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Rejoice! For the dough is risen!

A Christian-owned pizza shop in Walkerton, Indiana, is reportedly taking a stand against providing pizzas for same-sex weddings, according to a completely straight-faced report from South Bend ABC affiliate WBND.* The owners of Memories Pizza insist they would of course serve any gay couples who came in to eat at the restaurant, but catering a wedding would be right out. It’s refreshing to see people willing to take a principled stand against probably nonexistent threats from Big Gay.

Store owner Crystal O’Connor, surrounded by assorted Christian kitsch, told the teevee station, “We are a Christian establishment.”

“We’re not discriminating against anyone, that’s just our belief and anyone has the right to believe in anything,” says O’Connor.

Yr Wonkette is having a difficult time determining what exactly these folks think goes on at a gay wedding ceremony: an exchange of fine crystal lube cruets, followed by a frenzy of buttsex while Baby Jesus cries in a corner, and then … pizza? Was there a Kids In the Hall sketch about gay men planning out the pizza buffet for their wedding? We bet that Memories Pizza doesn’t even offer pizzas made with imported chevre, for Chrissakes. The barbarians.

To be fair, we’ll confess we don’t know much about the gayman weddings either. We have only been to lesbian weddings ourselves, and all we know is that they seem to end in either a softball game or a Subaru demolition derby, followed by at least two thirds of the guests moving in with each other. We suppose pizza would be a possibility at one of those, assuming the pizzas were made with vegan cheese-substitute substance and gluten-free crust.

All in all, we suspect that the percentage of all weddings — gay or straight — that include pizza on the reception menu may be slightly smaller than the number of Orthodox Jewish weddings featuring cheeseburgers. Indeed, the Very Fucking Idea Of Pizza At A Wedding is so unlikely that we daresay — yes, we dare! — that the O’Connors’ principled opposition to catering gay weddings is naught but a cynical ploy to get publicity. If they announce that they won’t allow Muslims to take target practice at the pizzeria, we’ll know for sure.

If it’s a publicity bid, it might be backfiring — there’s the usual mob of people spamming Yelp with one-star reviews, including at least one that seems to be from someone who’s actually eaten there:

“Even outside of this issue, the pizza and service SUCKS!” a user from Crown Point, Ind. wrote.

Asked for comment, aides to Jesus Christ the Risen Lord issued a statement to Yr Wonkette that if it’s not Chicago deep dish, it isn’t even pizza, get outta here.

*The report was posted to the station’s website at 8:30 on Tuesday, so we’ll assume this isn’t an especially stupid April Fools’ story, although we will of course update if the latter turns out to be the case.

[ABC57 WBND / TPM]

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  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Indiana Pizzas are English Muffins with Velveeta melted on top.

    • stankbait

      OK INDIANA, You understand you disagree with NASCAR, WalMart, and ARKANSAS for Chritsakes!

    • BackDoorMan

      … with ketchup for the sauce. Some cubed Spam if you’re upscale Indiana.

    • Blank Ron

      Though, all snark aside, English muffins make a decent pizza crust if you can be bothered making your own.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    Luzzo’s or GTFO.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    The question is, would they bring Pizza to a wedding where two straight guys were getting married?

    • MrBlobfish

      You’re thinking of Kentucky.

      • Zippy

        only if they’re brothers too

  • dslindc

    Dammit! I so wanted to get married in a small town in Indiana and have a selection of pizza at our reception. I guess I’ll have to go with Doritos and Franzia instead!

    • MsAnthropesMr

      So you’ve been to a small town wedding in Indiana, I take it.

    • JohnBull

      Oooh! Too good for Peter Vella are we?

  • PirateCafe

    Love the title of this article! Bat Out of Hell, baby!

    • PubOption

      There’s another Steinman-derived headline on Wonkville.

  • JohnBull

    Nothing is better on such a momentous occasion than dancing to “Brick House” and “Lady in Red” with a stomach full of pepperoni and gas.

  • Soetoro Marx

    Hold the pepperoni.

  • geoffalnutt

    Yes, yes. There is “a nonexistent” threat from “Big Gay”, however, the threat is very real from Big Lard.

    • SigDeFlyinMonky

      Pizza catered wedding receptions are heartily endorsed by the American Hot Cheese Board.

  • PubOption

    Dok, I assume that there would not be much rejoicing over a St. Louis style thin-crust pizza, even if they are more appropriate for passover.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Can they make me a pizza with a hole in the middle????

    • willi0000000

      pro tip: let the cheese cool!

  • diogenez

    Gay weddings are catered by Pizza Twink® exclusively.

  • Tansy Geek

    I question the quality of pizza made at a place called “Memories”. Is it a combo pizzeria and Hallmark store?
    Also, the surname O’Conner makes my suspicious that the crust is made of potatoes and the only toppings are bacon,leeks and cheese. All of which makes a tasty gallette, but maybe not a good pizza.

    • MrBlobfish

      Gack! Nothing worse then a mid-west pizza.

      • Zippy

        Lou Malnati’s libul!!1!

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Pizzeria Uno libel!

      • JohnBull

        You mean the ones you cut with a fork and knife?

      • DFW_WTF

        Imo’s pizza in St Louis is really great if you’re really drunk.

        • Blank Ron

          I ordered a pizza in St Lou once, back in the mid-80s. I had to explain, VERY carefully, that tomatoes were in fact a quite normal topping to ask for. They eventually raided the salad bar for ’em…

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Midwestern pizza. Baked catsup on white bread dough covered with American cheese. If you’re lucky.

