America's Toughest Sheriff And Dumbest Lawyer Team Up To Sue Obama
In what promises to be a Very Important Legal Challenge to an out of control dictator, serial publicity whore Joe Arpaio, who'd rather play Border Patrol than enforce boring laws about robbery and sexual assault and stuff, has teamed up with failed revolutionary and terrible lawyer Larry Klayman to file a lawsuit against Barack Obama and his completely unconstitutional executive order on immigration. It may very well be the nation's last best hope at preserving liberty, unless of course it gets thrown out by some biased Jewish judge. Or a mean lady judge.
Arpaio, who considers it the job of an Arizona county sheriff to investigate the president's eligibility for office and to enforce federal immigration laws -- and who has, not incidentally, been repeatedly sued for fun stuff like racial profiling and arresting journalists who criticized him -- is worried that the president has overstepped his authority. (In related news, the National Center for the Study of Irony exploded and burned to the ground yet again.) He also thinks there is simultaneously no way to "keep track of these 5 million people" and that Obama should have already found and deported all five million of them.
While they're at it, Arpaio and Klayman also want to overturn the president's previous executive order on immigration, the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals ( DACA ) policy, because that was totes tyrannical and unconstitutional, too.
For laughs, you can read the suit here; we've also embedded it below. It's less a legal document than a kind of op-ed submission, citing instances where Obama said stuff about how Congress needs to do something on immigration because he can't pass laws on his own -- but look at him now, he's passin' laws on his own!
As usual, Klayman impresses us with just what a thoroughly shitty lawyer he is. He cites the Constitution in the broadest possible terms to "prove" that only Congress can pass laws on citizenship, then claims that "Defendant Obama has already purported to give amnesty, the status of lawful presence in the United States" to the DREAM Act kids, when in reality, he simply announced that he would not deport them -- nothing there at all about granting them citizenship or legal resident status.
And then there's the important legal precedent where Obama "admitted" that he was acting illegally, because he said in interviews and in a Google hangout that Congress needed to pass a law to formally change immigration law. In the interests of maintaining a professional legal tone, Klayman at least refrains from writing "YA BURNT!"
Also, too, there's some stuff about Obama not protecting the nation from "Invasion by Violent Criminals," which is why Joe Arpaio has standing to sue: Obama's not securing the border, so the poor local sheriff is injured by that "invasion":
Plaintiff Joe Arpaio is adversely affected and harmed in his office’s finances, workload, and interference with the conduct of his duties, by the failure of the executive branch to enforce existing immigration laws, but has been severely affected by increases in the influx of illegal aliens motivated by Defendant Obama’s policies of offering amnesty. In this regard, as detailed in Exhibits 1, 2 and 3 to this Complaint which is incorporated herein for reference, Plaintiff Arpaio has been severely affected and damaged by Defendant Obama’s release of criminal aliens onto the streets of Maricopa County, Arizona. This prior damage will be severely increased by virtue of Defendant Obama’s
Executive Order of November 20, 2014, which is at issue.
Not that Joe Arpaio is trying to interfere with federal law or anything. The petition closes with this very important disclaimer, in boldface:
This prayer for relief does not request legal authority for Plaintiff Arpaio to enforce the immigration laws of the United States, as current legal precedent has found that he and other similarly situated state law enforcement and other officials have no authority to do so.
If nothing else, it should be fun to see what the judge says when this mess gets tossed out of court. If you're feeling especially masochistic, here's the whole sorry pile of illogic for you to read:
Well, I needed to start my day by puking in my mouth. Thank you. Usually it takes half a bottle of Applejack schnapps to achieve this effect, but that was much faster.
"Egregious," "arrogating," "overweening," "execrable," "bloated," "swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood." More?