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Maybe not so ready for Planet Hillary just yet

The New York Times reported an explosive breaking exclusive ZOMG! Clinton scandal on Monday night, so turn on the Drudge Siren and grab your splooge sock because CLINTON SCANDAL!!!!

Hillary Rodham Clinton exclusively used a personal email account to conduct government business as secretary of state, State Department officials said, and may have violated federal requirements that officials’ correspondence be retained as part of the agency’s record.

Mrs. Clinton did not have a government email address during her four-year tenure at the State Department. Her aides took no actions to have her personal emails preserved on department servers at the time, as required by the Federal Records Act.

The media and politicos and Twitterati immediately responded with all the measured cautious skepticism we’ve come to expect in response to any implication of a Clinton Scandal. That is to say, none. Because when it comes to all things Clinton, it’s perfectly permissible and expected that we jump straight to the declaration that This Latest Terrible Offensegate is yet more conclusive evidence Hillary Clinton is hiding A Thing: her secret lesbianism or her torrid affair with the Muslim Brotherhood or Vince Foster’s body or how she personally did Benghazi to America.

Still, the Times says Clinton may have violated federal regulations, and that’s bad, isn’t it? Sure. Not that the Times specifies which part of the Federal Records Act she may have violated. But as The Daily Banter points out, the Federal Records Act was passed in 1950 and did not include electronic communication until November 2014, when President Obama signed H.R. 1233 into law, updating and amending the Act for the first time since its passage. That would be after Clinton “possibly” violated the rules. Minor details.

The Times also informs us that Clinton is not the first government official, or even secretary of state, to use her personal email account to conduct official government bidness. Former Secretary of State Colin Powell did the same thing. As for former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, there’s no mention of her email practices, probably because the majority of her communication was sending love doodles to her “husband” George Dubya Bush.

But, see, this unprecedented-but-precedented practice is an extra-special retroactively possibly illegal offense because a former director of litigation at the National Archives and Records Administration — who is a Republican by the way, but the Times doesn’t mention that because he’s probably unbiased anyway and would have no partisan motivation for criticizing Clinton — says it’s real bad:

“It is very difficult to conceive of a scenario — short of nuclear winter — where an agency would be justified in allowing its cabinet-level head officer to solely use a private email communications channel for the conduct of government business[.]” […]

“I can recall no instance in my time at the National Archives when a high-ranking official at an executive branch agency solely used a personal email account for the transaction of government business,” said Mr. Baron, who worked at the agency from 2000 to 2013.

So then the real issue isn’t that a high-ranking government official used private email, it’s that a high-ranking official used private email exclusively, when the unidentified code of the Federal Records Act that Clinton possibly or maybe not violated clearly says this is only OK if you do it sometimes, but not all the times. Or in case of NUCLEAR WINTER!

So how did we even find out that Clinton was evading government regulations (or not) by using her private email account? Because Gawker reported on it in 2013, as part of a story about a hacker called “Guccifer” revealing emails between Clinton, from her private account, and former aide Sidney Blumenthal. Gawker pointed out that Clinton’s use of a private email account was “not strictly a violation” of federal regulations, as long as those emails are archived. But apparently no one reads Gawker, so that years-old story doesn’t count, and Clinton’s use of a private email account for government business is new news, which we only learned about because the State Department asked Clinton to turn over her emails, so the department could comply with more recent regulations, which is exactly what Clinton did, after her “advisers reviewed tens of thousands of pages of her personal emails and decided which ones to turn over to the State Department,” totaling 55,000 pages.

OK, so we don’t know exactly how her advisers determined which emails to turn over and which ones to deem personal and private and not relevant. But hey, it’s Hillary Clinton, so we should probably assume the worst. And you know how those Clintons are:

The revelation about the private email account echoes longstanding criticisms directed at both the former secretary and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, for a lack of transparency and inclination toward secrecy.

What does Bill Clinton have to do with this story? Nothing really, but we’re pretty sure the stylebook at the Times specifies there’s no such thing as a gratuitous dig at the Clintons, whether it’s relevant to the story or not. It’s always relevant! That’s why Maureen Dowd is still on the payroll; she’s uniquely gifted at shoe-horning Clinton jabs into any ol’ story that is in no way about the Clintons at all.

