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Bill O’Reilly “wrote” a “book” about killing Jesus — it is cleverly called Killing Jesus — and someone thought it would be a good idea to turn it into a teevee movie, because no one has ever made a Jesus snuff flick before.

On Monday, O’Reilly giddily reported that the movie was “the most watched program ever on the National Geographic channel.” That right there ought to prove O’Reilly’s god-given genius. But of course some liberals refuse to praise O’Reilly for his fine scholarly work. The fact that millions of people tuned in to watch the the horror show is, according to O’Reilly, “very bad news for the secular progressive movement, which sees Christian expositions as a threat to their political agenda.”

He is so right. All us godless liberals received our George Soros talking points on our Obamaphones, telling us our war on Christianity is in grave danger, thanks to the spectacular success of O’Reilly’s fanfic. And why is that? O’Reilly knows:

Opposition to abortion, gay marriage, legalized narcotics, and libertine behavior in general often comes from faith-based organizations and citizens. So any embrace of Christian tradition is a danger to the agenda of the left.

Well, sure. Because Jesus hated homos, whores, and reefer — the very things liberals love most. And O’Reilly has indisputable evidence: all the articles from liberal commie rags criticizing the MOST POPULAR PROGRAM EVER (on National Geographic), based on THE MOST BESTEST BOOK EVER (written by God’s hand-picked tool, Bill O’Reilly).

“The far-left Guardian,” O’Reilly says, “is a good example.” Just look at this secular liberal propaganda smear job from The Guardian, as read by Bill O’Reilly:

These specials usually put O’Reilly’s patented conservative slant on retellings of history, something that wouldn’t really sit well with Christians. The book Killing Jesus fell into this trap, presenting salacious detail about Christ’s death and a Tea Party version of the son of God.

O’Reilly cites other far-left publications, like the Boston Globe, which inaccurately viewed the movie through its “uber leftwing prism,” instead of appreciating O’Reilly’s factual version of the life and death of Jesus. And while O’Reilly absolutely respects the right of critics to disagree, those “phony critiques” that do not praise Killing Jesus are obviously wrong and “designed to promote ideology above all.” Unlike O’Reilly’s book, obviously.

But O’Reilly knows the real reason, besides those other reasons, the godless liberal critics are attacking his masterful historical work. It is the “culture war in America,” which is essentially a War on O’Reilly, which is even more essentially a War on God Himself. Because, as O’Reilly reminds his viewers with a clip from a prior interview, this book wasn’t his idea. It came from God!

All of the ideas come to me in the middle of the night. And one night, I just woke up and I went “Killing. Jesus.” And I believe, because I’m a Catholic, that come from the Holy Spirit. My inspiration comes from that. And so I wrote Killing Jesus because I think I was directed to write that.

Asked to explain why God would choose O’Reilly, of all people, to go forth and tell the heretofore untold story of how Jesus died, O’Reilly is far too humble to “speculate about the deity.” He is but God’s humble servant and transcriptionist.

I’m not the Chosen One, I’m just one of many who have been given gifts. I can write, and I can bloviate on TV. So I’m trying to use the gifts in a positive way, and I believe that’s all directed, and that’s why I’m here on the planet.

That should have cleared it all up forever, but nooooooo. Persecuted like Christ himself, O’Reilly was mocked by the “secular progressive left,” because “the concept of a Holy Spirit that provides inspiration to humans is a foolish superstition to them.”

Yup, that’s right. That’s the only possible explanation for why the left would mock Bill O’Reilly. Nothing to do with his fantastic fabrications about his “award winning journalism,” or how he has been on the frontline of every major battle in the world since Gettysburg, or how it’s just the slightest bit hard to believe that God came to O’Reilly at night and whispered in his ear, “Hey, you should devote a couple dozen episodes of your show to calling an abortion provider a ‘baby killer,’ at least until I choose another tool to shoot that doctor dead in his church.”

Nah, the left just hates God. That’s the only plausible explanation.

The truth is, it is open season on Christians in America, and faith is not held in high esteem in the halls of Manhattan media operations. A movie like Killing Jesus is a noble endeavor, even if you didn’t like it.

