Louie Gohmert Teases 2016 Run Then Quickly Pulls Out, Leaving Us Lonely And Unsatisfied

For a brief moment yesterday, yr Wonkette knew in our blackened heart a moment of the purest, most unfettered joy such as we had never felt before. Purer than when we got that Atari 2600 we wanted for Hanukkah or the first time we touched some boobies. For just a moment we were free of the careworn chains we drag through our earthly life. We were a being of pure energy, soaring through the clouds above the mountains and deserts and oceans of Creation, reveling in the sheer amazing gift of a ravishing sunset, a majestic forest, our one true love’s smile.

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R- Asparagus ) had announced he was considering running for president in 2016.

As if we weren’t giddy enough already this week with what is shaping up to be an epic circus of a primary campaign. As if we needed something else to live for. As if the Lord in His infinite grace had not already blessed us with a basket of riches so huge it had to be borne to our newsroom in a solid gold carriage pulled by two dozen of the mightiest steeds ever birthed by purebred fillies.

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Granted, it was a casual statement, one that Gohmert might have tossed over his shoulder as he hurried off to the House cafeteria before they shut down the soft-serve machine for the day. Asked by a reporter if he would support the presidential campaign of Winnipeg Ted Cruz, Gohmert responded thus.

"Ted is a good friend and would be an outstanding President; however, I haven't ruled out an exploratory committee myself," Gohmert said in a statement emailed to The Hill from a spokesperson.

And as a rare sun shone down, as a heavenly choir of angels began to sing, the clouds parted to show us a debate stage upon which stood Gohmert and Cruz, squawking like pigeons arguing over some crumbs. There were other podiums, wrapped in gossamer silk like delicate cocoons, behind which stood Rick Perry and Rand Paul and Bobby Jindal and Donald Trump and Carly Fiorina and Jeb Bush and it was all so, so beautiful. Sure we should probably have been weeping for our democracy, for this once-great nation’s devolution into a Vegas lounge act so hideous that Hunter S. Thompson would have run screaming to the nearest monastery to join the priesthood. But for just a moment …

Sadly, it was not to be. After a quick outcry online, Gohmert’s office put out a follow-up. 

“Washington D.C. contains too many who do not recognize statements made with a figurative tongue in cheek, sometimes known as being ironic,” said an email from Gohmert’s office.

“To more completely describe his actual beliefs, Congressman Gohmert notes the Kennedy-Nixon debates created a line of demarcation beyond which television became the critical factor in being elected President which also meant there would be no more bald Presidents in his lifetime.”

And like that, the dream was gone, crumbled to dust in our hands, spotted with our tears. It would have been glorious. 

[ The Hill / Texas Tribune ]