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What a jokester

Supposedly, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham would like to be president, at least of the rich white penis parts of America. Ha, just kidding, that was a joke!

But he keeps telling “jokes” that don’t work out well for him — on account of how they are not funny and make him look like A Asshole — and then he has to be all, like, “Ha, just kidding, that was a joke!” One time, he even said he was sorry for making a “joke,” when he called Nancy Pelosi an ugly old over-surgeried hag. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Here’s Graham’s latest “joke” at a campaign stop in New Hampshire, even though it’s not really a campaign stop because he’s not really running yet, just … ahem … “exploring”:

And here’s the first thing I would do if I were president of the United States. I wouldn’t let Congress leave town until we fix this. I would literally use the military to keep them in if I had to. We’re not leaving town until we restore these defense cuts. We are not leaving town until we restore the intel cuts.

Literally? Like, literally literally? Like, how Graham literally thinks we should declare a holy war on any country that looks at us funny, and then call our enemies mean names because that’ll learn ’em?

Nah, not that kind of literally, duh:

Graham wasn’t being serious. The military line was “not to be taken literally,” according to Graham spokesman Kevin Bishop, who staffed him on the New Hampshire trip.

Gosh, it’s hard to know when to take Graham literally, because he says a lot of stupid words ALL THE TIME about how he’d use the military if he were president, and no one ever clarifies that he’s just kidding. Is he one of those Republican senators who thought sending a love letter to Iran, which of course he signed, was just some light-hearted goofy funtimes too?

So is it that far-fetched to believe Graham would “literally” direct our military to take Congress hostage if he were president? Well, it’s certainly less far-fetched than imagining Graham as president. Now that is funny. Literally.

[Vox/Bloomberg]

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  • Bureaucrap

    Miss Graham is putting the faaaabulous back into fascism.

  • whatwhomever

    I assume his invasion will happen through the back door.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    If a person makes a joke that suggests they are an ahole, then we should give them the benefit of the doubt. If they make multiple jokes over time that suggest they are an ahole, well then we should start believing the jokes, not the joker.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Joke me once, shame on you. Joke me twice, shame on me.

      • formerChild

        Joke ’em, if they can’t take a fuck.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    If a person makes a joke that suggests they are an ahole, then we should give them the benefit of the doubt. If they make multiple jokes over time that suggest they are an ahole, well then we should start believing the jokes, not the joker.

  • Nounverb911

    ” I would literally use the military to keep them in if I had to.”
    The military would rather re-occupy Iraq.

    • david green

      I dunno. A running gun battle on the steps of the capitol building, pitting special forces against the Tea Party Congresscritters. I’d do pay-per-view for that.

  • Callyson
  • Callyson

    The military line was “not to be taken literally”

    “Dude, even I wouldn’t pull the “literally” term on this topic.”

    – Rachel Zoe

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obDJrK9p6mI

  • memzilla

    Tiny-penised bondage fantasizer says what?

  • tegrat

    When all ya gots is clowns, all ya gets is jokes.

  • tegrat

    When all ya gots is clowns, all ya gets is jokes.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    Do you think Aaron Schock will be able to sweet-talk his way into flying out for a top-secret fact finding mission to a beach volleyball tournament?

  • cousin itt

    Spoken by a true ilidiot.

  • JohnBull

    “Literally.” You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

  • Nounverb911

    Fortunately, the only thing Miss Lindsey will ever be president of is the “He-Man Womenz Haterz Klub”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBIC8JTQMMQ

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    He’s running for president of what? The Prom?

  • borninatrailer

    Let’s stop pretending. The GOP is not going to elect their one token gay friend.

    • Nounverb911

      Aaron Schock libel!

      • malsperanza

        And a host of others libel!

  • deanbooth

    Why are we ruled by imbeciles?

    • Blank Ron

      They’re reflections of them as votes for ’em.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe
  • exinkwretch

    Miss Lindsey, it’s rude to threaten military action. I’m sure you can keep everyone in line with a few strategic swings of your purse.

    • formerChild

      Handbags at dawn!

