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Lyra is in denial

Yr Wonkette was pretty impressed by the story of Memories Pizza, the brave little Christian-owned pizzeria in Walkerton, Indiana, which announced it would definitely not cater any gay weddings, no way, not ever. It was a pretty brave stance, considering that there are probably fewer gay weddings featuring pizza than there are sightings of the Loch Ness Monster in Death Valley.

Unfortunately, there’s also a thing called the internet, and so along with the predictable trolling of the pizzeria’s Yelp reviews, lots of tweets expressing outrage, and any number of unlikely plans to stage mass gay kiss-ins at the restaurant, there was also at least one tweet about burning the place to the ground, and according to rightwing pundit Dana Loesch, owners Crystal O’Connor and her father Kevin were “receiving a lot of death threats” and had closed the restaurant, unsure whether they’d ever reopen. Loesch publicized a GoFundMe page to “relieve the financial loss endured by the proprietors’ stand for faith,” and the donations so far just went over half a million dollars.

memories gofundme 2

As we said the first time we wrote about this story:

[The] Very Fucking Idea Of Pizza At A Wedding is so unlikely that we daresay — yes, we dare! — that the O’Connors’ principled opposition to catering gay weddings is naught but a cynical ploy to get publicity.

And half a million bucks in a single day is a pretty good payout, although they were probably just hoping for increased traffic from people coming in to congratulate them on their bravery.

This, by the way, is where we have to emphasize that DEATH THREATS ARE NOT COOL AND NO ONE SHOULD EVER MAKE THEM. That said, we’d also note that another reason Kevin O’Connor told Fox News he’d closed the store was that the restaurant was being inundated with phone orders, and they weren’t sure which calls were real, fake, or possible threats, so much of the problem was also less felonious trolling, which is still bad; don’t do that.

But we’re also impressed by how readily the Family Values crowd will open up their wallets to help the victims of — as rightwing moron Pat Dollard put it — “terrorist attacks” by “gay jihadis” (AKA “the New ISIS”), which to his mind included everything from the death threats (definitely terrible, but not “terrorism”) to the trolling Yelp reviews (which the Department Of Homeland Security’s terrorism manual classifies as “You Have Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me”). Sometimes we think ol’ Pat has a problem with perspective.

Which is why Yr. Wonkette is proud to announce that, due to our sincerely held religious beliefs, we absolutely will not write any dick jokes for gay weddings. Also, if it will help incite some outrage that could get us some of that sweet Traditional Marriage cash, we also want you all to know that for all of our congratulations on her moving on to a new job, we totally fired Snipy because she was gay, and we were worried we’d get gay cooties all over our servers. Also, while we’re keeping Evan, we’re definitely going to give him a lot more side-eye, and we pledge to occasionally steal his lunch from the fridge. We’ve put up “No Subaru Parking” all around the lot at the WonkoPlex, and we’d also ban Toyota Prii except for how the boss owns one. We’ve cancelled our sponsorship of Missoula’s Judy Garland Film Festival in protest of Big Gay, and will now only refer to the Indigo Girls as “Dos Lesbos.” We’re still working on a good slur for Tegan and Sara, and expect to make an inflammatory announcement soon. And did we mention that our Editrix is in a totally straight, no-homo marriage to a straight man, and is knocked up with a straight baby who will never ever be allowed to see Disney’s gay witch propaganda movie Frozen? (That’s right, we just took a rhetorical swing at Wiccans, too!)

Now all we need are a couple of tweets that terrify us and a GoFundMe, and we should be set!

[Mediaite / Daily Caller / Mediaite again / Pat Dollard]

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  • Nounverb911

    Palin Grifting Industries just got a new grifting scheme.

    • weejee

      That’s Whasilly.

      • ahughes798

        But what does Lou Sarah think? I don’t know, Alaska.

    • malsperanza

      It will be interesting to see how she manages to find ways to divert some of the cashola to her own coffers. I predict a “Standing Tall with Indiana Straight Pizza” poster campaign, featuring a photo op of Sarah fellating a slice in front of the store.

      • kindness

        Well Michelle Bachmann is available. We could photoshop that corndog deep throat (contain yourself Marcus, we all know you were the one who taught her how) with a slice of pizza.

  • exinkwretch

    Rude signs in the parking lot is a solid start. But you’re going to have step up your game — way up — if you expect me to part with some scarce dollars. A public stoning in the parking lot should do it.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Gay marriage is threatening the sanctity of my courtroom marriage. Please send me large amounts of cash.

  • RyanInMissouri

    Wonkette makes the worst pizza I’ve ever had. It was soggy and greasy and the delivery driver told me a buttsechs joke. (I hope that helps with the $$$!)

    • Based on the documentary movies I’ve seen, you’re supposed to invite the driver inside. The pizza is not the focus.

      • Anarchy Pony

        But the delivery guy drives a focus.

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          Focus? Both us?

          • ThatDale

            Beat me to it.

            (The first time I saw a Ford Focus billboard, I nearly drove off the road.)

    • weejee

      But the coffee cups are hot.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        So hot that if you spill them on your lap, it’s like winning the lottery!

