Michigan Teabagger Cites Magna Carta, Eternal Rights Of Man In Epic Fight Over Seating Chart

Do you sometimes feel like the standard tea party characters are growing a little stale? Are you tired of the Crowders ? The Kincannons ? The Paranoid Ginger Wooly Willies ? I mean, don’t get me wrong. Those guys are great, especially if you’re looking for racist murder fetish material . But will they have a seat at the table when it’s time to effect true change? Who will LEAD?

Don’t fear, young children of liberty. This is the dawn of a new age. An age when a petulant elected official, just hatched from the electoral womb, can make passionate pleas to the people from Day 1.

Meet Todd Courser. He’s a family man finally living the dream as the new state representative from Lapeer, Michigan. On his first day of work, he was prepared. He ate a complete breakfast, hugged his family, and confidently strode to work. He had completed his homework and knew what to expect when he arrived at Congress. He wasn't worried about aimlessly searching for the right room or being yelled at for sitting in someone else's seat. He knew the procedure.

 The clerk shall then prepare a list of members entering upon their first terms, listing the names of such members alphabetically and placing opposite each name numbers in consecutive order from 1, using as many numbers as are necessary. A box shall be provided in which shall be deposited numbered white balls, which shall bear the same numbers as those appearing on said list. A boy or girl, selected by the clerk, then being blindfolded shall draw from the box 1 ball and hand it to the clerk, who shall announce the number on the ball 

And so on. And so on. But imagine Todd’s shock upon entering the chamber on his special day to find his seat assigned. Assigned! No box. No balls. No blindfolded child servant. And if history has taught us anything, when you lose the blindfolded child servant, the integrity of the entire legislative body goes to shit.

This is not at all what happened during our first day as new representatives. The “lottery” was merely a charade; in reality, each of us was handed a card telling us in which seat we were to sit […] Many may wonder why I am making such a big deal out of this - does it really matter where we all sit? This is a critical issue for several reasons.

The Several Reasons:

1. It’s not cool to blatantly spit in the face of archaic parliamentary procedure. If the tea party is about one thing, it's tedious and time-consuming government function.

2. It prevents “like-minded” legislators from sitting together, which is totally not cool because this isn’t really a state legislature. This is actually a cafeteria in a movie about high school.

3. If you let The Man tell you where to sit, Your People will never truly be free. (Here's where he brings up the child servant issue again, in case you were wondering)

This is how the machine keeps its grip on power.(emphasis his) […]For people to be aware, someone must be willing to sacrifice their positions and standing, and have the courage, grit and fortitude to step up and make people aware of how the processis working against the interests of liberty on so many levels

He’s talking about new Michigan Rep. Todd Courser!

The seat selection process was a very emotional moment for all of us and for myself and my family; unfortunately some of what happened that day was done outside the intent of the law regarding the seat selections and a fraud was perpetrated on the public trust.

I have a lot of envy for a man whose entire family can mark this as a trying day.  But this is the hill Courser chooses to die on. His seat (which looks like a choice aisle seat , by the way). Give him a list of members listed alphabetically and placing opposite each name numbers in consecutive order or give him death!

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Honestly, it’s difficult to do the rant justice. So if you want to put down theProust  US Weekly and read 2300 words about how cutting corners in mundane legislative procedure is accelerating the fall of western civilization , I couldn’t recommend it more. The only question he doesn't answer is why the kid needs to be blindfolded if he's drawing the ping pong balls out of a box being held by the clerk. Regardless, if I was to yelp review this rant, I would give it 5 stars and take the time to upload seven pictures of Todd’s chair.

While we know Courser's top priority is fighting Big Government's tyrannical seating assignments, what else do we know? He recently sponsored the "Pow Wow" with keynote bigot and Wonkette-favorite Dave Agema . The Pow Wow is Michigan's premier gathering for Conservative grassroots activists and also the ideal place for unloading your artwork that incorporates made-up quotes attributed to Founding Fathers . "I'll have what she's having - an American Christian Theocracy." - James Madison ($55).

As for his legislative agenda, Todd is co-sponsoring Michigan's "Personhood" bill. This is terrible because it's gross and intrusive, totally unconstitutional, and because you know some people would start celebrating their "Lifedays."

But we'll definitely have to keep an eye on this guy. And it's never too late to start caring about where you sit. It affects all of us.

[h/t Progress Michigan / Todd's Website ]