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God loves you and he needs money!

A televangelist literally named Dollar has been caught trying to score $65 million from his parishioners so that his ministry could buy a new private jet. That’s “new” because it’s meant to replace his old private jet.

Pastor Creflo Dollar (apparently “Rich Uncle Pennybags” was already taken) is the leader of the Creflo Dollar Ministries, and owner of World Changers International, a megachurch based in College Park, Georgia. World Changers is a prosperity gospel church, which teaches that the key to spiritual enlightenment is to “sow seeds,” i.e. give lots and lots of money to your friendly neighborhood megachurch. God will see that you’ve planted that “seed” and will reward you by eliminating all of your debt and money problems. The fact that your prosperity gospel pastor lives so lavishly is just more proof that the system works.

The Lord is my Loan Shark, I shall not miss payments.

Dollar was so successful in this grift that he was able to purchase a private jet in 1999, which he used to travel all over the world on luxury vacations spreading the Gospel. But just a few weeks ago, the plane lost an engine and has been officially grounded. Oh no! How will the pastor travel now? If only there were a way for the average person to travel from nation to nation, perhaps using some sort of line of airplanes, or “airline” if you will.

But fear not, parishioners: Pastor Dollar has a brilliant plan. For the modest price of $65 million, the pastor can continue to spread the gospel of Jesus by purchasing one of the most palatial private planes on the market, the Gulfstream G650. Now obviously the pastor cannot afford this plane by himself, what with his paltry $27 million net worth! But that’s where you come in: if just 200,000 rubes believers donate $300 each, the pastor and his family can buy this life-changing private jet outright, as the pastor beseeches in the video below:

Did you see that list of countries, dear readers? The pastor’s message has reached such exotic, faraway nations as “Europe” and “North America.” Inspiring.

The pastor’s fundraising campaign was called Project G650, and until Friday was hosted on the World Changer’s website. But after the public kerfuffle over his naked greed, the campaign website has been taken down. The Pastor still accepts donations on just about every page of his website, so don’t think for a second that he’s been defeated. He needs that opulent private plane to transport 100,000 pounds of food to poor people around the globe, as explains a spokesperson for Creflo Dollar Ministries:

When asked why Dollar can’t continue to use commercial flights to travel around the world, [spokesperson] Engelmayer said that it’s not easy to do.

“You’re missing the point. The plane is not so Creflo Dollar can get on by himself and fly. They take a ministry team of 10 to 15 people with them. They take thousands of pounds of food and provisions with them when they go around the world. If he’s coming to the New York church, he’ll hop on a Delta flight; if he’s taking 12 people plus 100,000 pounds of food, it’s not that simple,” he explained.

However, as was explained to the Christian Post by a gentleman with a sticky shift key, the G650 has a max takeoff weight of about 90,600 pounds. Those last 9,400 pounds must be carried by Jesus while he’s carrying you on the beach. Saviors don’t skip leg day.

This minor setback won’t keep Pastor Dollar down. This is after all the same man who got arrested for beating his teenage daughter in 2012, then loudly crowed in his sermon that his arrest was all part of the Devil’s plan to discredit him and the message of Jesus that he brings.

“You’ve got to understand something. It’s not as much against me as it is against this message, a voice,” said Dollar.

“The devil knows in order to discredit the message, you have to first of all discredit the messenger.”

Now if you can’t trust that guy, who can you trust?

[Raw Story / Christian Post / Gulfstream / Creflo Dollar Ministries]

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  • Nounverb911

    Sarah Palin bows deeply to the new God of Grifting, Pastor Creflo Dollar.

    • Virginia Dreaming

      Are you sure she isn’t getting on her knees in front of him?

    • eggsacklywright

      Sarah says: Tell me, O master, how can I make my sheeps as dumb as yours?

  • OneYieldRegular

    “Creflo” sounds like some kind of cribbed anagram of “filthy lucre.”

    • ArgieBargie

      Sounds like a weight loss treatment you’d see advertised on this site.

      “Doctors and trainers HATE this new natural way of losing weight!”