    • Guest

      I don’t make no fucking pizza for nobody. Gheys too. Where’s my money?
      I mean where is all the money I’m giving to my ghey hating Church of Christians
      who said we should love each other not hate. That not making pizza sounds like a good gig.

  • jmk

    THE HORROR! I am traumatized by this!!

    Visit my GoFundMe page to help me heal!!

  • I’ve been sending Wonkette money month after month, and I still haven’t gotten any pizza. I do keep getting bags of dicks that I’m told to go eat, though. I guess that’s good.

    • kindness

      Are they properly salted?

    • Gleem-McShinez

      NPR has totebags, Wonket has dickbags?

      I guess we should be thankful Wonket doesn’t have an Evergreen Shitmuffin Plan.

  • Spotts1701

    Needs moar “The power of Christ compels you!”

    • dave.lefevre

      They will have a place on the far-right martyrdom lecture circuit. Which is good because they now have no place to call home in the world of decent, moral human beings.

      • Blank Ron

        I am inclined to think they never did. You don’t develop this much butthurt overnight.

  • VirginiaLady

    Well if you think it will help, here goes:

    Better keep your eyes on de skies ’cause someone might send the flying monkies armed with white chocolate crossbows to get ya!

  • dave.lefevre

    No one has pointed out the obvious. That obvious point is that people who are moronic enough to go on TV and proudly announce that they are bigots at a time when the world of decent, moral people are up in arms against a group of hateful assholes in your state are braindead morons and they would have been out of business within a couple of months because they aren’t smart enough to cross a street without getting hit, let alone run a business’s finances.

    • Smibo

      Yet they managed to score a cool half-mil (and counting).

      Another obvious point that seems to go unmentioned is that, according to their Yelp page, they never provided catering services at all, ever.

      So of course they would say “no” to a request to cater a ghey wedding with (ugh) pizzas. They would (presumably) also say no to catering a bar/bat mitzvah, a Kwanza party, or a Duggar family reunion. They just don’t cater, period.

      They’ve managed to turn the whole “not providing services” thing into a cash cow. Call it what you will (personally, I choose “grifting”), but the results would indicate it’s not exactly “stupid”.

      I don’t provide catering services either, so I would have to say “no” to a request to cater a ghey wedding. Can I haz a few hundred $K?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I’ve set up a Monsieur Grumpe Go Fund Me to fix my bad attitude toward everyone and everything GIVE ME MONEY and make me happy!!!11!1

    • weejee

      Ah the engineer gearing-up for a big payday.

    • eggsacklywright

      If I ever win the lottery, I’ll say, “It’s about fucking time.”

  • Oblios_Cap

    Are you paying Evan 77% of what a straight man makes?

    • They pay him in what appear to be a $20 bills, but are in fact Jesus tracts.

      • HarryButtle

        Tucked into his sparkly G-string.

  • Ergoetal

    Dana Loesch on line 6.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    $536,865 and counting for Memories Pizza so far.
    I’m in the wrong business. I feel some victimization of my lifestyle coming on…

    http://www.gofundme.com/MemoriesPizza

    • jviscont1

      with that amount of cash on hand, we can say there was never more a fateful business name than Memories.

    • JohnBull

      Just think of how many rooms Aaron Schock could decorate with that. In his case, I suppose not that many.

  • m3bosha

    No Subarus? Revolt! You may take our lives, but you will cannot take our Imprezas!!

    • hamletta

      One of the news stories about this dumb law had a statement from Subaru, “which doesn’t usually make political statements.”

      Well, duh! They’re the official car of the lesbian community, of course they’re gonna make a statement!

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Here in Texas Lesbians drive 4×4 Ford F-150s. Buy American!

        • Lizzietish81

          Ironically Subaru’s are made in America whereas Fords are made in Mexico.

        • kindness

          In N. Cal it’s the Outback. Curiously I am looking to buy a 4×4 F-150 but I’m not a lesbian so no one will be offended I guess.

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            Don’t buy the diesel.

          • kindness

            No. The 5.0 liter one is what I want.

            btw Jerry lives (in my heart).

    • mtn_philosoph

      WRX STI – it’s not just a nasty little infection.

  • dslindc

    I wish I could give there here librul mommy blog a bad review for faux-hating the ghey. If only it allowed comments!

  • Ruhe

    Go Fund Me is the death of the long con, I tells ya!

  • AntiDerpomeme

    … due to our sincerely held religious beliefs, we absolutely will not write any dick jokes for gay weddings

    Welp, say goodbye to a major revenue stream for Wonkette Enterprises, Inc. Stockholders are gonna be pissed!

    • FauxAntocles

      That’s where the sweet, sweet welfare of Go Fund Me comes in. And it’s not government funded welfare either! Free Market Victory!

  • Lizzietish81

    Wasn’t there an iCarly episode like this?

  • Lizzietish81

    Speaking as both a Wiccan and a bisexual Subaru driving (until I moved to NYC and started taking Public Transit which also makes me a godless New Yorker and Environmentalist), single woman with her own job, I would like money for therapy which will turn me into a meek child bearing housewife.

