Lindsey Graham Turns Other Cheek, Will Not Seek Bloody, Stabby, Murdery 'Revenge'
We have been so sexcited ever since South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham teased that he just might have to run for president in 2016 so all the rich white men who belong to men-only clubs will finally have their own president for the first time ever. And since Graham won re-election on Tuesday night -- narrowly beating “Petitioning candidate” Thomas Ravenel, Libertarian Victor Kocher, and the Democratic sacrificial lamb Brad Hutto with a mere 54.58 percent of the vote -- not to mention his universal popularity throughout the country, his road to the White House is all but assured. Plus, he is just so darned gracious in victory:
Um, er, uh -- WHAT? Revenge for what, precisely exactly do what now? Did Barack Obama murder his partner the day he was supposed to retire? Did Barack Obama kidnap his wife and their three-year-old daughter? Did Barack Obama HIJACK THIS PLANE????? Is Barack Obama the six-fingered man who killed his father? Maybe Barack Obama ate all the fish in his tank? Remember Wanda!
Well, whatever the unknown but totally justified reason Graham might have for seeking revenge, he is not going to do that because he is A Real Southern Gentleman. And clearly, America issoready for Graham to be the next president of the United States of White Dudes.
Have we mentioned how sexcited we are for 2016 yet?
And now a story ... It is late afternoon at Lindsey Graham's South Carolina estate. He sits in the parlor sipping on a julep surrounded by a group of old white gentleman callers.
"Oh my, but this heat is so oppressive", Lindsey says, "It's enough to irritate one's nethers and cause all manner of aggression." He continues, "Why I do declare, the insults and bad manners I have had to endure would absolutely cause a lesser person to just up and spit. But, Gentlemen I hold no revenge in my heart, oh no, I just want to right the ship of state and be there for you and for all wealthy white gentlemen who have up till now been so painfully slighted."
Lindsey approaches a table of glass figurines and says, "Each one of these figures in my glass menagerie holds very special meaning to me but this one is my most special. It's a symbol of the highest office in all the land." He walks back to his seat and exclaims "Oh Gentlemen, if all of you would just choose me, I will be the finest president for old white men that has ever lived."
This basically goes on like this for another 30 pages or so, until one day poor Lindsey attempts to pick up a group of young Spanish men for sexual purposes and they unfortunately turn on him and eat him. It's very sad.
The End
Miss Lindsey would probably love it if Obama slapped him in the face with something, but it ain't a glove.