Sarah Palin To Vomit 'Unique' Drunken Word Salad All Over CPAC Again

• Conservatives, rejoice! Liberals, rejoice even harder! Sarah Palin is officially going to bring in da noise and da funk and da WTF did she just say?!?! at this year's annual Conservative Political Action Conference:

  “Gov. Sarah Palin possesses a unique ability to speak directly to the American people,” American Conservative Union Chairman Matt Schlapp said in a statement Wednesday announcing her appearance.

  “She has been enthusiastically received by the conservative grassroots activists and students who attend CPAC, the American Conservative Union’s annual event, and I know her involvement this year will be even more exciting than her past appearances.”

  CPAC, for those of you who try to repress such things from your beautiful minds, is where the wingnuttiest wingnuts get together to listen to famous wingnuts say wingnutty things, and then they say HARUMPH! and sometimes score some gay sex from Craigslist on the down low.

  Sarah has always been fun to watch at CPAC. Always. In 2014, she read a super stupid conservative version ofGreen Eggs and Hamto teach Obama a lesson or something, whatever, who knows, and then she said, "Hat tip the internet!" and then we all just about died laughing and wondering just how drunk she probably was.

  So yeah. We are very excited Palin will be doing her unique thing again this year. Very, VERY excited.

• Some people like to sleep in on the weekends. Or get up early and go to yoga-step-ersize class. Or do brunch. This guy? He decided to figure out how to find Waldo. With science:  

  As I found myself unexpectedly snowed in this weekend, I decided to take on a weekend project for fun. While searching for something to catch my fancy, I ran across an old Slate article claiming that they found a foolproof strategy for finding Waldo in the classic “Where’s Waldo?” book series. Now, I’m no Waldo-spotting expert, but even I could tell that the strategy they proposed there is far from perfect.

  That’s when I decided what my weekend project would be: I was going to pull out every machine learning trick in my tool box to compute the optimal search strategy for finding Waldo. I was going to crush Slate’s supposed foolproof strategy and carve a trail of defeated Waldo-searchers in my wake.

  “But Randy, don’t you have better things to work on? You know, curing cancer, solving world hunger… ANYTHING else?”, a sane person would have said at that point.

  Too bad that sane person wasn’t around.

• BREAKING: Mitt Romney bugs the bejesus out of President Obama too. Why, the president is just like us!

  President Obama was shocked and irritated by Mitt Romney's concession call in the 2012 presidential election—and claimed Romney insinuated that Obama won only by getting out the black vote, according to a new book by presidential campaign strategist David Axelrod.

  Obama was "unsmiling during the call, and slightly irritated when it was over," Axelrod writes.

  The president hung up and said Romney admitted he was surprised at his own loss, Axelrod wrote.

  "'You really did a great job of getting the vote out in places like Cleveland and Milwaukee,' in other words, black people,'" Obama said, paraphrasing Romney. "That's what he thinks this was all about."

• Our friends at Happy Nice Time People inform us that we don't watch the teevee like we used to:

  I’m old enough to remember “appointment television,” but that memory is fading fast. If you didn’t catch Seinfeld or the first season of Survivor when it aired, co-workers would just sit and stare blankly at you the next day with no clue what to talk to you about. Mostly they’d spit in your coffee when you weren’t looking and in your face when you were. And when I grew up in the 80s, state governments were legally entitled to remove children from homes that failed to watch the Cosby Show/Family Ties/Cheers block on NBC every Thursday night.

  Yet, today is called the Golden Age of Television. And it is! The quality of today’s shows–the dramas, especially–is staggering. We’ve never had so many groundbreaking, mind-blowingly awesome series on at one time before, not by a long shot.

• For all the writers and/or editors out there, this will make you laugh and cry at the same time:  

  

• At least our robot overlords will be able to cook for us:

  The Pentagon’s Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, or DARPA, called for applications back in 2011 for funding to develop ways to create algorithms that would allow machines to integrate data from drone-acquired video, cell-phone intercepts, targeting radar, and other inputs. The primary intention of the project was to develop an algorithm for advanced sensors to discern between relevant and irrelevant observations.

  Up to now, robots have been able to recognize patterns and objects. Developing an artificial intelligence, or AI, capable of interpreting the patterns and objects and acting has been a major challenge. Researchers at the University of Maryland addressed this problem and recently developed an algorithm that enabled robots to process video of instructional cooking YouTube videos.

  With the new system, robots were able to watch a video and then recognize, take hold of, and manipulate the appropriate kitchen utensil to accomplish the watched task without additional human input or programming.