      • nmmagyar

        And cut in squares

    • JohnBull

      It’s Indiana. They chased all the Italians back to Chicago in the ’40s.

  • BeliTsari

    Tell me again, why any sentient homonids would order a fucking pizza in Indiana? Is masochism back in?

  • whatwhomever

    How can this be? I thought the Indiana law was non-discriminatory as per the ramblings of their fine governor.

    • Zippy

      not to mention it doesn’t go into effect until July

  • Slithytoves

    There has to be some sort of business Darwin award for this.

  • Bobo Yeats Druid-Jones VIII

    Notice to all gays in Walkerton, Indiana: if you’re hosting a gay engagement party, please order at least one pizza delivery from Memories Pizza, for the memories, and laughs.

    • one_who_wanders

      Since there were 2,100 people in Walkerton in the most recent census – this will not be a sudden deluge of pizza orders.

  • chicken thief

    Ana Marie Cox has been all over this on the twitter machine – hilarious stuff! See #indianagayweddingpizza

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      I almost feel sorry for that girl. Almost.

      • chicken thief

        ? You have a level of knowledge about the gal far beyond mine. I know two things about her: 1. she used to work for (own?) this site and 2. I think she is pretty hawt.

        • Monsieur_Grumpe

          Sorry, I meant the owner of the Bigot Pizza Parlor Not Anna Marie Cox (swoon)

  • say wha

    “…anyone has the right to believe in anything.” And I believe you are a douche bag, madam.

  • Callyson

    Foodies are having some some fun with this story:

    Robert S. pointed out the obvious on Yelp, writing that “in all my queer life, I’ve never known a gay to cater their wedding with pizza.”

    Carol M. wondered if they had “Gaydar installed at the door,” and whether the O’Connors “ever considered that you may be serving closeted homosexuals.”

    John S. kindly informed the establishment that despite its protestations of religiosity, it was violating a number of Biblical dietary laws.

    But it was Michael N. who figured out what the O’Connors were probably up to. “This is a transparent attempt to fly the Christian martyr ‘mean Gays are calling us bigots’ flag in the hopes that other mouth-breathers in the area will rally to them and their crappy pizza the way Southerners rallied to Chick Fil-A,” he wrote.

    “Deny them the oxygen of your outrage, and their uninspired fare will put them out of business in due course.”

  • Guest

    This pizza needs more sausage!

  • elviouslyqueer

    I’m going to assume that the Memories House Special pie smells like cat vomit and desperation.

  • chicken thief

    Whenever an “extra sausage” pizza is ordered, their radar goes off.

    • River CitySlicker

      I think you meant Gaydar.

      • Blank Ron

        It does fit the joke better, but IME these are the kind of people who have never, ever had functional gaydar. WAY too may false positives.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Also too, your husband “chose to be heterosexual,” eh Crystal? You might just want to have a looooooong chat with him about that, sweetcheeks.

    http://api.ning.com/files/xYJqdhHU2Zf-F4udaK68nxHVUqQoo8D9PuH2mGYQN6T9md6LWAWNOZJ92QWOZUwYJGAzV02irmw9-ODOqAbdX*e4ybkaLvgA/candidfunnyharrystyleshaygurlhayheygirlheyFavim.com447372.jpg

    • Zippy

      check his browser history while you’re at it

  • Callyson

    Also, too:

    Memories Pizza’s Yelp page has been overtaken with homoerotic imagery

    Lots of good stuff in that link…

    http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–Bt57-Ouz–/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_320/yo0e2gm5wxbrocmu45bn.gif

  • Given their step off of the steep side of Bigot Mountain:

    Memories Pizza is unforgettable.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    They just lost the entire gay trailer park population. How can they stay in business?

    • Zippy

      but that trailer park is FABULOUS

      • geoffalnutt

        Oh, please! Airstreams and pink flamingos.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I strongly suspect this is an attempt to drum up some business via martyrdom.

    Ah, Callyson’s post beat me to the meme. This is what I get for having a life outside of Wonkette.

    • JD Mulvey

      In the good old days any self-respecting martyr used to go out and get themselves eaten by lions and other horrifying stuff.

      In today’s era of modern convenience, however, all they need to do is imagine having to make a pizza… and these are people who make pizza all day long.

      Somehow it’s hard to imagine them scoring a lot of Jeebus points for this one.

      • chicken thief

        Never underestimate the level of butthurt and whine from those fuckers.

      • Amy!

        Umm. The guys in this picture are Doing It Wrong.

        First, you need to roll the dough out a little, not square it off in a lump like that. Then you throw it up in the air (so, okay on that, but it won’t work in a dense mass, as noted), but you catch it yourself, not try to get it to spread out on the tented hands of a helper kneeling in front of you.

        I mean, that’s just a completely weird style for pizza dough, you know?

        Also? I don’t think those uniforms are really adequately hygienic. The head covering is good (but the helper doesn’t have any), but then bare hands? Exposed beards? Outdoors? No, no, this is no way to get an A+ health rating for the restaurant!

        They ought to be able to figure this out themselves! Look at the customers, sitting at those (terribly uncomfortable looking) tables, getting more dismayed and annoyed. Your pizza crust style doesn’t work, guys! Customers aren’t happy!

  • Blackest Noobs

    Is this possibly the era of the whiniest white people ever in the history of mankind on this planet?

    Is it not hilarious as hell how often these White Christians complains so much about pretty much everything when honestly they are the ones who should be the least to complain?