  • exinkwretch

    Miss Lindsey, it’s rude to threaten military action. I’m sure you can keep everyone in line with a few strategic swings of your purse.

  • OneYieldRegular

    “Exploring”

    What, still?

    • anniegetyerfun

      He’s curious.

      • Greg Fuderer

        one would think he’d know by now

  • angertoad

    “. . . according to Graham spokesman Kevin Bishop, who staffed him . . . .”

    Subtle.

  • Sheepshagger

    Guys it’s no big. It’s hard to translate “Fuhrerprinzip” without it sounding a bit harsh to English speakers ears.

    • Blank Ron

      Lindsey? To ME you’re a Fuhrer, to YOU you’re a Fuhrer, but to Fuhrers, Lindsey, you’re no Fuhrer.

  • Sheepshagger

    Guys it’s no big. It’s hard to translate “Fuhrerprinzip” without it sounding a bit harsh to English speakers ears.

  • cousin itt

    This approach eventually worked out quite well with the Weimar Republic.

  • Vecciojohn

    in the future, Miss Lindsey promised that any statements issued from her office will come coded with a “j” for joke or an “s” for “seriously, this is an actual statement from a real US senator, no matter how much it sounds like an Onion parody.”

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And he’ll manage to get the codes backwards every fucking time.

  • JustPixelz

    2014 Fox chyron: King Obama? Ignores Congress
    2017 Fox chyron: Leadership! President Graham* disbands Congress
    ______________________________
    * I just threw up in my mouth.

  • KinkyReggae

    Miss Lindsey would like the military to invade his anus I believes.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Faguratively speaking

  • orygoon

    How many times during the years 2000-2009 did people tell YOU that just because the king of the republicans was a little inarticulate that this did not in any way mean that he was A Idiot?

  • Spotts1701

    Usually the ones who use the military to force the civilian government to heel wear peaked Commissar caps and uniforms with lots of Bling of War.

    Anyone checked Senator Graham’s wardrobe?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Givenchy and Oscar de la Renta, I’m guessing.

      • FlownOver

        de la Rentboy, I’d think.

    • Alan Williams

      Check far enough and you’ll probably find Hugo Boss gloss black uniforms…

    • Blank Ron

      I dunno, she seems more like a Bob Mackie kinda guy.

  • Shalimar

    I know I’m a bad person, but I would vote for Graham just to see him do this. I would also write lots of letters to everyone in the Tea Party caucus, pointing out how cowardly they are if they let the US Army bully them.

    Stand Your Ground!!!! Stand Your Ground!!!! Stand Your Ground!!!! Who’s with me?

  • LarryHoudini

    All the same, he would never connect with the wingnuts if he had said “I would figuratively use the military to keep them in if I had to.”
    Um . . . not that he has ever connected with wingnuts. Who makes up his base? I can’t figure it out.

  • JustPixelz

    “I would literally use the military to keep [Congress] in if I had to.”

    Nice try, but under President Graham all our troops will be deployed to Iraq, Iran, Libya, Afghanistan, Syria, Ukraine, Yemen and a few other places. There won’t be anyone left to invade Washington.

  • baconzgood

    “I wouldn’t let Congress leave town until we fix this. I would literally use the military to keep them in if I had to. We’re not leaving town…” etc etc. Just think if we had a “D” that said that?
    I don’t think “literally” means what you think it means. Lindsey, Baconz will help you from my man Webster:

    Full Definition of LITERAL
    1)
    a : according with the letter of the scriptures
    b : adhering to fact or to the ordinary construction or primary meaning of a term or expression : actual
    c : free from exaggeration or embellishment
    d : characterized by a concern mainly with facts

    So since we aren’t talking about the scriptures, I’m shooting for definition 1) c. FREE FROM EXAGGERATION OR EMBELLISHMENT.

    That is “Literally” WHAT “LITERAL” MEANS!!!!!!!!!!!!! literally! Here let Baconz use it.

    *If I said Lindsey Graham is literally a brainless burlap sack of fecal matter that will never be the President of the United States. I would be incorrect. Sen. Graham possesses a brain, however not employed very well, and he is not made of burlap*

  • OneYieldRegular

    The Not So Great Communicator.

