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Just in case

Did you hear about the total disaster that hit Missouri recently? Oh, probably not because there wasn’t any. (Unless you’re including the KKK’s public relations disaster informing the world that yes, they WILL exercise their rights to defend themselves against threats real or imagined.)

But we’re going to guess that’s not why Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon declared a state of emergency:

WHEREAS, the City of Ferguson and the St. Louis region have experienced periods of unrest over the past three months; and

WHEREAS, the United States Department of Justice and St. Louis County authorities are conducting separate criminal investigations into the facts surrounding the death of Michael Brown; and

WHEREAS, the United States Department of Justice and St. Louis County authorities could soon announce the findings of their independent criminal investigations; and

WHEREAS, regardless of the outcomes of the federal and state criminal investigations, there is the possibility of expanded unrest; and

WHEREAS, the State of Missouri will be prepared to appropriately respond to any reaction to these announcements; and

WHEREAS, our citizens have the right to peacefully assemble and protest and the State of Missouri is committed to protecting those rights; and

WHEREAS, our citizens and businesses must be protected from violence and damage; and

WHEREAS, an invocation of the provisions of Sections 44.010 through 44.130, RSMo, is appropriate to ensure the safety and welfare of our citizens.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, JEREMIAH W. (JAY) NIXON, GOVERNOR OF THE STATE OF MISSOURI, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and Laws of the State of Missouri, including Sections 44.010 through 44.130, RSMo, do hereby declare a State of Emergency exists in the State of Missouri.

In case your eyes glazed over at the governor’s justification for calling up all the troops to preemptively implement Operation Bust Some Heads, we’ll sum that up for you:

WHEREAS the grand jury’s decision about whether to indict Officer Darren Wilson for killing unarmed teenager Michael Brown is due any second now, and we’re expecting the residents of Ferguson to be mighty damned ticked off if the grand jury decides to let that cop get away with killing a kid, you should all sit down and shut up and stay inside with the curtains drawn, starting right now, OR ELSE.

Seems like it was just last week the governor held a press conference instructing everyone to remain calm and assuring the citizens of his state that their right to peacefully assemble and protest would be protected. Oh, that’s because it was! What’s changed since then? Hmmm, nothing at all whatsoever? But that’s Nixonian leadership for you, it seems — deciding the hypothetical possibility of people assembling and protesting and expressing their disappointment is a real enough EMERGENCY that you might as well start threatening them now.

Nixon has further ordered a number of other precautionary steps “to protect civil rights and ensure public safety,” including mobilizing the Missouri State Highway Patrol, St. Louis County Police Department, and St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department “to operate as a Unified Command.” That Unified Command has the authority — right now, today, because it is an EMERGENCY — to “exercise operational authority” throughout the state. What could possibly go wrong? It’s not like letting police do whatever the hell they deem necessary has been a problem in Missouri before.

If this is how Gov. Nixon is managing his state before the grand jury reaches its decision, we really cannot imagine what he’ll do should any of his hypothetical concerns actually happen. Bomb Cambodia, we guess.

[Office of Missouri Governor]

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