    No one is persecuting them even though they’re paranoid as hell that a “Black” president gonna take their guns away and then after that come after them. like honestly, when did white people become such cowards?

    As for this pizza joint, I would shut my big fat mouth if i still wanted a business to have a chance to profit. Running a restaurant is bad enough, most fail even if they ( and I doubt this place serves the best pizza ever given they only had 2 yelp reviews before announcing how they would willingly discriminate) got the bestest food ever….i’ve seen it happen too often too.

    you shouldnt give a shit who the customer is, just as long as the customer wants your service and is willing to pay with greenbacks or use their credit cards.

    • AnOuthouse

      “whiniest white people ever ”
      Isn’t that one of the signs of the end times?

    • docterry6973

      Wonkette will take money even from me, so Editrix certainly isn’t too fussy.

  • chicken thief

    Walkerton has 2,144 people, one of which apparently claims to be blah. I’ll bet Crystal a blow job that they have never ever, ever ever, been asked to cater pizzas for a gay wedding.

  • OrdinaryJoe
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Just need some wafers and wine and we’re in business!

    • noen

      Pizzajeebuzzz has quite the schnoz on him doesn’t he.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Yep, he does look a bit jewy, oops sorry, chewy.

    • Zippy

      It’s got the crust that rises after three days

    • WIDTAP

      What is George Harrison doing in a pizza?

    • chicken thief

      Tastes best after being nailed to a cross for a few hours.

    • BackDoorMan

      … I dunno… looks a little Charlie Manson-ish to me.

  • Spotts1701

    Well they’re right off South Bend – so can I blame the Catholics?

  • JD Mulvey

    I have never once gotten decent food at any restaurant festooned with Jesus bricabrac. Not ionce.

    • malsperanza

      Maurice Bessinger’s Piggy Park, Columbia SC: excellent mustard-based BBQ and a rack of tracts on every table.

      • JD Mulvey

        See that’s my problem right there: I tend to avoid going near South Carolina.

        • malsperanza

          Me too. And Columbia is an armpit. But if you should ever find yourself trapped there, the BBQ is spectacular.

      • Blank Ron

        If they’re Chick tracts, I will make a special effort to visit. I do enjoy humourous reading material with my BBQ.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Problem with those Jesus meals, they get out of hand: somebody gets butt hurt and walks away from the table, makes a commotion and the police show up, pretty soon the guest of honor is being carted off to face the local magistrate and then before you know it the whole thing turns into a big deal and the government is making a capital case out of a late supper.

      • Zippy

        and next thing you know, someone has stolen the chalice

  • Zippy

    Is it considered appropriate to tip Jesus?

    • Seriously

      No, not really. Haven’t you heard of all those “Christians” who screww their servers out of tips and instead leave a wooden chip with their local church inscribed in it? On the other side it says: “This is the best tip you’ll ever receive.” Fuck these people.

      • chicken thief

        That along with the ‘read the Bible every day and clean your plate after every meal’ tip.

    • Wonkaholic

      Yes, but only if he miraculously gets it there in 30 minutes or less.

      • Zippy

        last time he got there quick, but instead of pizza he showed up with fishes and loaves

        • sw19womble

          Hey that’s “artisan anchovy pizza” to you, buddy!

          • Blank Ron

            You get all my upfists today!

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Probably just not change, it falls right through his stigmata holes.

  • What. A. Great. Headline.

  • Joshua Norton

    They’re obviously basing their fine dining knowledge on “My Name is Earl” reruns. Does their wedding package include unlimited trips to the soda machine?

  • Their sign says “We Deliver”…would they deliver to a spur of the moment Village People cosplay party?

    “Great…30 minutes! A, uh…sailor will meet you at the door.”

  • Randy Riddle

    Damn. Now I’ll have to get Chinese take-out for the reception.

    • “The Slice of Christ”
      “Amen”
      ~

      • John

        So, if you had a bad experience are you supposed to convert?

    • WIDTAP

      At least you used a coupon.

    • AnOuthouse

      So that’s what they mean by a Christian establishment.

  • LarryHoudini

    What’s galling to me is the people who would boycott this nice Christian Pizzeria would never think to boycott a Falafel Hut in Oman, even though they practice Sharia law there. I think.
    Liberal hypocrites!!!!!

    • herp le derp

    • ez

      Hannity And D’Souza Ask Why Gays Are Mad At Indiana But Silent On Sharia Law?
      http://crooksandliars.com/2015/04/hannity-and-dsouza-ask-why-gays-mad

      It’s amazing that it is so fucking predictable.

      • Well, if we can control laws in our own country without using bombs, that saves bombs for changing laws in OTHER countries!

    • Seriously

      Right, because the Christian version of Sharia Law is soooo much better. And btw, how in the world do you know what I do when I take my yearly vacations in Oman?

    • JohnBull

      Aren’t you the people who say only traitors have passports? Not that the label has any effect anymore.

    • AnOuthouse

      Falafel Hut is for tourists.

      • Zippy

        and Bill O’Reilly

        • NellCote71

          ISWYDT.

        • Gleem-McShinez

          I think his Falafel Hut is in Onan.

    • LarryHoudini

      Note to self: make satirical comments more obviously satirical; maybe add a “1” to exclamation marks.

      • bobbert

        There’s really nothing you can do.

      • Joshua Norton

        Poe’s Law!

      • Zippy

        I got it, even if no one else did

    • david green

      Well, I certainly have principals and will never eat at a Falafel Hut in Oman. (Note to self: Where the hell is Oman?)

  • Blackest Noobs

    so according to the Yelp, the restaurant that refuses to cater their shitty pissas at gay weddings is closed today.