Well, of COURSE it is a noble endeavor. Not only is it based on a book by the world’s greatest writer, Bill O’Reilly, but it came straight from a late-night conversation with God!

But to see what actually happened to a good man — Jesus — who preached loving your neighbor and loving God above all, to see how he was abused and murdered, historically, right before your eyes, is a powerful use of the motion picture concept. There IS a struggle in this country for power, for freedom, and for life-affirming behavior. Judeo-Christian tradition IS under assault. There is no question about that.

Hate to fact-check O’Reilly here, but there’s nothing in the “Judeo” tradition about telling the story over and over again about Jesus. Nor are Judeos all that concerned about the persecution of Christians in America. But go on, please, Mr. O’Reilly, with your God-given gift of bloviation.

Here in America, we often see Christians marginalized, mocked, portrayed as bigots and human rights abusers. Time to push back on that.

And how do we do that? Be sure to watch the rebroadcast of Killing Jesus right here on Fox News, on Good Friday and Easter, of course. Bill O’Reilly says so, and that’s pretty much like hearing it directly from God.

[Rawstory]

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  • Nounverb911

    Did Bill-O mention that he was there at the crucifixion?

    • whatwhomever

      He tried to take Jesus’s place, but those mean ol’ Romans and Jews wouldn’t let him.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Man, they sure know how to take the life out of a party, don’t they?

      • HarryButtle

        Welease…Bill O’Weilly!

    • Viva La Tabula Raza

      Crucifixion’s a dawdle. At least it gets you out in the fresh air. It could be worse; you could be stabbed.

      • Guest

        Oddball.

    • JMPesq

      You were there? Oh, please. If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would’ve been like Woodstock.

    • Guest

      Welease Bill O’Weilly!

    • BackDoorMan

      … right after he left the smithy when he was done forging the nails.

  • DahBoner
  • FlownOver

    He’s pretty pissed off, particularly since about the only part of the book he wrote was his own name on the title page.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    *sigh* No one cares about the War on Easter this year.

    • FlownOver

      Who can get upset during the Era of White Chocolate M&M’s?

    • MrBlobfish

      Holy Crap! I haven’t even put up the Easter Tree yet!

    • Blank Ron

      Won’t someone think of the chocolate bunnies?

  • OneYieldRegular

    So what’s it about? O’Reilly’s rescue of Jesus from the cross while covering the executions at Golgotha?

  • Callyson

    The Fox News host suggested Monday night on his “O’Reilly Factor” program that critics should weigh his intentions in writing the book above its artistic merits, adherence to historical fact, and skillful use of dramatic elements.

    Okay…

    Mr O’Reilly’s intentions were to turn what is supposed to be a message of love and compassion into another excuse to hate anyone who disagrees with Bill O’Reilly’s political agenda. Or, as one noted reviewer said:

    • Spotts1701

      Shorter O’Reilly: “It’s not for YOU, critics!”

    • Were I to judge it on adherence to historical fact, I’d have to say “this gets a 0 out of 10, because there’s no historical proof that Jesus actually ever existed.”

      • mtn_philosoph

        Is there much documentation available to verify the existence of any other individual who might have been alive at the time? Neither the Roman nor the Judean authorities kept permanent census records. There was no Dept. of Vital Statistics or DMV in ancient Nazareth or Jerusalem. Nearly all of what we know about most individuals from that time, including high-ranking Romans, comes from legends and oral history. The fact that the entire city of Jerusalem was razed to the ground in 70 C.E. enormously complicates the task of verifying anyone’s life from that era.

        There are a few passing references in some contemporary non-Scriptural accounts from that time to a Jesus of Nazareth, and most historians now conclude that such a person likely did exist and that he was an itinerant sermonizer and was executed by crucifixion in Jerusalem sometime between 30 and 40 C.E. It’s not much, but that individual is about as well-documented as anyone else from that place and time has been, and is better than most. There is zero documentation for the vast bulk of ancient Jerusalem’s people, but we know that there was a large city there at the beginning of the Common Era, so we know that they existed. As for the rest of the NT, well that’s a different matter.