Anyway, when you remove all the hyperbolic quotes and speculation about “possibly” this and that, and the obligatory reminder that Bill Clinton once lied about a beej #NeverForget, what are we left with? Hillary Clinton did a thing that government officials do that they should not do, which is why there are regulations about that now saying they should not do that. Wow, what a game-changer that suddenly makes all those Republican 2016 hopefuls electable because none of them have their own transparency issue. Like Jeb Bush, who gleefully jumped on the Clinton story Monday night:

Screen Shot 2015-03-03 at 9.11.06 AM

Yeah, Jeb’s so damned transparent, his campaign team asked its newly hired and then almost immediately fired tech genius to delete some super offensive tweets he’d posted before he’d joined Jeb’s team, because if you delete them, it’s like they never existed. Transparency!

Anyway, we are sure the various Republican-controlled investigative committees in the House of Representatives will be all over this story, demanding that Clinton turn over every email and sext and thought bubble she’s ever had and testifying about what LOLcat videos she forwarded and when and to whom and why, and then we will have all the answers about whether she did a bad thing or an illegal thing or a no big deal thing, or if the truth is somewhere in between, except who cares about the truth, it’s Hillary Clinton, who is married to Bill Clinton’s lying penis, so CLINTON SCANDAL!!!

[NYT/The Daily Banter/Gawker]

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  • FZsdaughter

    The Daily Nontroversy.

  • Toomush_Infer

    What she shoulda (maybe did) done was to dish all the dirt she knew on those Republican sens and reps on her “private” e-mail, then wait to see how the Times responded as they become news….

    • Blank Ron

      Maybe she did and that’s why they’re so upset?

  • MsAnthropesMr

    I don’t want to see Jeb Bush’s emails. You can’t make me.

  • memzilla

    PRE-INPEECH!!1!!

    • Blank Ron

      That will save some time once she’s elected. She can go from the inauguration straight to the hearings!

      • MOG253

        The hearings will never end. Oh, wait, that’s already happening.

  • whatwhomever

    INOKIYHC (it’s not OK if you’re Hillary Clinton).

  • Ruhe

    Nuclear Winter? Because in that case the russkies would certainly have knocked out all of our .gov email accounts so using your yahoo account would be totally necessary, although still possibly a court martial-able offense.

  • orygoon

    “Emailghazi” isn’t easy to say.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      EGHAZI!!!!!!!!? Naw, too short and might be pronounced egg-ghazi and suggest a scandal concerning Mrs. Romney.

      How about EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGHAZI!!!!!,1,!!!!1!?

    • SmokinGood

      iGhazi?

      • Blank Ron

        I downloaded that from the App Store but all it does is go through my files looking for something. Over, and over, and over…

    • whatwhomever

      and difficult to masturbate to.

  • Beowoof14

    Judith Miller is back at the times?

  • Ikimizi

    Nuclear winter is the GOP’s solution to global warming, if that turns out to be real.

  • Lizzietish81

    I think the bigger scandal is that the state department IT people can’t apparently work microsoft outlook

    • SmokinGood

      I’m not sure that anybody can manage outlook properly. At least I’ve never seen it happen.

      • Vienna Woods

        One of the things I will not miss when I retire.

        • SmokinGood

          One of my absolute favorite things was how, in the second decade of the 21st century, my university gave us some miniscule amount of space on the Outlook servers for our official email accounts, like 100MB or something. Then, just to make it extra fun, the administration would bomb everyone on campus with daily garbage emails just chock to the brim with completely unnecessary images, which, of course, were embedded in the messages and not linked to on external servers.

          • Vienna Woods

            They gave us Windows 8 tablets and skydrive accounts, and then , I ran out of storage space. The tablets and the skydrive don’t have enough memory. I now have to store all videos on a separate memory stick. (history teacher so lots of videos) Yeah, that’s useful. Thanks.

      • DahBoner

        At my last job, I would have to manually archive my emails to prevent them from automatically being deleted, because the Outlook automatic archive rules DIDN’T WORK!!!! 1! 1!

    • SnarkOff

      To be fair, no one can.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Microshaft Outrage

      fixed.

  • orygoon

    Also I think it is very peculiar that people are saying that she should not have used personal email stuff because it is not secure. So lately hackerpeople and “whistleblowers” only look at non-USA-government things, says nobody.

  • SmokinGood

    What a shock. I feel like I understand the situation more thoroughly after reading Wonkette than after reading the NYT. Completely unprecedented.

  • schmannity

    If only Christopher Stevens had had her email, Benghazi could have been averted.

  • memzilla

    LOL. She just relied on the NSA to archive everything.

    • HarryButtle

      And you know Barry totally had them keep an eye on her…

      • DahBoner

        You know they were taking frequent bathroom breaks at the NSA monitoring center in Hillsdale whenever Hills logged onto HotChicks. Com

  • SnarkOff

    Was it AOL, comcast or hotmail?