      • Msgr_Moment

        I remember him when he was just Creflo Nickel.

    • eggsacklywright

      It’s shorthand for Increase the Flow. As in dollars.

      • Biff52

        I give some of my insurance dollars to Flo, does that count?

        • eggsacklywright

          And I give some of mine to Eddy, so it all balances out equilibrium-like.

    • PubOption

      ‘Creflar’ should be the Spanish for ‘to obtain by extortion’.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Anyone who wants to know how this kind of scam works should read the classic New Yorker essay “Who is This King of Glory?” by St. Clair McKelway and A. J. Liebling. Pastor Dollar, Pat Robertson, Jim Bakker and so many others are spiritual descendents of the subject of that article, the late Father Divine. In addition to being informative, it is a helluva great read.

  • ArgieBargie

    Remind me again why these greedy organizations need a Tax Exempt status?

  • Rule of thumb: if your pastor lives better than you do, and he or she lives off of what you give, consider adjusting your tithing accordingly.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Eh, his church isn’t so much an actual church as it is a multi-level marketing scam, only without the clearly spelled out percentages for the downlines.

  • Nounverb911

    $65Million to distribute 100,000 pounds of food, wouldn’t it be cheaper to register all of the poor in the “Caviar of the Month Club”?

    • JustPixelz

      100,000 pounds of food will only feed 10-15 Americans for a month.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      $650/lb is cheap caviar . . . don’t the poor deserve better?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Maybe Cref’ could get together with his fellow luxury aircraft enthusiast Aaron Schock and go halfsies.

  • Toomush_Infer

    The Church of Toomush only needs a private cruise ship, if anyone’s asking…

    • Spotts1701

      So wil today’s sermon be on the Lido deck or the Promenade?

      • eggsacklywright

        Poop.

        • Toomush_Infer

          Do we have to cast thee overboard again? (just off the Keys, so no biggy)…..

          • eggsacklywright

            Wallace Stevens libel!

    • Anarchy Pony

      Church of wanooski asks only for a sail boat.

  • Spotts1701

    Must be that ultra-condensed food – how else could you cram 100,000 pounds worth of food into a plane with a payload capacity less than 1/10th of that?

    • PubOption

      A few loaves and fishes should suffice.

    • The plane works on Noah’s Ark logic…

    • Smibo

      Not to mention the “Usable Baggage Volume” of 195 cubic feet.

      • willi0000000

        that’s where they put the parishioners . . . the money rides up front!

  • Never mind.

    • willi0000000

      is that you Emily?

  • Rotational Symmetry

    Transport 100,000 pounds of food… [but] the G650 has a max takeoff weight of about
    90,600 pounds. Those last 400 pounds must be carried by Jesus while
    he’s carrying you on the beach.”

    Jesus is going to need his apostles to help out, because that would be 9,400 pounds.

    • PubOption

      You also need to consider the weight of fuel and passengers.

      • I honestly don’t know how much airline fuel weighs for flights of that sort, but assuming an average weight of 200lbs per person (probably high), that leaves 7000lbs of fuel before the math works out…

        • Jared James

          Carries about 6800 gallons of fuel, for a max fuel load of 44,200 lb. Max fuel only leaves 1800 pounds for passengers and cargo before it hits max takeoff weight, though. That’s 55 round-trips to deliver 100,000 pounds of food.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Yeah, sure. But you save so much when you buy jet fuel in bulk.

      • Rickyphoo

        And the metric ton of bullshit.

    • I’m absolutely the worst mental mathematician. I’ve used a tip calculator on a dollar. Thank you for that. Post updated so that I don’t look like such a dumb.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      This thread is getting entirely too fact-based. Can’t we please return to the kinder, gentler world of grifting and supersititon?

  • Mr. Dollar would benefit greatly from emulating Franklin Graham’s business model.

    Just call the project something akin to “Samaritans Purse” and watch the money fall like pastries from the sky right into his open and waiting mouth.

    Tax free pastries at that.

