New Wingnut Theory (Or 'Satire'?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies

From the ugly world of Facebook, we received a recommendation to check out this story: "Evidence Emerges That Michelle Obama Never Birthed Malia And Sasha," at something called "The U.S. Patriot," whose"About" page assures us that they are "home to the best Conservative news on the internet." Let's see what this important story has to say!

It is no secret that Michelle and Barrack Obama have gone above and beyond to keep their daughters out of the press. Even so, we have seen very few pictures of the early years of the First Daughters. Now, some Americans are starting to believe that the pictures simply don’t exist.

While some Americans feel that the two girls have very little resemblance to their parents, others claim that the pair were adopted from Morocco. Similar to their father, there is very little evidence surrounding the two girls’ birth and background. Online searches for either of their birth records come up completely dry.

Ancestry.com and GenealogyBank.com have no records of the two sisters.

While we’ve seen pictures of Barack and Michelle dating before they had children, we have seen very little of the period of time when Malia and Sasha were born. And no one has ever claimed to see a picture of the First Lady pregnant or with a newborn.

Hmm, no links, no pretense of an attribution, and some easily checked bullshit -- a quick image search turns up plenty of pictures of the girls as tiny people, and sweet holy Cthulhu they are adorable (that's the only good side to reading this thing, really. SO CUTE!). And despite the headline, no "evidence." And of course, yes there are photos of Michelle Obama holding a tiny baby Sasha:

Ah, but that's no newborn, and you didn't show us a photo of Michelle Obama pregnant or giving birth, so take that, liberals! Michelle Obama is a man, with nads and everything!

Then there's the other stuff at The U.S. Patriot, which is equally sketchy:

•  Nation Shocked After Obama Describes America As A Muslim Country. This one repeats a story from 2009, calling it "recent."

•  PHOTOS: Malia Obama’s Secret Life Exposed. A piece with no photos or links to photos, claiming that while interning on the set of Halle Berry's teevee show "Extant" in June, the 16-year-old was up to all sorts of illegality:

  When she wasn’t working, Malia was photographed out at Hollywood hotspots—obviously illegally, given her age. When paparazzi took and attempted to publish photos of the First Daughter, Michelle immediately banned them from doing so. Unfortunately, the First Lady’s actions have made the American public even more suspicious of her daughter’s true behavior.

  Just months later, Malia was spotted in a crop top at the drug-fueled concert Lollapalooza. The reports were a bit shocking, given that most parents would not let their 16-year-olds attend such a drug and alcohol driven event. Reports have also surface that Malia engaged in a physical brawl with a fellow partygoer.

  This is, of course, is presented without any of the supposedly damning photos, and in a rare departure for U.S. Patriot, it doesn't even seem to have been plagiarized from another source. The "physical brawl with another partygoer" at least has the merest connection to reality: Malia did accidentally kick a girl at Lollapalooza, and the kickee said it was "awesome." What a brawl!

•  "White People Outraged After President Says ‘All White People Should Go Back To England.’" The president in the story is Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, which means it's technically true because he didactually say that recently. Soapresident said those words, just not the president you'd probably suspect, since the headline on the homepage appears under a photo of white Americans holding an "Impeach Obama" sign. 

  

• In April, the site claimed that Barack Obama "issued an Executive Order raising his annual salary to $1 million" and presented some pretty fanciful quotes:

  “Four hundred thousand dollars a year to be Leader of the Free World, is just not enough,” Obama told reporters as he spent time on the golf course, “There are junior traders at Goldman Sachs that make more than that in a week. Is that fair?” [...]

  “Let me be clear, adjusted for inflation, my salary is not even half of what George Washington made. Now, I don’t want to bring race into this, but is the First Black President worth half as much as the First White President?”

  This one was just out and out plagiarized from the Weekly World News, which is not trying to be satire -- as far as we know.

We have to admit that we're stumped. Our initial was impression that The U.S. Patriot is some kind of wingnut "satire" site, since it's unsourced and ridiculous, and the right is historically terrible at doing comedy. On the other hand, wingnuts are terrible at doing "news" too. Even the Michelle Obama story is a rehash of several idiotic claims actually made at a wingnut blog in November 2013, and the comments on the story are largely from wingnuts who type, one more time, that they are SO VERY SAD about what Barack Obama has done to this once-great nation.

So welcome, U.S. Patriot, to the ranks of the least reliable bullshit sites on the internet. We guess these idiots are serious about throwing random unsourced anti-Obama stories together and seeing if they get any coverage elsewhere, although we can't rule out the possibility that the entire project is some sort of meta-trolling by someone who's just in it for the lulz.

[ U.S. Patriot ]