So You Want To Mommyblog At Yr Wonkette

Greetings Earthlings! You are a person with an asshole and an opinion, and you would like to write for yr Wonkette! This is how you do it.

DON'T

... send a letter to kaili at wonkette dot com that says "I am a writer and would like to write for you on the topic of your choice. Here is not a link to anything I have ever written, because I am stupid and didn't include links to stuff I have written."

DO...

send a letter to kaili at wonkette dot com explaining who you are, why you are funny, what topics you have some expertise in, and something from the day's stories that you would like to write about!

DON'T

... send a letter to kaili at wonkette dot com that says "can I write for you?" and nothing else. Seriously, we covered this above, and you have NO IDEA how many of these we get in tips. Oh, you're a professional writer, Mr. Writer Man, then HOW COME YOU KEEP SENDING PITCHES THAT AREN'T PITCHES AND THAT DON'T HAVE ANY LINKS AND THAT JUST SAY YOU CAN WRITE ON A VARIETY OF TOPICS, GO FUCK YOURSELF!

DO

... send a letter to kaili at wonkette dot com even if you are not already a professional writer and don't have any clips to send us! That's okay too! Hell, pretty much all (? yes, probably all) our writers except me and Kaili were not actually professional writers when we scraped them out of the comments, and off of Twitter, and from the bottom of our shoe. If you are smart and funny and know stuff about things, that is all the "professional" we need. Don't be skeered! HOWEVER! If you're not already a professional writer ...

DO

... write us up a sample. Make it funny! Include a "funny" headline, and links to sources, and what you would use as a pic! Make it, like, at least three paragraphs. Follow Wonkette's formatting, with the citation in brackets at the end and such, so we know you are paying attention. The easier you make things for us (by us I mean "Kaili") the more likely we will say OH YES PLEASE COME WRITE ALL THE THINGS.

DON'T

... or DO???? be a dick. Sometimes, when you start your letters with "I am funnier than any of you idiot jerkbags," it makes us smile and we say OKAY YOU ARE HIRED if you are actually funny about it. But if you continue with specifics of why we aren't funny, you are probably going to be unpleasant in the secret chatcave, which is all about NICENESS (and blowjob jokes).

DON'T

... come in and say you are allergic to blowjob jokes and here is our lawsuit. We hate lawsuits, except from this guy. 

DO

... have a pithy ending ready to go, for instance "The End."