A conservative media host has declared it unconstitutional for a creationist to be tried in court by anyone who isn’t another creationist, because echo chambers are the last defense against tyranny.

Dave Daubenmire is a professional loudmouth over at wingnut media hodgepodge News With Views. “Coach” Dave works for News with Views’ teevee branch, and for some time now has been following the unfolding drama of Kent “Dr. Dino” Hovind and his most recent legal troubles. Hovind was a creationist darling for many years for his stupid lectures on why “evolutionism” has the dumb and creationists are all about science. Hovind was particularly popular on the creation lecture circuit because he was seen as more “legitimate,” what with his doctorate (bought from a trailer park diploma mill) and his science background (he taught high school science at a ministry he founded), and thus it came as a shock to all his fellow Christians when this professional liar was convicted in 2006 for committing tax fraud, for which he is still serving his sentence. Now he’s on trial for committing mail fraud while in prison, and is just a mess if we’re to be honest.

Thankfully, Hovind has help. His old pal Coach Dave happens to be an amateur legal scholar, y’see, and he has some very smart people thoughts about that Constitution, specifically the requirement that defendants be tried by a jury of their peers. But what is a peer, really? If you ask Coach Dave, it’s someone who thinks and acts exactly like you do, which we’re pretty sure fits the legal definition of a clone.

Daubenmire argues that diversity and multiculturalism are “messed up,” and have led to the breakdown of the jury system, because now juries are no longer made up purely of people who “thought like you and acted like you” (like rich, white, conservative Christian men who tax-frauded, maybe?). Coach Dave thinks that a jury of Kent Hovind’s peers should only consist of people who believed the same things he does, which would be super convenient for Kent if the entire jury also believed that tax and mail fraud were A-OK. But no, Coach Dave believes that evolutionists should be banned from Dr. Dino’s jury because they can’t be unbiased toward a man who believes evolution leads to Hitler, Stalin, and George W. Bush (Kent’s words). Rather, only people who already agree with the defendant should be on his jury, because that ends bias apparently? Sure, let’s go with that.

The Coach uses an example in which a drug dealer is on trial for dealing drugs, and argues that it would be wrong to put someone on his jury who believes dealing drugs is wrong. So basically, only criminals can serve on a criminal’s jury? This is excellent news for our nation’s child molesters! If their jury is full of fellow kiddie diddlers, they’ll get those age of consent laws thrown out lickety split. Same rule goes for murderers, thieves, terrorists, and literally every criminal ever. Perfect legal system.

Of course, Dave doesn’t really believe his argument. He just wants special rules to apply to Kent, because of his belief that Christians are special and therefore should get special treatment for being so special. This is, after all, the guy who believed that the Separation of Church and State only applied to those other religions when he decided that for eight years he would preach Jesus at his public school football players, coercing them to pray before games, read religious literature, and have ministers come pray over their practices. Naturally Dave denied that he did so right up until he was caught doing so and the school lost $18,000 in a settlement, which in his mind probably meant he stood firm for Jesus (lying was often held up as one of the 7 Heavenly Virtues). His entire career since then has been making money on the professional victim circuit (noticing a trend?), and he seems to have found a cause in the plight of fellow law-breaker Kent Hovind.

Maybe, if Dave is lucky, the jury for Kent will consist solely of Daubenmire, Ken Ham, and Pat Robertson, though that last one will probably get kicked off because even he’s not stupid enough to believe the world is 6,000 years old. Jury pool keeps getting slimmer.

[News With Views via Right Wing Watch / Pensacola News Journal / ACLU]

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  • ArgieBargie

    You know who else was a willing dumbass and didn’t want to be judged?

    • Nounverb911

      The entire republican party?

    • chicken thief

      Al Cowlings?

    • sw19womble


  • Nounverb911

    How about having the trial on a short pier? Then when the trial is over Hovind can take a long walk off it.

    Oh, oops! Jury of peers, I thought it said jury on a pier.

  • docterry6973

    Any of you being sued by disappointed lady friends should get me on your jury.

    • willi0000000

      me too . . . i’ve been disappointing the ladies for years . . . it’s one of my shortcomings . . . i think.

  • orygoon

    Sounds like the very same kind of logic that made the dinosaurs go extinct. Or something.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    Do you know what a clones biggest fear is?
    That they will grow up to be just like their parents.
    Thank you. Thank you, very much. You’ve been great…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You left out “try the veal!”.

      I’m afraid we’re going to have to take off points for that…

      • ThePuckStopsHere

        But I don’t like veal.

