Why is she holding her car keys?

UPDATE: Never Mind, looks like everybody , including Yr Wonkette, fell for a fake/satire blog. Good golly, looks like those virginal young scamps from the Duggar Clown Car — not that we’re calling them clowns, mind you — just might have been in such a big hurry to get their own quiver full that they couldn’t wait to leave church before doing the nasty. Allegedly, maybe. The news is apparently a big deal to people who follow the 19 Kids And Will You People Just Go Away? televisual entertainment programme.

So what happened, according to a breathless account at Christiany blog “My Life as a Stay At Home Wife And Mother!” (the exclamation point is part of the title, like on Jeopardy!) was that, when they were pronounced Man And Wife, new bride Jessa Duggar and accessory husband Ben Seewald didn’t do their world-stopping First Snog at the altar — instead, they stepped off into a room by themselves for Godly Kissing Privacy, bless their hearts. But according to anonymous commenter “Mary B,” who was very definitely there, according to her anonymous comment, it wasn’t just kissing, at least as related to her by someone else who saw what happened! [Again: looks like the emerging consensus is that the whole blog is a parody, and we got trolled real good. The comment by “Mary B” has also been deleted. — Dok Z] And this is all over gossip blogs, so don’t you dare shout “Objection! Hearsay!” you nitpicker, you. Let’s see what allegedly happened when they got all peppy in le pews, typos and unclear context and all:

As I mentioned to you at the reception I was very upset when I was told about the incident that was witnessed by the girls when the door to the room they were in was accidently opened. I am not sure why they would not wait for the evening to pray and then consumate God’s marriage. The Lord has blessed them and brought them together. To hear so many people discussing what they inadvertendly walked into was heartbreaking and troubling. Why did this happen? How could this beautiful, joyus day now be forever tainted and destroyed by rumors about what the girls may (or may not have) seen? And if this is true why would they commit such an act in the Lord’s home…the same Lord who guided them together.

Also, how could a kind and loving God allow the Holocaust? (Just thought we’d throw that in for perspective.)

In any case, “Mary B.” has some serious misgivings about just how Godly and Biblical and Heady Ben is, if he is so easily given to churchfucking:

This really made me question Ben’s headship and leadership skills. I pray he is not swayed to evil. I pray he acts as strong husband and worship leader to Miss Jessa. I have a terrible, guy feeling. I have tried talking to my husband about this but he has said he will not talk about it until he prays about it and gets an answer from the Lord. This on average takes about 48 hours for him to recieve an answer.

It’s nice to know that the Lord is also so punctual about answering prayers. We hear that Joe Pesci is also pretty good at that.

We do wish to clarify that Yr Wonkette remains a sex-positive mommyblog, and that we are fully in favor of people getting it on in whatever consensual, healthy configurations they may favor, even in a church. On the other hand, we are also pro-door-locking, for Crom’s sake (say what you will about Conan The Cimmerian; he always made sure the leathern thongs to his war tent were securely fastened before ungirding his loins).

It is not known at press time just who “the girls” are, or whether they will be so shaken by what they did or didn’t see that they will be forced into a life of spinsterhood at Cold Comfort Farm.

[Gawker / Happy Nice Time People / My Life as a Stay At Home Wife And Mother!]

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