House Unanimously Passes Super Controversial Bill Telling Nazis To Suck It

• We may be the most polarized America we have ever been, including that time we Civil Warred -- THANKS, OBAMA -- but it's nice to know that we can put aside our partisan bickering for one half of one second to come together to screw over some Nazis. Which has not always been the position of our fine United States government, at least when it came to "moderate Nazis," but hey, we've made progress! You may recall the proposed Senate legislation we told you about in October to deny Social Security benefits to accused Nazi war criminals. Somehow, on Tuesday, the House of Representatives found time in its busy schedule of suing the president, whining about the onslaught of immigrants who are already here, and contemplating a shutdown out of spite to vote on its version of the bill :

  On Tuesday, the House of Representatives reportedly voted unanimously to pass the No Social Security for Nazis Act, which would strip suspected war criminals of their Social Security benefits.

  Sure, there's at least one A Idiot on the interwebs who thinks this is terrible and proves why we should hate The Jooz because they're always all, like, "Ewwww. Nazis." Which is mean, and really, if we start punishing Nazis, where will it end? But it's nice to know that even the sworn enemies in the House can come together on this one single issue. Oh, and while we're at it, here's another good idea:  

  

• Yes, Kansas, you reallyreallyhave to open up and say "Ahhhh" to marriage equality:  

  Early last month a federal judge struck down a same-sex marriage ban in Kansas, and GOP Governor Sam Brownback ... and his administration have been fighting the ruling ever since. [...]

  The U.S. Supreme Court dropped a short, temporary stay last month, allowing same-sex couples in Kansas to marry.

  But Kansas is still fighting (with taxpayer dollars) and recently asked the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals for an en banc hearing on the case. [...]

  Not only would the court not hear the case en banc, not a single judge even thought the case warranted asking their colleagues if they should perhaps consider it.

• Is that a cow tongue in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

  A Florida man is under arrest after police say he tried to steal more than 6 pounds of cow tongue by hiding it in his pants.

  Of course it's Florida. Ofcourse.

• An interesting defense of Medicare coverage for penis pumps:  

  Congress may be nearing a vote on the ABLE Act, a long-gestating piece of legislation that would create special bank accounts to let disabled Americans save money without losing their government benefits. In order to pay for it, lawmakers would ban Medicare from paying for any penis pumps, freeing up an estimated $444 million over 10 years. [...]

  But preventing Medicare from assisting elderly couples suffering from intimacy problems is cruel, and only entrenches the federal government’s bizarre stance that sexual health isn’t really part of human health.

•  Is there nothing science can't do? 

  It sure looked like they had found Richard III's remains ​under a car park in Leicester—the skeleton was the right age, from the right time, and had evidently been killed in battle. There was even evidence of scoliosis, which would have made one shoulder higher than the other.

  But to really be sure they had their man, researchers from the department of genetics at the University of Leicester wanted to analyze the skeleton's DNA. Whoever they found, though, had been buried there for 527 years, making it the oldest attempt at DNA identification of an individual to date.

  The results are in, and now is the winter wherein scientists are content: it's Richard III.

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