        • BackDoorMan

          … then you should have said “try the waitress”… (it’s an oldie, if mouldy standard)

          • ThePuckStopsHere

            Hey, oh!!!

  • Greg Fuderer

    makes sense. i think most murder trial juries consist of convicted murderers.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Speaking of points, I would think that such a jury would be heavily into style points as part of the entire deliberation process. “This guy just hacked and slashed without the slightest regard for artistic impression. I say he hangs for this!”

    • OneYieldRegular

      Well, if it’ll get me out of jury duty…

  • chicken thief

    And the suspect in a lynching should only be judged by 12 guys in white hoods also too!

  • Tallmutha

    Actually, Frank Zappa, who is mistaken by a lot of people for a smart guy, anticipated Coach Dave’s argument way back in 1968: “Unless those on trial are tried by people of the same peer group, meaning long-haired people judged by other long-haired people; drug-addicts judged by other drug-addicts; freaks by other freaks, I will never take the system seriously.”

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Frank really was pretty smart. But he was also often intentionally provocative (ever hear any of his lyrics?) and was likely making a point about how a freak was unlikely to get an unbiased jury after getting caught doing something illegally freaky, especially in 1968 USA.

      I don’t think he was asking for concrete changes in the legal system so much as pointing out its biases against minority groups. Which we still deal with today, so yeah, a conservative white Christian defendant doesn’t stand a chance against “the man.” :P

    • willi0000000

      Frank was freaky?

  • Peter J Reilly
  • beatbort

    I guarantee that if you look back through Coach Bloatface’s correspondence, you will discover that he has ignored several summons to jury duty during his lifetime. He’s just got no time for jury duty. He’s an important man.

  • Spotts1701

    Who presides over this court, Hippity Hopper?

  • Olav_Pompatus

    Just take this to its logical conclusion. If I’m being tried for a crime, let me tell you 12 times whether I think I’m guilty or not. Sure seems time-efficient!

    • OneYieldRegular

      I like it! Do you get 12x the mileage allowance that the court pays for jury duty?

  • memzilla

    More proof that we need to start heavily medicating the water supplies of entire states.

  • chicken thief

    “… when he decided that for eight years he would preach Jesus at his public school football players, coercing them to pray before games, read religious literature, and have ministers come pray over their practices.”

    At Catholic schools, the priests have preyed over their football players for years.

    • willi0000000

      not after they’re out of the Pop Warner leagues they don’t . . . the kids start to get a little too fightie-backie at that age . . . they have weight divisions that go up to 180 pounds!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Daubenmire argues that diversity and multiculturalism are “messed up,” and have led to the breakdown of the jury system

    Well, all whitey then.

    I know, I know. I’ll show myself out.

    • dshwa

      But you’ll be black.

    • Baby_Raptor

      I wonder what he thinks about Zimmerman’s trial? A jury loaded with old white ladies who got racism played all to hell and back and found a non-white guilty of shooting another non-white. Kid, might I add.

      Is that still “broken” to him?

  • JMPesq

    Isn’t that what “a jury of your peers” means, that if you are a creationist, then your jury should, like you, be composed only of the most stupid, idiotic mouth-breathing dumbfucks on the planet?

    • Jared James

      I suspect most juries are composed of creationists; they are, after all, people too stupid to get out of jury duty.

      • Biff52

        It was god’s will! Or god swill.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Seriously. Talk about answered prayers.

  • chicken thief

    “Daubenmire” is Gaelic for “fucking moran”.

  • junior friggster

    Some middle-aged white guy said this???? WHA??!

  • sw19womble

    Only rapists can sit in judgement on other rapists. Seems legit.

    • chicken thief

      “She was just asking for it.” wins out on the first ballot.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I insist on being tried by a Confederacy of Dunces.

    • sw19womble

      Having done jury duty, I can confirm that you’ll have no problem in that regard.

  • say wha

    “Okay, then. We’re gonna utilize the process of deliberation, examining the various puppitudes of this individual, and see If we can’t come up with us a verdict up in here. Now, why you think he done it?”

  • MrBlobfish

    Barkeep, give me a jury of my beers.

  • Guest

    Dubya and Cheney’s war crimes jury will be Dragomir Milošević, William Calley, Idi Amin, and Hitler (action figure sold separately)

    • Villago Delenda Est

      And the starting line-up of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

      • And Nixon.

