Never say that Georgia Republican Tom Kirby isn’t fighting for What Matters. Many politicians enter public service because there is something in their hearts that compels them to do it, for the good of their people, and Georgia state Rep. Tom Kirby is no exception. He will protect Georgians from the scourge of human jellyfish fetuses, because that his is calling in life! You didn’t know this was a problem affecting Georgia? That is because you are clearly stupid, let Tom’s website (the URL of which inexplicably ends with “pretty photo”) tell you:

We in Georgia are taking the lead on this issue.

Unlike the other 49, who are carelessly letting the glow-in-the-dark people run wild.

Human life at all stages is precious including as an embryo. We need to get out in front of the science and technology, before it becomes something no one wants. The mixing of Human Embryos with Jellyfish cells to create a glow in the dark human, we say not in Georgia.

Leave that to South Carolina or Alabama, let Lindsey Graham and Alabama’s Chief Justice Roy Moore glow like gay nightlights, NOT IN GEORGIA. We are relieved that Tom will help us GET IN FRONT OF SCIENCE, because we all know what happens when science is in front of you, you learn things and make breakthroughs and suddenly everybody starts evolutioning each other, right in front of the children, NOT IN GEORGIA!

Tom just wants to make sure that when we do science, we are not destroying embryos, because Abortion, but we did not know that “light it up” was a third option between “let it become a beautiful baby” and “kill it!”

Here is another thing Tom is working on:

Kirby also introduced legislation last week that would make it unlawful for “any person or entity to intentionally or knowingly create or attempt to create an in vitro human embryo by any means other than fertilization of a human egg by a human sperm.”

A reporter from a Georgia news station caught up with Kirby to ask for an explanation of his bill and why someone might want to mix human and jellyfish DNA.

“To make them glow in the dark is the only thing I know of,” he told Channel 2.

Yes, because all the other liberal uses for jelly-people hybrids are a secret, and we are Not Telling. We are relieved, though, that his bill only bans INTENTIONALLY creating a human embryo with something other than a sperm and egg, because what if we are in Georgia and accidentally create one while we are cooking? Don’t wanna go to jail for that, I was just trying to make falafel!

He also said he has not seen evidence that anyone in Georgia is trying to create human-jellyfish hybrids. “I’ve had people tell me it is, but I have not verified that for sure,” Kirby said. “It’s time we either get in front of it or we’re going to be chasing our tails.”

“We’re going to stand up and say that Frankenstein-type science is not going to happen in Georgia anymore,” Kirby said. “That’s something that we really need to get rid of here.”

He has not seen evidence, you guys, of anyone in Georgia doing the people-jellyfish, but it’s something that we “really need to get rid of” and that “is not going to happen in Georgia anymore.” You know that thing when you are having a hard time making a joke because the joke is already written? That is happening to your Wonkette right now, it is tough. Also, you don’t want to be chasing your tails on this issue, because you know who ELSE has a tail? Jellyfish. (No they don’t.)

Kirby also says in this here video that he is concerned about getting jellyfish embryos to do sex to cow embryos, effectively making glow-in-the-dark cows, and that is A Outrage, because that is cheating at the rules of Cow Tipping, it’s not fair if one team’s cows glow and the other ones don’t.

Anyway, nobody send Tom this article about how humans actually ALREADY glow in the dark, it will give him wingnut nightmares and he will wake up crying, because he is such a dipshit.

[Tom Kirby/Huffington Post]

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  • freakishlystrong

    “Sea Monkeys are coming to take our jerbs!!1”

  • formerChild

    When I used to drink, I often glowed in the dark. One wonders what manner of non-procreative, asexual, genetically interesting encounters I must have been having, but have no memory of. I hope I enjoyed them.

  • noen

    Glow in the dark PENIS.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    He is way in front of the science. Glow-in-the-dark technology will be perfected on unicorns first, long before humans.

  • Callyson

    The mixing of Human Embryos with Jellyfish cells to create a glow in the dark human, we say not in Georgia.

    I have read this sentence three times and it still does not make any sense. Is this something that can only be understood by a person on drugs?

    • Hemp Dogbane

      What say you?

  • Lizzietish81

    Personally, I’m in it for the stinging tentacles.

  • SmilingMightyJesus

    People in Georgia have tails?

    • chicken thief

      I have read that on the internetz.

      • jmk

        Then it must be troo.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    He’s going to freak when he finds out about the Spongebob movie.

  • Lizzietish81

    Does this also cover man on beast sex, cause he could lose a large voting block with that stance.

  • JohnBull

    “Don’t wanna go to jail for that, I was just trying to make falafel!”
    In Georgia you DO go to jail for that.

  • Nounverb911

    Wouldn’t glow-in-the-dark people negate the need for the local cops to use night vision goggles in their quests to find skittle-eating hoodie wearing people?

