Who Will Be New House Speaker When GOP Murders John Boehner With Fire?

Every two years, all the wild-and-crazy Tea Party guys in the House GOP put on their togas and have a big awesome food fight and promise this time they're really, really gonna get Dean Wormer, or at least INPEACH John Boehner for being a big dumb drunk RINO who only lets them shut down the government a little bit. BOO NO FUN, BOYCOTT JOHN BOEHNER, UNFAIR TO CRAZY PEOPLE!

Last time around, we predicted the new House Speaker would be ol' Quebecois Ted, because did you know you don't have to actually be a member of the House of Representatives to serve as its Speaker? (Totally true!) And since Ted Cruz was going around fighting a stranger in the Alps, we figured the House might as well make it official.

Well, we weren't correct then -- yet! But who are our other top contenders, should the Tea Party hold its breath until it gets its way, and fire Boehner as both Sean Hannity AND Glenn Beck are demanding? Let's listiculate!

GOHMERT!!!1!

GOHMERT!!!1! has already esplained lotsa words at us about how BAD JOHN BOEHNER BAD, because amnesty and cromnibus and hoodleboodle yip yip boglebuddy.

He is stupid, and would be a bad Speaker of the House.

Odds: pretty much.

Eric Holder

He's available! Unfortunately, he's also a black man who isn't Allen West, and therefore hasn't proved his patriotism by torturing an Iraqi cop, so: suspect.

Odds: we're sure there is a charming Southern saying that would address the unlikelihood of this occurrence. We recommend NOT trying to find it in the comments below.

George Washington

Seriously? Dude put down an anti-tax rebellion. WITH FORCE. Are you high??? Fuck that FINO (Founder In Name Only), putting all the whiskey farmers into FEMA camps and taking away their guns (probably).

Odds: Decomposing fast.

Ted Cruz

Old news, and also nobody likes him everybody hates him guess he'll just go and eat worms. 

Odds: how do you say "no" in Canadian?

Like 50 Worms on a Log

They call it Worm Log.

Odds: we'll take the over, whatever it is.