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Never forget #BRANDS

How are you Never Forgetting that today is the 13th anniversary of the worst crime committed on American soil (not counting American history before 2001, but shhhhhh, un-American America-haters, we shall not discuss that)?

You could be remembering how it is all President Obama’s fault and condemning him for sending engraved invitations to all the terrorists — who are ordering sandwiches in Houston delis — to come do it to us again some more, which is the Good and Right and Patriotic thing to do.

Or you could be livetweeting your fond memories of how George W. Bush saved us that day, which is not exactly how it happened, if we are Never Forgetting correctly, but what do we know, it’s not like we were there.

Or you could be clearing your desk and getting escorted from your office for being terrible at your Social Media Expert job because you think the best way to Never Forget is to offer yoga studio membership discounts, even though you’d think by now that’s a lesson BRANDS would have learned.

But we think you should definitely curl up with your favorite sex toy instead. May we suggest the Fleshlight:

Where was your penis on 9/11?

The Fleshlight, for those of you who want to pretend you have never heard of it (it’s okay, we won’t tell), is a sex toy shaped like a flashlight. (Get it? GET IT?) You can put your penis into it and do sex to it, and it is supposed to feel like real actual flesh. We won’t get all graphic on you — this is a mommyblog, after all — but you can Google it on the interwebs, although it is probably definitely ABSOLUTELY not safe for work.

And ladies, in case you also would like to Never Forget this sacred day by doing some sex with some toys, we recommend any number of gadgets made by PicoBong, which are very quiet and on the down-low and come feature a dozen different speeds and patterns — which we personally know nothing about because no one ever gave us one for our birthday last year because we are A Lady. (No, but really, it’s great. For a friend.)

So, patriots, go ahead and tell us how you will be Never Forgetting this sacred day, and feel free to remember where you were the moment George Dubya sat on his ass reading a book.

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