WND Spills Blood, Tears, Jizz In Exit Interview With Michele Bachmann

Now that Michele Bachmann has said a God-filled farewell to the House of Representatives, she's also doing a valedictory tour of rightwing media, or at least WorldNetDaily. It is titled -- we swear we are not making this up -- "GOP Legend Quits Congress With Message For America," which is pretty loose usage if you ask us. Myth, yes, legend, not hardly.

The piece begins with a description of Bachmann standing before a painting in her office in May 2013, just after she'd announced she wouldn't stand for reelection, and saying that she just wished she knew what God wanted her to do with her life after Congress. Hagiographer Garth Kant observes, touchingly,

It was hard to tell if she was addressing God or the only other person in the room.

Or, perhaps, it was a supplication to those in the painting, the kneeling Founding Fathers in Harris Tompkins Mattheson’s “The First Prayer in Congress, September 1774.”

The rest of the piece is written with similar masturbatory reverence, and you'll be glad to know that God got back to her with an answer, of sorts:

“I’m not done. I’m just going to change arenas now. Instead of holding elective office, now I’ll be fighting from the outside,” a jubilant Bachmann recently told WND in a wide-ranging interview looking back on her storied career and eight years in Congress, where she left an impression like few others before her.

That really was a storied career -- Yr Wonkette got lots of stories out of her, all right. As for leaving an impression on Congress, that is so true, because surely few other people have spent eight years there with nothing more to show than passing a resolution honoring foster families and another one marking Minnesota's 150th anniversary of statehood. Or maybe it was one of those pheromone things where the whole place just smells like her now.

Among other achievements, like those two big resolutions, Bachmann is pretty pleased with the way she completely destroyed liberalism and big media, simply by telling the truth:

“Well, telling the truth bothers them. They don’t like to have the truth told about them. And that’s really what it is. I didn’t fear the left. I decided to take them on in the arena of ideas by attacking their false premises and their false narratives,” she said.

We aren't certain whether she was referring to her discovery that Congress was full of "anti-Americans," her scientific discovery of the link between theHPV vaccine and developmental disabilities, her assertion that the Treasury Department was covering up the size of the national debt, her claims that five chefs always accompany Barack Obama on Air Force One and that 70 present of food stamps go to government bureaucrats, or one of the other bits of inspired truth-telling that led the Associated Press to just cold give up on fact-checking her. 

Heck, she even did some factual truth-telling in her farewell interview with WND, explaining once more that the Heritage Foundation's market-based insurance plan, the Affordable Care Act, is a "socialized medicine" scheme.

Bachmann went on to explain why the Left fears her, apparently mistaking "pointing and laughing" for "sheer terror":

“I took them on, and their agenda, and I went to the heart of whatever it was they wanted to advance, and tried to take it apart through evidence-based arguments, and they don’t like that. When the left argues, they argue from emotionalism.”

Bachmann contended that the left does not argue from a logical, linear point of view. So, she took on what she called leftists’ false premises and said providing evidence contrary to their views was the best way to defeat them.

She suggested the left couldn’t counter her facts, so it attacked her.

Or maybe it's just that Michele Bachmann is actually a visitor from elsewhere in the Multiverse, where all of the things she describes as reality are actually true, and the rest of us fail to take that into account.

Elsewhere in the interview, Bachmann explained that the tea party merely wants what "any normal human being" would want: to live under the Constitution, and to be free, in a Constitutional sort of America that is governed by the Constitution, but we can't because of Barack Obama. Also, too, when asked for a closing thought for the America People, she explained, as far as we can tell, that we should all become Jewish:

“We need to recognize and appreciate and value how great this gift is that God has given to us. What he has blessed is our following of his principles and his precepts. If you read the Old Testament, over and over and over, the writers state that we should follow his precepts and principles.

“Not in a legalistic sense. But because, out of following his principles and obedience, there’s a wisdom. Our lives work better. Our nation works better.”

 Molotov, America. Molotov.

[ WND / RawStory / RightWingWatch ]