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Maybe the not so S-M-R-T one

  • Jeb Bush — who has got to be tired by now of being laughingly referred to as “the smart one,” but screw him, let’s never stop doing that, he IS supposed to be the smart one, isn’t he? — has had a lot of campaign problems for a guy who hasn’t officially launched his presidential campaign yet. Here’s his latest:

    Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush (R) said it was a mistake for one of his foreign policy advisers to go speak at the left-leaning Israel policy group J Street. The adviser, James Baker, criticized Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on seeming to change his position on a two-state solution. […]

    “I did not believe that it was appropriate to go speak to J Street, a group that basically has anti-Israeli sentiments,” Bush said Thursday during a radio interview with Brian Kilmeade. “But I have a vast array of people advising me and I’m honored that Jim Baker was doing so. The fact that I have people that I might not agree with me on every subject advising me shows leadership, frankly.”

    That would be former Secretary of State James Baker, who served under President Daddy Bush and and also advised President Dubya Bush, back before Republicans thought it was cool to pander to The Jews by saying “I heart Israel!!!” in every speech. His record of not exactly hearting Israel, or The Jews, is a long one. But then so is the Bush family’s. So Protip to Jeb Bush: If you really wanna make nice with The Jews, you should reconsider having that rotted soulless sack of skin James Baker advising you. Even if he has been a close personal family friend all these years. Because if you think you’re embarrassed now, just wait until the kids these days start Googling all James Baker’s greatest hits. Then you’re really going to have some problems.

  • Apparently, people are still asking Mitt Romney what he thinks about stuff:

    Former Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney said Thursday that he wouldn’t have traded five prisoners for the release of Army Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, who was charged with desertion on Wednesday.

    “I don’t think I would have made the trade,” he said on NBC’s “Today Show.”

    Guess you shoulda won that presidential election then, huh, Mitt?

  • Sorry for getting caught doing racism. We cool now, brah?

    A former University of Oklahoma student captured on video leading a racist chant apologized Wednesday, saying he was sorry for his role in the incident and ashamed that he participated.

    The words in the chant “were mean, hateful and racist,” said the former student, Levi Pettit, who was surrounded by African-American community leaders at the Fairview Missionary Baptist Church here.

    “Some have wondered why I hadn’t spoken out publicly,” Mr. Pettit said. “The truth is I have had a mix of pain, shame, sorrow and fear over the consequences of my actions. I did not want to apologize to the press or to the whole country until I first came to apologize to those most directly impacted.”

    “The truth is what was said in that chant is disgusting,” Mr. Pettit said, “and after meeting with these people, I’ve learned these words should never be repeated.”

  • Not all bloggers:

    You are probably aware, after a decade-plus of exposure to the idea of blogging, that bloggers live in their parents’ basements. There are rarely exceptions to this in popular culture; unlike hackers, who extort and steal secrets and money from behind screens that project code onto their faces, bloggers are weaselly youngsters in tattered Primus t-shirts who call upstairs for more Doritos and Mountain Dew.

    The data, however, refute that stereotype. And who better to present that exculpatory evidence than a blogger, who happens to be writing this from his mother’s house but 1) not from the basement and 2) only because I am here visiting.

  • Some sad, though not surprising, news. Turns out the Beastie Boys can, will, and did stop:

    In interviews with The Daily Beast and GQ, Adam Horovitz, aka Ad-Rock, has confirmed the Beastie Boys are indeed done making music following the 2012 death of Adam “MCA” Yauch.

    “Adam started the band, so it’s done,” Horovitz told The Daily Beast. “I’m in transition right now. I’m transitioning. It’s an interesting time, I guess. I certainly knew that the Beastie Boys weren’t going to be the same thing forever, but I certainly hoped that we would just stop doing it for a while, Adam would make movies, and we’d just be friends for a while. So I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

  • By now, you’ve no doubt heard that The X-Files is making a comeback. Our friends at Happy Nice Time People propose some other TV comebacks, like My Mother The Car:

    One of the most famous TV lemons of all time, Jerry Van Dyke buys a dilapidated 1928 convertible only to discover the car is the reincarnation of his dead mother, who can talk to him through the radio. The brief-lived sitcom was actually a failed knockoff of Mr. Ed, which was popular at the time. But a car isn’t a horse, of course, of course, and everyone in North America unanimously hated it.

