Mean Democrats: If Tom Cotton Wants To Sext With Iran, He Has To Pay For It Himself

Senate Democrats have a plan to punish and oppress Tom Cotton (R-Confederacy) and to take away his freedom to be a traitorous douche-canoe, and they're doing it by attacking his precious kitty cat letterhead. Monsters.

Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) filed an amendment to a budget bill that would prevent any member of Congress from procuring stationery if said stationery were to be used for very specific anti-government reasons:

Purpose: To establish a deficit-neutral reserve fund relating to prohibiting the purchase of stationary [sic] or electronic devices for the purpose of members of Congress or congressional staff communicating with foreign governments and undermining the role of the President as Head of State in international nuclear negotiations on behalf of the United States.

Foreign governments like, say, Iran maybe? Your middle school English teacher is grinding her teeth smooth at the wrong use of "stationary," but the sentiment is the same: Haha, eat a dick, Tom Cotton. No more letter writing for you. We'll be coming for your gel pens and Lisa Frank unicorn notebook next.

Cotton has been having one hell of a month, in which he went from a fart-mouthed pencil-necked hobbit dick to a fart-mouthed pencil-necked hobbit dick everybody hates. The guy was already infamous for trying to turn the US into North Korea (we appreciate the sentiment of imprisoning the Cheneys, but it's the method we reject) and for thinking that super-fun torture playgrounds don't get brown people mad (because 9/11, thank you very much). Now he's going to be known for all time for one little mistake of betraying the president of the United States to a hostile foreign power, like that's a crime or something! At least with his political career tanking, he can always fall back on his writing . Aw crap. DAMN YOU, STABENOW!

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[ Huffington Post ]