Rick Perry Is The Best Secret Service Agent, Gonna Kill You Real, REAL Dead

Yosemite Rick Perry, the rootinest, tootinest governor in all the land, was in NEW YORK CITY today to spend a few minutes making merry with the Zoo Crew on "Morning Joe." The biggest surprise of the entire interview was that Joe Scarborough managed to resist flinging himself across the table to plant a sloppy, wet kiss on Yosemite Rick. The least surprising part was when Yosemite Rick let everyone know that, unlike those fancy, arugula-eatin’ Secret Service agents what guard that faggy perfesser Barack Obama, his security detail wouldn’t put up with no interlopers in the Texas governor’s mansion, no sir.

“Speaking of getting knocked down,” Perry interrupted. “Let me tell you, Texas governor’s detail -- do not try running through the governor’s mansion, okay. Shannon O’Neil, the lady that’s on our detail --”

“She will knock you down,” Scarborough chimed in.

"Dead down,” Perry said.

And if you get past his security detail, Rick Perry himself will drop you as if you’re a coyote attacking a dipshit during a morning jog.

This led to us imagining all the GOP candidates trying to out-macho each other at the 2016 debates over what their security details would do if they were president.

Rick Perry: I got me a lady security agent who’ll drop you dead down.

Chris Christie: My security detail will break both your kneecaps, toss you off the George Washington Bridge, and laugh while you try to swim with shattered legs.

Scott Walker: My security detail will drop you off the George Washington Bridge, then fish you out and laugh as you try to run away on your shattered legs, then shoot you.

Marco Rubio: My security detail will kill you and then fuck your corpse.

Ted Cruz: My security detail will kill you, fuck your corpse, and then run a train on your mother while making your corpse watch, then hang your corpse from the White House fence as a warning to others.

Rand Paul: My security detail will be provided by a private firm because of the free market and will do all of the above to any White House intruder, only faster and more efficiently.

God we can’t wait for 2016.

The conversation about security starts around 3: 50 in the above clip, but it’s worth watching the entire interview for the entertainment value of Yosemite Rick repeating the word “peshmerga” over and over as if he learned it from his “Kurdish Word of the Day” calendar, explaining that his plan for dealing with ISIS would also involve bombing them but with more bombing than that nancy-boy Obama is doing, and generally trying to look competent while not reminding everyone of a certain other Texas governor turned president in our not-too-distant past. Which should be easy, that last guy didn’t have sharp-looking glasses that made him look S-M-R-T.

[ Talking Points Memo ]