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Thank you for not facing the camera, you Luigi the Plumber-looking motherfucker.

Today, Canadian anchor babby Ted Cruz, the señor senator from Texas, launched his campaign to be the Jesus-Humper-in-Chief of these Jesus States of America. In case anyone was unsure of which Americans Cruz was really speaking to, he chose as the site of his speech Liberty University, the evangelical Christian school founded by Jerry Falwell in Lynchburg, Virginia. No better way to show your commitment to the diverse religious masses that populate our nation than that!

Cruz’s speechwriter must be a John Lennon fan. The senator kept asking us to imagine this or that. Imagine a teenager in Cuba fighting Batista and then fleeing to the United States, where he washed dishes and later became an evangelical lunatic. Imagine a poor girl in Delaware overcoming her terrible childhood to become the first woman in her family to go to college, and then become a renowned computer programmer in the 1950s and 1960s. (Subdued applause from the evangelical crowd for that one.) Imagine a couple who drank too much, but then the father “gave his life to Jesus Christ. And God transformed his heart.” And now in his old age he doesn’t ever need to see a cardiologist or watch his cholesterol.

Imagine how many cups of coffee Wonkette’s Los Angeles bureau needed to get up at 7 A.M. to listen to this fakakta crap.

Then it was onto the laundry list of wingnut ideas for government that every two-bit televangelist huckster-cum­­-politician has been rolling out for years. Imagine a flat tax so you can fill out your returns on a postcard. Imagine abolishing the IRS, says Ted Cruz, who we think has no idea what function the IRS actually serves. Imagine the private sector creating millions and millions of jobs. Imagine a president signing legislation repealing every word of Obamacare. This line got the loudest and longest cheer of the speech from this crowd of entitled college twits who, thanks to Obamacare, can stay on their parents’ insurance until they are 26 on the off-chance that Jesus doesn’t create those millions of jobs Ted Cruz is promising them.

Cruz also wants to repeal every word of Common Core, which is not an actual law passed by Congress, but rather, a set of goals and guidelines developed by the states and endorsed by the Department of Education. He is also very concerned with every American child getting a quality education, whether in a public school, or private, or charter, or Christian, or parochial, or home school. What about madrasas? Um …

Cruz also asked his audience to imagine a president who does not disrespect Bibi Netanyahu and “stands unapologetically with the nation of Israel!” This also gets loud, long cheers from this crowd of evangelicals who need Israel to exist to serve as the Playmate of the Month in their eschatonic sex fantasies. Vote for Ted Cruz: He promises Armageddon and the fulfillment of the end times prophecies! This will play so well outside of Lynchburg.

Then we got this: “Text the word Constitution to 33733.” Ah yes, here is the grift, the sale, the building of the phone list he can use to solicit campaign donations, and also rent to right-wing organizations for piles of money while they turn around and beg for more money. Cool scheme. Ted Cruz is going to be fabulously wealthy, and evangelicals are going to be poorer and once again disappointed that they can’t live in a Christian theocracy. Well, we never said this guy was stupid, just an asshole.

Then Cruz rolls out his wife Heidi, wearing an unthreatening pink suit – what, no pillbox hat to give everyone PTSD flashbacks? – and his two little daughters, who unenthusiastically wave American flags and look as if they’d rather be watching Dora the Explorer. Hell, yr Wonkette would rather be watching Dora the Explorer right now. Mr. and Mrs. Cruz do that insincere smile-and-wave-to-the-cheering-throngs thing that all political couples must practice at home in lieu of doing anything interesting like watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt or practicing other positions besides missionary.

Late Sunday night Cruz also rolled out his campaign website, which he does not manage to plug in the speech, probably because it looks like it was slapped together by a student in a mid-level Learning Annex coding class. The student appears to have forgotten (or more likely was too dumb to know about it) to throw in a Secure Sockets Layer certificate, which is that little part of a website that encrypts data like, say, your bank account number. (We’re sure pointing this out is a conspiracy of the liberal mainstream media, which hates Christians.) So careful if you want to donate money online to Cruz’s campaign, what with his website mechanism for it not being secure and all.

When you see a globe, put your wallet back in your chastity pants.

