Ted Cruz Has Had It With You Federales Gaying Up Those Nice Straight Red States

You guys, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Not Gonna Be President) didnotget the memo. You know the one. It reads "Hey, we're all cool with gays doing marriage to each other now. Xoxoxo, Most of U.S. America." Yeah, he didn't get that.

See, Cruz is trying to save those few remaining states who've yet to have judges tell them specifically that their bans on marriage equality are unconstitutional. He has introduced a bill, which he adorably named the State Marriage Defense Act. It's sort of like the Defense of Marriage Act, except that he changed the title a little bit, and also, it's the 21st century now, so that sort of thing is really passé, and not in a so retro and vintage it's cool again kind of way.

The bill's stated intent is "to ensure respect for State regulation of marriage." Because conservatives never get themselves into trouble when they start blah blahing about states' rights and how Big Government is NOT the boss of them, no sir.

Here's what the bill would actually do:  

First, redefine marriage at the federal level to remove from hundreds of thousands of same-sex couples the federal government's recognition of their marriages, and thus, any corresponding federal benefits they are afforded, now or in the future. And second, should the U.S. Supreme Court not find a right to marriage for same-sex couples, encourage states that do not wish to recognize those marriages to potentially nullify them.

Neat idea, right? Take rights away from some people to make other people, who are total a-holes, feel better. How freedom-y. That's what Cruz cares so much about, right? Freedom? Isn't that why he's always stomping his cowboy boots on the Senate floor, because Constitution legal stuffGreen Eggs and Hamyadda yadda? Yes, it is, except for when he wants to rewrite the Constitution so you can't say "gay" within a 10o-mile radius of his sensitive ears.

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But all of this is necessary, according to Cruz, because -- and yeah, this will really shock you -- THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION WAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

I support traditional marriage and we should reject attempts by the Obama Administration to force same-sex marriage on all 50 states. The State Marriage Defense Act helps safeguard the ability of states to preserve traditional marriage for their citizens.

You know what's going to shock Cruz? When the Supreme Court decides in the next few months or so -- as we all know it is going to do -- that Cruz's last gasp attempt to save the sanctity of Newt Gingrich's three marriages is inapplicable because it is against the law and the Constitution and everything we Americans supposedly consider non-denominationally holy to let some citizens have rights that others may not have because "ew, that's icky."

Open up and say "ahhhh," Ted Cruz, because The Gay is coming, even if the Supreme Court has to personally cram it down your throat.

[ New Civil Rights Movement ]