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He laughs at their pain

  • It sure sucks having to hear about how President Obama’s dumb health care reform is doing swell, actually, huh? It’s covering more people than expected, it’s cheaper than expected, it’s saving the country more money than expected — and as long as you don’t tell people what it is (it is health care reform brought to you by a black president, shhhhhhhhhh), people actually quite like it! But don’t say that to Wyoming Sen. John Barrasso, because he doesn’t want to hear another word about it:

    “It’s time for the White House to stop celebrating and start thinking about the people,” Barrasso said on the Senate floor on Wednesday. […]

    “Is the Obama administration pleased that the president’s healthcare law is so much less popular than the president and Democrats expected it to be?” Barrasso asked.

    Well, since you asked, Senator, the administration might be more concerned with the success of the Affordable Care Act than whether idiots who watch too much Fox News say “Ugh, Obamacare? Hate it! Keep yer stinkin’ government outta my Social Security too!” when a pollster calls to interrupt their dinner. So yes, the administration probably is pleased that it has managed to exceed all expectations and expand better, cheaper health care to even more millions of Americans, while saving the government money too. Oooh, fiscal conservatism! Just like White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained this week:

    Q Okay. Also, the CBO just made another downward revision to the estimates of insurance costs under Obamacare. Is the White House — does it see this as the Supreme Court weighs in on making a decision — that it could bring down the curtain on Obamacare?

    MR. EARNEST: Well, it certainly is a — only the latest in a long line of data points that indicate the Affordable Care Act is contributing in a very positive way to holding down the growth of health care costs in this country in a way that has very real economic benefits, not just for middle-class families across the country but also for businesses large and small.

    And one of the goals here has been to recognize that the unrestrained growth in health care costs did pose a threat to governments — our government’s finances, but also did contribute to some weakness in our economy, and that over the long term, getting a handle on those trends is important and was one of the goals of the Affordable Care Act. And we’re pleased to see that even just after a couple of years of being in effect, that the impact is both noticeable and positive.

    But that’s not good enough for Barrasso. He thinks the “administration and every Democrat who voted for it should be embarrassed for it.” Hmm, maybe, if you’re using a really dumb metric, like how “popular” it is instead of whether it’s “working.” But you know who else should probably be embarrassed? Barrasso. He’s in charge of the group of Senators trying to think up a clever Obamacare alternative. We’re sure he’ll let us know just as soon as he’s got one.

  • Yup:Screen Shot 2015-03-11 at 7.13.59 PMEveryone knows you gotta lock up the “I’M NOT RACIST, I HAVE BLACK FRIENDS!” vote to get to the White House:

    Scott Baio walked into a bar.

    “Hey,” the bartender said, “we don’t serve your kind here.”

    “This is America, pal!” Scott Baio said. As if what the bartender had said was, “Hey, this isn’t America!”

    Scott Baio sat down at the bar, but now the bartender was pointedly ignoring him. Scott Baio knew what this was about, of course. A few days earlier, he had posted an unflattering picture of Michelle Obama on his Twitter account, with the caption, “WOW he wakes up to this every morning.” Since then, he had been receiving death threats and being called all sorts of names. But Scott Baio was not concerned. He knew what type of person he was, and what was in his heart. And he knew that if people just got to know him, they would stop telling him that he should go kill himself.

  • So we won’t be needing a jacket, then?

    We are standing on the edge of a new world where warming is poised to accelerate at rates unseen for at least 1,000 years.

    That’s the main finding of a paper published Monday in Nature Climate Change, which looked at the rate of temperature change over 40-year periods. The new research also shows that the Arctic, North America and Europe will be the first regions to transition to a new climate, underscoring the urgent need for adaptation planning. […]

    Historical records show temperatures have typically fluctuate up or down by about 0.2°F per decade over the past 1,000 years. But trends over the past 40 years have been decidedly up, with warming approaching 0.4°F per decade. That’s still within historical bounds of the past — but just barely.

    By 2020, warming rates should eclipse historical bounds of the past 1,000 years — and likely at least 2,000 years — and keep rising. If greenhouse gas emissions continue on their current trend, the rate of warming will reach 0.7°F per decade and stay that high until at least 2100.