    Is April’s Fool a holiday for pizza restaurants?

    certainly all this backlash shouldn’t keep you from being open today, i mean if i owned a business, and i was as deluded as this owner with her beliefs, i would stand by my convictions ( no matter how wrong they are) and open my restaurant, cuz, as anyone in the restaurant biz knows, YOU NEED THE MONEY!!!!

    • Everyone was calling in COD orders to Big Gay Al’s house.

    • chicken thief

      Oh, shit, prepare to crank the “the homo luvers trampled my christian rights” whine machine up to eleventy.

    • nmmagyar

      Maybe they’re closed on Wednesdays so no homos watching Modern Family can order in?

      • Blackest Noobs

        well according to Memories Pizza they would conduct business with those shut-in gays on Modern Family Wednesdays; now if those same shut-in gays were also have a wedding and wanted them to cater it with pizza, then no, Memories Pizza cannot do that cuz Bible said you may serve/deliver pizza to the homosexual but you most definitely cannot cater their gay weddings.

  • Mormos

    “We’re not discriminating against anyone, that’s just our belief and anyone has the right to believe in anything,”

    What the Actual Fuck? I blame our crumbling educational system.

    • Zippy

      We’re not discriminating against anyone when we turn away customers and discriminate against them

    • Blank Ron

      People can believe any crazy-ass thing they like. The problem comes when they insist that I have to believe them too.

  • Blackest Noobs

    though ironically they definitely got the name of their restaurant right, it will be a long gone memory soon.

  • They had two Yelp reviews in something like 10 years. The place
    is called Memories Pizza because no one can remember when anyone ate
    there.

    This might be part of their cunning plan. While the rest of folks who aren’t bone crushingly ignorant are ignoring this, I’m betting a bunch of fellow travelers are seeing pizza dinner in the future. They’ll visit at least once. Especially when the owners cash in their valuable Martyr Persecution Coupons.

    1. Bigotry
    2. Martyrdom
    3. ???
    4. Profit!

    • beatbort

      Apparently the pizza has that effect on the customers. It gives them temporary amnesia so they can’t recall just how awful the food was.

      • Oh, right. “Amnesia of the Gods,” I remember reading about it somewhere.
        ~

        • Zippy

          if you really had read it, you wouldn’t remember

          • chicken thief

            Read about what?

          • sw19womble

            I’m sorry, what is this place called, again?

        • geoffalnutt

          Ah, yes! Milk of Amnesia! Goes great with yer pizza…and after, too.

      • Blank Ron

        I believe it’s known as ‘shock anaesthesia’

    • AnOuthouse

      Somebody thought their ‘beef’ was ‘fabulous’.

  • beatbort

    Is it any coincidence that the tire shop next door just announced that they would not recap any tires of any car that was parked outside a building where a gay wedding was taking place?
    These are incredibly brave, patriotic people.

    • Blank Ron

      It’s 2015. Who the hell (besides cheap-ass LD truck drivers) recaps tires any more?

  • Seriously

    One of the best weddings I ever went to served pizza. The actual dinner happened around 7, steak etc. Then around midnight after we’d all been dancing our asses off and were totally wasted they served up pizza to soak up all the booze and because we were all kind of hungry again. It was awesome.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      What music did you dance to? The Village People??

      • Not Willage People. We were too busy looking for the nuclear wessels.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          They’re over in Alameda.

    • AnOuthouse

      This does seem to be a thing lately. I attended two weddings last summer and both brought out the junk food at about midnight.

      • jmk

        Years ago, I went to a wedding in the French countryside – held in a converted barn – in which the table was set with four bottles of very good wine between each pair of guests, where we ate delicious high-end food from one of the best restaurants around for the formal dinner. We then danced like maniacs until about 5 am, when the family served gallons of garlic soup and bread to sober up and feed the farmers who attended so they could head home and do their milking.
        It was awesome.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    Re: the illustration– That looks like the pizza guy in my college town who would deliver a bag of weed if you ask for “extra oregano.”

  • WIDTAP

    “They seem to end in either a softball game or a Subaru demolition derby”

    To be fair, most religious services seem to end with a demolition derby out of the parking lot as well.

    • willi0000000

      it’s fun when trying to cross town just as the churches let out . . . they all hire a cop to stop traffic and let ‘the saved’ out of the parking lot . . . they even make you wait for the slowpokes . . . because they’re almost to the driveway.

  • Metadude

    Can ya get fried bologna on it?

    • chicken thief

      Of course. But apparently not tube steak.

    • handyhippie65

      that’s southern indiana. i live in the north, and never heard of frying bologna ’till i lived in kentucky. biscuits and fried baloney gravy. breakfast of holler dwellers everwhore!

  • JustPixelz

    This is like an episode of Chopped. “Our theme is wedding reception. Your mystery basket ingredients are pizza dough, pizza sauce, mozzarella and pepperoni. You have 30 minutes. Time starts now.”

    • jmk

      And Ted never gets to taste the final dishes.

  • janecita

    Memories pizza is the preferred catering establishment for trashy weddings in Indiana.

    • Blank Ron

      Pretty sure it’s his sister there who got all the looks in the family.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Memories…of having a business.

    • MrBlobfish

      I get the feeling their customers support them in their little crusade.

  • Wild Cat

    Huh? I thought Papa John made the healthcare-free pizza for Jesus!

    • david green

      Apparently not uncommon anywhere. My boss had never seen one, and she was born in CA and middle-aged. Never mind how that topic came up at break time.