        Your statement does accurately reflect the consensus view held by historians for quite some time, but this position has been revised in recent decades.

        • http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Evidence_for_the_historical_existence_of_Jesus_Christ

          In short, nope.

          And Jesus wasn’t (supposedly) just any other individual, he did great things and had a large following; the sorts of things that would get you noted in some sort of book.

          Since we can’t prove a negative, I’ll give you the “there was possibly a dude named Yeshua at one point”, but literally zero of the stories written about him are in any way factual. If there was once a dude with the name Clark Kent (even if he was a reporter) that does not make Superman real.

          Also “There are a few passing references in some contemporary non-Scriptural accounts from that time to a Jesus of Nazareth” is false. Unless by “a few” you mean “zero”.

          • mtn_philosoph

            ” As for the rest of the NT, well that’s a different matter.”

            Perhaps I was too subtle there, and you missed my meaning. I did not anticipate that I would need to explicitly point out all of the parts of the New Testament which lack any contemporary evidence, consistency or any shred of logical plausibility. Very few communities outside of the strict fundamentalists view the Bible as straight history. I took it as a given that anyone reading my post would know that.

            You really need to look again at what I actually said above, and also what I didn’t assert. In sum, I said that yeah, around that time it looks like there probably was some dude from Nazareth named Jesus who went around giving sermons and who was executed by crucifixion. I took as a given that readers would already know that the name Jesus (a variant of the name Joshua) was common at the time, that there were dozens if not hundreds of people wandering around Judea and Samaria giving sermons, and finally that crucifixion was one of the more common methods of execution practiced by the Romans, so I didn’t think I would need to go into all of that in a simple reply. And finally I took it for granted that, “[a]s for the rest of the NT, well that’s a different matter” would be self-explanatory. (In other words, myths and legends.) Your Honor, I plead guilty for expecting too much, perhaps.

          • Your argument basically is my Clark Kent argument. “Maybe there was a dude with that name that existed” (though, frankly, no actual evidence to support that, just some extrapolation… and really, John Frum says “hi”), but since literally nothing about that hypothetical person has survived to this day, it’s pointless to even consider that person a person. Jesus, in any meaningful, or even semi-meaningful way, absolutely did not exist.

          • mtn_philosoph

            Yes, and your Clark Kent argument had merely restated what I said in my original reply. Your whole thrust here is to argue that you contest what I said, because you made the same point and came to the same conclusion that I did. So therefore I must be wrong.

          • mtn_philosoph
  • whatwhomever

    “I may be omnipresent and omniscient, but even I don’t have time for this stupid crap.” – G.

    • Callyson

      “Seriously–we’ve got better things to do with our time than deal with this lunatic.”

      – Jesus

  • Adrian

    It didn’t help the ratings that the ending was revealed in the title.

    • Are you sure it isn’t like John Dies At The End, where (SPOILER ALERT!!!!!) John does NOT actually die at the end

    • Blank Ron

      Hey, I was planning on watching that!

  • Nounverb911

    “it is open season on Christians in America,”
    Bill, as a Catholic, do the “Christians” even consider you to be a Christian?

    • Darn. Open season and no one is letting me know the bag limit.

      • MrBlobfish

        You can keep 5 Christians over 9″ per day. Or trout. I get them mixed up.

        • Blank Ron

          The trout taste better.

          • MrBlobfish

            You have tried my Christian Cacciatore.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          There are no Christians over 9″, depending on how you measure them. Over 3″, actually.

      • memzilla

        The license stamps are faaaaabulous!

      • Biff52

        I hate perpetuating a meme, but AOT,K!

  • Vienna Woods

    Jesus, this guy.

    • Blank Ron

      IKR?

      – Jesus

  • Dr.Zoidberg

    I’d rather sit through all eleventy-billion seasons of whatever claptrap the Kardashians put out then watch anything based on anything O’Reilly has written.

    • Wonkaholic

      That will actually be the only choice we’ll have when we get to Hell. Eleventy-billion seasons of Kardashians, or O’Reilly’s movies on a continual loop. Guess which room has more empty space in it.