    • DahBoner

      “We own All of ’em, Katy! ” –The NSA

    • jenn

      She had one of their servers in her house?! holy shit, NOW it’s a scandal. lol

  • freakishlystrong

    This is sorta why I’m not ready for Hillary. We’ve had six years of non-stop, Brass Band, “scandals” and conspiracy theories, we even write laws and have SCOTUS decisions based on them, which is what conservatives do when they’re not governing shittily. I realize any (D) is going to get shanked, but the Clinton hate is tired.

    • artem1s

      So tired of all the scandals, Obama should totally resign and hand over the White House to Boehner The Orange Hammer. That will save us from all the terrorist Rethugican shankings forever!

      Also,too, Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket….

      /FFS

    • HarryButtle

      That’s a feature, not a bug. I remember feeling the same way after Bill’s 8 years and thinking, “It won’t be so bad if the Republican wins the next one. It’ll shut those fucking people up and the country’s in good shape…how much harm could a Republican really do?”

      Boy, did I underestimate the Shrub, or what?

    • MOG253

      Yeah, if Elizabeth Warren gets elected, they’ll have to invent completely new s&^t!

    • MOG253

      Yeah, if Elizabeth Warren gets elected, they’ll have to invent completely new s&^t!

    • LIT_Fag

      We can endure, just by rolling our eyes. But maybe after 16 years of “scandals”, whining, bitching, and 650 votes to try to repeal Obamacare, maybe every independent and even some moderates will be so disgusted that they never vote R again.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Can you see Jeb’s tweets? No?
    There you go: transparent.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      See Jeb’s twat?!
      “Transparency” should NOT include your pants! This is what happens when you hire media people who have The Gay!!1

  • cousin itt

    Remember how Reagan used to send messages via carrier pigeon?

    • Blank Ron

      Cuz it’s not like Ronnie could ever remember.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Did they archive the Horoscopes that he used?

  • MrBlobfish

    Which jackal will head the House Select Committee that investigates this?

    • weejee

      That Godwin’s Lawbreaker Bibi (R, Tel Aviv)

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Bibi (R, Ramallah)

        Fixed.

    • say wha

      AOT, K.

  • dslindc

    I demand the House have at least 17 hearings into this matter so they can get to the bottom of EMAILBENGHAZIGATE!!!!11!

    • weejee

      Chaired by new member of Congress Bibi Nyetandyahoo?

      • dslindc

        Well ok, but what will noted fame whore, Jason Chaffetz, do for fun?

  • Ghost Buggy

    Heh. I’m reading this shortly after seeing an old clip of Paul Mooney talking about Condoleeza Rice and W.’s relationship. (“The question of the night is, does Bush eat Rice?”)

  • Metadude

    GMAILGHAZI!!!!!1111

  • ArgieBargie

    “I did not have textual relations with that Google.”

    — Hillary Clinton.

    • HarryButtle

      Oh, that’s good.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    All things considered, it was a pretty dumbassed thing to do…

  • exinkwretch

    This is the same shit Caribou Barbie pulled in Alaska. It is unacceptable whomever does it. Secrecy and democracy do not co-exist.

    • JohnnyZhivago2

      Sorry, Palin had an excuse…. Only AOL allows ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME. Plus they would not give her sexygilfxxxooo@mail.ak.us

  • Spotts1701

    Yes, because we are all aware of how super-secure government e-mail is and no one ever leaks from those addresses.

  • say wha

    Of course the only solution to this latest crisis is to repeal Obamacare.

    • freakishlystrong

      And lower taxes on the wealthy, or course, also, too.

      • ThePuckStopsHere

        And tort reform, natch.

  • Callyson

    UPDATE: Times reporter Michael Schmidt clarified the apparent rule violation onMorning Joe:

    “Explicit regulations were in place when Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State that said they had to be retaining her emails on government servers in an active sense,” Schmidt said. “The argument that Hillary Clinton’s side makes is, well, she was sending a lot of emails to the State Department so they were being caught. But what they didn’t address was the emails that she may have sent to other government departments, the White House, foreign leaders, friends, other Americans. Those people didn’t have State Department email accounts, and the emails were not being caught in the State Department’s web because they were elsewhere. So it doesn’t really answer the question.”

    Which regulation are we talking about? He’s still not clear about that.

    If I hadn’t already cancelled my NYT subscription over the sexist way Jill Abramson was treated, this crappy reporting would drive me to do so.

    Oh, and Michael, honey?