  • When Queen Elizabeth, who is now 88 years old, shuffles off this mortal coil, it’ll be kind of a big deal:

    For at least 12 days — between her passing, the funeral and beyond — Britain will grind to a halt. It’ll cost the British economy billions in lost earnings. The stock markets and banks will close for an indefinite period. And both the funeral and the subsequent coronation will become formal national holidays, each with an estimated economic hit to GDP of between £1.2 and £6 billion, to say nothing of organisational costs.

    But to focus on the financial disruption doesn’t begin to describe the sheer magnitude of it. It will be an event unlike anything Britain has ever seen before. There will be trivial disruptions — the BBC will cancel all comedy shows, for example — and jarring cultural changes. Prince Charles may change his name, for instance, and the words of the national anthem will be changed, too.

  • The side pickle, explained:

    With any sandwich you buy in the United States you will receive an all too familiar side dish without any explanation. The pickle. But why? How did the pickle become such an iconic part of our deli experience? Even the character Tevye pondered this question in Fiddler on the Roof. Where did the pickle come from, and more importantly, why does one always come with your sandwich?

  • Are you addicted to your Netflix account? Then you will probably nod along and say, “Yes, exactly!” to these suggestions for how to make Netflix more better-like, from our friends at Happy Nice Time People. Like this one, for example:

    Stop Asking Me If I’m Still Here, I Really Don’t Have a Life

    Netflix, I swear to God that I don’t have a life. Stop doing that cheeky little thing where you pretend to be concerned and want to know if I’m still watching. I am.

    I know Netflix does this to make sure they’re not paying for unnecessary bandwidth, but come on! Netflix is like that Lay’s Potato Chip ad–we can’t have just one.

    If Netflix could at least let us get an “Autoplay for X Amount of Episodes” option so I don’t have to keep pressing play, that’d be great.

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  • Scott Walker sounds like he has early onset Alzheimer’s?

    • Alan Williams

      No, just early onset Asshole.

      • Blank Ron

        Bravo!

  • MsAnthropesMr
    • I think you mean Pravda, right?

    • bobbert

      Wow, even kind of violent agreement.

    • david green

      It is a commie rag…

  • Msgr_Moment

    The side pickle provides us guys with a quandary. Do we open up the sammich and try to perform pickle-augmentation surgery on the sammich ourselves, or do we call from our Barcaloungers for [female] help?

    • willi0000000

      i just try to give the pickle away . . . never liked dill . . . but in a group there’s almost always someone who does . . . about half the time the pickle desirer* is female, does that help with your quandry?

      * shutup! . . . sometimes a pickle is just a pickle!

      • chicken thief

        But how the pickle is devoured can be revealing.

    • jviscont1

      I’d go with call for her help in a little game of hide the pickle, if the time is right

  • Derp perp

    Who’s Scott Baio?

    • PubOption

      An actor. I can remember him in Bugsy Malone when he was but a kid, but I can’t associate his name with anything more recent.

    • Virginia Dreaming

      He played an immature, self-centered, not-so-bright character on Happy Days. Turns out it was typecasting.

    • ManchuCandidate

      Known by his acting name Chaji which is Korean for penis (he is a dick.)

    • JohnBull

      He plays a character called Bob Loblaw, which is the sound Republicans make when speaking about anything.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Scott Baio used to play the little black kid on Dff’rnt Strokes, right?

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Fox News has blondes with legs – you can’t say that about “statistics”.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Bob Loblaw/Walker Koch Blocker 2016

  • Virginia Dreaming

    For a long time, being a Tory was the more popular position in the 13 British Colonies. Fortunately, the progressives prevailed.

    • MrBlobfish

      Back in Ye Olde Tymes, Tea Baggers would have been Tories.

      • Blank Ron

        Ha. Back in Ye Olde Tymes, the teabaggers would have been peasants and wouldn’t have had the vote anyway. If there WAS a vote.

      • Billy Rubin

        They would have been shit hurling apes, not unlike today.