  • the_steamer

    “The devil knows in order to discredit the message, you have to first of all discredit the messenger.”

    That is A+ rhetoric right there. In order for Jesus to save you, I need credit. You can’t get that salvation straight from the good book, you need to at least believe I’m worthy of an acquittal and a private jet.

  • eggsacklywright

    The sheeps will be shorn.

  • Toomush_Infer

    “The devil knows in order to discredit the message, you have to first of all discredit the messenger.” Check…..

    • Virginia Dreaming

      Creflo is doing a pretty good job of that on his own. Why does he need help?

    • PubOption

      Some messengers are quite capable of discrediting themselves.

  • DahBoner
  • Virginia Dreaming

    Perhaps he needs to have more spring break/wet t-shirt parties in the church if he wants to make that 65 million quickly.

  • Lizzietish81

    I blame John Calvin myself.

    • Spurning Beer

      It was predestined you would.

    • jviscont1

      but without Martin Luther, these guys would only aspire to a ride like the Popemobile.

  • Msgr_Moment

    For the God I worship isn’t short of jet fuel, Mister.

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    “They take thousands of pounds of food and provisions with them when they go around the world.”
    He should consider buying a surplus C-130. Nice ones are available for less than $3M.

    • Jared James

      Even then, they’d need to make three round-trips to haul 100,000 pounds of food.

      I shudder to contemplate staying in a C-130 for five, back-to-back transatlantic flights.

      • Viva La Tabula Raza

        A monthly two hour flight from Bagram to Kandahar was more than enough for me, thanks.

        • Blank Ron

          I found it tolerable, except for the sitting-sideways part.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Your local Boeing dealer has a couple of C-17s still on the lot . . . maybe Creflo can score one of them during the Memorial Day inventory clearance sale.

  • JustPixelz

    Meanwhile in Sarah Palin™ headquarters… “DOH!”

    • Blank Ron

      Does Gulfstream even make a stretch bizjet?

  • ManchuCandidate
  • Spurning Beer

    There’s a sucker born again every minute.

  • Lizzietish81
    • JustPixelz

      Interesting documentary.

  • beatbort

    With the amount of $ this jackanapes is hauling in, I don’t think that’s 100,000 pounds of “food” in his hold. Has anyone contacted the DEA?

  • Callyson

    Regarding the video–I lasted five seconds. What are the visuals supposed to be–ghosts flying around in the sky?

    • Sounds like post marathon hallucinations Cally. How’d you do?

      • Callyson

        UGH…due to the record-breaking heat, I set a new personal worst (at mile 25, my choice was either to start walking or get heat exhaustion.) But I did manage to run across the finish line, at least. And thanks to the crowd support, it was mostly fun despite that setback.

        Next year, baby!

        • Virginia Dreaming

          You did finish, that is an achievement that most people will never reach.

          • Boscoe

            -or start. :)

        • You say “setting a personal worst” like it’s a bad thing. I find it aspirational.

          Good on you girl.

        • TundraGrifter

          Was Nicole Wilkins an East German Olympic swimmer?

  • JustPixelz

    This is the same God that sends hurricanes to New Orleans, tsunamis to Indonesia, earthquakes to Haiti and will destroy America for same-sex marriage. Obviously powerful, but He/She refuses to make food grow near hungry people. What an asshole!

    • Blank Ron

      It’s already been well-established that God has lousy aim. Seriously, dude, see an optometrist!

  • Me not sure

    I propose the word Creflo be defined as follows: (verb) to grift or swindle. As in, ” that damned preacher crefloed every last dollar I had.”

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That santorum-face crefloed me!

  • Virginia Dreaming

    If he really wanted to be Christ-like, he would ride a donkey, instead of acting like one.

    • Blank Ron

      Beast of burden libel!

  • HogeyeGrex

    Even Neel Kashkari can’t beat that name.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Don’t make God fly coach. After all, he GAVE you your Social Security….

  • Bared Bear

    i pray each day for jesus to hurry up and rapture his followers up to his comet.

  • jviscont1

    I have an ’88 Winnebago that appropriately still runs for some godly reason that he can have for $200.00US.

