Just lay back and enjoy the bullshit

Oh hey there, Arizona, how are you being terrible this week? Trying to help poors by taking away their health care so they learn how to not be poor? Nah, that was weeks ago! This week, the Arizona House and Senate have passed a bill to restrict abortion — yes, again — that includes a creative amendment requiring abortion providers to inform their patients:

It may be possible to reverse the effects of a medication abortion if the woman changes her mind but that time is of the essence.

That’s in addition to the long list of unnecessary information doctors are already required to recite at least 24 hours before the procedure — like the “probable anatomical and physiological characteristics of the unborn child” and that “medical assistance benefits may be available for prenatal care, childbirth and neonatal care,” which is just too adorable since, would you believe it, the state is trying to get rid of that too! (See above re: trying to take away their health care. AHEM.)

So what could possibly be wrong with telling women it “may be possible” to undo their abortion when they leave the clinic full of regret for murdering their unborn baby, whose anatomical characteristics probably include body parts and everything? We already know how most women — and men! — regret their abortion and usually can’t even sue anyone over it, let alone get it reversed.

We’ll let Dr. Eric Reuss, from the Arizona Section of the American Congress of Obstetrics & Gynecology, explain:

There is absolutely no evidence-based data that the process can be reversed. If passed, our state government will force physicians to impart hearsay to their patients.

Oh. So it’s yet another example of “pro-life” legislators trying to write their science fiction fantasies into law. Sure wish we could say we were shocked and amazed, except that we see this happen All. The goddamned. Time.

The amendment is so absurd that even “pro-life” Republican Rep. Regina Cobb spoke in opposition:

She said administering high doses of the hormone progesterone to block the abortion pill’s effects has not been studied, and was worried lawmakers were adding unproven medical procedures to state law.

“We just don’t know the causes or what could happen after the medication has been given,” Cobb said.

Of course that didn’t stop her from voting for the bill anyway. Because babies! And ladies! And pro-life blah blah FART DERP UGHHHHHH!

The bill now heads to Doug Ducey, the new Republican governor who makes the last Republican governor look like a radical commie hippie liberal. He hasn’t yet said whether he will sign, but he sure hates abortion and ladies so, you know, probably.

Congratulations, Arizona Republicans, you should be real proud of yourselves for continuing your long-standing tradition of not caring whether the things you say and do have any basis whatsoever in reality.

[Cosmopolitan/Senate Bill 1318/Arizona Republic/Arizona Republic again]

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  • Nounverb911

    Arizona: It’s still a dry stupid.

    • jmk

      Which brings on the dry heaves.

    • FlownOver

      Arizona-Alabama-Kansas: the new Axis of Evil.

      • Querolous

        Arizona-Alabama-Kansas-Indiana: The Quadrilateral of Evil

  • weejee

    And executions can be reversed if they needle the wrong guy.

    Clearly, America has taken science behind the barn and put it down.

    • borninatrailer

      Keep fucking that science chicken.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Just like Galileo. He was a randy old chap, after all.

        • Jared James

          Just because “qualified people” have a “consensus” that facts are supported by empirically-gathered and peer-reviewed “evidence” doesn’t mean modern-day Galileos aren’t right that the world is flat, the center of the universe, and created in six 24-hour days. Something something religious persecution.

    • FlownOver

      Slander! Science went to live on a farm upstate where it can chase hypotheses all day.

  • ManchuCandidate

    The ‘Zona GOP

    Pro Regulation For:
    The Ghey

    Anti Regulation For:
    Everything Else.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    RINOs. If they were seriously pro-life, they’d mandate the message be delivered by Creepy Uncle Sam with a speculum.

    • Jared James

      Million dollar idea: bullhorn modified to look like a speculum. Marketed on the right websites (WND and CWFA come to mind) those things will fly off the shelves.

    • chicken thief

      RINOs – clearly. No repeal of ACORN funding or tax cuts included in the bill.

  • Wait until the trepanning industry hears about how gullible Arizona legislators are…

    • PubOption

      Drill baby, drill.

    • Captain Kraut

      How’s the market for bridges in Arizona?
      Asking for a friend…

      • Biff52

        London sold them that one.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Shorter Arizona lege: we’re not doctors, but we’ve seen one on TV.