    • HarryButtle

      That’s funny…my wife’s a bisexual Wiccan Subaru driver.

      Do you like Pina Coladas?

    • Spotts1701

      Well, a one-way ticket to Stepford shouldn’t be that expensive…

    • JustPixelz

      I’ve never seen a bisexual Subaru. It must have both in and out facing gas filler tubes.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        The four-way drive is what’s really kinky.

    • Anarchy Pony

      “Speaking as both a Wiccan and a bisexual Subaru driving (until I moved to NYC and started taking Public Transit which also makes me a godless New Yorker and Environmentalist), single woman with her own job,”

      Oh gawd that’s hawt. Tell me you are or were into punk rock and I’m yours forever.

      • Lizzietish81

        I enjoy it.

        • Anarchy Pony

          Words fail me…

          • Lizzietish81

            Are you free this weekend?

          • Anarchy Pony

            Yes, but unfortunately I’m on the left coast right now.

          • Blank Ron

            Jeez, you two, get a room. Oh, and a video camera.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      What is truly frightening about this is that there are dumbasses who would actually send you money for it.

  • Derp perp

    I wanna say something rude and un-“PC” so I can get paid, too!!!

    • H0mer0

      Is that a msg for former SMOTI?

  • HarryButtle

    Now the Gay Mafia’s gonna put a unicorn head in your bed…

  • Lizzietish81

    Also, I want money for the emotional wear and tear of Wonkette causing Pandora to crash.

    • JustPixelz

      Don’t blame Wonkette for Obama’s sins.

  • Macbill

    Apparently, bigotry pays.

    • Tony Alexander

      well!

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Always has, always will.

  • weejee

    So no Romo and Julio jokes?

  • Bill Slider

    Wonkette to feature 8 minute pink pony porn. There, that should vastly increase page views, which will allow for increased advertising rates. Your ad rates should equal those of the Super Bowl by Thanksgiving when you unveil the Turkey Fuck feature.

    • Blank Ron

      Now you’re just teasing…

  • Tony Alexander

    you gotta admit kiddies, religion is, by far, the bestest fucking scam going. no contest!

    by comparison, everything else is pure bullshit, amateur hour.

    • superdave

      L. Ron Hubbard says Hi!

      • Oblios_Cap

        Joseph Smith would wave atcha, but he’s not around anymore.

        • malsperanza

          Went home to Xenu?

          • glasspusher

            That’s “Clear”

          • kindness

            No Thetans for you,

          • H0mer0

            I thought that was Golub—I mean Kolub.

      • malsperanza

        Rev. Ike libel!

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Now they are talking about re-opening. I don’t know why. With $500k they are definately the richest family in Hooterville. They should by a Doublewide and a Monster Truck and retire.

      • Tony Alexander

        assholes will prolly franchise!

      • Sam Hain

        Reopen, then close down so they can beg for more cash…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Sarah is giving it the old five or seven colleges try, though!

      • Tony Alexander

        oh, i’ll say this for that grifting snowbilly, she damn sure has some chops. she almost has the science honed!

        • geoffalnutt

          Yeah, but her tits are staring stupidly at the permafrost, now. She’s old. She probably smells like the inside of a 1973 Dodge.

      • nmmagyar

        I’m shocked she hasn’t turned to a “Ministry” of some sort by now. Sooner or later people are going to realize that she has about a snowball’s chance in hell in the political arena

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Half a million in one day on an anti-gay business grift? Shit, Sheriff Mack, you and your cheap-ass healthcare gimmick, you were aiming low.

  • I just set up a GoFuckMe account to relieve the sexual loss of being in a straight marriage.

    • Blank Ron

      I feel your pain.

      • Thank you for your donation – I appreciate that someone has finally felt my pain.

        (And by “pain”, I of course mean “penis”.)

  • HarryButtle

    How many assholes do you suppose are sitting in their failing, shitty little Indiana businesses saying, “If only I’d been first…”

    • Anarchy Pony

      All of them, katie.

  • Wild Cat

    Hey!

    At least in Indiana, you can order gluten-rich pizza topped with anchovies, peppers, onions, pepperoni, or Teh Gay Cum.

    What does Wonkette offer except for toppings of steaming snark?

    • Vecciojohn

      Oh yeah? Does Indiana have vagina dentata panties? Liz Warren Societ-themed coffee mugs and tees? I thought not!

      • kindness

        Roadshows with a scantily clad Rebecca pole dancing while everyone drinks in excess? What? You say there was no pole dancing? No scantily clad? But there was excess drinking? Well there is a God then.

  • crunchyknee

    And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling Christianists!

  • RevZafod

    DEATH TO WONKETTE!1!!

    [There, does that help?]

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Clutching-sized pearls and a fainting couch for sale here … call me

  • Me not sure

    I haz webbed feet. They make me look like a duk. Dux ‘er gay. Can I haz munnies now?

  • Adrian

    A third of that money will go to taxes.

    • Tony Alexander

      thanks obama.

    • Blank Ron

      By ‘taxes’ you mean ‘moar guns,’ right?

