A Serious Critique Of Net Neutrality By Serious Donald Trump, Who Is Serious

Ever since President Obama announced that he was going to socialize the interwebs -- or as actual grown-ups call it, asking the FCC to reclassify broadband as a utility, thus ensuring net neutrality -- the response from the right has been as thoughtful and reasonable as you'd expect from the party that has long opposed it.

Senate Majority Leader/President-elect Sen. Rev. Ted Cruz wasted precisely no seconds before declaring that "net neutrality is Obamacare for the internet." Naturally, he made this declarationonthe internet, though he was quickly whisked away to an undisclosed FEMA camp where he will be forced to watch President Obama personally death panel his grandma.

Now we have another thoughtful perspective to consider before we all go back to agreeing that of course net neutrality is critical, and the only jackholes who oppose it are Messrs. Verizon, Comcast and Time Warner. Oh, and the ghost of Sen. Ted Stevens, whose greatest gift to us all was his immortal explanation that the internet is not a truck, but a series of tubes. Thanks, Uncle Ted!

How keeping the internet accessible to everyone is somehow a power grab, or how it will somehow oppress conservatives, is beyond us. The Fairness Doctrine required equal time for opposing views; net neutrality allows any idiot to use the internet however he so chooses, without having to pay extra fees in order for people to actually see it. Like, hypothetically, if an idiot wanted to tweet his thoughts on net neutrality. Hypothetically.

In conclusion, no we have no idea what Trump is talking about. But in fairness -- ha, fairness! -- to him, neither does he.