        “Shut up, Dick! I did you a favour!” – Satan/Ned Flanders

  • deanbooth

    In wingnut world, “Coach” = “Rhode Scholar + PhD + Nobel Laureate.”

    • Bearpaw01

      Well, that depends. What was his win-loss record?

      Also, the Nobel Laureate equivalence only kicks in if he always says, “I expect everyone to give 110%!”. Because that shows his deep command of the math stuff.

  • beatbort

    And the jury shalt be designated “Twelve Nuts in a Box” and Planter’s shalt sue because that’s the name of their new candybar…

    • dshwa

      Twelve Nuts in a Box sounds like more like a porn film than a candy bar.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Oh, a jury of their peers? You mean droolling twits who don’t know how to avoid soiling themselves.

    So be it.

    • chicken thief

      GOP Senators can sit on juries?

  • sw19womble

    Hey, what about those of us with a god complex? :/

    • Baby_Raptor

      Well, you have about as much proof of your godhood as this man does for his invisible friend. Create a religion around yourself and profit from it!

      No fluffy Ponies, though. Fluffy Ponies are scary.

  • My next trial will be adorable with the entire jury wearing their fursuits.

    • Logic of Color

      with whips

      • sw19womble

        Isn’t that what got Naked Bunny in trouble in the first place?

    • Blank Ron

      Do you want me in the sergal suit, the sabertooth tiger, or the pony?

  • I’m quite certain that if the internet didn’t become a thing, most of the mouthbreathers and self-serving dipshits that are commonplace nowadays definitely would have taken longer to get a platform to shovel their horeshit into the world and getting people to jump on board with their ideology. Everything that doofus said makes me want to punch a puppy…a wingut puppy.

    • KenRob

      There is no such thing as a wingnut puppy, they’re all “Libruls.” Dogs are far too intelligent to swallow the pap these guys dish out. =)

      • I know a guy who’s dog thinks most black men are Obama and hates him because the owner hates him. The dog has tried to use me as a chew told on several occasions until the older had to point out I was not Obama.

        • KenRob

          Even dogs are susceptible to the hate their families have. They want to please, even racist bigots. So sad. Glad you escaped being a chew toy.

  • Mormos

    why did the taxpayers lose 18k because of this man’s stupidity? HE should have lost 18k and been forced into bankruptcy. As for the other thing

  • ManchuCandidate

    This new religious Craig T. Nelson has not only gotten dumber but he’s also less funny.

  • Toomush_Infer

    on the theory that only rapists and serial killers should judge rapists and serial killers….

  • Bill Slider

    If I am black, all the jurors must be black. If I am gay, all jurors must be gay. If I have a penis all jurors must have a penis. If I am left-handed all jurors must be left handed. If I am a black male and President of a country all jurors must be black male Presidents of a country.

    • Blank Ron

      Now you got it!

  • Toomush_Infer

    Then nobody could judge Toomush….that might be ok….Toomush’s wife does not agree….

  • Bitter Scribe

    “The trouble with the jury system is in finding 12 men who don’t know anything and can’t read.”
    –Mark Twain

    • ez

      no trouble at all in some parts of the country.

      • Jared James

        This is Pensacola, Florida we’re talking about. I’m a bit surprised they found a judge who can read.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    Does Coach Dave realize that Justin Harris is one of his peers?

    • KenRob

      They’re BFFs together with the rest of the ChristoFascist criminals.

  • Thomas Brown

    Memo to Wingnuts: Words already have meanings.

    That is all.

  • Iron Monkey

    “Hitler, Stalin, and George W. Bush”

    Well he has a few good ideas…

  • beatbort

    Judge: Well, Mr. Hovind, we went ahead and applied Coach Dave’s idea about selecting the jury. But I got some bad news.
    Kent Hovind: What’s that, y’honor?
    Judge: We just couldn’t find 12 peckerheads as plumb ignorant as you are. So we are just gonna go ahead without a jury. I’ll be judge AND jury.
    Kent Hovind: Why, that Coach Dave! Wait’ll I git my hands on him….
    Judge: AFTER you get out of prison, son….

  • Smirnonn

    Ya, I want every decision to be made by people JUST LIKE MEEEEE. “Yer honor, I’ll just provide my own 12 mirrors, thank you.”

    • Hardly Ideal

      Oh hell no, I would NOT want 12 of me to talk about anything. You can’t even imagine how awkward that’d be.

      “Your honor, we’re requesting a 15 minute recess so Hardlys 5, 7, and 8 can stop talking about the new Homeworld game.”