Though come to think of it, maybe being able to suck money directly out of your bank account without you realizing it is part of Cruz’s grift. You should give to Wonkette instead, we’ll at least redirect you to a secure PayPal page.

To sum up: An evangelical huckster is running for president and will be lucky to last past Iowa. But since that’s a year away, imagine how much head-hitting-desk fun we’re all going to have listening to him before then.

[C-Span]

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  • Morsum me

    If I were more of a cynical jerk, I’d post “Sen. Rafael Edward Cruz” every time I mentioned this dipshit, sort of like “Barack Hussein Obama”.

  • Nounverb911

    All together now:

    WHERE’S HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE!
    WHERE’S HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE!
    WHERE’S HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

    • dave.lefevre

      He says things they like. The Birth Certificate issue is therefore irrelevant.

      • miss_grundy

        Not to me.

    • JustPixelz

      According to legal scholars like Orly Taitz and Donald Trump, the place of birth is irrelevant. Because Cruz has a foreign born father, he is not a citizen.

      Birthers also like (liked? past tense) to say the law that defined citizenship in terms of parentage does not overrule the Constitutional requirement the President be “natural born”.

      • nothingisamiss

        I can’t wait (yes I can) to hear how they justify this to themselves. “It’s different, he’s white.”

    • weejee

      WHERE’S HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

      Winnipeg?

      • Nounverb911

        That’s a suburb of Nairobi, eh?

  • dave.lefevre

    Ted Cruz continuously yells “LOOK, A SQUIRREL” as he picks the pockets of his idiot followers.

    • JohnBull

      Too late. Glen Beck’s already fleeced ’em all. This is why people really don’t need to put up with their right-wing relatives; there’s no will left.

  • whatwhomever

    I really like the stock video youtube commercial. My favorite part is the little girl walking on the beach; the brief clip looks like she’s walking in oily sludge, which is something I’m assuming Cruz would like to see more of.

  • Leota2

    They told the students there’d be food.

    • JustPixelz

      Actually, attendance was mandatory for “Liberty” students.

      UPDATE: Students would be fined if they didn’t attend. Say, you know who else fines people if they don’t participate.

      • Leota2

        Ya gotta love their definition—huh?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength.

        These ARE the people Orwell was talking about.

        • Vern Perney

          Si!

  • formerChild

    Sarah Palin bragged about going to Canada to use their socialized
    medicine. One wonders if perhaps she might have borne a child at a very
    early age, and given it up for adoption to a nice, nutty Cuban immigrant
    family.

  • JustPixelz

    Cruz also asked his audience to imagine a president who does not disrespect Bibi Netanyahu and “stands unapologetically with the nation of Israel!”

    Imagine an Israeli Prime Minister who is not encouraged by Ted Cruz to disrespect our President. Imagine that Prime Minister doesn’t poke his finger in our eye by refusing to stop building on disputed land. Imagine a President who channels Netanyahu by warning about hordes of black voters.

    • Vern Perney

      Imagine a president who does not start wars at the behest of foreign prime ministers.

  • cousin itt

    What about a moon base? Why doesn’t Ted Cruz care about how the North Koreans are going to blow up the Moon?

    • Zippy

      Your move,Newt

    • weejee

      Because Ted is a closet Moonie?

      / pass it on

      • bikerlaureate

        Yeah, I read that on the interweb!

  • Nounverb911

    “Imagine a teenager in Cuba fighting Batista”
    And fighting for Fidel?

    • weejee

      ♪ Che, Che, Che, Cruz is a fool ♪

    • miss_grundy

      I don’t think his followers realized that if you fought against Batista, you were fighting for the Bearded One, who turned out to be a Marxist-Leninist.

    • Sheepshagger

      First you get the money. Then the power. And then you fuck the chicken.

  • whatwhomever

    In terms of actually becoming president, the Cruz campaign will be a hilarious failure. In terms of profitable grifting, it will be a fabulous success.

    • nothingisamiss

      There’s a lot to be learned from Sarah Palin.

    • AnOuthouse

      Ka ching in 2016!

  • RoyalUglyDude

    I like the little flame logo next to his name. It’s like he’s setting the world on fire.

  • Zippy

    I imagine this story being combined with the Florida story and Ted Cruz being eaten by a giant shark while Robert Shaw sings farewell and adieu

    • Nounverb911

      “We’re going to need a bigger clown boat”.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I’d rather imagine no religion, as in the original.