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Can you make me a Mussolini Pizza and a Hitler cake by tomorrow? I need them for Easter.

    • nmmagyar

      Sorry, I only do the Hitler cake for Passover, and I’m all sold out

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        How about an unleavened three cheese and bitter herbs pizza for Passover?

        • nmmagyar

          with or without charoset?

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            With of course.

      • ahughes798

        Is that a cake we like?

  • sillyclucker

    Obviously, pizza is more important than healthcare for wingnuts in AZ.

  • JohnBull

    Would you like us to bring anything back from the Missoula Judy Garland festival? Perhaps some Valley-of-the-Dolls-era quaaludes?

  • tegrat

    This makes Shurrif Mack look like a total newb.

  • Steverino247

    Not so fast there. The GoFundMe effort was started by Lawrence BIlly Jones III. When actual money changes hands, I’ll be impressed. In the mean time, it’s just grifting and more publicity stunting.

    • Zippy

      Bingo

      • Land Shark

        and Lawrence Billy Jones is no relation to the aggrieved jebus pizza place, correct?

        What a perfect scam …. no wonder email spamming works.

        • Blank Ron

          ‘Lawrence Billy Jones III’ is kind of an odd name for a Nigerian prince, isn’t it?

  • geoffalnutt

    I’m mighty relieved at the “no dick jokes” part, actually. A pecker is a very serious thing and should never be smirked at. They’re extremely sensitive…and tend to shrivel and wither when they hear a “snork” directed their way. You can keep the conversation ‘light’, but refrain from jokes.

    • laineypc

      I snork in your general direction.

    • H0mer0

      Down, wanton, down! Have you no shame
      That at the whisper of Love’s name,
      Or Beauty’s, presto! up you raise
      Your angry head and stand at gaze?

      Poor bombard-captain, sworn to reach
      The ravelin and effect a breach–
      Indifferent what you storm or why,
      So be that in the breach you die!

      Love may be blind, but Love at least
      Knows what is man and what mere beast;
      Or Beauty wayward, but requires
      More delicacy from her squires.

      Tell me, my witless, whose one boast
      Could be your staunchness at the post,
      When were you made a man of parts
      To think fine and profess the arts?

      Will many-gifted Beauty come
      Bowing to your bald rule of thumb,
      Or Love swear loyalty to your crown?
      Be gone, have done! Down, wanton, down!

      Robert Graves

      • geoffalnutt

        I am non-plussed so much…and everything. I mean it a lot! Touche!!

  • quasigentrified

    I’MMA KILL U FOR THIS!!! THIS IA A VERY REAL* THREAT!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

    * gonna need $50 for this assist, doc. sockpuppeting doesn’t pay so good if i ain’t on the pnac tip.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I wish that Wonkette would stop ramming its Gay Straight Wiccan Pizza-based Dick-Joke-Averse Subaru Agenda down my throat!!!!!!!!!11!,.,1!,!1!!!!1

    • Blank Ron

      Are you saying you prefer anal to oral?

  • Paperless Tiger

    Maybe if Wonkette allowed comments, it could get taken over by right wing nut-jobs like Huffington Post, and they would donate money to help fuck over gay people.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I find this whole mess frustrating as a family reunion.

    Some politicians started this shit ball down the slope of
    slime by writing awful laws that gratify homo haters with money.

    We have one clearly not very bright pizza manager saying
    that Jesbus is telling her it’s alright to snub anyone just because it’s Jebus.

    We have idiots threatening the stupid bigoted pizza people.

    And we have moronic conservative wing nuts throwing lots of money
    at stupid bigoted pizza people because they are perpetually in search of
    something to be outraged about.

    *sigh*

    • willi0000000

      kind of a grand slam of hate.

    • Land Shark

      Don’t forget the bigoted “media”!!

  • JustPixelz

    That half million (or is it up to a million by now) could have been put to use for something Jesus actually did care about. But for the so-called Christians in America, feeling self-righteous is more important than being righteous.

    For what it’s worth, here are some of the larger organizations Christians are urged to boycott because of “promoting homosexual sin” in one form or another:

    Starbucks
    Pepsi
    JC Penney
    Oreos
    The Muppets
    Amazon
    Nike
    Google
    Cheerios
    Girls Scouts
    Angie’s List
    7-Eleven
    Abercrombie & Fitch
    American Airlines
    American Girl
    Blockbuster Video
    Burger King
    Calvin Klein
    Carl’s Jr.
    Clorox
    Comcast
    Crest
    Ford
    Hallmark Cards
    Hardee’s
    Kmart
    Kraft Foods
    S. C. Johnson & Son
    Movie Gallery
    Microsoft
    MTV
    Paramount Pictures
    Time Warner
    Universal Studios
    DreamWorks
    Mary Kay
    NutriSystem
    Old Navy
    IKEA
    Sears
    Pampers
    Procter & Gamble
    Target
    Tide
    Walt Disney Company

    • JohnBull

      My protest list exactly. Wait, what the hell’s going on??

    • Blank Ron

      Crest? What, only gheys have clean teeth?
      Actually, now that I think about it…

  • FauxyVixen

    How do you KNOW the not-borned-yet is straight?!