  • geoffalnutt

    “…and I believe, because I’m a Catholic…”. No, you “believe” because you’re a stupid/frightened motherfucker. There. Fixed it.

  • JustPixelz

    “The truth is, it is open season on Christians in America…”

    I would be concerned if there were any Christians in America. All I see are pretenders who preach an imaginary selfish theology Jesus would abhor.

    • Blank Ron

      Oh, there are a few. They’re just as hated by the teavangelicals and TV shysters as the rest of us are.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        There are many. But they get no media attention. You’re absolutely right about how they’re hated by the ones that DO get media attention, too.

        • MasterD

          Let’s face it – loving your enemies, caring for the poor, and spreading peace just don’t grab eyeballs.

    • MasterD

      I’ve seen the pretenders referred to as “Christianists”.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    What are these gifts Bill speaks of?

    • Wonkaholic

      The gift of gab, for one. Plus being born as a white male.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        The gift of everlasting gobsmacked

  • Just saw Mike Pence lying and sweating his ass off on TV. He’s running scared.
    ~

    • Blank Ron

      Why are you deflecting attention away from poor persecuted Bill O’Reilly?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “Ron here has his priorities straight!” — BillO

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    For Passover/Easter, I’ll be watching Life of Brian over and over.

    • CalvinianChoice

      Always look on the bright side of life…

    • Wonkaholic

      He’s not the Messiah; he’s a very naughty boy!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, that’s good, but do make some time for “Moses, Moses, MOSES!”

      Anne Baxter, pining for some Charlton Heston attention, along with his unfortunate shepherd wife who also got forgotten in all the godbothering.

      • MasterD

        “His unfortunate shephard wife”: Yvonne DeCarlo – “Lily” from the Munsters!

        And let’s not forget Yul Brynner – best voice in the movie!

        • Villago Delenda Est

          “So let it be written, so let it be done!”

        • fredoandme

          yul. shirtless in most of the movie. reason enough.

      • fredoandme

        first up in the rotation around this house. the casting alone. americans, englishers, russians, anne freaking baxter as an ancient egyptian. classic tin eared american movie making.
        de mille changed the name to nefertiRi because he didn’t want anyone snickering at the real one.
        and the whole thing didn’t even really happen.

  • say wha

    Good job, Bill. You are definitely killing Jesus for everyone now.

    • MrBlobfish

      Not fair. If it weren’t for Bill, I never would have heard of this Jesus fellow.

      • Biff52

        Is that kinda like me never even hearing about “Breaking Bad” until the final season was half over?

  • Portia McGonagal

    Clearly the biggest mistake was not casting Kirk Cameron as Jesus

    • JustPixelz

      I doubt Cameron would take such a lesser role after his award winning star turn in “Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas”.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Kelsey Grammer as Herod was a nice touch but why did they pass on John Ratzenberger as John the Baptist?

      • HarryButtle

        I tell ya, Normie, when a man’s head is cut off…

  • Callyson

    He said Christians are “murdered and abused” in some countries overseas, and he compared that oppression to the negative commentary some American Christians face when they venture into politics and media.

    “Here in America we often see Christians marginalized, mocked, (and) portrayed as bigots and human-rights abusers,” O’Reilly said. “It’s time to push back on that. ‘Killing Jesus’ may have opened some eyes in that arena, and the left doesn’t like that at all.”

    Actually, BillO, what we don’t like is your hyperbolic comparison of the oppression of Christians abroad–which does happen and is a real problem with refusing to accept someone’s right to deny human rights to other people because their religion says those people are icky. Not the same thing at all.

    • weejee

      BillO has f(x) = 1/x so nailed, crucified even.

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    “Duck season!”
    “Christian season!”

    • HarryButtle

      It’s Christian season and I demand that you shoot him now!

      Edit (with votes, of course)

  • FauxAntocles

    Late night? Maybe it was Jimmy Fallon.

  • CalvinianChoice

    I’m not sure if he’s gods hand-picked tool, but he sure is some kind of tool.

    • memzilla

      He certainly is an adze.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      He’s not the sharpest tool in God’s tool box.

