Michele Bachmann gave her farewell address to the House of Representatives Tuesday, and while we were worried that she might just stand up and announce that all her email should be forwarded to Shelly@CrazyEyes.com, she actually did deliver a thoroughly Bachmannian speech. It hits all the required notes: Freedom, In God We Trust, Why the House is the Best House, plus several extra helpings of God stuff just to be sure.
We learn that, while the House chamber is ringed with silhouettes of great lawgivers, there’s only one figure who is shown in a full-face view: Moses, because he handed down the bestest laws that ever lawed, the Ten Commandments. And yes, they are absolutely the foundation for the entire system of American law, which is why not a single one of the proscriptions in the Commandments is actually in the Constitution. Where’s Joe Wilson to yell “You lie!” when you really need him? And then she had to thank everybody from the House cafeteria ladies (which actually was sweet) to God, who gave her such a nice country to posture and pontificate about.
Her speech brought to a close a congressional career that included so many wonderful accomplishments, like the time she called for investigations into which members of Congress were anti-American; and that other time when she fretted that her House colleague from Minnesota, Keith Ellison, might be disloyal because he’s a Muslim; and then the other time she said the Muslim Brotherhood had achieved “deep penetration” of Washington, and was pretty much running the whole Obama administration. And that’s not even counting her brilliant 2012 presidential run, with its tributes to John Wayne…uh, Gacy, and her scientific discovery of the link between the HPV vaccine and developmental disabilities in the daughter of a lady who told her about them, scientifically.
Finally, there are her legislative achievements, which include a resolution honoring Minnesota’s 150th anniversary and another one honoring foster parents.
So farewell, One-L. May your retirement be happy and blessedly anonymous. And may you always keep your focus right where it should be — about a foot to one side of the camera.