  • ManchuCandidate

    If gubbiment funded/subsidized healthcare is so awful GOPer boy should show some inspiring leadership to the citizens of US Amercia and give up his gubbiment funded healthcare plan. I’m sure that the Free Market will take care of him like they took care of many other folks.

    • Msgr_Moment

      “Took care of” like Ole Yeller was “took care of”.

      • dshwa

        Thanks for spoiling the ending. Jerk.

        • MsAnthropesMr

          Rosebud was the sled.

          • dshwa

            Dude!

          • FlownOver

            And you know about Keyser Soze, don’cha?

          • MsAnthropesMr

            Soylent Green is people.

          • dshwa

            “Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!” (Runs away from Wonkette covering ears)

        • Blank Ron

          Darth Vader is Luke’s father.

          Oh, and the Titanic sinks.

          • dshwa

            Darth Vader is Luke’s father!!!

            Noooooooooooooo!

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Everybody is dead except Horatio and Fortinbras.

          • dshwa

            Goddamn you all

        • Adam Pack

          Godot never shows up.

  • SnarkOff

    “Josh Earnest” is an oxymoron.

    • Msgr_Moment

      He used to work for Military Intelligence.

      • Steverino247

        Watch it!

      • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

        Where he regularly ate jumbo shrimp.

  • Msgr_Moment

    “WOW he wakes up to this every morning.”

    You don’t hear me complaining about your mom’s looks, Scott. But then I usually kick her out before daybreak.

    • nanuq1

      Tape the light switch down.

      • Steverino247

        Remove the light bulbs just to be sure.

        • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

          Ray-Bans.

          • Steverino247

            Or those glasses on “They Live?”

      • Billy Rubin

        Super glue the inside of the brown paper bag

  • Tallmutha

    OMG, that Obamacare is such a stuck-up bitch.

  • HarryButtle

    I agree with Chachi, Scott Walker DOES sound like Reagan…who was the worst president in history.

    • willi0000000

      he’s got some heavy competition there . . . including shrub!

    • JustPixelz

      Also Buchanan who sat back as the the nation marched toward the Civil War (or, as it is known in the South, “The War Between the Good Guys and Us”)

    • Billy Rubin

      It’s the brain damage talking (Chachi, Walker, & Gipper: take your pick.)

  • retiredeng

    Congress is a huge farce. Scrambling around with their hair on fire trying to put out the fires everywhere on their own heads!

    • nanuq1

      Well, Senator Rand Paul would benefit from a fire on his head.

  • beatbort

    The Honorable Weasel from Wyoming has addressed the Chamber.
    He wants some of that Wingnut Media Attention that Cruz, Cotton and Graham Cracker regularly get. But The Honorable Weasel will now return to obscurity because he wasn’t crazy enough to be accorded such privileges. He was just a boilerplate, run of the mill asshole. Goodbye Weasel, whatever your name is. Good luck being called on by Mitch when you raise your hand in class.

  • Scott Baio has a big butt and his big butt stinks and he likes to smell his own big stinky ol butt.

    • JustPixelz

      Don’t sugarcoat it. Tell us how you really feel.

  • freakishlystrong

    John Barrasso is a traitor. He even has “ass” in his name.

  • dshwa

    Sexism is just as dead as racism, don’t you stoopid liberals get that. Leave Scott Baio alooooone.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Wait just a sec… THIS mug is disparaging somebody’s attractiveness level? Yeah, let’s just say that he hasn’t aged real well.

    • MCowan

      It’s the hate. George Clooney is only a year younger and he keeps getting better with age, IMO.

    • Joanie may love Chachi, but Chachi and Mr. Time are not on speaking terms.

    • Blank Ron

      Nice legs. Shame about the face.

  • LarryHoudini

    Scott Baio looks great! I hope I look just as good when I hit 70!

  • willi0000000

    yeah . . . Senator from Wyoming . . . another place with more Senators than Representatives.

    • JustPixelz

      Another way America is exceptional — disproportionate representation.

    • nanuq1

      Alaska libel!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I’m sure it warms the cockles of the average New Yorker’s heart to consider that a Wyoming voter’s vote counts something like 60 times as much as their own, vis a vis the US Senate.

