Wingnuts Pretty Sure ISIS Gonna Storm Texas Any Minute Now

And when little Alejandro took off his mask...The WingnuttoSphere is buzzing today with news that ISIS is planning an “imminent attack” at the U.S-Mexico border any day now!!!Exclamationpoint!! The alleged intelligence report comes from rightwing bullshit spigot “Judicial Watch”, which claims:

Islamic terrorist groups are operating in the Mexican border city of Ciudad Juarez and planning to attack the United States with car bombs or other vehicle born improvised explosive devices (VBIED). High-level federal law enforcement, intelligence and other sources have confirmed to Judicial Watch that a warning bulletin for an imminent terrorist attack on the border has been issued. Agents across a number of Homeland Security, Justice and Defense agencies have all been placed on alert and instructed to aggressively work all possible leads and sources concerning this imminent terrorist threat.

The report, citing only “Judicial Watch sources,” goes on to say that “the militant group Islamic State of Iraq and Greater Syria (ISIS) is confirmed to now be operating in Juarez,” which is of course a very dangerous place full of narcotraficantes and coyotes and chimichangas. And obviously, notes the Daily Caller,”Rampant crime is bad in Juarez, and as recently as a few days ago, the U.S. issued travel warnings to anyone planning to visit.” So it only stands to reason that terrorists are there too, and just on the verge of slipping across the border.

Here’s a detail that reveals precisely how seriously we should take this very scary, terrifying, and terrifyingly scary Judicial Watch report:

Intelligence officials have picked up radio talk and chatter indicating that the terrorist groups are going to “carry out an attack on the border,” according to one JW source. “It’s coming very soon,” according to this high-level source, who clearly identified the groups planning the plots as “ISIS and Al Qaeda.” An attack is so imminent that the commanding general at Ft. Bliss, the U.S. Army post in El Paso, is being briefed, another source confirms.

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Out here in what some people prefer to think of as the “real world,” ISIS and al Qaeda can’t stand each other. Here’s the short explainerer from Vox, which we should warn is written using “facts” and “research,” so take it with a grain of salt:

The key thing to understand about ISIS and al-Qaeda is that they are competitors, not allies, and certainly not part of the same larger group.

ISIS used to be al-Qaeda in Iraq. But the group split apart from al-Qaeda in February 2014 because it wouldn’t listen to al-Qaeda HQ’s commands, including orders to curtail its violence against civilians. (That’s right: it was too violent for al-Qaeda.) This ISIS-AQ divorce is a key reason why ISIS is so unremittingly violent, yet many people still lump the two groups together.

Further, the lamestream media seems willing to believe the Department of Homeland Security, not Judicial Watch, on the immediate threat to The Homeland from ISIS:

The United States is not aware of any specific threat to the U.S. homeland from Islamic State militants, the Department of Homeland Security said on Friday after Britain raised its international terrorism threat level.

Islamic State militants and their supporters, however, “have demonstrated the intent and capability to target American citizens overseas,” Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson said in a statement. He noted that DHS took steps over the summer to strengthen security at overseas airports with direct flights to the United States.

However, it should be noted that Jeh Johnson, as part of the Obama administration, also refuses to recognize Guatemalan 8-year-olds as an existential threat to our security.

And as proof that Barack Obama is playing golf while El Paso is about to explode, Judicial Watch notes this disturbing fact:

While these terrorists reportedly plan their attack just outside the U.S., President Obama admits that “we don’t have a strategy yet” to combat ISIS. “I don’t want to put the cart before the horse,” the commander-in-chief said this week during a White House press briefing. “I think what I’ve seen in some of the news reports suggest that folks are getting a little further ahead of what we’re at than what we currently are.”

Obviously, this refers to the indisputable fact that Barack Obama has given no thought at all to the ISIS threat, and no one should believe today’s clarification that the “strategy” to which Obama was referring was a specific question about possible airstrikes against the group in Syria. That’s just Obama making excuses for the fact that Obama spends all his time golfing.

Not included in Judicial Watch’s analysis, but clearly germane to it, is Rep. Peter King’s harsh criticism of President Obama’s disastrous decision to wear a tan suit yesterday:

“There’s no way any of us can excuse what the president did yesterday. When you have the world watching. When you a week, two weeks of anticipation of what the United States is gonna do. For him to walk out, I’m not trying to be trivial here. In a light suit, light tan suit saying that first he wants to talk about what most Americans care about the revision of second quarter numbers on the economy. This is a week after Jim Foley was beheaded and he’s trying to act like real Americans care about the economy not about ISIS and not about terrorism. And then he goes on to say he has no strategy [...]

To me it was just a terrible performance by a commander in chief, and forget that our allies are watching, forget that the American people are watching. ISIS is watching. If you were the head of ISIS, if you were Baghdadi or if you were anyone in the ISIS leadership, would you come away from yesterday afraid of the United States? Would you be afraid that the United States is going to use all its power to crush ISIS? Or would you think, here’s a person who’s going to go out and do a few fundraisers over the Labor Day weekend?

The tan suit was actually a white flag, America, and ISIS is already mobilizing to kill us all, as seen in the absolutely real hastily photoshopped image below.

Please panic responsibly this weekend, and be careful not to mix your paranoias.

And the Border Patrol just sits there and lets them drive right by!

[Daily Caller / Judicial Watch / Vox / Reuters / Buzzfeed]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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