John Kasich Explores Presidential Bid, Hopes Everyone Can Stay Awake Long Enough To Vote For Him

Everyone scoot over, we’ve got another passenger for the Republican clown car. John Kasich, the colorless blob of wheat germ currently serving as governor of Ohio, is on an eight-state speaking tour that just coincidentally happens to include South Carolina, home of one of the nation’s early primaries. Even more coincidentally, news of his trip first leaked to the Washington Post  last week, which meant a write-up from WaPo political reporter Robert Costa this week. Let us take a look at the latest boring white guy we might be writing jokes about for the next year. (Please kill us.)

Kasich was a long-time Congressman who chaired the House Budget Committee during the latter part of the Clinton administration. He is an advocate of a constitutional balanced-budget amendment, which is basically snake oil for rubes who suddenly discover themselves to be fiscal conservatives the minute a Democrat wins the White House. One would think a person familiar with how federal spending works (like, say, a former chair of the House Budget Committee) would understand all the reasons this amendment is a terrible idea. 

Kasich’s trip is being funded by Balanced Budget Forever, a 501(c)(4) non-profit he founded to push the amendment idea. Maybe that gives him some street cred with the rubes who think the federal government should balance its budget exactly like an average American household. That the average American household will happily take on thousands of dollars in credit card debt at 29% interest for big-screen TVs and giant trucks that suck up gas at the rate of 10 miles per gallon is a fact the rubes always conveniently forget during election season.

But! Kasich is also something of a social moderate, in that he favors spending on social programs, will consider tax hikesto keep a budget balanced and, as governor, accepted the expansion of Medicaid under the dreaded Obamacare. His reasoning seems to have been that he would rather Ohio’s poor have access to health insurance instead of dying of easily treatable illnesses. This compassion will likely get him booed off the stage at the first Republican "Let him die!" debate, though not before we all get a hearty laugh listening him try to explain why the expansion that was part of Obamacarewas not part of Obamacare. 

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Okay, so Kasich has no chance with GOP primary voters on domestic issues. How about foreign policy? He told Costa he is “studying up” on the issues and in recent weeks has had conversation about them with…Newt Gingrich and John Sununu. HAHAHAHAHAHA! We were wondering which 2016 candidate would boldly call for conquering the moon before the Moon Nazis kill us all. Fight them up there so we don’t have to fight them down here!

And Sununu, well, all we can say is that we always enjoy video of an angry old guy, owner of the most nasally voice since Fran Drescher’s career mercifully went down the toilet, yelling WND talking points on TV. Bring on Sununu! Shoot, why isn’t he running?

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As part of his studying up, Kasich has decided to call for U.S. troops on the ground to fight ISIS in Iraq. Which we think is a terrible idea, but we’re not being advised by Newt Gingrich and John Sununu. So we’re correct.

As for his personality, Kasich is not the type of fiery orator who will get base voters all lathered up, though he will appeal to the moneyed Establishment types who will likely have final say and may give Kasich a look if Jeb Bush falters. The Ohio governor does have that proper WASP dickishness he displays when someone he does not consider his equal is sitting right there talking to him. But base voters would probably have preferred if he chewed his Democratic opponent’s eyeballs out and spit them back in his face. So, kind of a wash.

As part of our service here, we’d like to offer the governor a possible slogan for his campaign:

Kasich 2016: Sure, Why Not.

[ Washington Post ]