to Twitter and blogs and the airwaves to snark and howl like Ben Stiller when he got his dick stuck in his zipper. It was thoroughly entertaining. Here’s a small selection of the shitfit that will likely continue until Iran mercifully nukes America so we don’t have to listen to the conservatives whining about Iranian nukes anymore.

Who did you have in your pool for the Republican senator who would go into a full-on, toddler-throwing-a-tantrum meltdown? John McCain? Ted Cruz? Lindsey Graham? Tom Cotton? Well, you lose, because it was Mark Kirk of Illinois.

The Illinois Republican trashed a deal struck by global powers with Tehran, concluding in a phone interview “that Neville Chamberlain got a lot of more out of Hitler than Wendy Sherman got out of Iran,” a reference to a top State Department negotiator on the deal.

We were unaware that Chamberlain got an international body to forcibly inspect Nazi V-2 factories or that Iran now feels empowered to annex the Sudetenland. Please continue, you tender drama queen.

But Kirk wasn’t done, forecasting that lifting any more sanctions on Iran “dooms the Middle East to yet another war,” one that Israel will have to clean up, perhaps in a nuclear fashion.

“We should be a reviewing presence to see how this unfolds,” Kirk said of Congress’ role, adding: “Which we all know is going to end with a mushroom cloud somewhere near Tehran.”

Kirk’s office called to clarify that Kirk was referring to a nuclear test in Iran.

That … doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. The Iranians will test an above-ground nuke near Tehran, and then Israel will start a war with the entire country? Cool your jets, Barbra Streisand.

Many conservatives were lauding the Washington Post for its editorial condemning the deal.


We are also shocked that the bastion of right-wing conservatism headed by Fred Hiatt, that employer of hippie peaceniks like George Will, Jennifer Rubin, and Marc Thiessen, would toe the conservative party line on this issue. Hang on, we’re going to lie down for a minute.

Breitbart wonder twins Ben Shapiro and Joel Pollak were their usual rational, un-hysterical selves.

iran_shapiro iran_pollak

Twitter sewer line Richard Grenell, Mitt Romney’s former spokesman, brought the golf jokes, conveniently forgetting that it is the Republican-led Congress that is taking a two-week vacation right now while representatives of the administration are pulling all-nighters to finalize this deal.

iran_grenellNoted international-relations expert Dana Loesch took time off from raising $400,000 for that “no homo” pizzeria in Indiana to troll the Obama administration for not making Iran’s horrific policies toward gay people a part of this deal.

iran_loeschActually, Iran will still labor under sanctions imposed because of its terrible human-rights record, which includes its treatment of gays. The only sanctions being lifted are those imposed in relation to its nuclear activities. Perhaps John Kerry could have also made Iran no longer being a repressive theocracy part of the deal, but he was probably anxious to go windsurfing or something. God, we’re going to miss Dana Loesch when she finally returns to her home planet.

And then there was Bill O’Reilly. Sweet Mohammad waving a scimitar, what craziness leaked from that idiot’s facehole?

O’Reilly told Gretchen Carlson the best thing to do now is “take a deep breath, step back, and say, ‘Okay, let’s hope it’s a decent thing.’”

Exsqueeze us? Uh, baking powder?

“You don’t want a war with Iran,” he said. “You don’t want to be bombing that country, because the unintended consequences will set the world aflame. So if you can get something that’s decent, you give it a shot.”

Carlson brought up the terrorism issue as to why the U.S. might not be able to trust Iran. O’Reilly said the U.S. has negotiated with bad people before and asked, “Do you destroy the country? We could do that, but that would be a world war.”

Motherfucking Bill O’Reilly is the voice of reason amongst the wingnuts today, folks. If anyone needs us, we’ll be looking for the wormhole back to our universe.

[Politico / Mediaite / WaPo]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • JoeChristmas

    They should be quite happy. The last president to make a deal with Iran was their cherished St. Ronnie.

    • ToneDeaf

      If only Obummer would sell the Iranians some warheads, let’s just pick a number, maybe 5,000. Instant conservative SAINT!!!

    • Ruhe

      ♫And if he knew they were nukin’ he’d have sent two cakes!♫

    • HarryButtle

      I’m convinced that some day, historians will look back and realize that the collapse of the United States can be attributed directly to Ronald Reagan. Just about every major problem we are dealing with right now is the result of his policies.