  • Lizzietish81
  • exinkwretch

    I wonder if he understands genetics to the point that knowing mixing brother’s sperm with sister’s egg often produces slack-jawed yokels that end up in the Georgia legislature.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall


  • Ethelwulf Mountbatten de Roths

    You can not stop the natural course of Evolution.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I’m pretty sure man-on-pony sex is still allowed, though.

  • Adrian

    As God as my witness I’ll never glow in the dark again!

  • Lizzietish81

    Maybe he’s thinking of the Slime people

  • Metadude

    Obviously part of a devious plot by the Lizard People.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    If we combined jellyfish and cows, couldn’t that lead to combination butter/jelly? I’d support that type of research.

  • el_donaldo

    Now that I know about this technology, I’m seriously motivated to move somewhere it’s allowed because I want to see glow-in-the-dark kids. I want to have glow-in-the-dark kids. I want to go the playground at night and watch them use the slides and swings!

    • jmk

      Think of the savings in nightlights alone!!

  • Capt.Jim

    I’d say iffin they fuck a jellyfish and dont get stung then more power to jellyfish folks to live in harmony with the rest of the globs of dead tissue in Georgia

  • Mahousu

    Facebook helpfully suggested I also look at this link:

    The description is rather incoherent: “Scientists in South China injected pigs with a protein from jellyfish DNA in an attempt to discover new medicines.” OK, so were they injected with the DNA or simply with the bioluminescent protein the DNA codes for? I assume the former, but …

    More importantly, though, look at the one scientist’s fingernails when they switch to black light. He’s glowing, too! It’s already been done! And he’s heading for Georgia even as we speak!

  • Ilgattomorte

    His bill only bans in vitro fertilization. This does not stop you from making sweet, sweet jellyfish love in an attempt to create your own glow-in-the-dark jelly-baby.

    At least that’s why I tell people I’m doing it.

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      Ouch, ouch

  • Nounverb911

    Can they use this new technology to make glow in the dark dashboard Jeebus’s?

    • el_donaldo

      Yes. As tiny, wiggly homunculi that live in your car. You have to feed them a steady diet of fish and communion wafers, though.

  • whatwhomever

    But can he protect us from live-in-the-dark-ages moron people? Obviously not.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I’ve often heard that pregnant women have a special glow. How could you tell if a woman is carrying a normal baby or the glow-in-the-dark kind? If the latter, would an abortion be in order? And in what color or colors would these iridescent-Americans glow? Would you need a blah light to see them? I need to get out ahead of the science NOW.

  • Olav_Pompatus

    Best. Lava Lamp. Idea. Ever!!!

  • Antonin Dvorak

    The more time he spends on this, the less time for him to ban actual science in Georgia.

  • mardam422

    “It’s time we either get in front of it or we’re going to be chasing our tails.”
    Human/dog hybrids must be OK.

    • Tess

      Maybe his tail isn’t vestigal. Maybe he has one tucked up in his shorts, chafing him, and that is where alllll of this comes from.

  • FauxAntocles

    Medic! Brain down!

  • Nuke90210

    Hell, I want MY kid to glow in the dark.

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    First they came for the invertebrates and I said nothing…

  • MrBlobfish

    It’s still legal in Jersey, right?

    • jmk

      Asking for a friend?

  • say wha

    “So, Governor Scott Walker, where do you stand on the issue of mixing human embryos and jellyfish cells to create a glow-in-the-dark human?”
    “For me, I’m going to punt on that one.”

  • Spotts1701

    Was his mama scared by a jellyfish? Why all this bigorty towards that noble creature?

  • Ikimizi

    That guy is not very bright, and he’s against letting anyone else becoming bright.

  • nmmagyar

    They are so cute when they try to comment on genetic engineering.

  • chicken thief

    It would be kinda cool if some scientist fertilized an acorn with human sperm, just for the lolz when, during hiring interviews when asked “if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” the resulting mutant could just look at the interviewer and do the slow blink.

  • chicken thief

    Just cause jellyfish have the same number of teeth as his supporters is no reason for Kirby to single them out, imho.

  • Poly_Ester

    Was he ‘lit’ when he proposed this? Once you deny the science, anything and everything is equally possible.

  • Arcturus

    Somewhere back in history someone must have said “the mixing of human brains with intelligence to create a sentient being, we say not in Georgia.”

  • a_pink_poodle

    Fuck you, maybe I want to be glow-in-the-dark! Maybe I can see where I’m walking at night for once

  • chicken thief

    That fuckers just begging to be drug tested.

  • Arcturus

    Somewhere in the recent genetic line of Tom Kirby is a very high-functioning tree stump apparently.

  • chicken thief

    Easy folks. Kirby was just confused there for a sec and was pitching ideas for porn flic plots on the Senate floor.

  • Bared Bear

    He’s just worried jellyfish will get gay married and shove their squiggly bodies down people’s throats, which in no way is a reference to sperm.

  • Biff52

    Can’t they just bone with radium-infused lube like the rest of us?

  • ThatDale

    I for one welcome our luminescent Cnidarian overlords. Here in Georgia, it would be an improvement.