  • Remember when National Geographic was a respected magazine?

    • Nounverb911

      From Wikipedia:

      “In the United States, the National Geographic Channel, launched on January 12, 2001, is a joint venture of National Geographic Television & Film and Fox Cable Networks.

      • Blank Ron

        Does explain a lot.

    • HarryButtle

      And Discovery and Animal Planet used to run shows that promoted discovery or showed some of the planet’s animals…well, animals that weren’t bible-thumpin’ inbred white-trash hillbillies, anyway.

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    Why won’t he compare that show’s ratings with those of the NCAA basketball tournament?

  • FauxAntocles

    Maybe the late night voice came from Melpomene.

  • drbloor

    “On Monday, O’Reilly giddily reported that the movie was “the most watched program ever on the National Geographic channel.””

    A piece of information from which we can conclude that “Here Comes Honey-Boo Boo” was a rerun.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …who else would be more qualified to right a book about Jesus than Bill O’Rielly? He was there when Jesus was crucified right?

    • Blank Ron

      Who do you think was on the ladder holding the nails?

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …meh, I thought he would be the guy with the spear

        • Blank Ron

          Somehow I can’t see Bill-O as EVER being a spear-carrier.

    • Ruhe

      Isn’t it possible at least that he imagines he was there. I mean, he probably really identifies with that John Constantine character.

      • Blank Ron

        Which is worse? Delusional Bill or Deceitful Bill?

        … yeah, I know, trick question…

  • MrBlobfish

    Let’s see there’s roughly 322 million Americans, 75% of which are Christian, split down the middle conservative/liberal, 3.7 million watched this dumbass’ movie. I’m convinced. Totally marginalized.

  • JustPixelz

    Blasphemer! The truth is in the Book of Arnold.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHDtwNX72G4

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Ah, the classics. The Scientology of the 19th Century!

  • If you substitute the word “science” for “Christian” in everything Bill says, he’s actually got a point.

    • OctopiRage

      Also, too works if you replace everything billo says with explosive diarrhea.

  • Spotts1701

    “We were the most watched show on the National Geographic Channel!”
    Selective qualification for the win!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      This is the most watched sub-comment in the current thread.

      • Viva La Tabula Raza

        This is the most upvoted sub-comment in this thread.
        Or not.

  • MrBlobfish

    The Fox makeup staff does a wonderful job of hiding Bill’s stigmata.

    • weejee

      But it would be lashadaisical not to note Billo’s back needs moar scourging.

  • elpinche

    The Passion of the Blowhard

  • diogenez

    At O’Reilly’s age, I keep thinking he will tire of the constant masturbation.

    • Blank Ron

      Maybe he’s hoping that it’ll finally get him hard?

    • unStunned

      Young persons’ myth.

  • jviscont1

    my libertine behavior is firmly rooted in Christian belief. Without at least 1 ‘oh god’ mentioned, I feel unfulfilled.

    • OctopiRage

      That’s what she said.
      I’ll leave now…

  • JustPixelz

    “Fuck it. We’ll do it live.” — God, speaking through Bill O’Reilly.

  • Manhattan123

    “The most watched program ever on the National Geographic channel.” That’s like being the thin kid at fat camp.

    • SpideySenser

      Typo? This is the proper description: “The most wretched program ever on the National Geographic channel”

  • weejee

    I can bloviate on TV

    Got that right, oh so right, at least.

    blo·vi·ate
    ˈblōvēˌāt/

    verb: bloviate; 3rd person present: talk at length, especially in an inflated or empty way.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I was tempted to say, “Bill, the dictionary is your friend” but in his case, honestly, it isn’t.

      • BackDoorMan

        … whenever I hear Bilious O’Really use “bloviate” when talking about himself, I’m reminded of that endless meme, you know… the Inigo Montoya quote.

  • exinkwretch

    Jesus and Bill-O are indelibly linked in my mind. Whenever I see his face, I mutter, “Jesus Christ, what an asshole!”

    • BackDoorMan

      … whenever Bill-O talks about Jesus, this is what I see:

  • dslindc

    Millions of people tune in to watch Sharknado too, Bill.