  • Callyson

    And by the way:

    Meanwhile, regarding those really, really secure State Department servers, let’s flash back to 2010, right in the middle of Clinton’s term as Secretary of State:

    A vast treasure trove of secret State Department cables obtained by the Web site WikiLeaks has exposed the inner workings of U.S. diplomacy, as well as bluntly candid assessments by American diplomats, according to news organizations granted advance access to the more than 250,000 confidential documents.

    So, it’s possible that whatever technology Clinton used was more secure than State’s.

    Zing!

  • freakishlystrong

    So, she was Sec of State for 4 and has been gone for 2 and we’re just now noticing her emails were sent from sxypantsuits@gmail?

  • elpinche

    Jeb, no one wants to read your boring ass emails. #NoOneCares

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Snore. Email me when the Slimes digs up a story on the time she tied the family dog to the roof of the station wagon.

    • Callyson

      My two dogs approve this message.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Whew. Thank heavens comments on Disqus aren’t archived.

  • Biff52

    reagan didn’t use a gummint email account, either.

    • ThePuckStopsHere

      That’s only because he forgot his password.

  • Mormos

    can’t wait til next year when I get a choice between a second Clinton or a third Bush. Democracy!

    To quote Boss Tweed, “I don’t care who does the electing so long as I do the nominating.”

    wolf-pac.com

  • Yawn. Doesn’t matter what the non story is. Squirrel or Benghazi or blowjobs or now this. Pathetic diversions from the craven plundering the repulicrapstheirpants party subjects us too. Getting old and tired and strictly to pander to the gray haired diaper crowd to occupy their time in between Peoples Court and Judge Judy.

    • AnOuthouse

      then nap time before O’Reilly

    • AnOuthouse

      then nap time before O’Reilly

    • jenn

      Investing BJ’s is reasonable. This one, is, phht.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    Whatever you do, don’t go to a website called JebBushSheMales.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Not about to Google the existence of that, but what would be awesome is if the Kochs had to buy that domain from someone, to you know, maintain control of their The Bush Brand™

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Not about to Google the existence of that, but what would be awesome is if the Kochs had to buy that domain from someone, to you know, maintain control of their The Bush Brand™

  • BlueStateLibel

    So when do the impeachment proceedings start? Before or after she beats Jeb Bush?

  • onedollarjuana

    TO BE FAIR, the Left was pretty upset when the Bush Administration was using personal email accounts for official gummit bizness.

    Of course, they were trying to turn America into the oligarchic, third-world, police state that it is rapidly approaching, so there’s that.

    • HogeyeGrex

      True dat, but also to be fair, the Bushies were using them so they could conduct business off the books on purpose, not sending to official accounts that get archived. It was, like most everything else they did, intentional ratfucking.
      It sounds like Hillz just wasn’t thinking it through. She shouldn’t have done this, but obviously tried to make it right, as opposed to the Bushies, who secure overwrote all the hard drives of anyone in the know at the end of their term, and shredded in volumes to embarrass a million stoner hair-metal guitarists on skateboards going down Everest.
      http://wonkette.com/211028/shreddin-with-dick

  • Bobo Yeats Druid-Jones VIII

    I hope she turned over the SPAM, too. You can learn so much about someone from their SPAM.

    • SmokinGood

      Unfortunately, HRC is exactly the type of person who, if her address gets out, will find themselves subscribed to thousands of new gay porn feeds on a daily basis, courtesy of the 101st fighting keyboards.

      • Bobo Yeats Druid-Jones VIII

        I’ll bet there’s a lot of Group-on in it.

  • georgiaburning

    If she was sending love notes to General Petraeus lots of heads will explode

  • calliecallie

    Must be a slow news day.

  • HarryButtle

    You call that a scandal? No sex? No drugs? No murder?

    Pics of her pegging the young poolboy or GTFO.

  • elpinche

    When Demrats do it: ZOMG!! NUCULAR WINTER!!! BENGHAZI!!!
    When Repugs do it: Whatever it takes for freedom and war on terror , 911, troops, Jesus!!

    • jenn

      lmao at nucular winter. lol. that was the best line of all. … And said by some random former archivist, where did they find that dude. lolololol.

  • AnOuthouse

    Personally, I don’t like my chocolate in my peanut butter but maybe she likes reading boner pill spam at work and they filter that.

  • AnOuthouse

    Personally, I don’t like my chocolate in my peanut butter but maybe she likes reading boner pill spam at work and they filter that.

  • Sheepshagger

    Dick Cheney, when queried by a trembling reporter, looked up from the small Pakistani child he was extracting the still beating heart from and snarled “Amateur”.