    Why would anyone want to resurrect this clunker? Because the show was lightyears ahead of its time (and not just for the engine backfire/fart joke that censors demanded they remove). TV in the 1960s wasn’t ready to explore the twisted metaphysical implications of the show’s central conceit, but today’s audiences are all-too-willing to embrace the darkness.

  • Wanna see a woolly mammoth?

    The idea of bringing extinct animals back to life continues to reside in the realm of science fiction. But scientists have taken a small step closer to that goal, by inserting the DNA of a woolly mammoth into lab-grown elephant cells. […]

    Woolly mammoths (Mammuthus primigenius) have been extinct for millennia, with the last of the species dying out about 3,600 years ago. But scientists say it may be possible to bring these and other species back from the grave, through a process known as de-extinction.

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  • Beowoof14

    Well on that headline, I would only say he is continuing a long family tradition.

  • Zippy

    Sorry Jeb, but teh jooz aren’t as stupid as your base and aren’t going to forget that the Bush family is BFFs with the Saudi royal family and that Baker is a hack, just because you mouth the right words now.

  • Lizzietish81

    Bringing back the X-Files feels like beating a dead horse, so Mr. Ed makes sense too.

    • Zippy

      The last couple seasons felt like an exercise in milking it. This will probably be worse

      • Gleem-McShinez

        YOU DON’T MILK HORSES

        • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

          Maybe YOU don’t.

        • Zippy

          but they do shoot them, don’t they?

        • Blank Ron

          Mongol libel!

    • Bezoar

      I’m optimistic that they could find a few wildly new story lines. Like maybe how we’re in the grip of bacteria-sized alien invaders that make airline pilots fly planes into mountains. (I’ve been reading about toxoplasmosis today.)

    • CalvinianChoice

      Mr. Ed is considering a run for the republican nomination.

      • Lizzietish81

        If he displays his rear he’ll blend right in

      • Blank Ron

        We neeed to discuss immigrration rrreeform, Wilbur!

  • schmannity

    You better stay on Baker’s good side, Jeb!, in case you need to steal Florida like W.

  • schmannity

    Mitt forgot to mention that Bergdahl, as a government employee, is a 47% taker, so fuck ’em.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Maybe Jeb should hire his idiot brother to advise him. What could go wrong?

    • schmannity

      Jar Jar?

      • Antonin Dvorak

        Neil.

        • Zippy

          The even stupider, more crooked one

          • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

            Wait! There is a Bush more stupid than W?

          • jmk

            Oh yes.. there’s Neil. You can recognize him by his “My dad was president and all I got was this lousy Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card for my Savings and Loan shenanigans” t-shirt.

          • Zippy

            Fraid so. There’s no bottom to teh stupid when it comes to the Bush family

  • Tallmutha

    How old is James Baker now, like 120? Anyway, I can think of a lot of things more pressing for Jeb! to apologize for than a zombie friend of his dad’s failing to kiss Netanyahu butt.

    • schmannity

      In jackal years?

  • De-extinction? No big, I do that everytime I wash my socks.

    • RevZafod

      Are we not mammoths? We are De-extinct.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    De-extinction… James Baker…. there’s a joke in there somewhere, I just know it.

  • Zippy

    Republicans are such fucking hypocrites. They’re the first to cheer on that war and to wear that cheap Chinese flag pin and ‘support the troops’ bumper sticker, but give them a chance to shit on the prez and they forget all about the fundamental axiom of leave no man behind. Newsflash goopers: regardless what Bergdahl did or didn’t do (and he hasn’t even been tried yet) we don’t leave one of our boys in the hands of the enemy. Besides, we all remember that it was only a year or so ago that you were demandin that Bamz do whatever it takes to get him out of there.

  • JustPixelz

    “The truth is what was said in that chant is disgusting,” Mr. Pettit said, “and after meeting with these people, I’ve learned these words should never be repeated.”

    In the 1950s, my mother told me never, never, never to use that word. I guess Pettit was raised differently.

    • Bezoar

      Me too! Are you from Seattle?

    • FlownOver

      “Some have wondered why I hadn’t spoken out publicly,” Mr. Pettit said. “The truth is Daddy’s check to the PR firm that set this up hadn’t cleared yet.

      Repairs”R”Us

    • MOG253

      It rated instant mouthwashedoutwithsoap. Yes, it was all one word in our house.