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Say, you know who else was like Hitler, Stalin and George W. Bush?

    • noen

      A writing desk? Am I doing this right?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        No, that was the answer to “Who else was like Caligula, Ozymandius and George H. W. Bush?” But thank you for playing “Say, You Know Who Else?”

        • willi0000000

          OT but years ago i had a comment yanked on Fark for being off-topic . . . it referenced Ozymandius.

          it had to do with a photoshop contest entry showing the gravestone of the republican party which i thought was perfectly placed.

          i think they didn’t know who Ozymandius was . . . i’m extremely grateful that there isn’t a reference so obscure that someone here won’t get it.

          [hey . . . i only went there for the p-shop contests back when they were good]

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I have to admire Coach Daub’s mastery of arcane legalish vocabumentary:

    Coach: Objection, your Honor. This jury is kinda messed up. And it’s not germane. I don’t see a single German on this jury.

    Judge: Your point being…?

    Coach: My point being my mind goes crazy sometimes.

    Judge: In that case, objection sustained.

  • kindness

    Knock, knock, knock.

    Dave’s not here!

  • Strawberry Shortfuse

    Justin and Martha Harris enthusiastically embrace this legal interpretation and are providing their lawyers their full rolodex fundamentalist wackjobs who also irresponsibly abused the powers of office to bring two vulnerable and high-needs children into their home, abused them, then handed them over to a sexual predator and tried to hush it up. It’s gonna be hard to whittle it down to 12 plus alternates.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    I always say a jury of my peers could never convict me. Because I have none.

  • brucej

    That’s it! I’m cloning 14 of myself (12 +2 alternates) for any future jury needs! I’d never convict myself of anything, and you can’t get more ‘peer’ than 12 exact copies!

  • Arthur Paliden

    Maybe the Creator will crate a successful defense for him.

  • Baby_Raptor

    Well of course. Someone who holds his beliefs will let him off no matter what he actually did.

    Cronyism is only wrong when the Liberals do it.

  • Brendan_M

    As an Ohiocan who remembers this asshole from many years ago, and who lived nearby where this asshole moved to after losing his coaching job and had to hear about his asshole behavior in my local paper, I’m very upset with Wonkette for disappointing me by revealing that this asshole is still alive. Dick move, Wonkette. I remember about a decade ago Daubenmire’s son was arrested and convicted on child pornography charges. I always assumed the young man was the patsy for “Coach” when his stash of kiddie porn was discovered.

  • Brendan_M

    Also, he was buddies with and the spokesman for that lovely teacher who burned a cross into a student in Ohio a while back. To be fair, the kid probably had it coming.

    • KenRob

      Thanks for the link. Somehow I missed the story.

  • Blank Ron

    He wants a jury of his peers? Fair enough. I don’t mind peeing on him. We got eleven more volunteers for this?

  • TheBidenator

    Jesus if we had to host a trial by this guys peers we’d have two ferns, a llama, a brain slug and George Dubya Bush…what a fucking idiot.

    • willi0000000

      , , , and some really stupid moss.

  • Annie Towne

    Actually, having a jury made up of other pedophiles would not necessarily work out in such a defendants favor, for those jurors might very well have very strict, inflexible morals to do with right and wrong as regards children. I knew a psychiatrist who explained that one of his (imprisoned) patients believed that children reach sexual maturity at age six (the age at which he was himself molested), and that any man who touched one younger than that deserved the death penalty. He said this sort of thing was not at all uncommon. The mental kink, for lack of a better word, that creates pedophilia in no way interferes with what you could call normal moral development and reasoning; it just makes one particular area different from the rest of us. In fact, the other pedophiles might have stronger morals, flavored as they are by their own troubled consciences, leading them to convict and sentence much more harshly than the rest of us.

  • willi0000000

    i could supply a jury of my peers + alternates just from the voices in my head.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Why do the protagonists in so many of these stories resemble Cliff Clavin? Are there really this many weird people out there? Probabilistically, should I have encountered at least one of these people by now?

  • James Wiske

    I went to the YouTube page for this video to verify some suspicions… Yep, commenting for the video is turned off. Kent-boy isn’t on trial for creationism – he’s on trial for mail fraud so this guy’s already bad analogies of drug-dealer juries (which of course he doesn’t really believe in – he just wants special rights for a select group of Christians) are way off. It would be more akin to Tom Cruise being on trial as a drug-dealer, and Scientologists demanding a jury of people who believe in Xenu for his trial.

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