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"You were in a 4g inverted dive with God? Why?" "Communicating. Keeping up foreign relations. You know, giving him the bird!"

Whenever we have another awful natural disaster that wreaks havoc on America and kills folks, Bible-humpers will have a ready excuse on hand. Climate change? Hahaha, don’t be naive, you moron.

Airmen who enlist or reenlist in the United States Air Force will no longer have to say the phrase “so help me God” as part of a required oath, the agency announced on Wednesday.

Thousands of religious zealots who want to force their particular Skygod beliefs upon everyone were heard crying in unison, “My military, my military! Why hast thou forsaken me?”

Why has the Air Force decided to abandon the practice of forcing a religious oath upon the Mavericks and Gooses of the country*? Apparently some Iceman came along and didn’t want to swear to a Deity talked about in really old books that has caused countless bloody wars throughout history. Per USA Today:

An atheist airman … must take a re-enlistment oath concluding “so help me God”or end his Air Force career… Air Force officials have said “so help me God” is a required part of the oath, spelled out in rules that govern military re-enlistment.

Too bad he can’t use the old “sincerely held religious belief” loophole to get out of laws, because that loophole only applies to true beliebers. What happened to rewrite the requirements that are so clearly “spelled out in rules that govern military re-enlistment”? Did Congress pass a law changing the requirements? Hahaha, like Congress would “pass laws,” hahahahaha. Silly reader. Here’s what happened:

[T]he Air Force faced pressure to change the policy from the American Humanist Association, which threatened to sue them on behalf of an airman who was not allowed to reenlist because he would not say the phrase.

A good old-fashioned lawsuit. Is there anything more American than suing for your rights? We are so happy to see this phrase overturned. The phrase must have been required since the United States had an Air Force, back when it was OK to hoist your religion upon others. This probably overturns decades of discrimination. Decades, people, DECADES! What’s that, Washington Post?

The issue drew attention to a previously unnoticed rule change: The rules governing the Air Force’s enlistment oaths used to include a note stating that “Airmen may omit the words ‘so help me God,’ if desired for personal reasons.” That exception quietly disappeared in October 2013, after which the Air Force required the inclusion of the full oath for any enlistment or reenlistment.

Wait, what the fuck? So it was cool to omit the words, and then that got changed back? In motherfucking 2013??? Jesus H. Christ blowing a criminal, what the hell happened? Why can’t we have a congressional investigation into this? Paging Darrell Issa — maybe you can put your spotlight-loving ratfucking assface to good use and begin to make up for years of being a top-rated shitmuffin. Maybe Wonket Legislative Badass Elijah Cummings (swoon) can look into this.

Because everyone knows that taking away rights from oppressed minorities is the job of Chief Justice John Roberts, not the Air Force.

Anyway, now all the atheists and humanists and agnostics and polytheists and other religious miscreants can go fly the Blue Angels Thunderbirds** straight to the fiery pits of hell, where your souls will be forever damned. Thanks in advance for whatever earthquake/superstorm/blizzard/plague of locusts that Pat Robertson’s god decides to throw our way.

UPDATE: Pat Robertson DID speak out on the whole Air Force Oath thing. And he knows who’s to blame. (Hint: It’s the Jews.) Head over to Happy for the details.

[Huffington Post / USA Today / Washington Post]

* We know, we know: Top Gun was about Naval fighter pilots, not the Air Force. However, the references (and that photo) were too good to pass up. Feel free to donate to the Wonkette Fund For Drunk Journalism Training.

** Thanks to commenter “jqheywood” for pointing out that the Blue Angels are Navy. The Air Force equivalent are the Thunderbirds. Since the Navy does not require the oath either, we assume that both groups will fly to the fiery pits of hell, but thanks for the technical correction.

Follow DDM on Twitter (@Wonksplainer), or else he will damn your soul to a hell where you will be forced to watch Michele Bachmann blow Darrell Issa for eternity. 

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