  • anniegetyerfun

    I would love to see him run, if only because I think he start drinking more and his jokes would get bawdier and more fun as the campaign went on. He’d eventually throw up on stage during one of the debates or something, which would still make him a better debater than Rick Perry.

    • chicken thief

      He should run only if Sarah also too runs. You know, so the ladies can keep each other company on the campaign trail.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    To be fair, it is hard to assemble a boffo standup set when Scott Baio writes all your jokes.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Does “restoring cuts” means that he wants to cut the military budget further? Or less?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It doesn’t mean a goddam thing, exactly like every other thing that seeps out of his pie hole.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Does “restoring cuts” means that he wants to cut the military budget further? Or less?

  • Adrian

    Another student in a writing class I was taking wrote:

    “I tried to literally catch a bus for an hour.”

    • Blank Ron

      He probably would have done it too, if he hadn’t stopped at every telephone pole for a sniff.

  • srfrantz

    “Graham spokesman Kevin Bishop, who staffed him on the New Hampshire trip”

    not a picture I really wanted in my mind of Miss Lindsey Graham and his boy Kevin ‘staffing’ him…

  • docterry6973

    Lindsey is terrified because the defense budget is so small. Poor thing.

    • Alan Williams

      Poor Lindsay knows what’s really too small*…

      *well, other than the bottle of liquor I’ll need to make it thru the next election.

  • Imagine what Republicans would say if a Democrat threatened to hold Congress hostage until they passed a bill that increased federal spending, even in jest.

  • addison_da_wit

    As Miss Lindsey’s alter ego, Blanche duBois, once summed it up: “I don’t want realism. I want magic! Yes, yes, magic. I try to give that to people. I do misrepresent things. I don’t tell truths. I tell what ought to be truth.”

    • BackDoorMan

      I usually imagine Miss Lindsey, channeling Blanche duBonkers, saying… “I have always depended on a kind of strangeness”…

  • Ryan Denniston

    He totally meant literally the way Joe the Biden taught us.

  • MrBlobfish

    Graham/Jindal 2016 – Because We Don’t Fucking Care Anymore

    • jviscont1

      Graham/Jindal 2016 – Because We Literally Don’t Fucking Care Anymore

    • Poly_Ester

      Graham/Jindal 2016 – Because we want to see just how credulous the American people are.

  • Wild Cat

    “Is that dinosaur splooge dripping out of the corner of your mouth or are you just happy to see me?”

  • AnOuthouse

    Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Hitler!

    Stalin!

    Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Hitler!

    • Wild Cat

      C’mon…they have to throw in a daily dose of “Pol Pot!!!!” at least once a day.

  • Poindexter718

    “….Kevin Bishop, who staffed [Lindsay Graham] on the New Hampshire trip.”
    Literally?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Well no, that wasn’t meant to be taken literally except, literally, yeah.

  • chicken thief

    “I wouldn’t let Congress leave town until we fix this.” said Lindsey Graham, a Congressman who was literally in another state at time of the statement.

    Now there’s a leader.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      To be fair, you know who else was a fucking blatantly obvious hypocrite?

  • HarryButtle

    Gee, what happened to “Congress holds the power of the purse?”

    if only Lindsey could get himself elected to a position of honor and respect, like a Congressman or Senator, he might be able to affect change in the government’s budget.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It’s not a purse, goddamit! It’s a carryall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11,1!!!,!,!!!1

  • The-Timbuktutu

    He has a kickface.

  • Spurning Beer

    Senator Graham is “exploring”? So he’s president-curious, is he?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Curiosity killed the cat (with votes.)

  • elpinche

    Graham is going through menopause. Please forgive him.

  • LIT_Fag

    So, as President, he wouldn’t put up with the (Congessional) behavior that he is literally currently displaying as a Congessman?
    Jesus Christ!
    If you don’t think that Congess should go on vacation during budget negotiations, then why aren’t you urging your fucking peers to stay now and be responsible and deal with things? Jackass.