    • Blank Ron

      In the 50s my parents told me never, never, never to use that word – in front of Those People. Otherwise, go nuts…

  • freakishlystrong

    Jesus, these goose-stepping wingnuts. Think for yourselves for once. Real “leadership” there Mittens. Just leave a service man to die in Afghaniland. When your own strapping boys never bothered to sign up.

    • janecita

      The military is for chumps! Nice strapping Mormon boys serve their country by spreading the word of their Lord, Joseph Smith, throughout the wilderness of the French countryside.

      • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

        All that Bordeaux wasted on Mormons…

        • janecita

          Tell me about it! All the good French coffee too.

  • Ruhe

    I wasn’t a huge fan of X-Files but I did see the episode with Charles Nelson Riley and that pretty much justified the whole thing.

  • JustPixelz

    “inserting the DNA of a woolly mammoth into lab-grown elephant cells”

    Republican scientists continue to insert Reagan DNA into every elephant they can find. But the real breakthrough will be when they switch to Roosevelt (Theodore) DNA.

    • Blank Ron

      Bully!

  • MsAnthropesMr

    I haz a sad that Ad Rock can no longer rock the sure shot.

  • JustPixelz

    The fact that I have people that I might not agree with me on every subject advising me shows leadership, frankly.

    Way to brag about your “leadership” Jebediah. And when people say “frankly”, they are not being frank.

    • Rabbit_Rebozo

      A good leader always takes leadership in boasting about their own leadership.

  • Slithytoves

    Why are we trying to restore the mammoth? Shouldn’t we be trying to save the animals we have right now?

    • Guest

      Like black children with BB guns, for example.

      • PunditusMaximus

        Nice thought, but the “animals” kills the joke. 8 for effort, 1 for execution (literal).

    • Hardly Ideal

      I’d say so, but I’m not sure the two are mutually exclusive.

      Besides, it’s way easier to culture mammoths in a lab than, say, stop extinction-level deforestation.

  • JustPixelz

    My Mother The Car resurrection.

    The new show will be My Father The Car about how Jesus (called “Josh”, voiced by Ben Stiller) has finally come back. But as a 1985 Cordoba (product placement!) marking the beginning of Carmageddon. Hilarity ensues as Jesus realizes everyday life in America is worse than Hell. “$45 for an oil change!” he exclaims. “Have the Romans come back?” (laugh track)

    This will be a sure hit with the 55-99 demo.

    • FauxAntocles

      “55-99 demo” AKA Rethuglicans.

      • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

        Easy…

      • Rabbit_Rebozo

        Just don’t put it on opposite O’Reilly.

      • Blank Ron

        Hey…

    • MOG253

      Will there be fine Corinthian leather????

      • Rabbit_Rebozo

        No, John Boehner will not be available to do cameos.

    • thepoliticalcat

      Guess I am obsessed by the 2016 elections. I read that as “Hillary ensues.”

    • junior friggster

      Where’s the Kickstarter? I’m in for $5 to get this so-crazy-it-just-might-work humdinger into production.

  • J Street, a group that basically has anti-Israeli sentiments

    J Street, the Jewish group that is slightly to the left of AIPAC and the Likud?

    I suppose they’re anti-Semitic in the sense or “anybody who doesn’t want to exterminate the Palestinians is an anti-Semite.”
    ~

    • thepoliticalcat

      The term ‘anti-Semite’ has been bandied about so loosely and frequently by these moral midgets that it has lost its potency. It sounds more like a dog-whistle than a pejorative, now.

  • beatbort

    Bush is trading in James Baker for Jim Bakker.
    Will these people just go away, please?

    • Hardly Ideal

      Word. I’d sooner elect Jeb Kerman over Jeb Bush.

  • I was depressed by the fact that I’m struggling to find any job at all for after I finish my degree, but now I see that the Republican candidate pool is already imploding like the house in “Poltergeist”, and Harry Reid is retiring, opening up the possibility that the closest thing we have to a liberal party might actually have someone with basic competence at the helm! I haven’t even had my Zoloft-amaretto sour mix (my usual breakfast) and it’s already shaping up to be a good day.

    • janecita

      Yay, life is great!!! By the way, maybe the amaretto breath isn’t helping in your job interviews?

      • You’re assuming I’m even getting interviews!

        Hm, I think I’ll have Southern Comfort for lunch…

        • janecita

          Now I’m depressed! Don’t despair, it might take a while, but you’ll find a job. It took me a while after graduating to find one also.