    • KinkyReggae

      Or they stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

      • Biff52

        And Doc Holliday lived in Aridzona too. Coinkydink?

  • Lizzietish81

    I heard that using Vampire Blood, your hymen can be regrown.

  • chicken thief

    If Doug Ducey won’t sign the bill then his morning show partner Bob Killemeade will.

  • Callyson

    the long list of unnecessary information doctors are already required to recite at least 24 hours before the procedure — like the “probable anatomical and physiological characteristics of the unborn child” and that “medical assistance benefits may be available for prenatal care, childbirth and neonatal care”

    Oh, if I were a doctor in Arizona…

    “Then again, this is the Grand Canyon State, so you’ll be lucky if they don’t impose a surcharge on you for not having a six figure health savings account for this purpose. Oh, and you’re on your own for the next 18+ years, also, too. By the way, you’re not unmarried, are you? Because the wingnuts in this state just might try to make single motherhood a felony soon…”–Acvng_Yq–/to0nat1r2ig3xgfay5ke.gif

  • dslindc

    Maybe they can put that “Cinnamon cures diabeetus” crap Mike Huck(ster)abee has been selling into the law also too!

  • topjob66t

    As Randi Rhoades was fond of saying about Arizona: “It’s a dry heat but so is flame from a blow torch.” And those AZ legislators are in flames. Twat farters every one of them.

  • stankbait

    When the white old men of Arizona were told that the White people would soon become a minority their reaction was disbelief. Their belief remains they will always be white. They will never be black or Mexican. Everyone knows those are the real minorities. That and womens and the gays.

    • Captain Kraut

      Wow, I’ve never seen this as the cognitive dissonance it really is, now it all makes a -certain- sense. And it’s even true, *they* will always be white!

      • Blank Ron

        Not always. At some point they’ll be turning green for a while, then a kind of greyish colour, before they vanish completely.

  • chicken thief

    God damn, that’s some dumb shit right there.

  • SnarkOff

    For all the time and energy the GOP spends fighting abortion, you’d think that there was literally nothing else going on in this country besides 24/7 unprotected sex.

    • I sincerely apologize for giving them that impression.

    • MrBlobfish

      Don’t forget the gays. I hear they’re not to fond of them.

      • Biff52

        I don’t get this part at all, since teh gheys don’t require abortions much.

        • Baby_Raptor

          That’s the problem. All those sluts having sex without having to worry about the consequences.

    • Captain Kraut

      Way to see a silver lining, I suppose.

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    “medical assistance benefits may be available for prenatal care, childbirth and neonatal care,”
    …next door in California.

    • jmk

      Exactly. The assistance provided by Arizona is limited to posting directions to the bus station.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    I don’t know how this slipped into the text before it got out of committee: All abortions shall be subject to extensive review on the Gamergate message boards.

  • whatwhomever

    Could they make doctors lie about the health effects of smoking? I’ve wanted to start smoking again but it’s too unhealthy. If making doctors lie about something makes it true, then that would be great.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      My doctor recommended Chesterfields for my T-zone.

      • Blank Ron

        My father loved Chesterfields – he’d buy cartons of them to take home when we visited the US. I always assumed they were called Chesterfields because they smelled like burning furniture…

    • chicken thief

      I keep thinking any day now they will start denying the science of cancer research and start railing agin the gubmint oppression of denying real ‘Merikuns the right to smoke everywhere.

    • laineypc

      Sorry I don’t know how to do that linky condensy thing. I am middly-aged and that is how I know that doctors did lie about it.

      • SterWonk

        <a href=”URL”>Text you want to show up</a>

  • Callyson

    By the way:

    Poverty Map


    State Ranking / Ranking estatal de la pobreza: 42
    Overall Poverty Rate / Tasa de pobreza general: 18.6
    Deep Poverty Rate / Tasa de pobreza extrema: 8.9
    Child Poverty Rate (under 17) / Tasa de pobreza infantil: 26.5
    Senior Poverty Rate (65+) / Tasa de pobreza de los mayores de edad: 8.9
    Poverty Rate for People with Disabilities / Tasa de pobreza de los discapacitados: 22
    Poverty Rate for Women / Tasa de pobreza de las mujeres: 19.8
    Poverty Rate for Men / Tasa de pobreza de varones: 17.4

    Just another day in the “pro – life” world…

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    10 It’s a dry derp
    20 goto 10

  • Anarchy Pony

    I reject reality and substitute my own.