      • willi0000000

        New Yorkers have hearts?

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Why do you dumb libs keep talking about global warming? Sure, there are some places that will be wiped out by flooding, but it’s not the Midwest, so why do we care?

  • Hey, Netflix, how about you just give me the option to go back to the old no-auto-play behavior, since I never want to auto-play anyway? Also, stop cutting off the closing theme of my shows.

    • LIT_Fag

      Re auto-play, it depends on the device. Ive got a smart TV that does auto play Netflix, but on the Roku, it doesn’t. And I cant remember if it does or not through a PlayStation. And all three have different Netflix layouts. Very odd, But an option would be nice.

      • I use Netflix exclusively on a tablet, where there’s no option. Oh, it’d also be nice if I could bump down the resolution, since I don’t really need 1080p on a 7″ screen.

  • MrBlobfish

    I really surprised a big thinker in one of more, uh, ruddy states hasn’t tried to outlaw saying the word “Obamacare”.

    • PubOption

      Unlikely, the rubes might think that something called The Affordable Care Act was a good idea.

    • JustPixelz

      If they’d called it the “Stop Health Insurance Companies From Fucking Us Act”, no one would dare be against it.

  • beatbort

    Deeply esoteric reference:
    Scott Baio is a dead ringer for “Stink Hair” Stu in Rick Altergott’s “Doofus” comic book series.

    • MrBlobfish

      I find “Doofus” very disturbing.

      • beatbort

        All the more reason why the comparison to “Stink Hair” fits!

  • deanbooth

    I don’t want a pickle…

    • JustPixelz

      (I get that reference)

    • Blank Ron

      Do you want to die?

      • deanbooth

        * sigh *

        • deanbooth

          kul.

        • Blank Ron

          Cle.

    • Tallmutha

      Just wanna endorse Ron Paul, I’m so fickle…

    • Vienna Woods

      Thanks for the earworm.

  • MrBlobfish

    Does this mean that we get to start calling Scott Walker “Chachi”? I know I will.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Look at that picture! Sheeesh! I can’t believe MIchelle wakes up to that every morning.

    Call me!

  • JustPixelz

    ” an unflattering picture of Michelle Obama “

    I refuse to believe such a thing exists. Michelle: Mrs. Just Pixelz. PLEASE think about it.

  • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

    What do you expect from somebody whose name ends in “asso”?

  • chicken thief

    Sure Walker has Chachi’s endorsement, but the coveted Opie Taylor endorsement is still up for grabs.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Well you know the old saw: As Chachi goes, so goes the nation.

      The Dems may as well not run a candidate next year :(

  • Blank Ron

    Okay, that’s Walker on the right, but why is he standing with a fat Dean Martin?

  • Bill Slider

    Got it.

  • Bill Slider

    When the GOP realizes all they need to do is change the name of Obamacare to Kochcare
    then claim victory and go home, the Queen of England will die, markets will crash, and US Americans will celebrate by waiving a pickle. Sounds phallic.

  • TrufflePig58

    If you think the repubs were ridiculous and outrageous when they (possibly for real) thought Obama’s policies were going to fail, wait until you see them as his policies succeed. (Funny, for all the wise european countries who went with austerity instead of spending in the recession, somehow our economy is doing better and our exchange rate is soaring in our favor. Damn you, Obama!)

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “There will be trivial disruptions — the BBC will cancel all comedy shows, for example….”

    So no “Happy Days” reruns?

  • TheBidenator

    You’re right, Chachi…Scott Walker has both the intellect and memory of Ronald Reagan.

  • Me not sure

    I thought Barasso was a powdered hand soap with 20 mules on the label.

    • mtn_philosoph

      I thought it was something that my father got treated for while he was serving in the Pacific during the war.

    • MrCanoehead

      No, it’s a metal polish.

      • Me not sure

        Thanks for clearing that up. Probably a dick polish too.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Gov. Walker sounds a lot like President Reagan.

    Damn, early onset, and him so young.

  • winnyfranfran

    Yes, autoplay on Netflix. Thank you very much.

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