NFL Tried So Hard To Get That Video Of Ray Rice Beating His Lady, No Really (Not Really)

• The NFL is still trying to convince us that The Big Manly Powers That Be never would have defended Baltimore Ravens sportsball star Ray Rice after he knocked his woman OUT COLD in an elevator, if only they could have seen the video of him doing that. Not the abridged video that shows him dragging her unconscious body out of the elevator after the fact; that was inconclusive, and besides, everyone said they were sorry, so what more could anyone want?

  The account, offered to ABC News by the NFL’s chief spokesman Brian McCarthy, lays out a series of phone calls, written communications and in-person attempts to track down information about the assault and video evidence of the alleged assault. All of it, league officials have said repeatedly, was unsuccessful. That is why NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has insisted he was surprised when leaked surveillance video of the assault appeared on TMZ.

  That should settle it, right?

  The league’s account contradicts information provided to ABC News by the the Atlantic City Police Department. An assistant city attorney in Atlantic City, Benjamin Kaufman, told ABC News he could find no record of any communication between the NFL and either the police or City Hall.

  ABC News has also learned that there is no record the NFL made any effort to contact the two specific agencies that had copies of the video: the Atlantic County Prosecutor’s Office and the New Jersey Gaming Enforcement Division. Both agencies, in response to records requests, told ABC News they have nothing on file confirming contact with the NFL.

  If only there were some sort of video of the NFL trying real hard to get to the bottom of it so we could know for sure what really happened.

• Since it is election season, and your inbox is probably overflowing with election GIVE MONEY NOW BEFORE WE ALL DIE OR SOMETHING!!!! spam, it's a good time to remember that's just another reason we can all hate George W. Bush:

  In 2003, facing pressure from consumer groups to do something to cut back on the amount of unwanted emails cluttering our inboxes, President Bush signed what remains the only law regulating commercial email: the CAN-SPAM Act .

  As the name implies, the law doesn’t curtail spam so much as it establishes legitimate standards and practices for it. So long as you follow a modest set of guidelines (and they really are just guidelines, as enforcement of the law is spotty at best), your spam can now be sent with the explicit approval of the U.S. government[.]

  Great law, huh? But it's even worse-better than that. Because those guidelines don't even apply at all to non-profit political or religious organizations. Which is why you can get spammed all day long and twice on Sunday by political groups and the Church of Whatever. Thanks, George!

• Speaking of election season and begging for money, weareexactly four weeks away from Election Day, so we're going to beg too. Not because WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE OR SOMETHING!!!! but because what kind of dirty liberal hippie mommybloggers would we be if we didn't try to help too?We have a few awful terrible THE WORST Republicans we'd sure like to see out of work, and we have some awesome wonderful wonderfully awesome ladies who can get that job done. Have you done your part yet? No? Then it's time. Yes? Then it's time to do more.
   In Wisconsin, you can help fire Gov. Scott Walker by giving some money to Democrat Mary Burke. 

   In New Hampshire, you can help send Sen. Jeanne Shaheen back to work and keep Scott Brown (R-Massachusetts Or Whatever State He Thinks Will Have Him) out of work. 

  And in Texas (grrrr, Texas), where everything is bigger, including the clusterfucks, Wonkette's 2013 State Legislative Badass Wendy Davis is fighting so hard to be the state's next governor before the Republicans eliminate all of women's health care forever. Please give her a nice Texas-sized donation so she can do that. Please. Pretty please. With extra pretty please on top. 

•  Smoke up, Jamaica:  

  Jamaica’s justice minister said Tuesday that legislation has been drafted to decriminalize marijuana on the Caribbean island where the drug has been pervasive but prohibited for a century. [...]

  Previous efforts to decriminalize marijuana, or “ganja” as it is largely known in Jamaica, failed to advance because Jamaican officials feared they would violate international treaties and bring sanctions from Washington. But those concerns have eased now that a number of nations and some U.S. states have relaxed marijuana laws.

•  Have at it, Wonketteers, and mock accordingly:  

  

• Mallory Ortberg has this very important news:  

  I found a recipe for chocolate cobbler . Chocolate cobbler! Who ever heard of such a thing?

  Chocolate. Cobbler. Cobbler that is chocolate.

  All baked goods should adhere to the Cobbler Principle, now and forever; all cakes should have the inner consistency of lava.

  We couldn't agree more.