    • SterWonk

      Adam Savage LIBEL!

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Who would have thought that I would miss ol’ Governor Cryptkeeper Brewer? At least she refused to sign the “Fuck The Gheys” bill (although mainly because the NFL threatened to pull the Superb Owl out of AZ).

    • Viva La Tabula Raza

      Yeah, but she signed that “Show Your Papers” with no qualms, since the brown people haven’t got the economic leverage that the NFL does.

  • Bill Slider

    Arizona, Indiana. Kansas, always Kansas, how in the hell is an East Coast commie liberal Democrat suppose to be able to tell these square states, crooked states, always very crooked states, even the square ones, apart, when it comes to their social policies and practices?

    I know. It’s the heartland, but this country suffers from an ever increasing enlarged heart. Buy stock in companies that make fences, as soon we will need to fence a couple of dozen of them. Voting would help too. Then, we need to change the law that refers to the races as if they were crayons in a box. Everyone would be white, whether they be dark white or light white. That’ll confuse the Tea Party for awhile.

    • Captain Kraut

      What puzzles this old worlder is how you stick with an arguably outdated voting system when it has such manifestly un-democratic results nowadays.
      I know the stalinist hippies over here in europe did their best to make a merry mess of the dictatorship of the proletariat, but why does the numeric majority in the US tolerate this dictatorship of the agricultariat?
      If half a million people send as many delegates as 50 million, something seems off, and I’m not even good at math.

      • SmokinGood

        Changing the system requires a super-majority (2/3) in both houses of congress, and then a super-duper-majority of state legislatures (3/4) to ratify the changes….

        In other words, it’s functionally impossible to change.

        • 18th and 21st amendments? They changed it and changed it back within 15 years.

          • Captain Kraut

            Considering the 27th amendment took a good 202 years to ratify, you better get started.

        • Bill Slider

          Yes, and the GOP treats their Bible and their Constitution like they do The Country Buffet: All you can eat, but only those things they like.

      • chicken thief

        We’re educated in American schools – we aren’t good at math either. Or geography, or science, or….

      • Bill Slider

        Yes, our governmental system has serious problems and amending our Constitution is tedious. But, as of today we manage to function, though barely, as one country. To open our Constitution to a constitutional convention and rewrite it runs a serious risk of returning us to 15th, or 16th, century Europe. The crazies would push for an official language, an official religion, stripping the federal goverment of most of its current powers, besides fighting wars, and that would be the sole use of federal taxation. Everything else would be market driven and market regulated, which means not at all. Muslims would be deported or killed, gays would be locked up or killed. 12 million foreigners in this country without proper papers would be deported. Public schools would be closed, as everything students need to lean is in the Christian Bible and can best be taught at home, since women would no longer be allowed to work or drive. The UN would be banished from our soil and we would drop our membership. In twenty years we would make the Middle East look progressive and they would be jealous of us. If Muslims pray 4 times a day, we would pray 6 times. The Bible and the combustion engine would rule. Pestulance and plague would greatly increase, and we would await the return of white Jesus.

        • Blank Ron

          But enough about what’s happening today; what do you see in America’s future?

          • Bill Slider

            What future? The Republican clown car transmission is stuck in reverse. America’s future is in South America, not North America. I need to improve my Spanish and move.

          • Blank Ron

            You might want to tale Portuguese as a minor, also, too.

          • Bill Slider

            Anything I do in Brazil will not involve talking.

  • Mavenmaven

    truth is something the right wing likes to believe they can reverse

    • Blank Ron

      You’re presupposing they can recognise it when they see it.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The important thing, always, with this particular issue, is to punish the sluts for their sexytime.

    • chicken thief

      Damn straight! And I think I might have a plan…. just spitballin’ here but what if we require sluts that want abortions to serve a period of time doing boarder security first. After they have 50, or whatevz number we come up with, confirmed kills of ill-eagle ISIS Ebola carrying messicans crossing the border, then maybe they can get their ‘bortion. But NO PROMISES!!!

      • Blank Ron

        Jeez, CT, why did you say that? If one of those nutjobs is reading this they’re prolly thinking ‘Hey, now, I think he’s onto something. Somebody turn this into legalese, stat!’

