Happy Birthday, U.S. Constitution! Even The Parts Without Guns.

 
 Happy Constitution Day, U.S. Wonkers of America and such as! On this day in 1987, we celebrated the 200th anniversary of the signing of the Constitution of the United States. Yr Doktor Zoom distinctly remembers how none of the students in his freshman composition class got all of the really easy constitutional trivia questions right -- simple stuff like "What does the Fifth Amendment protect?" and "Is it legal for the government to make you pray to your guns?"

So have a fine evening of celebrating your U.S. Constitution (we've linked to the ACLU's web version), although Dahlia Lithwick notes at Slate that the holiday may itself be unconstitutional because the 2004 law establishing it mandates that all educational institutions teach about the Constitution today, which was a real challenge for "massage schools and cosmetology programs [which] evidently flew into a collective panic over how to meet its requirements."

To celebrate this sacred day, Congressman Darrel Issa tweeted the full text of the Constitution. Or his poor interns did, because of course the Constitution is best appreciated divided up into 140-character chunks. We don't know if anyone caught this, but he took some shortcuts, like this one:

amnmnt 12: blk ppl can vote now kthxbai

Congressman John Dingell, on the other hand, really knows how to celebrate the holiday:

He has a link too! And you should all thank John Dingell that he trolled Rep. Issa so hard; otherwise, the last story we'd have run today would have been the one that we're posting first tomorrow, and when that sucker goes up, you'll see why you're grateful to John Dingell. (Hey, Rebecca, how's that for "creating buzz?")

But what is the true meaning of the Constitution? Truly, no one could put it better than a Canadian pretending to be a spaceman preaching to the postapocalyptic survivors of another Earth's Cold War:

You know, Cloud William, you're even allowed, today only, to get a little misty-eyed over that. Especially if you've been hitting the Victory Gin.

And finally, some Schoolhouse Rock for you! Please enjoy the nostalgia hit!

E plebnista, motherfuckers. Go do some freedom stuff, you big nerds. We love you.