Praise The Lord And Hit The Deck: Your 2014 Gun-Fun Roundup!

Guns! Guns guns guns guns guns guns guns. Where were we? Oh yeah, guns! Guns guns guns guns guns guns guns. The past twelve months were yet another banner year for guns in this country. In an era when so many of our civic institutions feel as if they have broken down, it’s nice to know that America still excels in the arena of “lunatics shoot people and then everybody yells at each other about it.” Congrats to all Americans for getting in on this robust industry with seemingly unlimited growth potential.

The big story with guns this year involved one of the groups we legally empower to carry the things. We’re speaking about cops, of course. Can anyone recall a year when the issue of police and firearms was so present? Particularly when talking about police who are quick to use those firearms on unarmed men of a certain, shall we say, duskier hue. Like this guy. And this guy. And oh dear Lord, this guy. That last one led to hundreds of cops rolling into the streets of a small Missouri town like the 1st Marine Division rolling into Fallujah. Luckily things settled down quickly, after we learned that we should blame Michael Brown   Michael Brown’s family   feminists   President Obama   black-on-black crime   the St. Louis Rams   the X-gene for the young man’s death. Some of us thought maybe we should blame the guy who actually shot him ( even if he disagreed ), but luckily a grand jury, under the sway of a truly terrible prosecutor, set us straight.

The year closed with a crazy guy with a gun publicly and spectacularly shooting two New York City patrol officers in an act possibly partly motivated by revenge fantasies for all the cop-on-civilian violence this year. Proving once again that mental illness and anger issues are no barrier to getting your hands on a weapon. If they were, nearly all of the wingnuts we follow on Twitter would be unarmed.

Speaking of people with mental illnesses, it is very important to remember that anyone who commits a mass shooting is a violent left-wing Democrat. This guy? His dad works in Hollywood, so obviously he’s a Democrat. This guy? A white supremacist who was once a member of the KKK, a well-known Democratic organization. (White supremacists who senselessly kill people are Democrats. White supremacists who invite leaders of the House Republicans to give speeches at their conventions are small-government conservatives interested in tax policy.) These two shitbags? Total left-wing Nazi socialists, which is the same thing as being a Democrat.

Of course these socialist Nazi juggalos would probably be less inclined to run around shooting people if everyone else was armed and could shoot back. No one knows this better than the folks of the open carry movement, who had themselves a big year, mostly in Texas. Hell, they had such a big year in Texas that even the folks at the NRA wanted them to tone it down a little. Yes, the NRA, the same organization that put on this heavily leaded carnival of gun humping, complete with a speech from its leader about the need to always be armed in case some black kids get funny ideas about playing the knockout game on your noggin.

Strangely, when asked about the open carry rights of black people in a state where open carry is legal, the practice’s advocates were heard to say “LA LA LA LA WE CAN’T HEAR YOU!” while jamming their fingers so tightly into their ears it’s a wonder they didn’t poke holes in their brains.

Some people pushed back on the open carry folks, which saddened all the trolls when they learned they could not turn private businesses into their own armed political protest theaters. Yr Wonkette appreciates the companies that have told these twits they do not need AR-15s slung across their backs in order to safely shop for fish sticks and Mountain Dew. Plus, you never know when one of the open carry folks is going to go off and shoot some loved ones, and in a public place there is always a good chance that some total strangers might get taken out as well. We’re happy to not be collateral damage in these weirdos' quest to prove a point.

Though we did find out this year that perhaps mass shootings wouldn’t be a problem if we would simply call them something else. Such as what, we wondered? Extinction-level events? The NRA this year was big on producing the Internet equivalent of those shitty educational filmstrips we used to watch in grade school, though the ones we watched generally didn’t star weasels or lunk-headed neckbeards who wanted us to choose a target-shooting elective in P.E. class.

To the NRA’s credit, the organization did draw the line at a video advocating for arming blind people. After it had been produced and posted for a time on the Internet, but still. Baby steps towards sanity, guys.

It was not all bad gun news this year. The legal system did push back against a couple of people who tried using the Stand Your Ground or the Castle Doctrine defenses to justify shooting teenagers in parking lots for the crime of playing their music too loud, or luring the kids into their homes and then shooting them. And the law in its majesty did give this lady a break so she won’t have to serve twenty years in the clink for firing a warning shot to scare off her boyfriend while he was trying to kill her. Silver lining!

And we did finally get a Surgeon General at the end of the year, despite the fact that he is a gun-hating communist…excuse us, he is a “medical” “doctor” who strangely considers guns a public health issue just because the 30,000 or so people who get shot with them every year might need medical treatment for both temporary and permanent disabilities, costing our overburdened healthcare system millions and millions of dollars. Assuming they survive the shootings, of course. Those that don’t survive will need the services of funeral homes, which depend on a steady stream of gun victims for income. Apparently Surgeon General Vivek Murthy hates both guns and capitalism.

Quite a year for guns, indeed. Join us at the end of 2015, when we’ll probably be writing this exact same column all over again.