  • dslindc

    I will be sure to visit that website and get on board just as soon as I get that lobotomy.

  • calliecallie

    “Imagine how many cups of coffee Wonkette’s Los Angeles bureau needed to get up at 7 A.M. to listen to this fakakta crap.”
    AOT,K?

    • JustPixelz

      HA HA. There is no such thing as 7am. You can’t fool me.

    • ThatDale

      Only one. After that it was straight to the bourbon.

      • major_asshole

        When the speechifying ran past 9:04 am (Central time), I cracked open the vodka. If there had been a drinking game along the lines of “one shot for every point Teddy gets wrong,” I’d be passed out.

    • miss_grundy

      Thank you for making me laugh so hard, my eyes were tearing up, Fakakta is what this campaign is all about. And when did we change the Constitution so that foreigners could run for President?

  • ManchuCandidate

    Imagine there’s no Tea Party. It’s easy if you try.
    No Ted Cruz or Bachmann to vote for. Above us only sky…

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Imagine all the people, listening to the science. Oooo-hoooo!

  • chicken thief

    “Text the word Constitution to 33733.”

    Ya, right, Ted. Clearly your handlers haven’t a clue about the spelling skills of your base.

    • Lizzietish81

      Maybe we should just send “Con”

    • Zippy

      “Consta… Konsti… Constitushu….

      Fuck it, just take my whole wallet, Ted”

    • AnOuthouse

      Text ‘blow me asshole’ to 33733 and you’ll still be on the cell phone list Ted is selling to the other campaigns.

  • Callyson

    Since I can’t handle listening to Ted Cruz’ voice, from the LA Times’ coverage:

    Cruz called on “courageous conservatives” to join him

    Because “compassionate conservatives” is such a 2000’s term…

    Republican strategists worry the senator’s entry into the presidential race, like his short time in Congress, will push the party too far to the right for mainstream political tastes.

    Yeah, I think that after losing the popular vote in five of the last six Presidential elections means that this has already happened, buddy…

    • major_asshole

      I think he used “courageous conservatives” something like eighty-three times in that whole speech because it fits into his narrative. It’s “courageous” to go against Washington and vote for him. It’s “courageous” to stand up for theocratic nonsense.

      Just like it was suddenly the highest form of patriotism to dissent against the government starting on 20 January 2009. Dissent prior to that date? What, were you a terr’ist?

  • whatwhomever

    One thing that particularly annoys me with regard to the presidential campaign – why is every floppy-shoeed, rainbow-wigged killer clown that springs from the Republican presidential clown car treated as a serious contender entitled to endless analysis by the “liberal” media, while anyone on the Democratic side outside of Clinton and perhaps Warren (who isn’t going to run) gets barely a mention (cough, Bernie Sanders, cough).

    • Amy!

      Martin O’Malley is getting (some) attention. I’d vote fer ‘im; he seems more reliably progressive than Hillz.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    I’m pretty sure, even with a flat tax, independent contractors won’t be able to fill out their taxes on a postcard. But I did like how he used inspirational words of past Presidents like “We have nothing to fear but fear itself” and “I will slash the top marginal tax rate.”

    • Zippy

      Why can’t we just have a simplified progressive tax that you fill out on a postcard?

      • Amy!

        “Which percentile of income are you in? Subtract 25. Send the result, as a percent of your income, to the gummint.”

        :-)

        • Blank Ron

          I always loved Mad Magazine’s simplified 1040 form, way back in the 60s I think:

          Line 1: How much did you make last year?
          Line 2: How much do you have left?
          Line 3: Send that.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Ted’s plan is even simpler than that. With no IRS, there’s no reason to pay any taxes at all and that postcard will be marked return to sender, that addressee does not live here anymore.

        • Zippy

          hey Republicans, good luck paying for all those wars you love so much with no IRS

          • Logic of Color

            Silly Zippy. Don’t you know that when a republican is president monies just happen things? All accountings blue and otherwise spectral, then just balance it. Simple!

          • Villago Delenda Est

            The deserting coward just put his Great Mesopotamian Adventure “off budget” for his successors (and their grandchildren) to deal with.