          • wingr47

            Just asking but was it worth it? Could You do Your job without four years of college? Maybe a more specialized higher education would have been better? I caught My education on the fly after high school. Five years in the Army and I could take college courses free so I took as many as I could. It’s hard to take three afternoons a week off for class and leave the work for others all the time. But really was it worth the time and money? I’ve worked alongside Grads and had no trouble doing the same work. Not trying to be a butt, just asking Your opinion. ,>)

          • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

            I got my BA at a real university. I got my MA while I was in the Air Force. Getting a degree while working full time in the military isn’t exactly “going to college.”

          • janecita

            I’m a health educator, my undergrad is in history and my masters is in public health. I guess that I could have done my job either way. You just need a good mentor with the patience to train you, but they wouldn’t have hired me if I didn’t have a college degree. It is worth the money, try to do night classes if you can. Good Luck

  • Msgr_Moment

    To be fair, Mitt wouldn’t have made the Herschell Walker trade either.

    • jmk

      And as a former governor of Massachusetts, he feels the need to make the talk-show rounds to speak out strongly in opposition to trading Ruth to the Yankees.

  • Otto66

    Thx, NBC, for showing us how you bow to your master Comcast by putting Mittens on the TV box. Here is a tip, NO ONE gives 2 fucks what he thinks since what ever comes out of his piehole is reprocessed Heritage Foundation preapproved by Frank Lutz horseshit.

    • MrBlobfish

      A nation turns it’s lonely eyes to Mitt. Scratches ass. Smells finger.

      • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

        Finger smells amazingly like Mitt.

        • jmk

          Santorum!

      • Rabbit_Rebozo

        Where have you gone, Joe Dimaggio?

        • Querolous

          He’s having a long coffee break.

  • LarryHoudini

    The ice caps are melting. Bring back the Wooly Mammoth! Makes perfect sense.

  • malsperanza

    Here’s Jeb’s whole foreign policy team. Want a war with Iran? Here’s how to get it: https://img.washingtonpost.com/wp-apps/imrs.php?src=https://img.washingtonpost.com/blogs/the-fix/files/2015/02/BushMenv4.png&w=1484

    • bobbert

      Ah, Wolfie, the stupidest motherfucker in the world.

    • i never ever ever wanted to see those names again.

      except on an extradition list.

  • 1ucille_bluth1

    Say what you will, but Levi Pettit apologizing for his stupidity and racism in front of African Americans is a good start. He could’ve just released a letter, or sent an e-mail.

    • timpundit

      Also, the apology was not one of those fake “if anyone was offended…” things. It seemed sincere and made it harder for me to hate the little fucker.

      • thepoliticalcat

        Y’all must be new here. The lack of cynicism is refreshing, if naif.

        • timpundit

          Naw, I’ve been a wonkette fan for many a year. Ya have to break up the cynicism a little, otherwise get cynical to cynicism.

    • Hardly Ideal

      He’s still young, so he has the rest of his dumb life to make up for it. And an honest to goodness apology? Good on ‘im for owning it.

    • thepoliticalcat

      His parents paid a PR firm to write that apology. I’m sure he doesn’t mean a word of it.

  • A Big Sarcastic Fairy!

    Two words for ol’ Jeb Bush: “Terri Schiavo”.

    • JeffWest

      She’ll make an excellent running mate, one that reflects Jeb’s values.

      • beatbort

        And she’s far more competent than W

        • Blank Ron

          McCain / Palin
          Bush / Schiavo
          It’d demonstrate consistency, at least.

  • Mary Sandoras

    “bloggers are weaselly youngsters in tattered Primus t-shirts who call upstairs for more Doritos and Mountain Dew.”

    Well, I can’t get my youth back, don’t know who Primus is, I’d have to call downstairs, but I wouldn’t mind someone bringing me Doritos and a glass of red wine.

    • Goposaur

      Don’t let Primus in.. they’ll wreck the place.

      • mtn_philosoph

        Les Claypool LIBEL!!!

        Every person on the planet knows at least one Primus song, namely, the opening theme song for South Park.

  • MrBlobfish

    How old is Levi Pettit? Better late than never, I guess. The guy just to his left at the press conference is throwing some serious shade his way.