    • willi0000000

      sounds interesting.

      [i could move out of my apartment into something roomy]

  • Poly_Ester

    A C130 can only carry a 45,000 lb payload. How big is this Gulfstream if it can carry 100,000 lb (allegedly).

    • Anarchy Pony

      Clearly the plane will be given tardis properties by jebus.

  • Rimshot101

    The maximum payload of the G650 is 6500 lbs. So to distribute that amount food, he’s going to need about 17 of those planes. Please give generously.

    • Virginia Dreaming

      He just needs to transport a few loaves and fishes around. After he prays over them, there will be enough to feed the entire crowd.

      • Blank Ron

        We could send him a toy airplane from the dollar store and he can do the same thing!

    • jviscont1

      you’ve not heard of the loaves and fish trick some Jewish magician performed in the Catskills some years ago.

      • andreamd

        bagels and lox

        • Blank Ron

          Suddenly that trick makes sense.

    • Rimshot101

      Maybe The Amazing Christo can wave his wand and turn one airplane into seventeen.

  • MrBlobfish

    I will donate to fund a
    Revell 1/48 scale “Spirit of St Louis” model kit for the good pastor.

  • Mormos

    asking strangers to pay my rent seems more reasonable every day

    • Otto66

      Just be sure and practice your bible quotes and your rent will be paid. HALLELUJAH!

    • say wha

      And medical bills also, too.

  • eggsacklywright

    ♫ O lord, won’tcha buy me

    A new Gulfstream V,

    My friends all ride Lear jets,

    I must make amends…♫

    • Toomush_Infer

      If anybody’s in Heaven, it’s Janis – rubbing up against some Cowboy’s leg…

      • SigDeFlyinMonky

        Work me Lord!

  • Metadude

    Oh, America. You never grow up!

  • MrBlobfish

    I’d like to give him a good beseeching right in the nuts.

  • Ilgattomorte

    I think we all agree that Pastor Dollar is asking too much from his humble flock, but he’s not the only option. These days the smart Prosperity Gospel Christian has many choices when shopping for a way to buy happiness and ultimately, their way into Heaven. A useful tool is “Find-a-Flock.com”.

    At Find-a-Flock you can take advantage of our powerful search tools to select the perfect pastor/donation combination for your particular budget and soul saving needs. If you are a child- molester or wife beater with an income of $100,000 or more then Pastor Dollar might be right for you; but if you are just a chronic liar making under $30,000, maybe you could look at Pastor Phineas Dollar-General. Pastor Dollar-General is only asking his flock for $5 each so he can spread the word of the lord in that sweet used El Camino he’s got his eye on.

    With our thousands of available options we guarantee to find a perfect match between you, your pastor and your cash. So come to Find-a-Flock.com and let us find your perfect soul-mate.

    • I was already planning to do a segment on prosperity gospel on the next Snake Oil Bulletin. These people are the most shameless con artists I have ever seen.

      Even the Three-card Monte guys pretend you aren’t being scammed.

      • Ilgattomorte

        I look forward to that piece and I’m sure you will find divine inspiration in its creation.

      • TundraGrifter

        Remember the great Rev. Ike? “Money isn’t the root of all evil; LACK of money is the root of all evil!”

        You betcha!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Unfortunately, I have these annoying scruples that prevent me from taking advantage of your no doubt prosperous service.

      • Boscoe

        That’s just Satan talking. Jesus WANTS you to be rich like Creflo! Trust me, the Bible is a very large book, I’m sure it says that somewhere…

        • Blank Ron

          And if it doesn’t, you can ‘interpret’ it any way you like!

  • janecita

    This country really is full of gullible stupid people. Exceptional indeed.

    • Otto66

      It happens all over the world. The religion business is the best scam ever invented. 1st – be afraid of the invisible man in the sky.
      2nd – Sure your life is shit, but yer going to heaven when you die.
      3rd – As his emmisary here in earth, give ME all your money.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    What’s he paying the onboard steward? I can barely afford my new car working for United.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Cref may be a smrt pastor, but he’s no smart shopper.