        • Viva La Tabula Raza

          And after he shuts down that horrible “government agency” the USPS, you’ll have to pay Fedex 30 bucks to deliver that postcard. Free Market!!!

          • Whollyholeyholy

            $130 if you live in a flyover state.

      • AnOuthouse

        Since almost everything is already reported to the IRS, why can’t they just send me a bill? No postcards involved at all?

  • JustPixelz

    I, for one, do not welcome our Canadian overlord.

  • JohnBull

    “Imagine a country where assholes, liars, and sociopaths aren’t lining up to become president for the sole purpose of making life as miserable as possible for you young people,” said Cruz in a fleeting moment of honesty. Damn teleprompters.

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    This is going to be fucking AWESOME!

  • Zippy
    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Splash, over!”

    • major_asshole

      His nose actually sticks out from my monitor by a good three inches. And it takes so many paper towels to wipe up all the smugness…

  • Joshua Norton

    I predict that when Ted throws in the towel there will be a new word “Cruz” that means “train wreck squared”.

    • zerosumgame0005

      time for Dan Savage to do his good work and get Google to respond to and query about Rafael as “snot dripping from the nose of a wombat” or something more disgusting :)

    • FauxAntocles

      Like a Cruz missile, only bigger.

      • weejee

        wut?

  • Lizzietish81

    This reminds me of a fireworks show I went to where they were playing all this right wing pro war crap.

    And then Imagine.

    Because clearly they haven’t listened to it.

    Eta; and they did this like two years in a row (at least)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVg2EJvvlF8

    • hornheat

      Oh no they didn’t! Really?

      • Lizzietish81

        I only went one year, but my dad went the previous year and was laughing about it.

        It was a pretty good display just…full of stupid music.

        But ok, please choose this as a campaign song Ted, I would love to see Yoko suppressing a chortle as she reaches for the royalty check.

        • Zippy

          The Ballad of Ted and Yoko

          • MilwaukeeKent

            Of Ted and Yokels.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          You assume that Rafael is like Democrats, in that he’d ask permission ahead of time and include the royalty check in that request.

          No, I think he’s going to follow the standard Rethuglican pattern of playing the music first and dealing with the outraged artists later.

    • hornheat

      Which is a lot like when Senator Rafael Edward Cruz read Dr. Seuss on the senate floor. If he had a clue about Ted Geisel he never would let his kids read any of his books.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        What was worse is that he totally missed the point of the story! That in the end, the protagonist eats the green eggs and ham, and likes it!

        I got this when I first read it when I was five!

    • Logic of Color

      “they were playing all this right wing pro war crap” Are you sure you weren’t watching a superbowl sportsgame broadcast? Those things can get ridiculous.

    • Steverino247

      I can’t get enough of that song. Thanks.

  • smashedinhat

    I wish he’d show us his dark side. All this love and bonhomie is a tad, unsatisfying.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Ted Cruz’s inability to put forth any policy idea that isn’t purely imaginary just underscores Pete King’s characterization of Cruz’s faction of the Republican Party as the “delusional wing.”

    • hornheat

      Which is scary when you think about it, which I’m going to now try not to do.

  • “You may say I’m a DREAMer, but I’m not the only one…”

  • Wild Cat

    Sad to say, but this Derek Boogaard karma is a bitch, yo.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Cheer up. Maybe you’ll like a war with Iran.

  • chicken thief

    Pffft. He doesn’t even have a car elevator.

    • TheBidenator

      I don’t see a dog on the car roof either…yet. I can’t wait to find out which bizarre shit comes forward regarding this professional, dictionary definition of an assclown…

  • Rotational Symmetry

    That video looks like it was produced by Weekend S. Photo.

    • Steverino247

      Weekend S. Photo Libel!!!!

  • Tendernob

    “The stars at night / are big and bright / deep in the heart of Batshit.”
    #TedCruzCampaignSlogans

    • Vern Perney

      Love it!

  • FauxAntocles

    What’s that wire in the back of his head? Don’t the Koch-heads trust him to speak for himself?

  • Mavenmaven

    Wow, his site is just full of gibberish: And ensuring every child is born into a home with a loving family provides the best chance for that child to achieve anything…. which is why he:
    Successfully defended in federal court Texas’s Rider 8, which prohibits state funds for groups that provide abortions, etc.
    Because an unwanted child will certainly be raised by a loving family.

