A conservative media host has declared it unconstitutional for a creationist to be tried in court by anyone who isn’t another creationist, because echo chambers are the last defense against tyranny.
Dave Daubenmire is a professional loudmouth over at wingnut media hodgepodge News With Views. “Coach” Dave works for News with Views’ teevee branch, and for some time now has been following the unfolding drama of Kent “Dr. Dino” Hovind and his most recent legal troubles. Hovind was a creationist darling for many years for his stupid lectures on why “evolutionism” has the dumb and creationists are all about science. Hovind was particularly popular on the creation lecture circuit because he was seen as more “legitimate,” what with his doctorate (bought from a trailer park diploma mill) and his science background (he taught high school science at a ministry he founded), and thus it came as a shock to all his fellow Christians when this professional liar was convicted in 2006 for committing tax fraud, for which he is still serving his sentence. Now he’s on trial for committing mail fraud while in prison, and is just a mess if we’re to be honest.
Thankfully, Hovind has help. His old pal Coach Dave happens to be an amateur legal scholar, y’see, and he has some very smart people thoughts about that Constitution, specifically the requirement that defendants be tried by a jury of their peers. But what is a peer, really? If you ask Coach Dave, it’s someone who thinks and acts exactly like you do, which we’re pretty sure fits the legal definition of a clone.
Daubenmire argues that diversity and multiculturalism are “messed up,” and have led to the breakdown of the jury system, because now juries are no longer made up purely of people who “thought like you and acted like you” (like rich, white, conservative Christian men who tax-frauded, maybe?). Coach Dave thinks that a jury of Kent Hovind’s peers should only consist of people who believed the same things he does, which would be super convenient for Kent if the entire jury also believed that tax and mail fraud were A-OK. But no, Coach Dave believes that evolutionists should be banned from Dr. Dino’s jury because they can’t be unbiased toward a man who believes evolution leads to Hitler, Stalin, and George W. Bush (Kent’s words). Rather, only people who already agree with the defendant should be on his jury, because that ends bias apparently? Sure, let’s go with that.
The Coach uses an example in which a drug dealer is on trial for dealing drugs, and argues that it would be wrong to put someone on his jury who believes dealing drugs is wrong. So basically, only criminals can serve on a criminal’s jury? This is excellent news for our nation’s child molesters! If their jury is full of fellow kiddie diddlers, they’ll get those age of consent laws thrown out lickety split. Same rule goes for murderers, thieves, terrorists, and literally every criminal ever. Perfect legal system.
Of course, Dave doesn’t really believe his argument. He just wants special rules to apply to Kent, because of his belief that Christians are special and therefore should get special treatment for being so special. This is, after all, the guy who believed that the Separation of Church and State only applied to those other religions when he decided that for eight years he would preach Jesus at his public school football players, coercing them to pray before games, read religious literature, and have ministers come pray over their practices. Naturally Dave denied that he did so right up until he was caught doing so and the school lost $18,000 in a settlement, which in his mind probably meant he stood firm for Jesus (lying was often held up as one of the 7 Heavenly Virtues). His entire career since then has been making money on the professional victim circuit (noticing a trend?), and he seems to have found a cause in the plight of fellow law-breaker Kent Hovind.
Maybe, if Dave is lucky, the jury for Kent will consist solely of Daubenmire, Ken Ham, and Pat Robertson, though that last one will probably get kicked off because even he’s not stupid enough to believe the world is 6,000 years old. Jury pool keeps getting slimmer.