EEEEEeeeeeeee haaaaaaaaaw!

Arkansas state Sen. Jason Rapert posted an excellent idea to the Facebook for how to beat ISIS once and for all: Just nuke them! What could possibly go wrong? After all, everyone agrees that they’re evil and need to be stopped, so Let’s Drop The Big One Now! Here’s his post — or at least his original version of the post:

With ISIS spreading all over the Middle East and Africa and Islamic Extremists carrying out violence in Europe, The United Kingdom and even in the United States, I wonder why the civilized world just sits by when we have weapons that could wipe out these barbarians where they are concentrated? I believe it is time to annihilate the strongholds and pursue the rest till we have them all captured or killed. A strategically placed nuclear weapon would save the lives of our soldiers and quickly turn things around. It is time for the insanity to be stopped.

So yeah, just one or two “strategically placed” nukes would make everything all better, the way they always have! Can’t see how anyone could object to a few nuclear strikes in the Middle East — it’s all just sand and camels anyway, amirite? Oh, but then stupid liberals started misrepresenting Rapert and pointing out pesky little details, like how ISIS doesn’t have just one big Death Star base that we could take out, and how some of their “strongholds” are located in “cities” with “large civilian populations.” Oh, and that a lot of the territory they control is in “Iraq,” which is one of our “allies” in the region and might object to having nuclear weapons dropped on it. Not to mention minor problems like “nuclear fallout” all over the Middle East, settling on Israel and Lebanon and Saudi Arabia and such, depending on the breaks. You know, stupid liberals twisting the facts.

And when stupid liberals started pointing out that WMD in the Middle East are kind of a thing we already went to war to stop, he pointed out that he wasn’t talking about giant city-busting bombs, just friendly little nukes of a few tens of kilotons. Or hundreds: The very Wikipedia article that Rapert cited to prove that he wasn’t talking about Hiroshima-sized bombs notes that there’s no precise definition of the yield of a “tactical” nuke, some of which are indeed of the hundreds of kilotons. Still, Rapert soldiered on — perhaps a misnomer, since he has no military service record himself — shifting from advocating tac nukes to “bunker buster” nukes, which we suppose would be a great idea if ISIS actually were holed up in concrete bunkers under a hundred feet of earth.

Finally, he identified the real problem with his critics: Not wanting to drop a few nukes on ISIS is obviously proof that liberals love Islamic radicals more than their own country:

Interesting that leftist liberals get on this page and hurl insults and slurs because I actually support force strong enough to stop these barbarians, but none of them say a word about stopping the evil Islamic terrorists. Perhaps they need to check their allegiances.

He liked that idea so much that he even went to the Twitter box to call out the ISIS-coddling libs:

rapert tweet

By Monday night, he was just sick of all the lies about his position. He wasn’t advocating nuking the whole Middle East, for gosh sakes! Just lobbing a few very careful little nukes that would hardly be noticed outside the ISIS strongholds that he’d be vaporizing! So he added an update to his Facebook post:

I am happy that news reporter John Lyon actually called me to verify my comments written above in their original form – he was the only person to do so today and the only one interested in the truth rather than causing confusion with misrepresentons. [sic] It is shameful that liberal bloggers Michael Cook, Matt Campbell and Max Brantley decided to play fast and loose with their false paraphrasing and suggested that I advocated an indiscriminate nuclear strike. Michael Cook wrote “Jason Rapert calls for killing thousands of women & children by advocating US drop a nuclear bomb on ISIS” from his twitter post:

Here is John Lyon’s article asking me about the media frenzy Michael Cook, Matt Campbell and Max Brantley conjured up with a false narrative:…/state-senator-advocates-use-nucle…

I stand firm in my support of using all means necessary to defeat ISIS and the Islamic extremists terrifying the world. They must be stopped and it will take a determined all out effort to do so.

So just stop worrying, you nervous Nellies. Jason Rapert is not a monster who wants to nuke vast swaths of civilian territory.

He is in fact a complete idiot who genuinely believes that firing off a few very carefully targeted little tiny nuclear weapons would only kill ISIS fighters in their hardened underground bunkers that are nowhere near civilian areas, and that nobody else in the region would mind the very mild dusting of radioactive fallout that would result. Jeez, stop being so dramatic, will you?

[RawStory / Jason Rapert for Arkansas Senate on Facebook / Arkansas News / Image by phenomenally talented tipster “Robert”]

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  • AntiDerpomeme

    It’s always the assholes with the least amount of understanding of military technology and strategy that are the most enthusiastic about using it. But hey, if a few extra brown people get killed in the fallout, no big whoop, right?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That is an accurate statement of the Bush Doctrine.

