Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Have Great Comradeship To Share With Your Wonkette!

Greetings, American stooge monkeys! It is I, your great friend President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, once again here to speak to you on the Wonkette!

Now that you have correspondent in our Motherland, is only fair that Vladimir respond. Not to worry, Mr. Riley Waggaman! Though America is safe for you once again, now that Communist President Obama has, how you say, “taken care of” Mr. Andrew Breitbart, the Russian people welcome you stay long as you like. If you are sick-home and need American face, though, perhaps you and other honored Russian guest Mr. Edward Snowden can get together for light beers and racquetball. Please to contact glorious Russian security services -- er, please excuse, I mean glorious Russian foreign national outreach agency –- to set up meeting.

Just do not go with Mr. Edward Snowden to capitalist foodgasm McDonald’s. We are shutting them all down. Yes! Too many health code violations, and Mother Russia is nothing if not concerned about gastrointestinal health of her citizens. Is ironic, no? In America, McDonald’s can serve one billion Big Macs made of rat meat, but Russia has standards, enforcing of which in no way has to do with economic sanctions you have placed on us because of border dispute with Ukraine. Heavens no!

Just because stooges in West harm Russian oligarch bank accounts with sanctions on oil and gas exports, is in no way coincidence we now harm American oligarch bank accounts by closing one of your biggest exports, restaurant serving fried potatoes and corn-syrup-filled milk-like drinks. One could say American oligarchs now also cannot export natural gas to Russia, ha ha! But Vladimir suffers too! He very much hoping Avenger toy come with Happy Meal next summer, now will not be able to collect all four.

Perhaps Germany has McDonald’s? Is unfortunate Vladimir has made German money spigot Angela Merkel angry in recent time. Women, is Vladimir right, fellas? You are perhaps thinking about what happened last time Russia made German leader mad. No to worry! Vladimir knows how to treat lady. He learn from his great friend Silvio Berlusconi. Speaking of, all those charges were, how you say, bogus. Silvio himself say so while naked bella donna lick spilled wine off Vladimir’s bare chest. No, Vladimir not ask her age. When in Rome. Or Milan, in this case.

Hmm, Vladimir has thought. Does Sweden have McDonald’s? If yes, then okey-doke, that is Russian submarine near Stockholm. Vladimir sent it. Yes! For to bring back McRibs for everyone in Kremlin! McRib very popular in Russia. Sub crew ordered to fill hold with McRibs. Stuff them in torpedo tubes if necessary! Then return to Moscow with most haste! That is all Russian Bear aircraft doing near American airspace too, but your planes chase off. There is McDonald’s in Anchorage that miss out on big sale. Now who is bad capitalist, Vladimir Vladimirovich or President Obama, eh, America?

Perhaps President Obama not well? Dimitry Medvedev, stooge of Vladimir -– er, Prime Minister of glorious Mother Russia –- thinks he has mental problem. Perhaps this Ebola has infected President Obama and eaten his brain? Would be too bad. Vladimir like President Obama. Though your Vice President Biden seems more fun. And he has good “ connection ” if you know what Vladimir is saying, and I think you do.

Okay, good talk, Wonkette! I hope I have, how you say, allayed your fear about awakening Russian bear that will devour all of decadent western civilization in its bed. Please to excuse Vladimir now, he has evening shvitz at Moscow steam bath. Tell your Mr. Riley Waggaman he welcome join Vladimir any time!

[ Bloomberg / NY Times / WaPo / Time / CNN ]