    He could get a good used 737 transport for about a third of the cost of the G650, and actually have room for 20 tons of food, unlike the G650, which won’t carry much more than matched Gucci suite of luggage and a medium ladies handbag.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      I’m not sure about the range, though. With a 737 he won’t be able to reach the starving people of Australia.

      • mtn_philosoph

        For large capacity plus ultra long range, he would need either the Airbus 330 or the Boeing 767.

    • mtn_philosoph

      In order to carry 100,000 lbs. of cargo, he would need an Airbus A300-600F or A330-200F or A300-600ST (Beluga) or a Boeing 747 Dreamlifter or 767-300F.

      Just for comparison, the Gulfstream has a cargo capacity of 195 sq. ft. The Boeing 767 has a cargo capacity of 15,469 sq. ft., or almost 80x that of the Gulfstream.

      All of the large capacity freighter aircraft have utilitarian interiors, with none of the amenities that are featured on the Gulfstream. But that doesn’t bother missionaries like Creflo Dollar, right?

  • TundraGrifter

    Creflo or CashFlow?

  • Wonkaholic

    Hey, everyone has their own ways of getting closer to God. I, however, prefer my epiphanies to be of a more carnal nature.

    • Blank Ron

      51,000 feet closer, in this case.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I used to think that Herbert W. Armstrong’s insistence upon traveling first-class only (because God wouldn’t want his messenger to travel in some lesser way) was the height of religious hypocrisy and arrogance. I was a naive young fellow in those days.

  • say wha

    I guess after Jesus cast the Changers out of the temple, they all migrated to Georgia.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    “Prosperity Gospel” = naked Mammon worship.

    Such heresy calls for action. In the form of nerf bats employed liberally.

    • unionthuggery

      Naked mammon worship is the name of my thrash metal band that covers gospel hymns.

  • texasace00

    Don’t forget the 20,000 pounds of bullshit

    • dshwa

      That’s a lot of bibles.

  • rocktonsam

    flying commercial is hard you guys.

  • chicken thief

    “100,000 lbs of food”

    Not meant to be a factual statement.

  • zulu sosa

    God Damn! I want one of those planes! Did you check out the Gulfstream website? Damn! Everybody, send me a nickel. I promise I’ll only use it for good, like trips to Fiji and New Zealand. And, I’ll think of each and every one of you while I’m there. Bless you all.

    • Blank Ron

      Beech Starship or GTFO.
      Yes, I know they’re out of production… *le sigh*

  • Boscoe

    “Tax the chruches… Tax the businesses owned by the churches…”
    -Frank Zappa

  • Ergoetal

    I play guitar. And when I play guitar I celebrate, through my singing and playing, the Beauty and Wisdom of God. If I can get just one parishioner to send me eight dollars, I can buy a new set of strings. Thank you.

  • andreamd

    My rabbi gets around a lot of DC and parts of Maryland on his bicycle. He bought it out of his salary. However, he is not transporting his “team” or 100,000 lbs of food
    so I totally get the need for a 65 mil jet to bring food to New York(?!)

    • Baby_Raptor

      If he’d have said that after a natural disaster he might have had a chance of someone believing him.

  • zerosumgame0005

    but is he going for the “ER” version? the max payload is still about
    6,500 lbs so he must need a fleet for the 100,000 lbs of BS, um food I meant!

  • Capt.Jim

    Another give me your moneez Jeebus spouter they are a damn dime a dozen,iffin there was a God he would crash the plane and burn the bastard on take off for fleecing the damn sheep that believe his bullshit

  • Amy!

    Also, he can fly his jet to Arkansas to succor Good Christian™ State Representative Justin Asshole in his hour of need.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “The devil knows in order to discredit the message, you have to first of all discredit the messenger.”

    I love having my work done for me.

  • Joe Pelletier

    “prosperity gospel church”

    Meaning: Not a Christian church, and Mr. Dollar is not a Pastor. He is a wolf.

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