  • docterry6973

    I certainly hope this idea gains traction in the GOP. When you think about it, a few small tactical nukes on the Rio Grande is a very interesting idea too.

  • FauxAntocles

    He’s obviously talking about smart nukes that only target the enemy and leave everyone else alone.

    • JustPixelz

      The Rapture Bomb.

  • memzilla

    Precious bodily fluids are not reaching his brain.

    • willi0000000

      precious bodily fluids are trying to reach his brain . . . they just can’t find it.

  • Lot_49

    “…false paraphrasing and suggested that I advocated an indiscriminate nuclear strike…”

    Yes yes, all nuclear “strikes” should be “discriminating,” such as those itty-bitty little nukes used at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Quite refined and selective!

    • willi0000000

      he will probably want the Japanese to drop the bombs . . . because they have more experience than anybody with nuclear weapons.

      • Lot_49

        Ha ha! It’s funny cuz it’s true!

  • JustPixelz

    A few nuclear bombs in the Middle East…

    Oil companies have a way to shut that whole thing down.

  • Tallmutha

    Some of our allies might get their keffiyahs mussed a little.

  • JustPixelz

    “A strategically placed nuclear weapon would save the lives of our soldiers”

    You know what else would save the lives of our soldiers? Staying out of this fight. As morally reprehensible as ISIS/ISIL is to us, there are other well-armed nations in the region who can put their soldiers in the fight. We are not the World Police (except for those marionettes).

    • In fact, if we hadn’t pulled our regime-changey shit, there wouldn’t be any ISIS in Iraq.

      Probably not in Libya or Syria, either.

      • MsAnthropesMr

        Oh, you and your logic.

      • malsperanza

        But … that was years ago. What does the Iraq war have to do with Syria?

    • onedollarjuana
  • schmannity

    Illegitimate Rapert.

  • Lizzietish81

    No one likes us, I don’t know why
    We may not be perfect but heaven knows we try
    But all around, even our old friends put us down
    Let’s drop the big one and see what happens

    We give them money but are they grateful?
    No, they’re spiteful and they’re hateful
    They don’t respect us so let’s surprise them
    We’ll drop the big one and pulverize them

    Asia’s crowded and Europe’s too old
    Africa is far too hot and Canada’s too cold
    And South America stole our name
    Let’s drop the big one, there’ll be no one left to blame us

    We’ll save Australia
    Don’t wanna hurt no kangaroo
    We’ll build an All American amusement park there
    They got surfin’, too

    Boom goes London and boom Paree
    More room for you and more room for me
    And every city the whole world round
    Will just be another American town

    Oh, how peaceful it will be we’ll set everybody free
    You’ll wear a Japanese kimono and there’ll be Italian shoes for me
    They all hate us anyhow, so let’s drop the big one now
    Let’s drop the big one now

    Read more: Randy Newman – Political Science Lyrics | MetroLyrics

    • SpideySenser

      OMG! I love that song, the entire album is awesome! A mini history lesson in Euro/American imperialism in about 40 minutes of fab tunes.

    • frrolfe

      you bet me to it

  • Ricardo S.

    Jason Rapert short version: “nuke them all, let god sort them out later”

  • atalex

    At this point, I barely recognize Republicans as even human anymore. It’s like those lizard alien disguises from They Live are finally breaking down and showing what’s really underneath. Where are Roddy Piper and Keith David when we need them?

  • PsycWench

    I’d like to think that Rapert’s eighth grade science teacher is disavowing all knowledge of him.
    Seriously, is this not a perfect example of rightwing views on science: something that can be forced to fit your preconceived beliefs and ideological views.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    They guy proposes to drop a nuclear fucking bomb in one sentence and says “it is time to stop the insanity” in the next. No comment(s) needed on this one. The gentleman from R-Kansas just told us everybody everything that needs be to known about him.

    • Hardly Ideal

      To borrow from John Oliver, you people don’t frighten me! I frighten myself!

  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    … or rent a nice French bomb to poof them out of existence while leaving their real estate just where we need it to use again to build temples in which to praise our god. (Cause he can really take care of business!)

  • jesuswasablack

    “I stand firm in my support of using all means necessary to defeat ISIS”

    Just as long as that doesn’t include me getting off my lilly white conservative ass.

