Rand Paul Blames Hillary Clinton For Rise Of ISIS, New Coke, Cancellation Of Happy Endings

Half-bright tree sloth Rand Paul seems to have decided the path to victory in the presidential election runs right over the doddering, soulless meatsuit d/b/a Hillary Clinton. So Paul has spent months needling the former secretary of state with all the puffed-up ferocity of a school of guppies. His most recent charge? That Hillary Clinton caused the rise of ISIS in Syria and Iraq by waging war in ... Libya.

Honestly, we don’t understand how Paul is allowed out of his house without a bicycle helmet on his head and his address pinned to his suit.

Paul’s theory seems to go something like this: The chaos we’re seeing across the Middle East, particularly the rise of ISIS, is a direct result of Clinton’s efforts to arm rebel groups fighting in Syria’s civil war by running weapons through Libya, which has also been turned into a terrorist breeding ground by the war she waged in 2011 to get rid of Muammar Gaddafi, and oh look, our eyes just rolled up into our skull and we are staring at the inside of our forehead.

Does Rand Paul think the Middle East was a peaceful region before Hillary Clinton got her claws on it? Does he think Libya was a flourishing, modern country ruled peacefully by a council of benevolent ladybugs? Because we were alive and sentient in 2011, and we’re pretty sure Libya deteriorated into a civil war of its own when decidedly non-benevolent, non-ladybug dictator Gaddafi tried to violently put down a rebellion that was inspired by the Arab Spring, which saw revolutions in several countries in the region.

Also we’re pretty sure that, while Hillary Clinton strongly pushed for NATO intervention in Libya, it was Barack Obama who made the ultimate decision to involve the United States, what with his being president and all. And it was other countries, including France, Qatar, and the United Arab Emirates, that sent troops and weapons to Libya to fight Gaddafi, and some of those weapons are still floating around and contributing to the country’s continued destabilization. So whatever the merits of going into Libya in the first place, it's ridiculous to charge that #HillarysWar "empowered"the rise of ISIS and turned Libya into a"jihadist wonderland." 

At least that’s what we learned on Wikipedia, which you would think Paul would have checked, seeing as how he’s already so familiar with that site.

And we haven’t even gotten into Paul’s theory that apparently Clinton’s actions in Libya somehow enabled the rise of ISIS, which actually started off as al Qaeda’s branch in Iraq and was born out of the chaos created by our invasion of that country in 2003. Which, we remind the calendar-challenged senator, is a year that fell before 2011 on the space-time continuum.

This whole ridiculous charge is just Paul’s latest attempted troll of Clinton ahead of the 2016 election. Previously he has suggested she shouldn’t run for office because she’s too old, because her husband is a known Lothario who had sex with another woman back in the 1990s, and because of BENGHAAAAAAZI!!111!! 

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All of these attacks might play well with the nuttiest of the nuts that make up the GOP base in the primaries, but will go over like lead anvils in the general election. Not that it matters, since Rand Paul has about as much of a chance of being the Republican nominee as we do.

[ Crooks & Liars ]