    • Squirrels05

      The larger threat:

      Baby communists.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        If the babies play nice with each other, it’s DEFINITELY a sign of communist corruption.

        Or they’ve been briefed on the New Testament and tainted for life!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    You know, given the nature of the people screaming, I strongly suspect that the “death threats” are imaginary…or pure projection. Because it is unusual for people on this side of the aisle to issue specific death threats. However, it is ROUTINE on the other side of the aisle to do so…I mean, who came up with the term “Second Amendment remedies”? Just as gays are recruiting your children, precisely the way the fundigelicals go after the little tykes to “save” them.

    Uh-huh.

    • Also, I was reading about a new app for open carry loons that gives them the names and address of gun control advocates. Stay classy open carry fuckyards.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I’d not be the least surprised if they got threats . . . we’re talking internet trolls here, most of whom are assholes and some of whom are borderline insane.
      I’d also not be surprised if the “lot of threats” adds up to 1, which is more than enough for Pat Dullard to fire up the teatard paranoia machine.

      Maybe the half-mil will enable these folks to shut down the business and retire. Win-win there, since it means one less bigoted business in Indiana. I say, let’s find another martyr and keep the fundie money flowing … there’s no telling how many of these awful places they might shut down at their own expense!

      • willi0000000

        ! . . . except for “borderline”

      • Left Coast Tom

        I wouldn’t be surprised, by either the existence of a “threat” or the total being 1, either.

        I would note, though, that Google Maps shows that our Makers of Bigoted Pizza are located in the same block as their town’s police station.

        So I’m pretty sure that an adequate way of dealing with such a “threat” would be to walk next door and show it to the police.

    • JohnBull

      Yeah, I call BS on this too. Our threats are usually too esoteric to be taken seriously. There’s always a Bea Arthur reference somewhere.

  • Metadude

    Pay away the Gay?

  • Joshua Norton

    Said NO Gay couple evah….

    • laineypc

      That is such a sweet picture of the couple, though! It gives me the warm smiley fuzzies, like the kitty pics do.

      • H0mer0

        That does kind of remind me of a very sweet picture of Ellen and Portia at their reception. What a gorgeous couple!

    • nmmagyar

      Carbs AND cholesterol? No freaking way. We’d all have to skip our honeymoons just to work off the reception at the gym.

  • Guest

    With so many people railing about Gays, I’m thinking I might have to try some gay just to cop a feel of what all the brouhaha is about.

    • Blank Ron

      Above the waist until the second date, please.

  • Vecciojohn

    Help, help! Wonkette’s sincerely held religious beliefs are being violated by the gay homosexuals!

    • Blank Ron

      I thought it was Wonkette’s commenters who were being violated by the gay homosexuals. Well, some of them. And voluntarily. But… umm… BUTTSEKS!!!1!

      • ahughes798

        Wonkette does not allow comments, though.

        • Blank Ron

          Oh, right, I remember reading that somewhere.

  • Damn…I hate it when people out-cynical me. I thought this was just a ploy to generate more business, but I completely forgot the fund raiser thingy. 500 large…wow…that’s a lot of pizza. approximately 33,000 by my calculations. Well played, Memories…well played.

  • Callyson

    OK, deleted commenters, can we agree on this much?

    Death threats are not cool. Not when they are issued against homophobes, and not when issued against abortion doctors. Agreed?

    (Gee, it got awfully quiet in here…)

    • Tansy Geek

      We don’t need no stinkin’ death threats, we got dick jokes.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Hearing no objections, the resolution is passed.

  • Squirrels05

    And unless the Right wing sends thousands of dollars to Editrix, the baby will come out and go commie at its first breath.

    So, send moneez now, stop communism!

    • Guest

      Hey, we don’t need no stinking death threats, we got dick jokes.

      • kindness

        Needz moar vagina jokes.

        I admit I don’t know any.

      • Blank Ron

        Where have I heard that before?

  • And in related news…
    A GA florist says Gay? No way, but cheaters ok.

    Here’s a fun rainy day activity. A hetero couple goes into the shop to order flowers for their wedding.

    “Can you do an anal themed arrangement? We really love anal. All the time anal anal anal. Oh, and oral sex! We don’t plan on having children so we have a pretty big budget for flowers.”

    http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2015/04/georgia-florists-religious-hypocrisy-shell-serve-adulterers-but-gay-couples-are-a-different-kind-of-sin/

    • JohnBull

      They’ll take cheaters? Sounds great, except for the second or third time when the third-party check bounces.

    • Zippy

      It’s simple- the only sin these hypocrites object to is the one that isn’t the result of a choice on the part of the sinner. All the other ones are moral failings, as opposed to the immutable characteristic of being gay. As such, they can safely rail against teh gheys, knowing they’ll never screw up and ‘become’ gay, whereas they and their friends and neighbors are all quite susceptible to those other sins- in fact, a good many of them are already guilty of one or more of them. Thanks to that classic Xtian hypocrisy, they’ve just decided that all the sins they may be guilty of aren’t “real” sins and the only “bad” sin is the one they don’t have to worry about.