  • Shalimar

    You say nuclear fallout like it’s a bad thing, but Jason Rapert has thought of that. He’s just trying to ensure that the next generation of terrorists, angry at the US for nuking their family members and miscellaneous small villages, will glow in the dark so we can spot them quicker.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    We should be working on an Islamist-only type of neutron bomb. Yeah.

    • eggsacklywright

      Ah, a bomb that discriminates. Perfect.

    • Historicat

      I think you may have been working for the armed forces for too long.

  • goonemeritus

    What a Big Girl’s Blouse, everyone knows Isis has spread
    into every corner of our world. The only way to stop them is render the whole planet into a burnt cinder killing every living thing including bacteria. Any talk of
    a strategic attack is just code words for appeasement.

  • fawkedifiknow

    His mom must have dropped him on his head when he was just a little shit.

    • Tallmutha

      You know, sometimes a comment would really just sum up everything there is to say about a subject, if it were allowed.

    • chicken thief

      Dropped? Or threw?

      • Swampgas_Man

        Dribbled like a basketball.

    • JohnBull

      And then again last week.

  • OneYieldRegular

    *sigh* More Southron misrepresentons again.

  • onedollarjuana

    “Mr. President, we must not allow a (beheading) gap!”

  • andy synonymous

    From the Rock City Times, which modestly claims to be the second most unreliable news source in Arkansas:

    “Jason Rapert Proposes Using Nuclear Weapons to Clear Icy Streets”

    • LIT_Fag

      Our own little “Onion”.

  • JustPixelz

    Jason Rapert should read what it says on Jason Rapert for State Senate web site:

    God’s greatest gift is the gift of life. The sanctity of life and the importance of family are principles that guide me every day. Life begins at the moment of conception and we, as leaders, have a moral and spiritual obligation to protect the life of children. I will continue to proudly support pro-life legislation in the Arkansas General Assembly and will be vocal in my defense of the least among us.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Browns and ragheads don’t count, only proud white christians.

    • SpideySenser

      Unless those said people are having Muslim lives.

  • chicken thief

    “A strategically placed nuclear weapon…”

    “A” as in singlular?! Why is Jason such a libtard pussy? We got thousands, most from decades ago. What better time to see if they even work?

  • formerChild

    That’s what I like. A proportional response. It would be the perfect solution to the stand your ground laws too.

    • bikerlaureate

      It should be done tonight. Lack of foresight has never been a Republican thing before…

  • chicken thief

    And of course, ever’body knows that full scale wars don’t cost much. We could just cut food stamps, again, and defund ACORN to pay for this massive assault.

    • ThatDale

      I don’t know— this could get pretty expensive. We might have to defund ACORN a couple of times to pay for it.

  • Alan Williams

    Mein Führer! I can squawk!

  • Spotts1701

    Nuclear weapons as a surgical strike? Sure, sorta like a hacksaw is a precision medical instrument.

    • Anarchy Pony

      More like how a bulldozer is a precision medical instrument.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Hey, we already seem to think that Hellfire missiles make good wedding presents.

  • chicken thief

    A few strategically lobbed grenades will also keep those pesky fucking neighbor kids off the lawn, amirite, Jason?

  • texasace00

    Finally a common sense solution!

  • Lazy Media

    I think Rep. Rapert has a bright future writing for Internet Tough Guy magazine.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Efficiency and progress are ours once more, now that we have the neutron bomb, it’s nice and quick and clean and gets things done…

  • Capt.Jim

    Yeah but think about the oil we will contaminate Jason it wont be worth a damn

    • ThatDale

      Pfft— nuclear-powered cars! Wave of the future! We can let Kansas try it out first.

  • Bitter Scribe

    I think we should nuke this guy’s district.

    From orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

  • dshwa

    He seems nice.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Nice? Or BRILLIANT?

  • diogenez

    National security is easier and less expensive if you think of it as just a video game!

  • Zippy

    OMFG. Whatever you do, don’t read the FB comments. I’m thinking the best course of action is to nuke Arkansas- it’s full of blithering idiots

    • Hardly Ideal

      NEVER read the comments on Facebook. That’s one of the first lessons on the Internet we should teach our children.

    • TrufflePig58

      Funny, the facebook account seems to have disappeared.

  • I’m not a monster! I’m a moron!

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Though the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

  • Callyson

    Rapert soldiered on — perhaps a misnomer, since he has no military service record himself

    Another armchair general calling liberals wusses, huh?

