Yr Wonkette was pretty impressed by the story of Memories Pizza, the brave little Christian-owned pizzeria in Walkerton, Indiana, which announced it would definitely not cater any gay weddings, no way, not ever. It was a pretty brave stance, considering that there are probably fewer gay weddings featuring pizza than there are sightings of the Loch Ness Monster in Death Valley.
Unfortunately, there’s also a thing called the internet, and so along with the predictable trolling of the pizzeria’s Yelp reviews, lots of tweets expressing outrage, and any number of unlikely plans to stage mass gay kiss-ins at the restaurant, there was also at least one tweet about burning the place to the ground, and according to rightwing pundit Dana Loesch, owners Crystal O’Connor and her father Kevin were “receiving a lot of death threats” and had closed the restaurant, unsure whether they’d ever reopen. Loesch publicized a GoFundMe page to “relieve the financial loss endured by the proprietors’ stand for faith,” and the donations so far just went over half a million dollars.
As we said the first time we wrote about this story:
[The] Very Fucking Idea Of Pizza At A Wedding is so unlikely that we daresay — yes, we dare! — that the O’Connors’ principled opposition to catering gay weddings is naught but a cynical ploy to get publicity.
And half a million bucks in a single day is a pretty good payout, although they were probably just hoping for increased traffic from people coming in to congratulate them on their bravery.
This, by the way, is where we have to emphasize that DEATH THREATS ARE NOT COOL AND NO ONE SHOULD EVER MAKE THEM. That said, we’d also note that another reason Kevin O’Connor told Fox News he’d closed the store was that the restaurant was being inundated with phone orders, and they weren’t sure which calls were real, fake, or possible threats, so much of the problem was also less felonious trolling, which is still bad; don’t do that.
But we’re also impressed by how readily the Family Values crowd will open up their wallets to help the victims of — as rightwing moron Pat Dollard put it — “terrorist attacks” by “gay jihadis” (AKA “the New ISIS”), which to his mind included everything from the death threats (definitely terrible, but not “terrorism”) to the trolling Yelp reviews (which the Department Of Homeland Security’s terrorism manual classifies as “You Have Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me”). Sometimes we think ol’ Pat has a problem with perspective.
Which is why Yr. Wonkette is proud to announce that, due to our sincerely held religious beliefs, we absolutely will not write any dick jokes for gay weddings. Also, if it will help incite some outrage that could get us some of that sweet Traditional Marriage cash, we also want you all to know that for all of our congratulations on her moving on to a new job, we totally fired Snipy because she was gay, and we were worried we’d get gay cooties all over our servers. Also, while we’re keeping Evan, we’re definitely going to give him a lot more side-eye, and we pledge to occasionally steal his lunch from the fridge. We’ve put up “No Subaru Parking” all around the lot at the WonkoPlex, and we’d also ban Toyota Prii except for how the boss owns one. We’ve cancelled our sponsorship of Missoula’s Judy Garland Film Festival in protest of Big Gay, and will now only refer to the Indigo Girls as “Dos Lesbos.” We’re still working on a good slur for Tegan and Sara, and expect to make an inflammatory announcement soon. And did we mention that our Editrix is in a totally straight, no-homo marriage to a straight man, and is knocked up with a straight baby who will never ever be allowed to see Disney’s gay witch propaganda movie Frozen? (That’s right, we just took a rhetorical swing at Wiccans, too!)
Now all we need are a couple of tweets that terrify us and a GoFundMe, and we should be set!