    • Blank Ron

      And at least they were entertained.

      • Boscoe

        -And learned valuable survival skills!

  • FZsdaughter

    Yeah, the life-affirming behaviour of the crucifixion. Give it up.

    • Boscoe

      C’mon, what’s more “life affirming” than decorating your house and your body with the device used to murder your holy spiritual hero? I’d say it pretty much screams: “I’M ALIVE AND YOU’RE NOT! HAHAHAHAHA!”

      • OctopiRage

        Sort of how they sneer at the poor, so spot on.

  • DsMTwoShoes

    When you listen to O’Liely it’s not so much what he says.
    It is rather the realization that there are millions of people who hang on every word of his bullshit.

  • Wonkaholic

    “Meh. Get back to me when it’s a Lifetime Movie of the Week.”
    ~ The Almighty

  • lucasfoxx

    Once again, BillO misunderstands. God said “YOU are killing Jesus.”

  • janecita

    3.7 million people watched O’Reilly crappy Jesus movie. 15.8 million people watched The Walking Dead season finale. I guess that more people like Daryl better than Jesus.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Well Daryl, at least, gets shit done.

      • janecita

        And still manages to look hot while doing it.

  • Jared James

    Additional fact-check: I’ve made an honest attempt to read one of Billo’s books. When he asserts he was given the “gift” to be able to write, he is incorrect.

    • janecita

      He surely doesn’t have the gift to come up with original names for his books.

      • BackDoorMan

        … I liked the comment Jon Stewart made about the Patton one in this series of “books”… “we’re just going to call it Killing Trees”…

    • Mehmeisterjr

      He doesn’t even have the gift of selecting a competent ghost writer.

    • exinkwretch

      The first time I read this, I thought it said “fart check.” That may be more accurate!

  • AnOuthouse

    If O’Reilley says it, it must be true.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Is BillO the single greatest topic that keeps Shypixel up at night enforcing the Commenting Rules for Radicals?

    My guess is that he gives Arkansas rehoming twit a run for the money.

  • Blank Ron

    Mr. O’Reilly? There’s a Mr. Gibson on line three and he sounds drunk…

  • Guest

    I have it on good authority that the headquarters of the Secular Progressive Movement (SPM) is located only two floors down from the offices used by the Elders of Zion — in a building owned by the Gay Agenda Corporation!

  • fawkedifiknow

    I got a message from God last night – just like most nights – that told me to get up out of bed, and take a piss.

    • Blank Ron

      I hope you listened.

  • Jack

    Behold good conservative personal responsibility. It can’t be that his movie sucked, it must be that the reviewers hate Christians and want to kill Jesus all over again and hail Satan.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Interestingly enough, the same fate befell the the “Atlas Shrugged” movie trilogy. The reviewers hated it not because it seriously sucked as a movie, but because it was “Atlas Shrugged”.

      Given the idiocy of the source material, they have a point, I guess.

      • Jack

        Not to mention that Part III of a movie trilogy based on a book sneering at people who ask for handouts could be made only after the producers asked for handouts. Eaux, the irony.

  • Bill Slider

    Should I feel inspired to learn more about Killing Jesus, I think I will read the original work on the event, the Bible. Or, if I want to see a movie version, there exists but one really good one, The Robe. As for remakes, I will save my money for the rumored forthcoming version by Wonkette. I understand the cast will be African American as God intended. Rock and Sherock Obama, along with Barack and Michelle Obama, have expressed interest in auditioning for the roles of Mary and Joseph.

  • Sebastian Melmoth

    I have it on good authority that the headquarters of the Secular Progressive Movement (SPM) is located only two floors down from the offices used by the Elders of Zion — in a building owned by the Gay Agenda Corporation!

  • Bad Granny

    Billo was standing just outside and overheard them killing Jesus.

  • Sebastian Melmoth

    I have it on good authority that the headquarters of the Secular Progressive Movement (SPM) is located only two floors down from the offices used by the Elders of Zion — in a building owned by the shadowy Union of Easter Bunnies.