  • CitizenSugarKane

    (All credit for this post goes to whomever posted it at Daily Kos. It’s been slightly edited for typos.)

    To Christians Who Really Care about doing God’s Work and Following THE WORD!! This is what we should all post in front of our businesses, regardless of what man’s earthly law says:

    Due to my sincerely held religious beliefs, I will no longer be doing business with the following persons; nor permitting them in my establishment:

    1. Divorcees (Adulterers). Matthew 19:9: “And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another, commits adultery.”

    2. Anyone who has ever read a horoscope or called a psychic hotline.

    Leviticus 20:6: “As for the person who turns to mediums and to spiritualists, to play the harlot after them, I will also set my face against that person and will cut him off from among his people.”

    3. Anyone with a tattoo.

    Leviticus 19:28 “You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.”

    4. Anyone born illegitimately. Also, anyone who, back ten generations, is descended from someone born illegitimately. If you cannot PROVE, using appropriate church sources, that ten generations of
    your family were born in wedlock, I will have to err on the side of caution and not serve you.

    Deuteronomy 23:2 “No one of illegitimate birth shall enter the assembly of the LORD; none of his descendants, even to the tenth generation, shall enter the assembly of the LORD.”

    5. Anyone who makes a practice of praying aloud, or in public.

    Matthew 6:5-6 “When you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your
    door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.”

    6. Any woman with braided hair or gold jewelry. Just to be on the safe side, NO jewelry at all.

    1 Timothy 2:9 “Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”

    7. Any man who has ever, by accident or not, had his genitals damaged. (Current interpretation of this scripture is under debate, so just to be safe, if you’ve had a vasectomy, or testicular cancer, I
    can’t serve you. I apologize for the inconvenience, but I’m worried for my soul.)

    Deuteronomy 23:1 “A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord.”

    8. Please don’t bring your kids in if they have a bowl cut.

    Leviticus 19:27: “You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.”

    For those of you complaining that some of these scriptures are from the Old Testament, and that Jesus came to redeem us from these laws, I refer you to Matthew 5:17-19, where Our Savior himself says:

    17: “Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill.

    18: “For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished.

    19: “Whoever then annuls one of the least of these commandments, and teaches others to do the same, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but whoever keeps and teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven”

    Again, I am sorry for the inconvenience. It’s nothing personal, “love the sinner but hate the sin,” and all, but I simply can’t serve anyone who would blatantly disregard God’s sacred law in such a
    fashion.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Uh, quick question. Does number 7 apply to circumcisions? Great way to keep Jews out of your place and still be all about freedom.

      • handyhippie65

        the good doctor kellogg had a large influence on this state. not many guys born in a hospital here who still has a hoodie. i know females who never saw one.

    • We need a modern Martin Luther to hammer that on the restaurant door.

    • AnOuthouse

      Anything about meth habits or the presence of teeth?

    • sw19womble

      Hmmm…so, you tolerate people wearing mixed fibres, eh?

  • malsperanza

    “We’re not discriminating against anyone,
    that’s just our belief and anyone has the right to believe in anything,”
    says O’Connor.

    If you believe something really really sincerely, and you are a Christian, the sincerity and the tasty Christian coating automatically de-bigotify you. I’m not making this up–it’s in the Bible: the Gospel Acccording to Peter Pan.

    • Zippy

      tasty Christian coating

      it’s like Shake ‘N Bake for homophobes

      • chicken thief

        I love the old commercials with that little girl drawling “it’s Shake ‘n Bake, an’ Ah hey-elped!”

        • BackDoorMan

          … are we completely sure that little girl wasn’t Paula Deen as a yung’un?

  • “that’s just our belief and anyone has the right to believe in anything,”

    That’s right, you do have the right to believe in anything. But here’s a nuance that’s lost on you, you ignorant twit. No one cares what you believe. People only care how you act.

    • willi0000000

      unfortunately a large part of the US population does care what you believe.

      [. . . they just don’t care how you act toward ‘others’]

  • AnOuthouse

    What about rehearsal dinners? Are there special Christian rules governing those? (other than mixing fibers and no seafood)?

    • CitizenSugarKane

      After practicing for months with a knife, fork and spoon, I finally quit rehearsing dinner and just went for it!

      • Zippy

        “Would you like to have dinner someday?”

        “I’d like to have dinner every day”

        *rimshot*

      • BackDoorMan

        … if one were to take a cue from my dog, cutlery is completely unnecessary when you want to get your feed on. Sure, you might have to use your paws from time to time for the food that somehow just escapes the dish… but it’s all good.

    • sw19womble

      What about a couple who just got engaged?
      Or moved in with each other?
      I mean, if you’re going to have principles..

      • mailman27

        Or previously married? Ruh-roh.

    • Wild Cat

      How do they get seafood in Indiana? Mrs Paul just ran off Mrs Buttersworth…

  • AnOuthouse

    I’m sorry but these people are too stupid to have any beliefs. They’ve been told to hate the gays and that’s what they regurgitate. “No brain cell energy was expended during this interview”.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I know this is not the discussion. But I wouldn’t want my wedding (gay or straight) catered by Christians.

    • Wm. S. Burroughs said it best: “When dealing with a religious son-of-a-bitch, GET IT IN WRITING.”

    • handyhippie65

      there are a lot of businesses with crosses in the logo, or a jeebusfish on the sign here in indiana. they be proud of their crazy crap. and obviously have no problem forcing their crazy crap upon others.

      • Wombat

        IME, the presence of a fish on business stationery generally means “I will cheat you six ways from Sunday, so be prepared.”