  • whitroth

    I resent your suggestion that this is the legislators’ “science fiction ideas”. This isn’t science fiction, it isn’t even fantasy (no science fiction or fantasy writer would come up with such idiocy) – it’s monster movie “fiction”….

    And I want to see them *prove* they’re “pro-life”:increase the state taxes, and provide 100% of pre-natal, childbirth, and postnatal medical care for the woman and child, and guarantee that the kid gets 18 years of free healthcare, and pay child support to the mom, so she can afford housing and food, if the woman doesn’t abort….


    • chicken thief

      They’d prefer to give the newborns little tiny bootstraps. You know, to prevent them from becoming life time moochers.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        You mean like Swanson heirs Tuck and Buck?

      • Rabbit_Rebozo

        On the other hand, Arizona might be amenable to providing the newborns with their own personal handguns, because Arizona.

  • Me not sure

    “I also must remind you that undoing an abortion requires me to insert my penis into your vagina. It takes just a minute and you won’t feel a thing.”

    • Biff52

      Then there’s the whole resetting of the gestational clock again, shouldn’t be too inconvenient…

      • Me not sure

        …for me.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      “takes just a minute and you won’t feel a thing”

      a.k.a. “Sex with a Republican.”

      • Me not sure

        Elephantine in name only.

  • SmokinGood

    Good to see the GOP hard at work keeping pointless government regulation out of my exam room.

    And my parents still don’t get why the answer to “Are you looking for jobs back here in Arizona?” is an immediate flat “No. I am not.”

    • laineypc

      “Good to see the GOP hard at work keeping pointless government regulation out of my exam room.”
      You forgot “science-free”

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    What does the AMA have to say about this? Don’t they have an ethics committee or something? I’m pretty sure if the legislation said that Dr’s had to tell gallbladder patients. “Your gallbladder has feels, also we can put it back if you change your mind” the physician response would be ” no, nope, ain’t gonna, you can’t make me”

    • Baby_Raptor

      My gallbladder had feels. It felt so much pain that I was throwing up in the ER.

      No way in hell was I going to refuse to get that thing removed. Put it back in? Kill me first.

  • Baby_Raptor

    Liars for Jesus pissing on their own holy book again.

  • Zippy

    I warned everyone that it wouldn’t be long until everybody was pining for good old Jan. We’ve gone from bad to worse and there’s no end in sight for the batshitcrazy.

  • TootsStansbury

    What’s next? Will driving affect our uteri? We can no longer conduct business unless there is s man involved? Just what does that shit sound like?

  • Bitter Scribe

    What? No “having an abortion will make you burn in hell for all eternity”?


  • Incoming Ham

    Nolites te bastardes carborundorum . Points for anyone who gets the reference.

    • H0mer0

      I saw this (in English) in my stoner comic books when Fat Freddy passed out and upon awakening, saw his comic book collection in pieces and blamed his ginger cat and feline nephews. In ramping up his rage, started spewing Biblical verses including “Let there be none to extend mercy to his bastard children…” but my ex took the Biblical concordance (as if I was using it other than to answer questions like these) so I’ll have to use the non denominational google to look it up. Do I get partial credit?

      • H0mer0

        non sequitur so I deleted it; talk amongst yourselves…

      • Incoming Ham

        Partial – I was referring to “The Handmade’s Tale” in which the lead character keeps seeing the phrase written in various places. “Don’t let the bastards grind you down.”

        • H0mer0

          I lose a lot in translation—story of my life :(

  • HarryButtle

    I’ve gotta get out of this dumbfuck hellhole.

  • DahBoner

    True fact: The Nazi head of propaganda Joseph Goebbels and his wife both committed suicide and murdered their six children when the Nazi regime collapsed.

    Maybe they should have bought a nice place in Arizona, instead?

    • jamsie

      I don’t think Magda and Joe could take the high heat in Arizona.

      Since you brought it up, I think every person who voted for that ridiculous bill should commit suicide. They’re nothing but human wastes of space so nothing much will be lost.

  • JParkerSD46

    Holy crap! Now it’s a three-way, and not the good kind, for which state will out-do the others for craziest, stupidest, OMG-they-actually-did-that stuff in all the land. Texas, you’d better step up your game or Colorado and Arizona are going to make you look like a bastion of progress thought.

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