Hey Idiot Juvenile Wonker Pals, Here Is Your Valentine's Day Boner Juice

This special potion is well-known in the Caribbean to give menfolk virility. It's hard to imagine a beverage better-suited for Valentine's Day, when we celebrate everlasting love (with everlasting boners). Treat your sweetheart right by drinking down one of these and taking him or her to see50 Shades of Grey, which is undoubtedly a cinematic masterpiece.

I learned this recipe at the age of three or four from my teenage brother, when I overheard him discussing his prom preparations with his friends. Now Mrs. Chesterfield demands I drink one at least once a week (and I can hear her eyes rolling as she reads this over my shoulder).

It's simple to make, and each ingredient serves a specific purpose. Guinness for strength; raw egg for arousal; condensed milk for turgidity; nutmeg for hallucinogenic properties to allow for erectile longevity. Let's get down to business. You'll need a blender .

Chesterfield Family Recipe Boner Juice

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1 bottle or can of Guinness

1/4 cup sweetened condensed milk

1 egg

1 handful of ice cubes

Freshly grated nutmeg

Put the egg, milk, and a little bit of nutmeg in the blender, and blend.

Add the beer; blend. Drop in the ice; blend.

Pour it into a glass, and grate some more nutmeg on top.

Enjoy your magic stick.

It tastes like chocolate milk. Not sure if it also induces ladyboners, but give it a try, and let us know in the comments.