        Except my house painter. That guy rocks. Or would, if it weren’t sinful.

        • Blank Ron

          Is that similar to the way you can spot really bad drivers by the Jesusfish glued to their trunk lids?

  • malsperanza

    This isn’t even Real Indiana (TM): it’s part of the greater Chicago down-and-out exurban landscape of closed steel mills, former farmland, and general joblessness. Given the proximity to South Bend, Michigan City, and Gary, I expect the Pizzaria’s real problem is how to avoid selling pizzas to black people.

  • Since they say they would not refuse to serve gay couples coming in for a ‘za, if I were in that area, I’d make that place the gayest hangout in Indiana, virally, literally, figuratively.

    • That would be pretty funny.

    • Logic of Color

      Define “virally” because ew (potentially).

      • I mean, as a straight guy, I’d get a friend to accompany me, and we’d be FLAMING, and shoot video of the interaction, and encourage others to follow suit.

        • Blank Ron

          Ooh, I would so love to be part of that. My kids can tell you, I can camp it up with the best of ’em, girlFRIEND!

    • I don’t always tweet, but when I do, #MakeMemoriesGay .

  • RumAddled

    I like my Stromboli stuffed with bigot and onion.

  • mickey g

    O’Connor’s Pizza ? Aw, c’mon now !

    • Blank Ron

      Sure, an’ it’s just like me mama mia made, in her little hovel south of Kilkenny, begorrah!

  • weejee

    I’d wonder if the pizzeria was shill for Dominos’ given their schmuck founder is a suck a serious dick no matter in what language. However it seems Dominos’ has moved on in many ways. Fancy that, and yea Dominos. However, Tommy Monaghan is still a misogynist asshat.

    • david green

      So their pizza is no longer cardboard with ketchup smeared on it?

  • Wonkaholic

    After all, it was Jesus who said, “Render unto Little Ceasar’s that which is his”. Or something like that.

    • bikerlaureate

      Anno Domino en Patris.

  • Manhattan123

    What is it about the pizza business that seems to attract right wing cretins? From Herman Cain to the Papa John’s guy to the anti-choice nut-job founder of Domino’s to these hillbillies? Is there something in the mozzarella? Also, ALL of those pizza’s suck. (I’ve never had this local one, but I’m willing to wager it does.)

    • sw19womble

      Any fucking idiot can cook a pizza.

      • AntiDerpomeme

        Fer shur, but it does take a tiny bit of talent to do it well (not that the hoverround set would know good from bad).

        • Blank Ron

          Good pizza requires love, something the wingnuts seem incapable of.

  • John

    Hmmmm….Jesus….Pizza…..Hmmmmm….Something seems askew….

  • laineypc

    Pizza is not allowed at weddings.

  • docterry6973

    If these pizza people understood the difference between ‘belief’ and ‘action’ they might get it. If they care, which I doubt.

  • handyhippie65

    walkerton is so podunk, this will probably be good for business.

  • Schmegeg

    However, they are booked through 2021 for Rehearsal Dinners.

  • Rickyphoo

    Seriously, what self respecting gay couple would have a pizza joint cater their wedding?

    • timpundit

      Only kinda in irony and with an upscale boutique pizza specially flown in from Rome. I can sorta see that. But, certainly not in Indiana.

      • BackDoorMan

        … that’s what I was thinking… perhaps a custom brick-lined, wood-fired pizza oven installation with a gourmet ingredient buffet of toppings, and a selection of different hand-prepared dough recipes… everyone gets to be an artisan chef! However, I don’t think this Memories joint would be quite up to the task. No matter how much Teh Gheys lower their standards.

        • timpundit

          Ya know that’s a mighty fine idea . If I ever get married (I won’t) I’ll consider that theme.

          • Blank Ron

            I can see the g/f going for this when we finally figure out when we’re making it legal. She’s a great cook, and I have all this spare brick…

    • You never know about the fargin’ corksoakers in Indiana.

  • Ellis_Weiner

    Okay, first (after 151 earlier comments) “The Power of Crust Compels Them” = gold star on your chart.

    • doktorzoom

      It was that, or “What A Friend We Have In Cheeses”

      • willi0000000

        may i assume that you celebrate ‘the birth of cheeses’ in December?

        • Blank Ron

          I’m trying to work this subthread into something about having garlic bread at the Last Supper…

      • Ellis_Weiner

        It would take a decision of Solomonic wisdom to choose between the two. (So use the other one tomorrow for the followup.)

  • Logic of Color

    Order 20 pizzas, give the address, see what happens when they’re standing there at the door with $400 of merch and realize they’re at a gay wedding.

    • Tio_Doidinho

      Nude gay wedding, if you please.

  • Mavenmaven

    Dude at 2:20 is totally gay.

  • Tio_Doidinho

    These poor people. Those Yelp reviews.

    How could they POSSIBLY know the sheer number of gay porn flics that use pizza delivery as a plot device?

    • laineypc

      They have plots?

      • BackDoorMan

        … I’ve heard that if you *don’t* fast forward to the naughty bits, there is something going on by way of a set-up… but really, who doesn’t fast forward? There may even be dialogue and music, if you don’t hit the mute button… I’m not sure.

  • hornheat

    Did the Wonkette writers have hair-pulling slap fights to decide who was going to write about this? Just curious.

  • Ellis_Weiner

    Wait a minute–“I’m Brian Dorman” and “I’m Colleen Bormann”? Is this a gag? Kind of an April Fool’s deal?

