Harvard Won't Let Professors Sex Up Undergrads Anymore, Unfair!

What is even the point of pursuing a career in Ivy League academia if you can't even screw your smokin' hot barely legal undergrad students anymore, huh? None that we can think of, certainly.

The no-fun fascists at Harvard University have implemented a new policy banning professors from engaging in "sexual or romantic relationships" with students, even if those students are not in their classes, so, like, what's the big deal? Come on, she says she's 18!

Naturally, most people assumed this was already the rule, because isn't it sort of obvious that skeezy college profs should maybe not cruise the dorms for sexytime? Haha, nope!

Harvard’s earlier policy was narrower, specifying that relationships with “one’s students” are inappropriate -- suggesting that relationships were prohibited only when a student was in a professor’s class. Under U.S. Education Department investigation for its responses to sexual assault and harassment reports, Harvard began a universitywide review of its policies in 2013.

Harvard is only the latest of several schools to revise its "To Whom And When Is It OK To Do Sex?" policies, on account of how the feds have been looking into that lately and, whaddaya know? Colleges all across America kind of have a problem of not doing much or anything at all about students getting raped all the time. Except for when the feds are investigating them, and then they're like, "Oh, yeah, we are totally doing stuff about that."

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Bad news for Harvard's graduate students, too. They are also prohibited from doing sex to undergrads, but only sometimes, "when the graduate student might grade, supervise or evaluate the junior student." No idea why. Maybe because it is like one of those things where the graduate student might be all, "Hey, I didn't like how I saw you looking at that other guy in the bar the other night, I only want you to do sex to ME, so you get an F." Maybe? Not that it's that big a deal if they go ahead and sex their undergraduate students anyway, because there's no specified punishment for violating that policy. Perhaps it's a firm "tsk-tsk, stop sexing that student, ok?" and that's about it.

But at least the tenured tweed-wearing novelists who mold the minds of the next generation are allowed to still bang their grad students. For now, anyway. So it's not all bad news.

[ Bloomberg ]