      • willi0000000

        there’s more than a grain of truth in what you say.

        [the Pin nailed it!]

        • Zippy

          It’s also why they’re so obsessed with claiming homosexuality is a choice- otherwise their BS falls apart

        • bobbert

          Zippy’s proposition does provide a far richer analytical framework than my own theory, which is that they are all fucking unreasoning assholes.

          Unfortunately, they are still fucking unreasoning assholes.

  • TAndrewsW

    My wallet is open. I always suspected gay cooties were a thing.

  • malsperanza

    I have no problem whatever with these schmoes getting money from their schmoe supporters. The inevitable death threats are just one sickening and completely predictable aspect of how shitty Internet shaming can get.

    These idiots did us all the huge favor of INSTANTLY putting the lie to Gov. Pence’s claim that his fuckwit law was not going to promote discrimination. It took all of 10 minutes for the nice bigots at Memories Pizza to ignite a global firestorm of outrage, which led promptly to boycotts, and from there to revision of the law (in AR too, which wasn’t even on the radar). Yeah, I’d prefer repeal, but we still owe them a friendly thank-you.

    Next time I’m in the South Bend area, I will stop by and say so. I’m sure they’ll enjoy hearing it, unless they use the cash to move someplace more congenial to their worldview, such as Peshawar.

    • NotALiar

      All you had to do was look at who was standing behind him when he signed to instantly know his motives.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Sorry, that GoFundMe interface is confusing. I thought I was donating to a racist sheriff.

  • Wedding pizza might work. Perhaps a tiered arrangement, with a little bride and groom(or bride and bride or groom and groom)on top, sitting around that little table thing that keeps the pizza from getting crushed. For those with a quirky taste, you could do an arrangement of Bagel Bites. Don’t steal my ideas, Wonketeers. Cash money.

  • NotALiar

    Last night on her radio show she started using this gross super serious choking back tears voice. Saying something close to ” the only difference between the civil rights movement and christians today is that instead of hoses and dogs, the biggots now use twitter and yelp” I could not believe what I’d heard. Being black in the south during jim crow is the same as being christian today.

    • Independently Yours

      Unbelievable! :(

    • willi0000000

      another obvious case of PDS* . . . donate to the cure!

      * Persecution Deficiency Syndrome™

      • bobbert

        Now, there’s a GoFundMe. Go gettem.

        • willi0000000

          don’t need GoFundMe . . . just turn the persecution all the way up to ‘actual’

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      When do they get separate water fountains and lunch counters?
      Oh wait … they’re building their own separate lunch counters!

  • Sam Hain

    The Wonkette needs to charge $5 for each comment that’s not allowed…and trolls get charged double and have their cc numbers posted online.

    • laineypc

      Perhaps one of the more technical commenters could develop an app that geo tracks the trolls.

  • EvelyndeBarry

    I want to see some confirmation that these bland-faced pizza mongers actually get a check for $500,000, or whatever the final tally is. I get the feeling with some of these fundraisers that somehow Blaze TV will be keeping a lot of that money for themselves.

    • Zippy

      of course- these goobers aren’t smart enough to plan this out. Once they shot their mouthholes off and started the inevitable shitstorm though, the usual vultures swooped in to pick the bones clean.

  • frrolfe

    I am disgusted at your bigotry. I will never forgive or forget this!!.
    My closest aides, both Harvard men, are inconsolable. Poor Snipy!!

    Yrs etc,

    V.I. Putin (Mrs)

    Red Square,
    Moscow

    • bobbert

      Nice Python ref.

  • kindness

    $0.5 M for whining is some fine grift.

    What you bet this place throws down a GoFundMe page to pay it’s Health Insurance Costs next?

  • OneYieldRegular

    Needs moar anguished victimization.

  • 0gham

    You need to writhe around on a cross more with your post. I just don’t believe that you are really being crushed under the tyrannical heal of Big Gay. Are you sure you aren’t afraid for your life? Did a homogay take your job? Did a Disney movie prince make you think twice when you chose to be straight? C’mon, man. I can’t do this for you. If you want my money, I’ve gotta see some more victimization.

    It doesn’t even have to be true. Don’t worry, I’ll deliberately avoid any fact-checking, walk-backs, or retractions.

  • ButchWagstaff

    Over a half-million $? Geez, here I am trying to get money by actually working & not being all bigot-y.

    • Blank Ron

      All of us clearly need to rethink our business plans.

  • fish

    I am going to burn this website to the ground!

    (10% cut of profits please).

  • artem1s

    hmmm, gofundme established on April 1? and the conservarubes once again couldn’t tell they were being trolled and opened up their wallets to the tune of $500K? well played, Mr. Lawrence Billy Jones III, well played.

