Isn't it nice to have dinner mostly ready when you get home from a long day of furiously refreshing Wonkette at the office? A slow cooker makes that easy while minimizing the risk of burning your house down. Let's make a corned beef in the crockpot and use the time we saved to make a delicious mustard sauce to bring the whole dish together.
Favored by the Irish diaspora throughout America, corned beef and cabbage is a meal to feed a crowd, and with some luck, you'll have some leftovers to make Reubens (the sandwiches, not the arteest). The slow cooker method may result in meat that wants to shred and crumble, as opposed to slice, but this is not the 1950s, so everyone has to go out and get a fucking paycheck and can't sit around the house for four hours making corned beef. To make slicing easier, allow the meat to rest for a little while before you hack at it, and use a very sharp knife. Regardless, crumbly is better than being tough and chewy.
Corned Beef in the Slow Cooker
1 corned beef brisket from your grocer's meat section, big enough to feed your party
Enough carrots (washed), onions (peeled), and potatoes (washed) for your party
Water
Put the corned beef into your crockpot, with all the juices from the package. Be sure to open and empty the little spice packet that may be in there; the flavors don't quite come out the same when you leave them in the baggie. (If your corned beef didn't come with a spice packet, sprinkle in a few tablespoons of pickling spice.)
Layer the vegetables on top of the meat.
Add enough water to cover the meat, plus about an inch.
Cook on "High" for 8-10 hours. Remove the meat from the pot; let it rest a few minutes. Slice thinly, across the grain of the meat.
Cut a head of cabbage into quarters, or sixths, or eighths. Ladle a few ladlefuls of the cooking liquid into a pot large enough for your cabbage. Put the cabbage in with it; put on the stove. Bring to a boil. Put lid on; reduce heat. Steam for 15-20 minutes.
Mustard Sauce
2 eggs
1 tablespoon butter, melted
1/3 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup white sugar
1/4 cup prepared mustard (the plain old yellow kind is ideal, but if all you've got is dijon, you are insufferable)
1/2 cup apple cider vinegar
Whisk everything together to combine.
Cook over the lower side of medium heat; stirring constantly. CONSTANTLY MEANS DO NOT STOP UNTIL THE SAUCE IS DONE.
The sauce is done when it is so thick that it coats the back of a spoon and doesn't run back together when you swipe your finger across the spoon. Like so:
Slather this stuff all over your corned beef and cabbage platter. Everyone loves it because it's mostly sugar. Also, it can be difficult to distinguish people cleaning their plates from the sounds of sodomy.
Can I substitute Guinness for the apple cider vinegar?
You alluded to this already, but as my Irish relatives would tell ya, Corned Beef is a strictly American invention. Those from the homeland escaping potato famine and landing in NYC couldn't find the ham that they typically favored in Ireland, so they improvised with cuts found at the delis of their Jewish neighbors. Personally, I think it's a lovely invention, but some of my more snobby kin refuse to eat corned beef and boiled dinner (and Heaven forbid--do NOT call it Irish Boiled Dinner or there be yer head). Their loss. I'll have to try it with the mustard sauce. Sounds yummy!