      • nanuq1

        This, so much.

      • texasace00

        And British problems come from Ronnie’s English fuck the workers buddy Thatcher

        • harrylime

          As usual, profanity and name-calling, with no substantive analysis whatsoever. And I’ll “breed” whether you like it or not, Skippy.

    • ryp

      Ronnie sold weapons to Iran so they could kill more Iraqis, and then used the money to buy weapons for the contras so they could kill more commie Nicaraguans. I’m sure if Obama’s deal was designed to kill more brown people, the wingnuts would be complaining less.

      • nanuq1

        Hell, a C-130 just flew away and was never seen again…until it was in Iran.

  • Lizzietish81
    • SterWonk

      Rush (the good kind!) LIBEL!

  • AntiDerpomeme

    LOLOL, that golf cart schtick never gets old. Conservative humor at its finest.


    • jmk

      I know! DEFUND ACORN!!!1!!1!!

  • AntiDerpomeme

    And since when does screeching harpy Dramaqueen Loesch give a flying fuck about gay rights, in this country or any other?

    • jmk

      It’s the same strategy that wingnut preachers use when they take a short break from screaming about reproductive rights causing tornadoes and feminists causing hurricanes here in the states to screech on and on about how Islam is bad for the way it treats women.

      • frrolfe

        you forgot to mention grifting. its always grifting.

        • jmk

          Oh mercy yes, it is always ALL about the grifting.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      And since when does screeching harpy Dramaqueen Loesch give a flying fuck about gay rights

      Since it can be weaponized to use against Barack NOhomo!

      I think that was like a THREE POINT PLAY for TEAM WINGNUT!!

  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    Time to activate stage 2 of the Republican brain worms: shouting, flailing and references to “end times” will be deployed, naked irrational emotionalism, speaking in tongues and snake handling to follow.

    • nanuq1

      I’d let a naked Megyn Kelly handle my snake, as long as she didn’t talk.

  • beatbort

    This sort of hysterical blowback from the robot right wing convinces me that this is an excellent deal for the security of the United States and the rest of the world. Whatever they are “for” I am against. Whatever they are “against” I am for. The end.

  • Tony Alexander

    maybe it’s just me, but one would think that these nutters actually WANT the president to fail!

    i’m just sayin’

    • Bill Slider

      Want, hell, they demand that he fail. They will not be satisfied until Obama sends this planet on a trajectory toward the sun, at an accelerated speed. Any resemblance between this and the Rapture is totally coincidence.

  • As weird as O’Reilly’s level-headedness was, it was even weirder when he just said that Wonkette URL out loud.

    • Tony Alexander

      trust me, o’reilly’s level-headedness in nothing more than damage control from the whole liar-gate thingy!

      • He’s getting too old to be on the imaginary front lines of another war…

        • Tallmutha

          Yes, he’s seen enough of killing, in newspapers.

      • SpideySenser

        My thoughts, exactly!

  • deanbooth

    If a group of diplomats from Britian, France, Germany, China and Russia agree the deal is OK, I’m not swayed much by America’s dinguses, right or left.

  • cousin itt

    Iran was promised Obamaphones and Obamacare, obv.

  • Guest

    You can’t compete with Santa Claus.

    • JohnBull

      Well, he IS white.

  • Ruhe

    I hate it when Bill is rational.

    • Tallmutha

      IK,R? It’s kinda like in an old Western where two rangers are on lookout duty and one says “Quiet out tonight” and the other says “… maybe TOO quiet.”

    • Callyson

      I know, but it is a rare experience after all.

  • memzilla

    In Iran they’re called mullahs, in ‘Murica they’re called conservatives. One makes a hadj to Mecca, the other to Faux News.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    We all know how this is going to end, with a mushroom pizza outside Tehran. Say, anyone else hungry?

    • memzilla

      I’ll bet they have non-ghey-serving pizzerias in Tehran, also too.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        Halal pizza sucks. Just sayin.

        • Querolous

          No Canadian Bacon.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Or Canadian Whiskey.

    • FauxAntocles

      Well, I am now, thanks for nuttin!

