How much are we enjoying the Epic Battle between Florida and Texas, to determine which state is more nutso? Oh, all the much. And now it involves sex toys, so we are REALLY getting off on this fight.
It started earlier this week during a hearing on the Affordable Care Act, when Florida Rep. Alcee Hastings said Texas is “a crazy state,” and Texas Rep. Michael Burgess was all, “Nuh uh, shut up, you better say you’re sorry, and I’m gonna sit here and wait until you do,” and Hastings was all, “Hell no, I will not apologize because Texas IS crazy, and also your mom!” Then Hastings said — and this is an actual quote, people! — “You will wait until hell freezes over.” Ooooh, burn!
The entire state of Texas, including all of its congressional members, was Deeply Offended because DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS! Has-been country music guy Larry Gatlin serenaded Hastings on Fox News (of course) with a song he done wrote about how “I’ll open up a cowboy boot shop in your behind” for saying Texas is crazy, which definitely proved how wrong Rep. Hastings was.
And, Hastings says, some Texans have called him to say they’ve canceled their trips to Disney World, just to teach Hastings and all of Florida a lesson about how Texas is NOT crazy at ALL. As further evidence of what a crazy state Texas is, Hastings — who, it seems relevant to remind you at this point, is an actual member of the United States Congress — brought up dildos.
“One of their cities has a law that says that women can only have six dildos, and the certain size of things,” Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-Fla.) told CNN. “And if that ain’t crazy I don’t know what is.”
Why would anyone feel the need to regulate how many and what kind of sex toys — or, you know, “back massagers” — you can keep in the drawer next to your bed? And how did they decide that half a dozen is cool, but seven is obscene? We have no idea, but then we are not from Texas, nor are we from Florida, which recently had its own mess of sexytime law problems when it tried to ban teens sexting at each other, but forgot to include the part of the law that actually makes the law enforceable.
So yeah, Florida should definitely talk about Texas and its crazy laws, right? Except, as Huffington Post notes, this law — which the Fifth Circuit struck down in 2008 for being, well, crazy — does seem pretty nuts. It regulated, or outright prohibited all kinds of sexytime, including possession of “six or more obscene devices,” which included in its definition “a dildo or artificial vagina, designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.”
Most of the law targets kiddie porn and sex with minors, which we will admit is a good thing to prohibit. But damned if we can understand why there should be a limit on how many dildos and Fleshlights an adult person can own because isn’t this America, where you have a right to pursue life, liberty, and happiness — and really, is there any greater happiness than stimulation of human genital organs? Not that we know of.
Please, Florida and Texas, keep fighting about which of your states is THE WORST, because we are having a hell of a time making up our minds.