  • Poly_Ester

    Slim Pickens libel!

  • Wonkaholic

    I’m curious as to whether or not he pronounces it “newkyular”.

  • Enfant Terrible

    “Animals could be BRED and SLAUGHTERED!!!”

    • bikerlaureate

      They don’t love their cornbread the way we do.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Each time I think we’ve finally identified the stupidest person in our government, along comes another one even dumber. It never fails. Sadly.

    • Hardly Ideal

      And people thought that comedians would miss George Bush when he left office, because stupidity would flee the nation with him.

    • bikerlaureate

      Whoa, now, he has the guts to say what lots of good folks are thinking, and (logically enough) slams all of you pantywaists as America-haters. And he’s got the integrity to double and triple down on his final solution. That’s a real hatriot hero talkin’, there.

    • TrufflePig58

      Stupidity is a renewable resource. Too bad we can’t run our cars on it.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Lets see what happens… they all hate us, anyhow…

  • Antonin Dvorak

    Rapert/Whoeverisn’tradioactive 2016!

  • Jared James

    “Anti-American” means “anti-idiot” now, apparently. Which, all right, I guess we can go with that as a working definition, but it might need a tweak here or there.

  • TrufflePig58

    “suggested that I advocated an indiscriminate nuclear strike.” because there is apparently such a thing as a discriminating nuclear strike.

    Pro tip: “Kill ’em all and let god sort ’em out” is not sound foreign policy. The loved ones of those you kill tend to get upset, even the ones that used to be your friends.

    • bikerlaureate

      If every legislator stopped to think about possible ramifications and consequences and effects, they’d never get anything done.

    • j hentai

      note: see iraq, afghanistan et al.

  • bikerlaureate

    You scoff, but all that’s needed is a way to get all the ISISians in one place. Downwind.

  • SullivanSt

    Yeah, the “oh I just meant a superspecial tac nuke that would only kill terrorists not the civilians they’re commingled with” line would be marginally less ridiculous if he hadn’t kicked the whole thing off by calling specifically for an ICBM to be lobbed in the general direction of the mid-East. Because last I checked, (30 seconds ago) even allowing 100kT bombs to be classified as “tactical” still excludes ICBMs. Even the Minutemen that were reduced from 3 warheads to 1 in anticipation of START II going into effect and haven’t been upgraded with 300kT warheads from decommissioned Peacekeepers. Eeeeeeee haaaaaaa indeed, get your commie mittens off my precious bodily fluids.

  • ryp

    Did you know the RNC has someone on staff whose only job is to write STFU memos to Republican office holders.

  • escalera

    Supply a hand held nuke and parachute him in.

  • Spork

    Sen. Rapert fails to understand stupid is just as dangerous as evil.

  • LIT_Fag

    After hearing this dipshit over the last year, he will definitely be a contender for Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year.

  • stevola

    He’s right about one thing. “It is time for the insanity to be stopped.”

  • Nezrite

    Thank you for the Randy Newman reference

  • cousin itt

    The General Assembly convenes on the second Monday of every other year. A session lasts for 60 days unless the legislature votes to extend it.

    60 days is like a whole eight weeks or eleventy million parsecs.*

    *Not counting weekends and Civil War reenactment days.

  • Draco

    He’s got a new post including the original:

  • mtn_philosoph

    Not to mention the massive global diplomatic clusterfuck that this would touch off.

    Iran: “Oh, right — you keep pressuring us about cutting back our nuclear program, and then you turn around and do this??
    North Korea: “See? SEE?? Now WTF do you think is the precedent that we can draw from this, assholes? You used some of your nukes to solve a problem for you, so why shouldn’t we do the same thing? Bye bye, Seoul government! See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!”
    Terrorists Everywhere: “NOTE TO SELF: Must redirect all of our efforts toward stealing a nuclear missile warhead ASAP.”
    Ukrainian Separatists: “Oh Uncle Vlad, we need a little help — we’ve got a new plan to pressure the Kiev government into capitulating to our demands using this One Weird Trick…”

    Nuclear nonproliferation? Yeah, that is sooo 2014.

    Oh, and we absolutely will not have to worry AT ALL that our use of nuclear weapons in war for the first time in 70 years will make the other members of the “nuclear club” just a tad antsy and immediately go on FULL ALERT and stand ready to send a first strike over our way at any second, no sir, NO SIREE.

    (Sen. Rapert: “Huh? Other countries have nuclear weapons too? Well that’s just swell. Thanks, Obama!”)

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