New Pope On Boobs: Suck Em If You Got Em

• How is un-American Marxist commie is-he-even-a-real-Catholic? New Pope destroying Western civilization today? Glad you asked. He's turning the Sistine Chapel into a hotbed of boobs, which definitely violates the laws of man, nature, common decency, and some other stuff, probably.

  Pope Francis baptized 33 infants in the Sistine Chapel on Sunday and told the mothers to feel free to breastfeed them if they cried or were hungry. "You mothers give your children milk and even now, if they cry because they are hungry, breastfeed them, don't worry," he said, departing from his prepared text. The written text of his homily had the phrase "give them milk," but he changed it to use the Italian term "allattateli", which means "breastfeed them," and added that they should not hesitate.

  Ugh, feeding hungry babies when they are hungry and need to be fed? What will this pope do next -- touch some poors and suggest that Jesus wasn't all about hating the gays and slut pills? Oh wait. He's already done that. Whatwillhe think of next?

• For a convicted felon, the great grifter and former governor of Virginia, Bob McDonnell, sure got off easy, sentenced to a mere two years in prison, despite the federal sentencing guidelines mandating a minimum of a decade. TheNew Yorkeroffers this comparison:  

  Consider a comparison, handed down in a different Virginia courtroom, in March, 2008, to considerably less attention. The defendant, Travion Blount, had no former governors or sitting Speakers or N.F.L. stars to testify to his character. His crime, as the Virginian-Pilot described it in a 2013 report, did not attract much attention: “No shots were fired, and he didn’t hit any victims. It did not merit a mention in the morning newspaper.” [...]

  He had faced fifty-one felonies—including illegal use of a firearm, robbery, and abduction. The jury found him guilty on forty-nine of them. At the sentencing, in March 2008, the judge said the gun crimes carried fixed punishments in Virginia, so his sentence for the weapons charge came to a hundred and eighteen years. On top of that, because the crime involved robbing three juveniles at gunpoint, the judge added six life sentences.

• Awwww. Now here's some semi-sportsball news we can actually appreciate:

  Michael Sam, the NFL's first openly gay player, and his longtime boyfriend Vito Cammisano are tying the knot.

  Sam, who was drafted to the St. Louis Rams after a standout career with the University of Missouri, and Cammisano haven't officially announced their engagement, but some Instagram sleuthing from TMZ says the couple decided to make it official in Rome during a European vacation.

• Speaking of awwww, maybe the happy couple can shop for their wedding rings at Tiffany's:  

  For the first time, Tiffany & Co. is featuring a gay couple in its latest engagement campaign. (Fun fact: the pair are not models—which, really?!!—but an unnamed, real-life NYC couple.)

•  Another chapter in the ongoing saga of the senator from Iowa (not the pig-castrating one, the other one), Fred, and the assumed-dead deer:  

  

• You know who probably shouldn't tell jokes about rape? Jell-O shilling comedians who've stockpiled about a billion allegations of rape. Our friends at Happy Nice Time People explain:  

  Yes, the Cos was performing in Ontario, to occasional hecklers who were tossed out, when at one point he started talking with a friendly woman in the audience. When she said she was getting up to get a drink, Cosby adlibbed, “You have to be careful about drinking around me.”

  Slow clap. Very slow.

[h/t to Wonkette operative cousinitt for the latest on New Pope]