Ted Cruz Will Be New Senate Majority Leader, Pope, Astronaut, And Ballerina

With Mitch McConnell's reelection and the Republicans taking over the Senate, America's first Otherkin Senator is poised to finally ascend to the Senate Majority Leader job that he has wanted since forever. And who knows, maybe Ted Cruz will actually let him do that! At the moment, Cruz is playing coy, not willing to say on CNN last night whether he'd actually support McConnell for Majority Leader. The Senator from Alberta was only willing to say that's "a decision for the conference to answer next week." Not that he would ever be an obstructionist or anything.

In a press conference today, McConnell said "the Senate needs to be fixed," perhaps unintentionally echoing Joni Ernst's pledge to do veterinary surgery on the institution. We bet she'll be in Mitch's corner, too. McConnell pledged that the Senate would actually start working again:

“The first thing I need to do is get the Senate back to normal. That means working more.”

The current Senate Minority Leader says it’s his job to get the chamber to function again.

“The Senate was the problem, not the House. The American people have changed the Senate so I think we have an obligation to change the behavior of the Senate and get it to function again,” McConnell noted.

He even raised the prospect of the Senate actually working on Fridays, which would certainly be a totally new thing. Does that mean an end to government shutdowns and Congress only working a few days a month? Hahaha, people DO get optimistic the day after an election, don't they? McConnell also promised, "There will be no government shutdowns, and no defaults on the national debt," which we think maybe he should have consulted Ted Cruz about as well.

Norman Ornstein, one of the few sane human beings at the American Enterprise Institute, predicted that Cruz will "be using his national base to put relentless pressure on McConnell" and doing all sorts of wonderful things for the country, like repealing Obamacare, outlawing Obamacare, and making sure that illegal immigrants are never allowed to be all illegal in public unless they get off Obamacare. And then on Tuesday it'll be time for impeachment. 

"I've never seen a guy so despised by a vast majority of his caucus — they hate Cruz. They see Cruz as completely out for himself. But let's face it if he's out there inciting the base, and talk radio guys and blog people ... that's going to be difficult for them," Ornstein said.

Cruz will also be busy with his existing duties as Speaker of the House, as well as in his campaign with his father to make America a decent Christian nation again. And Cruz is just one of the many Republicans who are far more interested in running for president in 2016 than in passing any dumb laws, so there's that for McConnell to try to deal with, too, assuming that he gets the nominal position of Majority Leader.

No less an authority than gobshite hatenozzle Erick Erickson explained in Politico the other day that even with a Republican majority in the Senate, McConnell shouldn't assume that teahadis will be governable, because "establishment Republicans" are the only people the Tea Party hates more than Democrats:

Washington’s Republican establishment made a conscious decision to find candidates who looked and sounded more like them and less like the Americans whose votes they need. They have provided no alternative and took far longer to close the deal with voters than they should have. When the voting closed on Tuesday, Republicans did not so much win as Democrats lost.

And so the message is plain: The GOP celebration will be brief. When the new Republican Congress convenes next year, tries to lead, and looks over its shoulder, there won’t be many conservatives following.

We only hope we can make enough popcorn for this show. Remember, if you're in the first few rows, you will get splashed -- bring a poncho.

[ Politico via TPM / CBS Washington / Business Insider ]