  • Poly_Ester

    States-craft should be conducted in public like Nixon and Kissinger did, not to mention Team Cheney?

    • HogeyeGrex

      I’m sure they wouldn’t object if she had secret, closed door meetings with oil company execs to write energy policy. They can’t be hypocrites.

  • DahBoner

    Unlike Hillary (who was never elected), Dick Cheney WAS elected, and he knew how important it was to comply with the letter of the law.

    And that’s why Cheney took careful notes at his Secret Energy meetings, because Cheney knew how important it was for those records to be preserved, consistent with the Federal Records Act.

    In fact, here’s the full and complete transcript right here:

    GO FUCK YOURSELF.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Issa: But but but… Benghazi? BENGHAZI!!!

  • jenn

    Spot on.

  • Guess what: Everything Hillary did was legal.
    period.

    http://www.scribd.com/mobile/doc/257587954/html5

  • bernieo

    Please please everyone read “Fools for Scandal” by Gene Lyons which clearly documented the media’s complicity in the Clinton pseudo scandals of the 90’s. The extremely well documented “The Hunting of the President” by Lyons and Joe Conason is an eye opening look into the vicious, dishonest tactics and the willingness of the lamestream “liberal” media to be used and to have fun playing along with those rubes from Arkansas who dared to become more powerful than the Kool Kids fro DC High. The Whitewater pseudo scandal was based solely on the word do one guy – traffic judge David Hale who had been caught scamming us taxpayers of a couple of million $$ through a Small Business Admin scam and was looking to make a deal – which he got from Mr. Nonpartisan (according to the MSM) Ken Starr. Yet the NY Times never reported that, preferring instead to allow their reporter Jeff Gerth be used as a mouthpiece for right wing operatives to promote the “scandal”. This was exactly the same thing that happened later with Judith Miller being allowed to act as a spokesperson for Cheney and Chalabi’s WMD lies. Others in the media – Knight Ridder’s Landay and Strobel and CBS’s Bob Simon to name a few – were reporting that the CIA analysts had serious doubts about the WMD evidence but the Times trumped them. (Watch Bill Moyers’ “Buying the War” to see interviews with these guys as well as Tim Russert who excused his missing the story by complaining that no one called to tell him there were doubts. No lie.)

    People really need to understand two things. First the right will attack any Democrat. And the Clintons are the exception in that they have actually fought back against the right and won. Lest you are tempted to buy into the MSM’s claim that it is the Clinton’s fault never forget that Republicans had no qualms about viciously lying about John Kerry’s well deserved Vietnam medal in order to reelect a guy who bailed on his cushy National Guard gig and his chicken hawk draft dodging puppet master, Darth Cheney.

    Second the media will either play along or do little to counter right wing smears. For example when Repugs lied about Gore claiming to have invented the Internet so that voters would not hear that Gore played a key role in the creation of the Internet by pushing Congress to pony up the money needed. No money, no internet. This is something guys like Vint Webber and even Newtie have said. The media did little to make sure voters had this important info about Gore’s accomplishments. In fact many of them joined in mocking Gore For exaggerating. I once heard Chris Matthews admit he knew it was not true. Sadly that did not stop him from repeating the claim. Heck the media never even others to pint out how stupid the birther claim really was. Obama could have been born on Mars and he would still be an American citizen from birth because his mother was one.

    To reiterate, the right wing will say anything to win and get people to lie to support their bogus smears. The media will either ignore it, or play along if they don’t like the Dem’s candidate (like they did with the Clintons and Gore.)

    Forgot one more critical thing. The MSM has never held the Bush’s feet to the fire. Not Poppy for lying about being a key player in the illegal, unconstitutional Contra affair. Not Jr. for being AWOL or for his clear insider trading while at Harken Energy. And not Jeb for his palling around with the vicious anti Castro terrorist Orlando Bosch. (Jeb got daddy to release Bosch from US custody.) or for lobbying on behalf of his mobbed up business associate Miguel Recarey who scammed Medicare out of millions then fled the country or his other associate Camilo Padredo who bilked HUD out of millions. Google it because the NY Times isn’t likely to cover a story about the aristocratic Bushes. (Google brother Neil’s S&L scam and his consorting with high priced prostitutes just for laughs.)

    It is way past time Democrats fought back against the right wing scandal machine with facts about the corrupt, dishonest players on right before we get yet another disastrous right winger president. The media will not stand up to the right wing bullies so we have to arm ourselves with provable facts and get the truth out before people make up their minds based on spin (like Jeb being a moderate. )

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