  • MrBlobfish

    It’s not delivery. It’s DiJesus.

  • JParkerSD46

    C’mon people. Lighten up. These wonderful pizza people are just living by the words of their lord and saviour Jesus H. Christ, who said “Love only those you want”, “Do unto others whatever the hell you want”, “Don’t feed the hungry, shelter the homeless for they are just the useless takers.” Yeah, that’s what he said.

  • shastakoala

    To be fair, making pizza on itty bitty wafers does take some talent.

    • willi0000000

      you noticed that too?

      [i always thought the reception was catered]

  • Mehmeisterjr

    You’ve got to be careful on April 1 but assuming this story is legit (and hey, Indiana, it’s not unpossible), I still doubt that even Mr. and Mrs. Pizza J. Hutt had pizza catered to their wedding.

  • Bitter Scribe

    “The Power of Crust Compels Them”

    Best. Kicker. Ever.

    Also, thanks for the shout-out to deep-dish pizza. I get so sick of people outside of Chicago bashing that stuff. Crap on 16-inch softball and garden-salad hot dogs all you want, but leave our pizza alone.

    • willi0000000

      had to goog “16-inch softball” . . . was afraid it referred to diameter.

  • teddy21

    Those poor dumb fucks probably wouldn’t have ever been asked to cater a gay wedding. So glad I chose to be gay.

    • jmk

      I have to wonder what tipped the scale for dad when he “chose to be heterosexual.”

  • Capt.Jim

    Like any respectful dick licker would eat a gawd damn pizza

  • Dylan Black

    Sadly my bigotry towards Chicago style “pizza” might be even more intense than Ms. O’Connors towards gay people.

  • Slinger

    Would Cheesus Christ turn away this pizza ?

    • Blank Ron

      Of course he would. The pepperoni is touching the cheese. Totally treyf.

  • diogenez

    Kudos to MP for their biblical adherence to the laws of Moses. I hope
    they are just as strict on the laws forbidding touching pig flesh,
    mixing meat and dairy, eating shrimp,
    wearing mixed fibers, and of course working on the sabbath – the last
    one being an especially grievous offense to God.

  • Gorillionaire

    I just want to say that the Jesus “He delivers” pizza illustration is beautiful.

  • chascates

    I wish all these rubes would prominently display the ‘fish’ symbol on the entrance to their businesses so I would know to take my trade elsewhere.

    • Blank Ron

      Mmm, yeah, it’s as if they aren’t proud of their Big-Beard-In-The-Sky-derived bigotry…

  • Virginia Dreaming

    Does their pizza come with a “He is Risen Crust?”

  • Wombat

    “If they announce that they won’t allow Muslims to take target practice at the pizzeria, we’ll know for sure.”

    Well, they did announce that they ALSO won’t cater non-Christian weddings, so there’s that. I imagine they would be super shocked to learn that, while discriminating against Teh Ghey is just peachy in Indiana, the Hoosier state does tend to frown on religious discrimination (even against people who have the bad taste not to be evangelicals. I KNOW.).

  • NotALiar

    I live in Indiana. Most of the weddings I’ve been to have had taco/nacho bars. Yup.

    • Virginia Dreaming

      My brother’s wedding was very formal, but the reception was a beach barbeque with a keg and lots of Jack Daniels. One of the best parts was watching my oldest brother (not the groom) who is very elitist and “christian” get too drunk and disappear down the beach with a biker chick, then try to sneak back and deny anything happened, until she came back and grabbed his ass. Good Times!

  • shaar dula

    on an average america does not belong in modern world. the sundry emancipations, reformations, revolutions, etc etc, in rest of the civilized world and all the pivotal events that have led mankind to modernity have near zero bearing on our national psyche on an average.

    if not for the natural resources in this blessed land, including the poured intellect of deviants and immigrants, and the derived riches thereon, america would be indistinguishable from nigeria, burundi or philippines.

    really have to wonder, should america even be considered in the commity of civilized nations?

    • rayy

      What is your primary language? Your English obvs. needs some work.

      • shaar dula

        primary language is mute. the missus speaks for the both of us in real life. so barely have anything worthwhile to say.

        barla saar?

  • Enfant Terrible

    So do these folks also refuse service to couples who are remarried, or who are not married and living together, or who are married but not to each other?

    • ViveLaRes

      And what about somebody who ate lobster that one time? Can they get a slice?

      • willi0000000

        i’m safe there.

        [i don’t eat those big red spiders]

        • Blank Ron

          Mmm, arthropod…

    • Zippy

      Funny thing that. The owner is divorced

  • TootsStansbury

    Does not a civil union consist of certain tax, insurance, medical decision making, among other things? Does God come into it at all? No.

    What’s the fucking big deal god botherers? Let’s set aside the fact that you’re going to turn away money due to hate. How fucking stupid is that? You want to be allowed to discriminate? Fine. Give up your public license. Speak from your money hole cousin fuckers.

  • willi0000000

    i might trust that jeebus kid to deliver a pizza . . . but not to make one.

    [kid was a carpenter . . . probably uses cedar cheese in everything]

    • Steverino247

      He’s moonlighting, dude!

    • Zippy

      but I bet the wine is to die for…

  • mfp

    gay wedding…hoosier wedding…hmmmm, lemme think…which one would be the most likely to serve pizza????

  • Me not sure

    ” Take, eat for this is my pepperoni which is given for thee… ” (plus free crazy bread!)

    • Me not sure

      See!