  • dslindc

    What does Sister Peggy Noonan of Our Lady of the Speed-Dial Pharmacist have to say?

    • JohnBull

      “Wha… this Bom…bay…Saph-ire (hic) empty for?

  • HarryButtle

    BillO is an enigma wrapped in a riddle covered with excrement.

    • FauxAntocles

      Yeah, I was all “meh” until that BillO stuff. WTF? Peace is better than war? Who is this guy?

  • I’d rather stick to the war on Christmas (and Easter, obv.) than get into a war with Iran….but that’s just me.

    • Candy Apple

      But what about the injustice of the Christian War On Halloween??

  • HarryButtle

    Oh, and a half a million bucks? Congratulations Crystal O’Connor, you’re the latest jackpot winner of Wingnut Welfare! Now you can simply retire and not serve your shitty pizza the EVERYONE!

    • zerosumgame0005

      now lets wait while she tries to avoid paying taxes :)

      • HarryButtle

        The IRS is persecuting me for my Christian beliefs!

    • H0mer0

      gud thing I clicked that link. I thought Crystal O’Connor was your new nickname for Dana Loesch (named after a stripper in “Showgirls.”) I would have to see Dana nekked before I concur (for science.) Oh wait, that was “Connors”–never mind…

    • geoffalnutt

      Monster Truck-nuts to go on the new Monster truck…or just set ’em out front in front of the double-wide…in the dirt.

  • smitallica

    Attention all conservative pants-shitters: When you’ve lost Bill O’Reilly and Pat Fucking Buchanan, you’ve lost.

    • nanuq1

      So much this. They’re looking for the exit.

    • Candy Apple

      No kidding! I read an editorial from Pat Buchanan the other day and was thunderstruck at the thought that he was being sensible and I’d just agreed with him.

      • Not surprised about Pat. He’s in favour of religious fascists in general. He’d be one of those guys who’d want the US to join up with Russia and Iran to persecute gays and liberals.

  • blaid droog

    since iran is really no more crazy than the current kim-chee of N.korea, putin should just sell a few nukes to iran and then we would have middle east parity. then they could lie about having them just like bb nutnyahoo.

    • I have many Persian friends who left Iran to get away from the religious nuts who run the place, but they still go back for holidays etc without threat of being put in Religious Gulag. So I’d say Iran is… well, probably about as bad as Russia, and only the real nutcases want to nuke Moscow. Right?

  • NorthStarSpanx

    “You don’t want a war with Iran,” he said. Because then BillO would have to deploy to the trenches to cover that godless country and save his crew once again also too.

    • Msgr_Moment

      I thought that time-traveling BillO had already returned from covering that war.

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    In the works of Marx (Groucho), “Whatever it is, I’m against it.”

  • OneYieldRegular

    “But WAAAAAH! Negotiations are more difficult than bombing!” – Republicans

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      You push the red button to drop a bomb. You have to think and articulate to negotiate.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    That’s the frustrating thing about Billo. Every once in a long while, he actually cuts the lies, bullshit and self-promotion and says something sensible. What can’t he do it more often?

    • Callyson

      “That’s not what we pay you for, Bill!”

      – Rupert Murdoch

  • Oblios_Cap

    God, we’re going to miss Dana Loesch when she finally returns to her home planet.
    No we won’t.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      They won’t be too happy to welcome her back to Uranus, either.

      • TheBidenator

        She’s not living in my anus! She can go back to Heranus….

    • Me not sure

      New Jersey ?

  • Me not sure

    Chris Christy, who negotiated NJ’s pollution settlement of $9 billion down to $250 million, said that the president isn’t a good negotiator. I must leave now, my brain is dyinggg…………Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer doooooo…..

  • geoffalnutt

    Nuttinyahoo and the Americans of Wingnuttia want nothing so badly as to nuke Iran…or anyone (for that matter). Anything less proves that Obama is actually Satan…in a clever disguise.

  • JustPixelz

    Bill O’Reilly is the voice of reason

    He was there, right?

  • Bitter Scribe

    If every nitwit, going back to the Vietnam War, who ever used the Munich analogy had been obliged to send me a dime, I could buy this website and hire 100 staffers.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      And that would be way more full-time staffers than Twitchy. Snap! They burnt!

