A Christian-owned pizza shop in Walkerton, Indiana, is reportedly taking a stand against providing pizzas for same-sex weddings, according to a completely straight-faced report from South Bend ABC affiliate WBND.* The owners of Memories Pizza insist they would of course serve any gay couples who came in to eat at the restaurant, but catering a wedding would be right out. It’s refreshing to see people willing to take a principled stand against probably nonexistent threats from Big Gay.
Store owner Crystal O’Connor, surrounded by assorted Christian kitsch, told the teevee station, “We are a Christian establishment.”
“We’re not discriminating against anyone, that’s just our belief and anyone has the right to believe in anything,” says O’Connor.
Yr Wonkette is having a difficult time determining what exactly these folks think goes on at a gay wedding ceremony: an exchange of fine crystal lube cruets, followed by a frenzy of buttsex while Baby Jesus cries in a corner, and then … pizza? Was there a Kids In the Hall sketch about gay men planning out the pizza buffet for their wedding? We bet that Memories Pizza doesn’t even offer pizzas made with imported chevre, for Chrissakes. The barbarians.
To be fair, we’ll confess we don’t know much about the gayman weddings either. We have only been to lesbian weddings ourselves, and all we know is that they seem to end in either a softball game or a Subaru demolition derby, followed by at least two thirds of the guests moving in with each other. We suppose pizza would be a possibility at one of those, assuming the pizzas were made with vegan cheese-substitute substance and gluten-free crust.
All in all, we suspect that the percentage of all weddings — gay or straight — that include pizza on the reception menu may be slightly smaller than the number of Orthodox Jewish weddings featuring cheeseburgers. Indeed, the Very Fucking Idea Of Pizza At A Wedding is so unlikely that we daresay — yes, we dare! — that the O’Connors’ principled opposition to catering gay weddings is naught but a cynical ploy to get publicity. If they announce that they won’t allow Muslims to take target practice at the pizzeria, we’ll know for sure.
If it’s a publicity bid, it might be backfiring — there’s the usual mob of people spamming Yelp with one-star reviews, including at least one that seems to be from someone who’s actually eaten there:
“Even outside of this issue, the pizza and service SUCKS!” a user from Crown Point, Ind. wrote.
Asked for comment, aides to Jesus Christ the Risen Lord issued a statement to Yr Wonkette that if it’s not Chicago deep dish, it isn’t even pizza, get outta here.
*The report was posted to the station’s website at 8:30 on Tuesday, so we’ll assume this isn’t an especially stupid April Fools’ story, although we will of course update if the latter turns out to be the case.