      • BackDoorMan

        … in that pic, it looks to me that the bunch on the left are saying… “eww! WTF is that? Jesus!”… while the bunch on the right are saying… “seriously! are you kidding me? yeah, I know, right?”… while the guy in the middle is thinking… “well, I did say this would be the *last* supper”.

        • Me not sure

          Then Jesus sayeth, “if ya don’t like pizza I can always do ya a fish sandwich.”

          • BackDoorMan

            … “hope y’all like anchovies! Sure they stink like they’ve been dead for three days, but your gonna learn to love ’em – just like me!” – Jesus addeth.

          • Me not sure

            “Hey boss, this Pepsi tastes just like blood.”
            Judas

          • BackDoorMan

            … “yeah, well, for 30 pieces of silver, what did you expect? ”
            – Jebus

      • “Eww! Judas spat out his olive stones on my slice!”

        • Me not sure

          “That’s how he gets attention. Just ignore him.”

  • mariana trench

    Non-believers could discriminate against these sanctimonious snobs, and bar Christians from a non-believer’s establishment, no? Assuming we could, this needs to be brought out too.

  • Guest

    Gays munching pizzas at weddings instead of French Nouvelle Cuisine? What is the world coming to! Come on people, at very least use the organic co-op caterer! It will match wonderfully with the brides hiking boots.

  • Zippy

    Looks like the place has closed its doors- at least temporarily. Of course, they’ll just go on the wingnut welfare circuit- probably be regulars on Hannity and have someone start a GoFundMe for them. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if that was their plan all along- couldn’t cut it making crappy pizza, so say something stupid and bigoted and play the martyr card. Xtians are suckers for that particular grift- they can’t wait to throw money at one of their own who is being “persecuted” by the mean old gheys/feminazis/libtards/atheists/fill in the blank.

    • BackDoorMan

      … I would be happy to start a GoFungulaYou page. We could call it a kick-in-the-ass starter program. You can tell it’s legit because italian.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    If they really want to avoid serving sinners and hypocrites, they should announce that they will not serve any politicians. Especially the politicians who passed this law.

    • DahBoner
    • Blank Ron

      If they actually wanted to avoid serving sinners and hypocrites, they’d have to stop calling themselves Christians, wouldn’t they?

      Matthew 9:10 – Then it happened that as Jesus was reclining at the table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were dining with Jesus and His disciples.

      “So who ordered the Hawaiian?”

  • DahBoner

    WPWJE

    What Pizza would Jesus eat?

    Falafel, hummus, gefelta fish and NO SHRIMP!!!

    https://40.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lt8tr3w5r11qzwcr9o1_400.jpg

    • Blank Ron

      I need an expert opinion: does the presence of gefilte fish mean you have to put the cheese on a second pizza?

  • Akira Bear

    Her cuticles are a mortal sin.

  • Squirrels05

    The ploy worked: right wingers are sending this pizza joint coin.

  • Karen Schmidt

    What are the chances that a gay couple would want pizza at their wedding reception???

    • Blank Ron

      Among my gay friends? Better than even.

  • mfp

    original, pan, hand-tossed, or thin christ?

  • sillyclucker

    Check out Gofundme. They have raised $45,000 so far for their “persecution” .

    • Blank Ron

      Anyone care to bet whether even one dollar of that will be going into better ingredients?

    • handyhippie65

      ain’t that a bitch. i oughta start a gofundme to help with my feel bads over the stress of living in indiana. oh wait, i have a conscience, and think it would be wrong to ax for moniez from ijits, even if they will give it to me. damn cricket!

  • devo-T

    “All in all, we suspect that the percentage of all weddings — gay or straight — that include pizza on the reception menu may be slightly smaller than the number of Orthodox Jewish weddings featuring cheeseburgers.”

    Nominee: Funniest Blog Post Content, 2015.

    • MrCanoehead

      Bacon-cheeseburgers.

      • devo-T

        Dammit, now I gotta to vet some places and see how many of Moses’ laws they’re willing to break. Because yum.

  • handyhippie65

    as of 9:30 am. the indiana lege has preempted tv, and says that the law is fixed. we shall see.

  • Blank Ron

    When the ex and I were married, there was a very formal and very dull reception at her father’s extremely conservative club in downtown Toronto. Though there was an open bar, after a fashion, so it was at least tolerable.
    Then we hopped in the Camaro ragtop and beat feet to our house in the suburbs where the REAL reception was. Big crowd of friends, no suits, and cases of beer and so many homemade pizzas the oven never had a chance to cool down. (I cook a MEAN pizza.)
    And if I’d been getting ghey-married it would have been the same. Though probably we wouldn’t have gone to the York Club first…

  • VirginiaLady

    They are closed at the moment. The mean people on Yelp scared them. They have a great out if they would say it really WAS an April fool’s prank, but then their one or two customers would be sad. Oh what a no win situation gay wedding pizza has caused.

  • devo-T

    Someone bought up the domain memoriespizza.com and put a few helpful things on there. It seems to be showing up already in Google search, as well. The most fabulous thing about their new site, though, is the pizza photo that gets linked when you share the domain on Facebook. Not sure how to show it here, but it’s worth trying on FB just for the laugh.

  • TundraGrifter

    Too bad their skin is thinner than their crust.

  • Rabbit_Rebozo

    All in all, we suspect that the percentage of all weddings — gay or straight — that include pizza on the reception menu may be slightly smaller than the number of Orthodox Jewish weddings featuring cheeseburgers.

    We had a pizza wedding. Although the wedding wasn’t gay, one of us was. Marriage didn’t last. I blame the pizza.

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