  • Capt.Jim

    Just WOW let me see if I can do this with a straight face.I’m going to start up a go fund me page cause I think I might have been ghey sexed at the bookstore,I aint sure who was on the other side of that glory hole but I meant for it to be a womanz and maybe it was I seen womanz with goatee’s afore but in case it wasnt I have been violated by the gheys now send me some money so I can get past this turrible experience

    • nmmagyar

      I think you need to be a little more Jesus-y and specific as to why you need the money. Put in something about travel expenses to get therapy Marcuss Bachmannnnn’s clinic

      • Capt.Jim

        Damn thanks for the pointer I’ll bet that will work bless you

  • Bitter Scribe

    Is this happening to anyone else? Words like “baby” and “announcement” are dropping out of the text, and when I mouse over the gap, I get a Nordstrom ad. Is this just Chrome dicking me over again? (For the last time, Chrome, I do NOT know what the hell “Shockwave Flash” is and I don’t fucking care. STOP CRASHING MY PC WITH IT.)

    [/rant]

    • Axomamma

      Yes, what’s up with that?

      *shaking fist at Chrome and shockwave*

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Could be malware. Could be Google. It’s getting hard to tell the difference.

  • Charismatic_dairy_goats

    No Subaru parking? Now you’re gettin nasty. No other vehicle allows me to carry around as many reusable shopping bags! I’m being oppressed!!!!
    ETA turning radius of a skateboard!

    • ahughes798

      And all the fast of a skateboard, too. Powaaahhhhh!

  • texasace00

    All well and good, but I got news for those bigots; all the money in the world wont wash their karma clean…

  • whitroth

    Swiping at Wiccans?! Some of my best friends are Wiccan! You’d better take that back, or not only won’t we send you money, we’ll have the Earth Mother Herself swallow you (aren’t you near a major fault line…?)

    mark

    • bobbert

      There you go, Dok. A death threat. Or a geophysical anomaly threat. Or something.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    I’m building a negatron canon right now in my mother’s garage but don’t call the house phone because she is asleep from the six pack of Budlight she drank for dinner and I’m going to use it to shoot negatoids at your web site.

    (what’s my cut of the grift?)

  • Baby_Raptor

    That picture…Isn’t Lyra a lesbian?

    • Blank Ron

      Psst… that’s kinda the gag…

  • zerosumgame0005

    tsk, tsk, tsk don’t you know you ALWAYS have to fake “death threats’ to get that sweet, sweet gofundme cash?

  • Blank Ron

    ‘… Yr. Wonkette is proud to announce that, due to our sincerely held religious beliefs, we absolutely will not write any dick jokes for gay weddings.’
    I am devastated. I built my whole THEME around Wonkette dick jokes. Guess I’m gonna have to marry a girl after all…

  • Alex Grey

    Consider yourself(selves) hereby death threatened, for standing up for your Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs™

    • Alex Grey

      Now I just have to figure out how to kill a website. Can you stab a URL in the back or something? Do I get a cut of that sweet sweet Religious Freedom money, for providing the death threat?

  • Enfant Terrible

    Another strong electromagnetic pulse of irony that fries every irony detection meter in the quadrant: Memories Pizza successfully dupes low-information folks into donating $500K on the week during which Jesus drives the money changers from the temple.

  • Rick Hill

    Sweet butthurt christian monies? Sorry, not enough Jeebus to rate a hateful love offering

  • Ember Rayne

    This makes me fume…
    I’m sitting here trying so hard to get my printer repair for my small business funded and in ten days I’ve gotten 2 donations, one from my mom. -_-
    These guys get half a million bucks in a day for being hateful.. Upsetting.

    • Guest

      This “hateful Christian” wants to help (no joke) but can’t find your gofundme page. Link please?

      • Guest

        She didn’t call you hateful. She called the pizza family hateful.
        Anyhow, go to the reporters facebook page if you want to see tons of examples of Christian hatred.

        Are you saying you fit her description?

        Now who is going to support the SBND reporter, Alyssa Mirano?
        She’s being attacked mercilessly on her facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/alyssamarinoabc57?fref=nf.
        Read the comments, actual hateful comments, threats and wishes of death for her.

        • Guest

          I am saying that I am willing to help her in her goal. That is what I’m saying. She can accept or refuse. I will not engage in discussion past that. If she needs repairs to her printer, I will help her to get repairs to her printer.

          I’m not trying to make any point or have any agenda past showing Jesus.

          If you want to continue replying or arguing with me, you can argue with yourself.

          • Guest

            Not shocked you won’t comment further. Also not surprised to see you playing victim here. Like the pizza family, you inserted yourself into this.
            Don’t worry, you can now tell God what a great God he is and how you supported Him.

          • Guest

            I am looking forward to hearing from Ember. My offer is valid and not a joke.

          • Guest

            Here you go, duskglow, and anyone else who wishes to help.
            I’ve started gofundme page for Ember Rayne. If yo can help herm I’m sure she’d be very grateful.
            http://www.gofundme.com/qwf79x7y

          • Guest

            I found another way to contact her. I’ll do it there. There’s no point in continuing this here. Too much noise. Have a nice day.

          • Guest

            BTW, dusk. Ember didn’t call all Christians hateful. There’s no reason you had to decide to include yourself in her description of the pizza family.

