Your Penis Evolved To Pleasure The Females. It's Science.

We have f-bombs, stolen cars, everlasting love, and not just SCIENCE!, butsexytimeSCIENCE! Smart vaginas? Penis bones? Oh yeah, youknowyou want to learn about that. So get out of bed, sleepyhead, and pour yourself a cuppa, because do we ever have some news you can maybe use for you? Yes. Yes we do.

•  This may well be the most interesting thing you will EVER read about sex:

  Welcome to the wonderfully twisted realm of sexual organs.

  This is a world where penises may double as weapons during violent combat, or as lassos to snag a mate - often against her will.

  It’s a world where semen can exert powerful mind control over a female, and vaginas can act to deliberately help or hinder the age-old race of sperm to egg.

  And it’s a world so full of carnal conflicts of interest and deception that only now are biologists getting to grips with all of its ins and outs, including an understanding of why human sex may be about pleasure rather than pain. [...]

  Female Grévy’s zebra, for instance, have ‘smart’ vaginas: the zebra can coordinate her muscular contractions in a way that flushes out the semen from a male that fails to live up to her expectations - this sperm dumping can even occur before the unfortunate male has finished dismounting. [...]

  Despite their alarming appearance, the bizarrely shaped penis bones most male mammals carry are probably designed for pleasure, not pain. “Although we still don’t really understand what the [penis bone] is used for during copulation, I think a function in stimulating the female is much more likely than one of causing any physical harm,” says Paula Stockley at the University of Liverpool in the UK.

  Men, unusually among male mammals, lack a penis bone (some scholars think the Bible may have been one of the first texts to attempt an explanation for this puzzling fact – Adam may have lost his penis bone, not a rib, in the creation of Eve). Even so, the human penis has probably also evolved to stimulate women. It is freakishly large compared to the penises of most of our closest animal relations - the chimps, gorillas and orangutans. [...]

  These latest revelations from the annals of sex research have convinced many biologists that genitalia have taken on their current shape and sizeto make the sexual act a more stimulating experience for the femaleof the species.

• It's Talk Like A Pirate Day , so you can go ahead and do that if that's your thing, and your friends and family won't make you walk the plank after the 13th time you say "avast."

  First, we needed a date for the holiday. As any guy can tell you, June 6 is the anniversary of World War II's D-Day. Guys hold dates like that in reverence and awe so there was no way we could use June 6.

  Mark came up with September 19. That was and is his ex-wife's birthday, and the only date he could readily recall that wasn't taken up with something like Christmas or the Super Bowl or something. We also decided -- right then and there on the court on June 6, 1995 -- that the perfect spokesman for our new holiday was none other than Dave Barry himself, nationally syndicated humor columnist and winner of the Pulitzer by-God Prize. So, naturally, we forgot all about it.

• Sweet little sister Happy Nice Time People asks this Very Important Question :

  Which is funnier: a random woman jumping into the middle of a live report to complain about flooding… or the hysterical laughter in the newsroom when she accuses the flooding of an inappropriate relationship with its own mother?

  Go watch the video and let us know the answer.

• Was the tank at least filled when he got it back ?

  Forty-six years ago Ivan Schneider, successful Manhattan lawyer, bought himself the Jaguar convertible that would feature in a most unusual tale of unrequited love.

  It was the first (and "prettiest") of many luxury cars he would own, his companion on fast drives — and the only one that was ever stolen.

  Forty-six years later, a U.S. Customs and Border Patrol analyst running a routine export check through a stolen car database came up with a hit. The 1967 Jaguar XKE was hot. [...]

  After its out-and-back sea journey to the Netherlands, the car is back in Southern California, more than two months after the law finally found it.

• Here's another tale of long-lasting love :

  Even death couldn't part two skeletons excavated from a lost chapel in an English county, found with their fingers entwined. [...]

  It is thought the chapel may have served as a pilgrimage, or the main church possibly refused to bury the bodies because they were criminals, foreigners or diseased.

  [Project manager Vicki Score] adds that Roman archaeology beneath the chapel imply that something important already existed there, which made it a special place.

  Other findings include the walls and tiled floors of the site, fragments of stone masonry, wall plaster, tiles and lead from the windows. Silver pennies dating between the 12th and 16th centuries give clues as to when the chapel was in use.

• Important Wonkette announcement from Your Wonkette, about Your Wonkette. We had a drinky thing in San Francisco last night, and if you missed it, sucks to be you, doesn't it? But and however, do not fear, because there are more drinky things to come, like we already told you , so you should have penciled that into your calendars already, but here is your reminder. This Saturday (that's tomorrow):

  BASE CAMP BREWING COMPANY

  930 SE Oak Street, Portland, OR

  Saturday, Sept. 20, 6 p.m. to 10ish whatever

Enjoy your weekend, Wonketeers.