  • Ellis_Weiner

    Fun Fact: I went to high school with Wendy Sherman. She was a year ahead of me, and played the Queen in her class’s production of Once Upon a Mattress. (Also in her class: Danny Lipman, co-creator of Queer as Folk and other tv “fare.”)

  • JustPixelz

    As Republicans cut food stamps by millions because “we can’t afford it”, I’ll take the bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran wingers more seriously if they explain how they’ll raise $3 trillion* to pay for war. Can they say “tax increase”?
    * I guess. Iraq and Afghanistan cost about $2 trillion, which we charged to our Bank of China VISA card.

  • Ducksworthy

    I sometimes wish that someone would remind these lunatics the Neville Chamberlain was the head of the Conservative Party. Maybe they didn’t exactly love Hitler but at least he was hard on those nasty trade unions.

    • … and that Winston Churchill was a former Liberal Party MP.

  • Voice of Reason

    I’m surprised that you missed Tom Cotton stating that he will accept nothing short of “complete nuclear disarmament” of Iran.
    Since one has to have nuclear armaments in order to dis-arm(ament), I guess Cotton can get behind this deal.

    • Baby_Raptor

      CotFuck likes to pretend he matters.

    • Israel can have all the nukes they can carry, though, right?

  • hey mark are you TRYING to help tammy get elected?


  • Metadude

    Something something something HITLER!!!!!!!!11111

  • TheBidenator

    Oy, Munich again? Get a new analogy, fuckfaces…actually you’d think given that the Nazi military buildup which precipitated Munich as a direct consequence of the Versailles Treaty of harsh sanctions that crippled Germany and led to the rise of Hiter and the GOP’s torpedoing of the League of Nations wingnuts would be less than thrilled with the callbacks given that conservatives on both sides of the Atlantic were more or less responsible for the entire debacle….

    • Baby_Raptor

      That requires them to be both educated and self-aware.

      Don’t hold your breath.

  • BaddTicker

    Ya gotta feel sorry for someone like Dana who cannot stop thinking about the gays regardless of the subject at hand.

  • texasace00

    Hey GOP; If Capitalism is the cure for every Ill, then just like the Iranians eat some fucking cake

  • JRC

    These wing nuts are more dangerous then the nazi’s ever thought of being. These nut jobs want (all)humanity as we know it to cease. They pray to their god to come and save them from all of us evil people every second of their day. They call it a second coming. These nut jobs are trying as hard as they can to make it happen. If what has happened since 03 is any indication of were we are at then humanity is well on the way to its own demise. As far as I’m concerned that would be just fine if it was just them that was effected by their doomsday crap, but they want the rest of us to go along with it and die right beside them. And they are not sitting on the sidelines waiting, they are actively perusing this line of thought Reminds me of the whole Mazda fiasco back in 70CE These idiots need to be careful what they hope for cause the reality will be far worse then they ever realized.

    • Mazda fiasco – the one where the Jewish rebels against Rome were screwed on a deal for cheap Japanese imported cars?

  • r m reddicks

    Bad Godwin, Marky Kirk.

  • Hitler just called and the conversation was really a lot like your popular memes, you know, like Hitler plays civ 5 or something. long story short, he really really did not like his association with the blah guy. I think he would appreciate it if you might consider Josef Stalin, since he was an actual commie. I think he might have a point.

  • Just fucking great, I got a call from Stalin. It was long and boring but the upshot is that histories greatest monster is not exactly a commie. Try referencing satan next time.

  • Fuck me! Now satan is drunk dialing me. I call forwarded his shit over to that newt who beat me out of a sweet easy job over at red state. Their circular reasoning is so tight it’s like dogs chasing their tails. Instead I have to chum the water for a bunch of snarks at wonkette. Have you ever tried to herd cats?

  • Paperless Tiger

    Nuclear stand-off has been a done deal between Israel and Iran for at least a decade. That is the only reason we haven’t sent in death squads as in Libya and Syria. About the only people in the world who don’t know that are Republican officials, and maybe Netanyahu.

Previous articleHarry Reid Invited To Celebrate Retirement With Hookers, Will Have To Bring His Own Blow
Next articleArkansas And Indiana Suck Up To Big Gay With ‘Fixed’ Religious Freedom Bills