Now Michelle Obama Has Stolen All The Pop-Tarts

Thanks to Michelle Obama's ongoing war on your children's Eleventeenth Amendment right to shove all the junk food they want into their chubby faces -- try reading the Constitution sometime,Michelle-- Westside High School in Omaha, Nebraska, is scrambling to figure out how to comply with the tyrannical 2010 Healthy Hunger-Free Act, which took effect in July.

It turns out, according to the school district's Director of Nutritional Services Diane Zipay, that figuring out what in the world to feed kids under the new guidelines that "snack foods purchased in schools during the school day must be 50 percent whole grain, low sugar, low fat and low sodium" is no easy task. It's pretty much UNPOSSIBLE, in fact.

“I want kids to feel like they can have an apple one day and a Snicker’s bar the next. And that’s OK,” said Zipay, who said there is no candy for sale at the school.

“You cannot buy a Tic Tac in a Nebraska school, I checked,” she laughed.

Westside High School has a café that operates as an a la carte lunch service for hundreds of kids who don’t get a regular lunch period. The students have fewer choices now, and schools are scrambling to find products that fit the strict requirements.

“It’s been just about impossible,” said Café manager Jackie Cambridge, who said obesity isn’t created in schools.

On a completely unrelated note, Jackie happened to be "flame broiling a batch of freshly made hamburger patties" when she made this observation about the impossibility of feeding kids now that candy is off the menu. The article failed to mention that these were probably tofu patties, but they must have been, right?

Obviously, it's the children who are suffering the most because Michelle Obama hates children and wants them to suffer. That's the whole point of her plan. Our hearts especially go out to senior McKenzie Meradith, not only for her terribly millennial name, but also because -- and you'll need a hanky for this, it'sthattragic -- she is basically starving to death now that the first lady has stolen all of her food right out of her mouth.

“They used to have Pop Tarts and some of the small stuff I used to get is gone now,” she said (sob!), although she later acknowledged, "You probably shouldn’t be eating that stuff in the first place." But that's only because Michelle probably borrowed her husband's mind-control powers to make her say that.

We are shedding all the tears for you, oppressed students of Westside High, who must now subsist only on "a nacho bar with low sodium, whole grain chips, fresh salads with small portions of meat, and stations where students can get a sub sandwich on fresh whole grain bread."

It really is the worst kind of tragedy when kids have to forego Snickers and Pop Tarts in exchange for a stupid nacho bar. Like kids even eat nachos. Puh-lease.

[ KETV ]