    • thepoliticalcat

      Whatever dear little Levi’s age, his very wealthy parents hired an expensive PR firm to create a website with that apology and then had the little shit read it live on TV. He’s about as sorry as the cat is when she’s caught a bird.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “shows leadership, frankly”

    Yeah, leading from behind maybe.

    • MOG253

      Well, now that we all agree he shouldn’t have made the trade, it’s okay for me to say so.

  • Mmm… I can’t wait to eat that mammoth.

    • NickDanger007

      Could found a fast food chain based on mammoths and eat them into extinction again.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Only slightly OT, but just wait until in vitro meat becomes a thing. Then we could hypothetically eat any endangered species we like!

      • Then we could hypothetically eat any endangered species we like!

        Or each other.

    • Biff52

      We can be the first to re-extinct them!

  • Mavenmaven

    Wanna see a wooly mammoth? Look at today’s Republican party.

    • Rabbit_Rebozo

      Wooly mammoths libelz!

  • Ikimizi

    Everyone Brian Kilmeade interviews seems smart.

  • beavertank

    I like to think no one is actually asking Mitt anything, he just keeps showing up in places and saying things.

    Like the Today Show thing. He wasn’t a scheduled guest, he just turned up in the green room, then insisted he was on next until the stage manager got sick of his tantrum and put him on.

    • Tallmutha

      He figures it’s like the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and he’s Bob Hope.

  • Lazy Media

    About the mammoth, oh yeah, “Ooh, aah,” that’s how it always starts. But then there’s running and screaming.

    • MOG253

      And the tripping of your neighbor so you can get away.

      • thepoliticalcat

        There’s a certain … viciousness to that remark. I like that about you.

        • MOG253

          Too old to be the fastest, but vicious is ageless. heh.

          • thepoliticalcat

            Deservedly. *sharpens fangs*

        • Biff52

          Did Mary Shelley teach us nothing?

          • thepoliticalcat

            Nuffink, I tellz ya, NUFFINK!!

            Or summat like that. How’s the foot, dude?

          • Biff52

            Foot is teh suck, thanks fer axing. Today I would have gladly given up bofum, gimme a pair like that Bladerunner murderer guy…

    • Hardly Ideal

      Eh, nothing a little terminal lysine dependency can’t fix, right?

  • MOG253

    “Even if he has been a close personal family friend all these years. Because if you think you’re embarrassed now, just wait until the kids these days start Googling all James Baker’s greatest hits. Then you’re really going to have some problems.”
    What kids would even be interested?????

  • Bren

    Bringing the Woolly Mammoth back would be a scary thought if Republicans believed in science. They could come up with the idea of bringing that other extinct fossil back…. The Woolly Ronnie.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Say, you know who else they might de-extinct?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I was never very enthusiastic about the phrase “James Baker, foreign policy genius,” which they have bandied about relentlessly for decades. Nonetheless, it’s amusing to see Jeb turn into a quivering tub of goo at the slightest hint of reality.

  • Rabbit_Rebozo

    In the Bush family the way to show ‘leadership’ is apparently to surround yourself with Daddy’s yes-men.

  • whitroth

    But the Bushes, and the GOP, loves Netanyahoo, because he’s as neofascist as they are.

    Oh, that’s right, the Bushes… that includes W’s grandfather, whose company was seized by the US government in 1942 for trading with the enemy (that’d be Nazi Germany). No, this isn’t made up, googling it is left as an exercise for the student.

    mark

    • thepoliticalcat

      I hope you’ll disabuse yourself of the notion that your fellow Wonketteers are your students.

      • whitroth

        a) Std. phrase. I take it you’ve never seen or heard it before?
        b) It was intended for trolls and other fools who are reading/posting to wonkette for a very small value of amusement. (And I think most of them get moderated….)

        • thepoliticalcat

          Not once in my youthful life, I assure you.

          Why, how generous of you! It’s not every Wonker who provides so thoughtfully for the trollish. Perhaps there’s a medal or decoration someone can rake up on your behalf.

          • Blank Ron

            How about one of those cakes we like?

  • Ergoetal

    “…surrounded by African-American community leaders at the Fairview Missionary Baptist Church here…”

    PHOTO OP! You’ve got a future, m’boy…
    .

  • Ducksworthy

    At least Jeb wouldn’t have used so much tongue. He’s smarter.

  • DahBoner

    I hear there’s rumors on the internets that Hillary can lick Bush.

    http://humor.beecy.net/politics/bushisms/internets/bush-internets.jpg

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