  • snapman

    Even though anything is OK if you’re a Republican, this is really something. Butters is boasting of his fascistic dreams of enforcing executive will on an uncooperative Congress within days of condemning the sitting President’s “overreach” in a borderline treasonous letter to a hostile foreign power. It literally, not figuratively, shows how shallow and venal his thinking is. But then again, given how it no doubt played with the audience, he’s probably the smartest man in America.

  • ThatDale

    Ladies Don’t Stop Believing Magical Purity Grace T-Shirt; White “Beauty Dish” Reflector; Metal Headboard in White; and Stop Bath.

    Well played, Needful Things, well played.

  • Martin L

    He would be the first female president—-well, sorta.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      James G. Buchanan and Edith Wilson libels!!!!!!111,,,!,!1

  • gratuitous

    And the funny thing is – those cuts to defense Sen. Graham is on about? Those are cuts from the sequester Sen. Graham and his Republican running buddies instituted under the sequester. You remember the sequester? That was the cunning plan (a la Baldrick from BlackAdder) whereby the Democrats would have to “repeal” “Obamacare” because they couldn’t feature budget cuts to all their needy constituents.

    Strangely enough, when you take away the very little you’re doing for desperately poor people, they don’t really notice it that much; they’re very accustomed to making do and getting by on less. But fatcat defense contractors? If the money isn’t funneled directly into their overstuffed pockets, it’s not worth the effort to reach out and grab the big bucks, and boyohboy do they let their bought-and-paid-for congress critters know about it.

  • Hardly Ideal

    *sigh* It looks like we literally need to play this damn primer again.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Sometimes the grammar police are your friends.

      • ricotorpe

        And other times they are you’re enemies.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    The military line was not to be taken literally, according to Kevin Bishop? Didn’t Bishop mean that Lindsey Grahams pathetically obvious attempt to pass himself off as some kind of macho dude in a romance novel was not to be taken literally?

  • Wonkaholic

    If Mme. Lindsey doesn’t know what “literally” means, does that make her illiteralate?

  • Paperless Tiger

    Sounds like he is doubling down on fascism, using military force to force more use of military force. The Republican Party is completely degenerate at this point, lashing out at with threats of violence against everyone. It’s like some fatally wounded beast that needs to be put out of its misery, with votes.

  • Me not sure

    When he quoted the ” once more into the breech” speech from Henry V, anuses all over Washington clenched tight.

  • Serolf Divad

    Lindsay Graham would literally use the military to force congress to vote his way…and by “literally” Graham means “figuratively,” of course. Also, he would literally eat his political opponents like Idi Amin, and by “literally eat his opponents” Graham means “literally eat a whole plate of ham biscuits,” of course.

  • Poly_Ester

    Maybe Sen. Al Franken could give him a few comedy pointers in the spirit of bipartisanship, of course

    • Mehmeisterjr

      You’re Good Enough, You’re Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like You!

      Sorry, that will never fly.

      • ricotorpe

        He does bear a resemblance to Stuart Smalley.

  • malsperanza

    Oh dear. The last time South Carolina literally tried the military response to Congress, it did not work out so well.

  • SighSperling

    Jebus Crimbus!!
    He looks like Lady Elaine Fairchild!!!1!

    • Steve Hyman

      Mr. Rogers reference in DA HOUSE!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Boomerang Toomerang Soomerang libel!!!!!!!!!!!!111,,!1!!!,11,!1!

  • DahBoner

    When the going gets hot, where does President Lindsay keep his undies?

    http://media0.giphy.com/media/j0AAr61b9hU52/200w.gif

  • topjob66t

    Lindsey is locked in a name by parents who knew right away he won’t be a stud muffin. Right from birth that child shooed away his dick. And he still grew up to be a dick. Amazing I know.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It was between “Lindsay” and “Fifi,” so I think they made the right choice.

      • topjob66t

        Oh Jeebus. I am so distraught that he still has a platform to play with toys he was denied as a child. Can I add Fuck um?

  • AndInThisCorner

    Yes!!!
    “Not to be taken literally” haha!
    Now I know not to take anything a Republican says literally…..oh wait…Damn It!!

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