  • OneYieldRegular

    “It’s time we either get in front of it or we’re going to be chasing our tails.”

    Wha-, hunh, wha- tails, OMAGAWD, he’s got a TAIL!! He’s a friggin’ tail person! No wonder he’s trying to eliminate the jelly people.

    • Incoming Ham

      “Its time we either get in front of it or we’re going to be chasing* tail*.”


      *When you are a good non-flourescent red-blooded ammosexual male you always want to be the chaser, not the chasee.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    To be charitable, as Wonketeers are, we must at least consider the question of whether Tom Kirby himself is insane, or really batshit insane.

    • bobbert

      Or, as suggested above (below?), Kirby Delauter in disguise (with glasses).

  • SullivanSt

    Of course there’s no possible ulterior motive why a guy from Georgia might reject something coming from Hawaii.

  • Blank Ron

    There’s something everyone is missing:
    Since when does Georgia have labs capable of doing cutting-edge genetic research? And no, ‘Hey, Bo, if’n I fuck this pig d’yuh think the babies’ll look like me?’ does not count.

    • bobbert

      Well, the CDC HQ is in Atlanta.

      • Blank Ron

        Okay, yes, but they’re soshulists and so they probably believe in Lysenkoism, so they don’t count.
        Hey, don’t judge, trying to ‘think’ like a RWNJ is hard!

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    So an earnest and concerned constituent brought this to his attention, after some one told them that their brother- in-law’s aunt had seen it on the internet?

  • Seems to me like glow-in-the-dark people would cut down on crime.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Not necessarily. They’d make better targets.

  • Hardly Ideal

    I’m feel like I’m going to be getting a lot of mileage out of this one:

  • dshwa

    Oww, that made my brain hurt.

  • LoginIncorrect

    Senator Herman Talmadge once quipped that he didn’t mind emigration from southern Georgia to northern Florida because it improved the intelligence quotients of both states.

    And here’s your proof.

  • We were warned.

  • Nick Ellis

    It must be true because if you were going to make shit up, you’d at least try to make it plausible

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Is Tom Kirby related to [Kirby Delauter?] There, I avoided saying Kirby Delauter to avoid hurting the sensitive feelings of Kirby Delauter.

    • bobbert

      Tom Kirby Vacuum Delauter? Nah…

  • Greek Boy

    Imagine his contempt for Georgia voters to pander to them with this BS. Either that or he is ponderously ignorant AND stupid.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I like to think he is ignorant, stupid, AND contemptuous.

      • Greek Boy

        Oh yeah, it’s not an either/or thing.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Of course, he could be right. He should have done a little more digging though. The first question I would have asked my constituent is, “how many cats do you own”? If N>3, take the information with a grain of salt.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Cuttlefish libel!

  • deanbooth

    A great alternative to prison time for muggers: I hearby sentence you to glow in the dark!

  • JAWs

    See, this is what happens when politicians get their “research data” from hentai.

  • Grokenstein

    But what’s his position on mushroom people?

  • Donna Rail

    Is he on crack?

    • zerosumgame0005

      properly inserted in his bum this time?

  • zerosumgame0005

    That non-gay dude needs a circle-jerk, bad!

  • Incoming Ham

    Forget the dangers of glow-in-the-dark jellyfish people, who will protect us from Tom Kirby?

  • Boy Elvis

    Kirby’s just worried the secrets of his frog-human hybrid ancestry will be revealed.

  • A Bashful Nobody

    Well, I’ve now read this item twice and just have no idea what this f$#ker is talking about!??

  • SterWonk

    I know it’s a bit late – I was in meetings all day and couldn’t swing by – but there are actually two small kernels of science here, which this guy has grossly misunderstood. On the off chance someone stumbles upon it later, I thought I’d explain.

    There’s something called Green fluorescent protein, which is derived from jellyfish. Molecular biologists use this protein as a reporter gene; they insert the gene for GFP into the target organism’s DNA sequence next to the gene that they’re interested in, such that they are either both expressed or neither is. Then, they can look for fluorescence from the GFP, and they know that the glowing cells are also expressing the gene that they actually care about.

    Think of it like tying a bell to a cat – you don’t really care about the bell itself, but if you hear it, you know the cat is nearby.

    There’s also Three-parent IVF, in which a nucleus containing healthy DNA is removed from the mother’s egg, which has unhealthy mitochondria. The nucleus is also removed from a fully healthy donor egg, and the mother’s nucleus is inserted. That gives you the mother’s healthy nucleus in the donor’s egg, with the donor’s healthy mitochondria. That egg is then fertilized with the father’s sperm. Arguably, the resulting embryo has three parents; this was in the news a few weeks ago.

    In any case, this guy heard about these two different things, didn’t bother to actually understand them, decided that this was just too weird for him, and ended up coming off as an idiot.

  • david green

    I think it is great that Tom is looking forward to problems technology could cause in the future. Usually a Representative in the Great State of Georgia is trying to drag the state back to the 1850s.

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