  • fawkedifiknow

    “I’m a gonna take you on a Tea Cruz”! Apologies to Frankie Ford.

    • MrBlobfish

      ooh wee

  • Vern Perney

    Scary version? Teddy can win the nomination. He’s smarter than the competition, and, yes the republican base is just that crazy.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Should Rafael win the nomination, the general is going to make Johnson/Goldwater look like a squeaker.

  • After President Cruz is inaugurated, he’ll annex Alberta as the 51st state, so we’ll finally lay off calling him a Canadian. Albertans would most likely cling to the Republicans, so that would be another 8 electoral votes for his 2020 campaign.

    Even more helpful to Cruz’s reëlection would be the exit from the Union of all the states with mean IQs over 80, which would leave Cruz about nine states to rule over. I imagine the new capital would be in Wichita, which is central to both Idaho and Mississippi.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Clever of him to lock down the Florida vote by giving them a place to migrate, not that rising sea levels and a warming climate are things that exist.

  • MrBlobfish

    That logo of his, is that a tear of Wonkette laughter or the flame he will torch the Constitution with?

    • Nounverb911

      AOT,K

    • Gleem-McShinez

      So it’s not stylized trucknutz then?

  • himynameisjay

    tedcruz.com
    tedcruzforamerica.com
    LOL.

    • fgbndslndr

      Nice work.

  • chicken thief

    When Ted brings Jesus to the White House think he’ll let Him stay in the Lincoln Room or make Him sleep out back in a manger so He feels more at home?

  • Adrian

    “I can see the US from my front lawn.”
    ~Ted Cruz

  • PsycWench

    “Hell, yr Wonkette would rather be watching Dora the Explorer right now.”
    I would like to impress upon the non-parents just how damning this statement is.

    • SterWonk

      I was subjected to Dora for the first time over this past New Year’s, courtesy of my nephew. Oy vey…

    • jmk

      Oddly enough, I often feel the need to echo Dora and shout “Swiper, no swiping!” every time I look at Ted Cruz.

      • SpideySenser

        How do you do it? I mean, look at him? I just can’t.

        • jmk

          Using ujjayi breathing learned through years of yoga practice.

    • MrBlobfish

      Ahem. Dora La Exploradora.

  • Joshua Norton

    Ted Cruz and Penelope Cruz have 2 things in common: They both have the same last name and neither will be our next President.

    • chicken thief

      Three! I’d fuck them both – Penelope with my massive (hey, this is my story, mkay?) peen and Ted with a rusty chain saw. Sideways. With a Tool Time Tim Allen rebuild kit on it.

      • Antonin Dvorak

        Ah, the old Buford Binford 6000 series chainsaw, don’t make them like that anymore.

        Edited for accuracy.

      • Virginia Dreaming

        You must really hate that chainsaw.

    • TheBidenator

      Also Penelope has nice tits and Ted Cruz is a stupid, whiny tit….

  • Spotts1701

    Um, are we sure this isn’t a pilot for another reboot of “The Dead Zone”?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Needz moar cowbell.

  • SecludedCompound

    Jeez, talk about your Luigi Libel…

  • Mehmeisterjr

    So what you’re saying is that by overlooking a basic security step, all of the Koch brothers’ financial info is in the hands of eastern european mobsters and North Korea? Interesting first step. This might throw a wrench in the whole grifting operation.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    The first clown out of the car! Glad he announced at Liberty U, where they manufacture some of the best opiates.

  • Bill Slider

    Since the family name is also a missile, can we just call him Scud for short?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Rafael E. Cruz, scud stud!

      More like scud dud….

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Text Constitution to FERDE? DERFF? DePEE?

    • Land Shark

      I go with DERFF

  • FeloniousMonk

    That SSL thing? If you scroll down that page a little, you’ll find the following. He does want your name, address and email in clear, but the payment page is probably secure. Plenty of other things to point and laugh about, but over-egging the pudding should probably be avoided.

    • Snertly

      Sure, let’s just trust Ted Cruz to get it right before it becomes critical.

      By the by, Mr Cruz was also instrumental in that little ol’ government shutdown over raising the debt ceiling thing.