  • Bill, that movie depicted everyone as long haired, dirty, unwashed hippies who never changed their clothes and went around having orgiastic wine parties and saying commie things like Peace and Love and they all drank from the same glass at those parties. I’m ashamed of you.

    • MasterD

      Don’t forget how that hippie Jesus assaulted those hard-working, tax-paying moneylenders at the temple! Obviously one of those Occupier freaks!!!!

      • gingerland62

        Back in the day Jesus supported a law which made it legal to not make cakes for lepers.

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    Sorry, can’t get beyond “libertine behavior in general”. What regency romance is Bill living in? I’m assuming one of the poorly written ones where Lord Bill inadvertently forces himself upon the virginal Lady Twitmouse, and is forced by honour to marry her, but love prevails in the end? (Ahem, I of course have only heard 3rd hand that such drivel exists)

    • beatbort

      Does it involve a loofah? Or some falafel? If so, you nailed it.

      • hornheat

        You beat me to it!

        • Me not sure

          If you should see Bill, warn him. Jesus is working on his new book and Bill’s not gonna like the way it ends.

  • unStunned

    It came to me in the night. “Killing.” Jesus, what’s wrong with me?

  • Zippy

    Hey Billy boy- your buddy the photographer finally came forward- he says you were lying through your teeth about Buenos Aires. You did rescue him, he never fell down, never got hurt at all, there was no blood, nobody died- you lied about everything.

    Guess what, Bill? Jesus hates liars! In fact his dad does too! He hates it so much he made lying the top thing on his top ten list of things not to do- number one with a bullet. Only person killing Jesus is you, with all your lies…

  • Me not sure

    I dunno, Jesus rated it three nails up.

  • chicken thief

    “I’m not the Chosen One,….”

    Well no fucking shit, Bill.

    ~ Barack Hussein Obama

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Ted Cruz is the Chosen One. His father, who art in Texas, says so.

  • docterry6973

    There is no god but god and Bill-O is his ghostwriter.

  • wandajayne

    While you’re up there, Bill, one quick question. How ever will you get the third nail in?

    • Biff52

      I have a pneumatic nail gun, I can help.

  • Grokenstein

    Has anyone told him what “bloviate” means?

    • Boscoe

      I’m sure he thinks it’s “ironic” when HE says it…

  • Randy Riddle

    Can we stop talking about the imaginary sky-beings for while and get back to talking about politics? Surely there’s a sex scandal, financial cliff, or Republican talking point on ladyparts that we can mock today?

    • Boscoe

      STOP YOUR WAR ON OUR WAR ON CHRISTMAS!!!1!!!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Imaginary sky beings, Republican talking points . . . conversation-wise, I’m not seeing where there’s much of a difference.

  • BearGHAZI

    he’s a hand-picked tool all right

  • LloydDrako

    Yeah, all right, OK, “killing Jesus.” But on NatGeo? Which should be presenting wildlife of the Orinoco basin or at most a scenic tour of Galilee?

    • Biff52

      The NatGeo Channel is owned by Rupert, that’s why.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Oh FFS. That fucker turns everything he touches to shit.

  • Joshua Norton

    It’s obvious that when Bill-O prays to Him he finds that he’s talking to himself.

  • chascates

    Like Saul on the road to Tarsus I have been struck by the light! All this time I thought it was people of color, LGBTs, or non-Christians who were discriminated against in this country but it turns out it’s the almost 80% who identify as Christians who are the real persecuted minority!

    Cool.

  • Mavenmaven

    Well, actually, if the Judeos have been feeling some persecution for the last two thousand years, it might have something to do with this story…

  • deanbooth

    Teabagger Jesus? I’ve always wondered if INRI was a misspelling.

  • Biff52

    OMG fuck this guy in the neck so hard!

    • Tony Alexander

      harder!

      • fredoandme

        faster.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    When your “persecution” is a critical review of your work, you might need to recalibrate your perspective a little. Though, I doubt any zoos will let their lion chew on your face.

