Gov. Nixon: Remain Calm In Case That Cop Gets Away With Killing A Kid

Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon held a press conference Tuesday in anticipation of all those uppity thug citizens reacting with displeasure at the likely "no big, whatevs, carry on" decision of the grand jury convened to determine whether yup, it sure looks like Officer Darren Wilson killed unarmed teenager Michael Brown for the crime of smoking the jazz music and listening to the reefer and, maybe just maybe, being black. (Oh crap, did we just inject race into it? Shame on us!)

To prepare for the possibility that citizens of Ferguson, Missouri, might not heed Nixon's warning that "violence will not be tolerated," Nixon's keeping the Missouri National Guard on speed dial. Just in case. He'd had to call them in before, when all hell broke loose in August and he had to implement a curfew to keep those thugs at home instead of peacefully marching through the streets demanding some sort of justice, like that's even a thing in America.

Once law and order was restored, Nixon signed a deal with Cambodia and was able to withdraw the troops, so everyone could move on to worrying about Ebola.

Nixon willnotbe relying on the assistance of Ferguson police to keep the potentially unhappy citizen thugs in line, on account of how Ferguson police kind of sort of started the whole mess in the first place, what with the po-po busting heads and tear gassing the whole county, arresting journalists,and refusing to identify themselves as anything other than "Officer Go Fuck Yourself." Oh, and of course killing an unarmed teenager and leaving his body in the street for hours. That too.

If Nixon's plea to just be cool, even if that cop gets away with killing a kid, sounds vaguely familiar, it should. Shortly after Officer Wilson killed Michael Brown and then took a little vacay -- killing kids is so stressful, you don't even know -- the Ferguson Police Department issued a statement saying they were real sorry-like about the dead kid and everything, but maybe everyone should try showing some respect to the police and not show their dusky faces after sundown, and then the police would not have to kill them or gas them or arrest them.

Maybe the grand jury will surprise us all and decide that Officer Wilson might have done a bad thing the day he killed Michael Brown and maybe a jury of his peers should look into that. But pretty much no one thinks that's likely. So Nixon's really just being preemptively responsible in warning those who might find a cop getting away with killing a kid -- how shall we put this? problematic? -- to behave themselves and show some respect OR ELSE.

At least if Wilson gets away with killing, but NOT murdering, Michael Brown, we'll always have Fox's Masterpiece Theatre re-enactment of how Brown probably definitely totally had it coming.

[ The Guardian / NBC News ]