          • Ember Rayne

            I wasn’t calling you hateful, duskglow. I was saying that a lot of these contributors gave not out of love but to show their support for hate. And that’s a shame.
            And I am very appreciative of your offer to share my gofundme (gofundme.com/printerfix) or even contribute to it.
            What I was saying was that it really frustrates me that there is so much financial support for something that people are doing that Christ would absolutely have detested, and that it’s being put out in the name of Christianity. Instead of supporting people who display positive Christian values such as tolerance and kindness, now 700K has been contributed to these people who are making an obvious cash grab. Their business was already obscure and they have never even offered catering in the past AT ALL. Plus they serve pizza. Who orders pizza for their wedding, no matter who is getting married?
            These people knew that they would get financial support for crying “PERSECUTION!” And they were absolutely right.

          • AntiDerpomeme

            I wish you the best Ember. Good luck on your funding.

  • rrgrqr

    Now who is going to support the SBND reporter, Alyssa Mirano?
    She’s being attacked mercilessly on her facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/alyssamarinoabc57?fref=nf.
    Read the comments, actual hateful comments, threats and wishes of death for her.
    Those Gawd loving Christianists are awful, horrible people.
    Maybe some of you can go there and help her out with kind comments.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Who Would Jeebus Threaten?

  • DahBoner

    We like both kinds of music: Country and Western, staying up all night reading the Bible and wear plaid shirts because we’re lumberjacks who like to cut down trees

    We’re STRAIGHT STRAIGHT STRAIGHT

    http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/m-i-r.gif

  • Mehmeisterjr

    ♫ I love you truly, truly dear,
    Life with no pizza, no beer for queer
    Feeds a GoFundMe racketeer
    For I’ll scam you truly, truly dear. ♫

  • Last Hussar

    I absolutely refuse to make a wedding dress for gay weddings, to support wonkettes principled stand. Or something.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I’m sure that hundreds of Nigerian princes are closely studying the conservatard martyr industry, and working out new scams as we speak. For once, I wish them all the success in the world.

  • Hill

    My Comments removed…..speaks volume of how fake is the lefty freedom and “satire”

    • dshwa

      Awwwwww. Butthurt Troll is Butthurt!

    • No, it speaks volumes as to what a dick you are, and how we don’t like playing with you.

      Fuck off.

  • I don’t have a Twitter account, but I would totally post a mean comment, if you allowed comments.

  • E.A. Blair

    You are right to say that death threats are not cool and that no one should ever make them, but schadenfreude is sweet, and I am in full agreement with the following statement:

    “I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.”

    — Clarence Darrow

  • Susie from Philly

    I realize in NYC that the thought of pizza at a gay wedding is unthinkable, but your class bias is showing. Poor people do indeed serve pizza at their wedding receptions, and it kind of irks me that once again, liberal Democrats (who really should know better) are disproving their claim that they’re “the party of working people.” Dems love to shake their heads and say, “How can Those People keep voting against their own interests?” Easy — the other side doesn’t keep making fun of them. I’d much rather win back the House and Senate than indulge myself in tone-deaf snark. But that’s just me.

    • Who is from NYC?

      Or do you just assume coastal elite?

      Whose class bias is showing, again?

    • AntiDerpomeme

      So, you’d rather vote against your own interests because of some perceived butthurt that “liberal elites” are poking fun at a few social, regional differences? Makes perfect sense, yes?

      At least be honest. Do you really care at all about the rights of LBGT individuals and are you willing to be an ally in the face of discrimination? Or would you prefer to find excuses to support openly racist policies?

      • Susie from Philly

        You couldn’t be further from the truth. But that’s okay, you just bask in that warm glow of self-righteousness.

        • AntiDerpomeme

          Says the scold who came here tell off those nasty liberals. Cognitive dissonance much?

    • dshwa

      Awwwww. Concern Troll is Concerned.

      • Susie from Philly

        Yeah, I AM concerned. Concerned that online tribalism takes the place of any real effort to change things. Ridicule is just so easy, any moron can do it — and every moron does.

        • dshwa

          And yet it gives you such an opportunity to climb on your high horse and moral scold the rest of us about your views like you are now. Which is not any different than our supposed crimes.

          • Susie from Philly

            MY crime didn’t create a right-wing martyr who’s pulled in almost a million bucks, thanks to your tactics. See the difference?

          • dshwa

            Neither did mine. They’d have felt just as persecuted by a even a simple and very polite boycott and pulled the same grift regardless. But keep right on with the holier than thou attitude, if it makes you feel better.

    • DrV57

      Right, the GOP won’t make jokes; just talk about how lazy and undeserving the poor are. And cut any program that benefits the poor. Because jokes are sooooo much worse.

    • uniquename72

      Your first sentence was actually pretty good and made a thoughtful point.

      And then you went full retard. Never go full retard.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Gay or straight, Christian or pagan, banning Frozen from your home is always a good idea.

  • Dog Gone

    When you write “tweets that terrify you”, did you mean actually terrify you, or just gay cootie terrify you? If it helps get you oodles of conservative go-fund money, which of course you will have to launder to get the conservative cooties off before depositing it, I’d be happy to do my best, either / or. I just need to know which.

  • actor212

    Snipy was gay?

    *droop*

    Guess I gotta get out of my bunk.

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