  • 3FingerPete

    Of course the Boston Herald, formerly a NewsCorp property and currently owned by a former NewsCorp executive can be counted upon to give a fair and balanced review of O’Reilly’s killing fetish.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    O’Reilly’s next book is to be called, “Killing Truth”

    • Land Shark

      New episodes daily on Fox Entertainews.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Coptic Christians in the middle east? PFF! They’ve never had their books made into teevee shows — and then panned by critics! Like they would even know what ‘open season’ means!

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “I’m not the Chosen One, I’m just one of many who have been given gifts.”

    FUCK IT WE’LL TRANSUBSTANTIATE LIVE

  • LIT_Fag

    My Republican mother was in town, and wanted to watch it. I, however, was on the Wonkettes the whole time. But, each time I looked up, it was pretty homoerotic. And the takeaway I got was that Jesus prayed out in a boat to catch some fish with some dude, and it “worked” (bunch of fish started jumping in a net), and he declared himself a big deal, and got people to start following him.

  • Akira Bear

    In Bill’s version, does Jesus have a loofah and a Swedish airline stewardess?

  • Bobo Yeats Druid-Jones VIII

    The one review I read – in Salon – written by a self-proclaimed Christian – mainly criticized it as a boring, uninspired and tepid retelling, hardly indistinguishable from previous story-of-Christ movies. I’m an agnostic, but Scorsese’s The Last Temptation of Christ is one of my favorite movies, because it made me think about the story in new ways, and the artistry of the storyteller was evident all the way through. I’m betting that the “Bill O’Reilly is just boring” criticism is the one that really hurts, because it’s true.

    • Joseph

      Look you an only rehash this noinsese so many times. Between the Story of Jeebus and all the other stories of saviors we have beat the shit out of the whole genera. gehy can eve use the same costumes in all the different varieties. Sheesh. There might be some possibilites in the Mormon religion – they seem to have a lot of different characters that have not been laid on the big screen yet.

  • tegrat

    Can’t we just cut to the scene with Jeebus & Mary Magdalene in the shower with the loofah?

    • Jared James

      Great. Now I need to go buy another keg of bleach, to throw in my eyes.

  • Tony Alexander

    how do i get in on the whores and reefer action?

    • nanoot

      That’s easy. Become a Republican congressman!

  • Poly_Ester

    Bill, its not that you are a christian, its that you are an insufferable dick and a hack.

  • cessnadriver

    I am beginning to think that he is not an intelligent man.

  • A Big Sarcastic Fairy!

    Jeebus is coming, bring towels.

  • m3bosha

    Sorry Bill, there is a Game of Thrones marathon on that night. I’m pretty sure GoT is more factual than anything that you’ve come up with.

  • Joseph

    Do we have a secular movement? For how long? Where do I sign up. Do you get badge or button? I can’t pay any dues. I’m old. Do I have a hat on?

  • Toomush_Infer

    Is this the one where Jesus drives the liberal professors out of the universities?… and then gets kissed in the garden by an O’Reilly look-alike? I still think I’ll miss it….

  • ThatsWhatItIs

    Let us petition the Pope to add the Gospel of Bill to the Bible.

  • j hentai

    fuck bill o’lielly on a hot cross bun.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “Here in America, we often see Christians marginalized, mocked, portrayed as bigots and human rights abusers. Time to push back on that.”

    Like with Indiana’s hate-the-gays legislation. Right-O, Bill-O, you fucking ass.

    • David Bennett

      It’s Indiana’s Remember the First Amendment law!

  • Bob Harrow

    Bill just killed jesus. Done gone buried. I get a hardon for bill. He is so cool

  • AlanInSF

    Give the guy a break. It’s hard writing a book that’s so historically accurate when there’s not the tiniest shred of historial evidence to base it on.

    • It’s not even accurate according to their Bible? Pathetic acting, horrible production design, and the wig makers should be shot.

  • LADY MABELINE

    The older I get the the more I beleive that the religious right in this country suffer from a severe mental illness.

  • actor212

    O’Reilly tried to save Jesus, but his cameraman got in the way.

  • Why is Bill O’Reilly presuming to know anything about anything? He’s a complete and utter idiot.

  • This is the Jesus story by the numbers. Pathetic.

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