    • Devolutionist
      • FeloniousMonk

        Indeed. I was just trying to suggest that avoiding having to make corrections like Vox’s is a good idea. Also not having a cruel person make a screenshot of the donations page people should visit with a red “oops” and an arrow pointing at the little globe.

  • AnOuthouse

    That Canukistani is even less coherent than our own Snowbilly. Must be something in the water north of the 49th parallel.

    • Blank Ron

      Runoff from the tar sands, I’m guessing.

  • AnOuthouse

    What’s with the red white and blue Muslin symbol on Ted’s site?
    Al Jazeera:

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It’s a teardrop – and I think it’s perfectly conveys the message that America cries at the thought of this nincompoop being a “serious” preznidential candidate.

    • Tio_Doidinho

      If I had to guess, a shoutout to the “holy spirit”. Or the natural gas industry. One or the other.

    • sw19womble

      Deformed maple leaf :(

    • Steverino247

      No. It’s a candle flame. God is bringing fire next time. The rainbow is His promise not to drown us.

      I’m not making that shit up. I was actually taught that as a child.

      • VirginiaLady

        Me too. God may not have been fibbing. What if we all get zapped by God before we flood the planet? He has got to be pretty pissed off at humanity by now, and has unlimited lightening to smite the lying liars who lie. All others will be raptured of course. Hey it could happen.

      • PubOption

        The rainbow is His promise not to drown the gays?

        • Steverino247

          Ha! Good one.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Some say the world will end in fire…some say in ice.

        Quick! Get George R.R. Martin on the phone!

      • mtn_philosoph

        Yeah, well…

    • Lizzietish81

      Make a Breitbart account right now and post this!

  • Bobo Yeats Druid-Jones VIII

    He hated government so much, he spent most of his life working in it. And now he wants to lead it. What a complex, multi-layered power-hungry megolomaniac, taylor-made for the traveling carnival called the Republican Primaries. Something tells me this star debater is in for a rude awakening. Loving the sound of your own voice isn’t the same thing as making sense, or impressing people.

  • TheBidenator

    GRRR that face and that voice fill me with so much rage!..must…go…punch…something and NOT with votes! RRRRRRR!!!!!

  • Mary Sandoras

    The only real interest Cruz has displayed thus far has not been towards a presidency but geared more to being king of the evangelicals. Most of his appearances have been before evangelical groups. Cruz is radical and what easier group to radicalize than the evangelicals.

    Watch your backs Tony Perkins, Bryan Fischer, Scott Lively, Cruz wants to be top dog.

  • Enfant Terrible

    Please consult your doctor if your orgasms last more than four hours.

    • HereForDaComments

      This one will last until late next year.

  • Me not sure

    The image in my minds’s eye after reading that headline has me soooo turned on. Whoops, now I’m crying too.

    • Cindyinencinitas

      If you cry during your orgasm does that make you a tear jerker?

  • Why is nobody talking about the fact that student attendance at his big speech about liberty was mandatory?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I’ve talked about it!

    • Virginia Dreaming

      Is that what he means by freedom?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        The Freedom to attend the Partei rally on your dime, on your time, with no compensation. And by “freedom” we mean “mandatory requirement”.

    • JustPixelz

      Leota2 • 3 hours ago
      They told the students there’d be food.

      Followed by some comments about mandatory liberty.

      But the best part is that the students would be fined if they didn’t attend. Obamacare irony meter just pegged the needle.

      • SoSezYou

        Good idea with the grub. I would say they figured would reduce stomach indigestion by feeding them AFTER the speech. Otherwise, Cruz would perform the miracle of liquefying their stomach contents with his speech….

    • SoSezYou

      Mandatory is probably how they do everything at Liberty U.

      • Land Shark

        I thought it was missionary only at Liberty U.

        • Razor’s Edge

          Dry hump clothes on sticky underwear missionary maybe….

          • mtn_philosoph

            The Mandatory is the largest residence hall in the Grabass Quad.

    • Skippy2000

      Or that Va Gov Terry McAuliffe had ta gig previously booked there??? WF??

  • Guest

    REPEAL COMMONS CORE!!1

    • Are you trying to summon Akira Bear?

  • Virginia Dreaming

    The only way for Cruz to be president is if we repeal common sense.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The teahadists are on it!

  • iyamtoo

    http://www.tedcruz.com
    This is a goodie nugget

    • Virginia Dreaming

      That is some superior trolling!

      • iyamtoo

        Wish I’d actually done it. :D

        • Virginia Dreaming

          It would be really cool if that could be the number 1 google response to a Ted Cruz web search.

          • iyamtoo

            DID YOU HEAR THAT WONKETTE?

    • cmb
  • iyamtoo

    #howdoesanchorbabbyroll

  • iyamtoo

    My personal favorite freedom is “freedom from annihilation.”

  • nightmoth

    “Ah yes, here is the grift, the sale, the building of the phone list he can use to solicit campaign donations, and also rent to right-wing organizations for piles of money while they turn around and beg for more money. Cool scheme.”

    Seriously, thanks for that explanation. It costs boatloads of money to run for any political office, and I couldn’t figure out if Cruz is really that stupid or really that egomaniacal to run for an office he doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning. But grift makes sense.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    Dora the explorer? Cruz reminds me more of PeeWee, but without the charm.

  • SoSezYou

    I suppose he’ll buy Palin’s bus, give it a quick respray…and disinfection…and hit the bagger bucks road with his father’s traveling snake oil show. Expect massive doses of banjo music.

    • nightmoth

      Banjo libel!

  • nice_marmot

    Doesn’t Canada have to take Cruz back if we still have the receipt? Somebody needs to look into that.

    • Vienna Woods

      No fucking way.

      • nice_marmot

        Hmm. Doesn’t sound like there’s much room for negotiation there.

    • ahughes798

      I think we should trade Cruz for Rob Ford. Ford is a party machine with interesting hi-jinks, while Cruz is just a flaming, fucking asshole.

      • nice_marmot

        There is no way Canada would trade a drunk, obese crack addict for Ted Cruz.

  • Baby_Raptor

    Dear god, this country is so Fucked.

  • what’s going to be fun is watching the meltdown. because this motherfucker is NOT going to be a pretty loser.

    • Skippy2000

      Think “Thelma & Louise” meets “Network!”

  • ButchWagstaff

    Thank you, Jesus!
    –The Democratic Party.

    • HereForDaComments

      How long did your Happy Dance last? Mine is still ongoing.

  • I wish I could be as confident as many of ya’ll that Cruz will go the way of Sarah Palin, grifting his way into the sunset, but I still recall getting burned by underestimating the American people’s love of guaranteeing their own suffering in 2008.

    • HereForDaComments

      Huh?

  • wanderingbark

    I am a heterosexual female, and that logo looks to me like a stripper’s patriotic boob with a star pastie. Kind of a sideboob, but, yup, definitely a boob.

    • SadDemInTex

      You are right!

  • halfkidding

    I’m all in with Ted. He is going to return all the wealth to righteous gentiles and who among you isn’t one of those? We are going to be rich. All that Chinese money, Japanese, Saudi. All ours, as God intended.

  • Guest

    Ted Cruz stole his campaign logo from the French neo-Nazi party! Is that good because Nazi or bad because French for his chances?

    • nice_marmot

      French Nazi. Hmm. Ted “Vichy” Cruz. I wonder if we could get that to stick…

      • mtn_philosoph

        Le Pen is shiteier than the sward.

      • Akira Bear

        Ted “Merde” Cruz.

  • Ted Cruz stole his campaign logo from the French neo-Nazi party! Will this play well with the baggers because Muslim-hating and gay-hating, or badly because French?

    • MilwaukeeKent

      Looks like a three-way compared to Front National’s 69.

      • unionthuggery

        Ol’ Moose Jaw Ted is the lucky Pierre.

        • mrpuma2u

          Too friggin funny.

  • GallopingGoat

    I think he was sent into the ring by Jeb as a rabbit (decoy) – make all the others come running so they also lose steam. Cruz paving the way with his crazy would have the added benefit of making Jeb look sane.

  • Skippy2000

    Truman Capotes voice in Joe McCarthy’s body!

  • *imagines Ted Cruz as President*

    *runs away screaming in terror*

  • Guest

    May your “victorious breath” blow him away from us.

  • Capt.Jim

    I want to imagine no Ted Cruz and his religion its easy if you try

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